Dakota93 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 newby here. My wife left 2 days ago while I was at work. she cleaned out the house pretty much. we had been having some problems for the last year or so, but I had no idea it was so bad for her. we have been married for 8 years and in the beginning it was so good, we were a match made in heaven, or so I thought. she started to change after her mom died 2 years ago. she comes from a bad bringing up, she told me she was the black sheep of the family. she just turned 50 and I am going to be 49 next week. she was sort of distant for about the last 9 months or so and the harder I tried to make her happy the worse she seemed to get. her aunt died a couple months ago, then our dog had to be put to sleep about a month sgo and she really took a dive. But I don't understand why she left. she had been trying to get a job because we were in a very bad financial way for the last year, she had gone to school for CMA and hasn't been able to find a job because the market is flooded with CMA's and her being older seemed to be a problem. she is a very beautiful woman for her age so it shouldn't have made that much of a difference. Anyway, to the point. she had met a woman at school and her and her boyfreind had been going to a bar and she went with them 1 night and after that it started being an every week event. I didn't mind mostly because they always came and got her and I trusted her more than anyone I every knew. then she started going to her son's band practice 1-2 times a week and wouldn't come home till 12-1 oclock. I didn't worry about her because she was with her son. but that became an obsession too. so 3 nights a week she was out late. I'm not a gulible person and if I didn't trust her I would have put my foot down, but she had been cooped up at the house every day so I thought I'd let her have some fun. I am not into bars anymore, I stopped drinking years ago and if I go to a bar I would have to drink to have any fun. I'm a very nervous person in crowds. but she just kept going whether I liked it or not. it was getting to the point where I was getting lonely because she was always gone. And me being a worrier didn't help any. But 1 really big problem between us was her son, he cost me a lot of money over the years from being stupid and lazy. and he lied to her all the time and I knew it. but she thinks the boy does no wrong. he was always useing my tools or something and never ever put anything back where he got it, and that just agravates me something feirce. she just let him do whatever he wanted and never said anything to him. that made it even worse. he lived in my house for 5 of the 9 years we were together. I was ready for a long time for him to be gone. hes 29 years old and still don't have a regular job. does tattoos to make money and thats not a dependable job. never knowing when u will get money. All I have done for her and her son all these years and this is how I get repayed. her walking out with no warning. thats the cowards way. she was allways one that wanted to talk about things. So why didn't she talk to me about what was going on in her head? I don't understand that. I love her deeply and I miss her even more. I didn't go to work the last 2 days because I am so depressed and heart sick. I didn't have much heart left and she broke that. My last wife did the same thing. I can be a grouch, but I gripe about stuff that needs to be griped about. But I am a good person at heart, I gave her everything I could and helped her son more than his own dad did. she doesn't even have a job, shes staying with the couple she goes out with. and they r a real peice of work. live in a old broken down trailer with holes in the wall and bare floors. I guess what I'm grasping for is an answer on WHY she left? I don't get it. she had everything. she said in her note that she knew I wanted her to leave and hopes I can find what I'm looking for. I don't know what she means by that. I had her and thats all I wanted. and I'm not looking for anything. she left me feeling hollow inside and I am so lonely its not even funny. so thanks for listening and if anyone has any comments let um go. sorry for writing a life history here, but I figure the more I wrote the more it would help me. just getting this off my chest helps, very little but anything is better than nothing.
Geishawhelk Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 She could be depressed. Depression makes you do - and say - weird things. See if you can somehow get to meet her to talk things through.... It obviously can't end this way..... I appreciate your resentment towards her son, but in a way, right now, that's a separate issue..... I wish you well, but you guys must talk....
Author Dakota93 Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 I called her the day she left and haven't heard from her. of course she has the only phone we had. And I think my next door neigbors will get tired of me useing there's but they r really good people. hes a pasture at an old country church.
CaliGuy Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Have you checked out marriagebuilders yet? They have some good advice there. I would also suggest "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) for marriages in situations such as yours. I truly wish the best for you.
Bufzookie Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I just want to put this out there, but please don't think I'm condoning her actions when I say this though. Grieving is a hard and very long process for people, which tears at them constantly. It makes you week and depressed, sad and alone. This is coming from personal experience. I just lost my Mother about two months ago and I am a all over the place with emotions right now. I bet I will be for a long time....but here's my point because this is not about me.... My husband tries VERY hard to apease me though this difficult time, and as much as I hate to admit it....I always feel its not enough....I alway want more from him.....want him to be more this....and more that.....and I never get him to the way I want, and that eats at me. I know (in times of clarity like right now) that he is doing the best he can, but when I'm upset, there is no consoling me. Your wife probably feels part of this too. Its very normal but not healthy. I think that's a PART...not all of what your wife it going through. She must be very confused on where life is heading for herself and she probably wanted the easy way out....to leave and think it will all be better. But trust me hun, she will figure out soon enough that without good help from a counselor or theripist to cope with her dark family issues and her loss, she will not be able to be herself or stable. My only siggestion is this, when you CAN get a hold of her. Don't yell, don't accuse and don't beg. Be calm and say okay to whatever she wants.....even is she is being irrational and emotional. Trust me, whatever she says is out of hurt and confusion. Just let her know you love her very much and that your hopes would be to figure out how to work together on your marriage and that she finds help to be the best person she can be. Life is hard...everyone deals with things differently. All you can do is try to relate to her feelings. You don't have to agree with them though. I'm sorry for your problems with your wife.....I'll pray for you both.
Author Dakota93 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Believe me, I have always treated her with respect. her other husbands treated her like a doormat for sure, one even almost killed her. he beat her whenever he felt like it and even tossed a microwave on her once. he wouldn't let her go anywhere unless he was with her and he made her wear what he wanted her too. But see, I'm the total opposit of them, and I thought I would be safe with her. And for a few years things were great. I'm what women call a very safe guy and a bit sensitive to most things. I am just someone who shows how he feels and don't hide it. I mean I aint no crybaby or anything, but u know what I mean. I gave her what I thought she wanted for a husband, don't have to worry about me cheating on her. but she did anyway. 2 years ago she accused me of cheating on her with my X-wife, and I hadn't even seen her in a year or more. what it was is she would pull into our driveway and sit there for about 5 mins. and then leave. I had no idea it was even happening until she flat accused me of sleeping with her. imagine how shocked I was. I don't even know when she thought I was doing it, I went to work and home after and I hardly ever went anywhere other than work. she went with me every where else. That still freaks me out. I told her I wasn't going to cheat on her because I loved her that much. But anyway, I'm just going to let her do what she wants, if she comes back she comes back, if she don't I'll just have to carry on with my life. I will not ever get married again, I sware to that. I said that when I got divorced the last time but this time I'm for sure. I still don't know why she didn't know she had it so good. it just boggles my mind. she had a man that worshipped her, gave her whatever he could, a new car a decent house, told her she was beautiful all the time and sexy, things she'd never had. And she tossed me aside like an old tire. So, either she found her someone else or shes just really messed up in the head. shes obcessed with her son, and I'm not and I find that was one major problem between us. he's been a burr in my saddle from day one. But I knew when it came to who was who, I was #2 and that might not be in a good way either. But I do understand that I was second when it came to him, she feels so much guilt because of the things she put him throgh when he was a little kid with all the bad men she was with and she wasn't going to let me get by with saying anything even remotely bad about him be it true or not. All I have ever done was try to treat him like my own son, help him with everything I could show him what I could, but if I critisized anything he done that was BAD. I treated him no diferent than if he was my own, bad thing is HE"S 29 DAMN YEARS OLD. he's not a little kid he's a grown man, and a very lazy one at that, she jus:confused::sick:t lets him do whatever he wants, last 5 years in my house and no job, laying around while I'm at work busting my butt to pay the extra bills that he causes. Enough was enough don't u think? I know I'm not perfectly innocent in this situation, but I am by far the problem. wow, I think I ran that out a bit too much, thanks
Bufzookie Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I think you missed my point hun!! I don't know the whole story of what kind of things you both have to work with, or not work with if thats the case. I'm just trying to give you a different point of view to why she may have done what she did. She is broken. Its obvious by her actions hun. You can sit here and say...I gave her all this and she abandoned me....well, your right....but your wrong. We are all creatures of pure stubborness and only see things in black and white. I only wanted to let you know that she might be very hurt by everything she has gone threw....which is evident in your stories that she lived a horrific first couple of marriages along with troubled upbringing. That, coupled with her loss of mother and family issues might make her not see things the way she should. In that turn, how can you blame her for being human? I in no way think her leaving was the right thing to do....but do you really think she's herself? Do you really think she is thinking clearly? She is not whole! She is grieving and dealing in the only way she knows how. to run away. Now that we got that out of the way.....think of what you said. " I am very emotional and I give her what she needs/better then she ever had" Now that is a matter of purspective. To you, you are doing all the right things, to her, it might not be what she wanted.....or needed. her problems stem are FAR beyond your marriage together. but again, its you are niether right nor wrong. YOU are not her! I feel bad that you are going through all this, but please don't be bitter. Life is way to short for your to sit there and think of all things you hatted about her son, or how crappy it feels to get dumped......just remember that here is always tomarrow. She may come around, but you both need to seek help to build together. If you can salvage your relationship. How about thinking positive and asking yourself, is she worth fighting for? If she is, then put that stuff behind you and try to focus on getting her better. I know you think I'm just rambling on, but I'm giving you solid advice friend! I have the same type of issue with my husband but I'm in both of your shoes!! He cheats and focuses his life else where and has left me to fend for myself. Also, I lived the troubled past and suffered the loss of my mother. But the difference is...I sought help for myself!!! and I looked pasted my husbands flaws and realized that he was worth fighting for. because he is a broken person. How can I ever abandon him when he needs me the most. I know he can get better, I can't fix him but I love him and god gave me strength to get him to seek help. And sometimes that ment holding up our whole relationship at times. Even when it looked like there was no hope!! There always is!! Good luck to you!!
Author Dakota93 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 I understand what your saying, and even though I can't stand the thought of not being with her, I know she was having problems dealing with everything that was happening, we have gone through a bad time with money and all and she's been trying to get a job for a long time, that was weighing on her hard. I went through all the bad stuff with her and was there for her when she needed me, but only for a few years and I can't help her for what happened in her past before me. I try but she's the one that has to get by it. its like I said, I'm a totally different kind of man than shes used to. I have a bad feeling that she thinks she's not good enough for me and she is the reason all the bad stuff has happened in the last couple of years. she thinks shes a black sheep. I've tried to tell her shes just had some bad luck. I have a tendency to be a bit on the bad luck side myself. this is my 3rd marriage and I swore that this time it was going to work. And it took me 2 years to make the decision to even get married again. I told her I wouldn't do it again, but after I realized how much I loved her it changed my way of thinking and here we R. Bad stuff happens, its part of everyones life, no matter who u R. some more than others but still its there. The only thing I want is My wife Back. I don't care whos fault or what or why, I just want her to come back home so we can make it work, nothing worth having is not worth the effort. I think she may feel that as long as she's with me, I will have bad luck. I was having it before we even met. if it wasn't for my bad luck, we wouldn't be together now. I know that doesn't sound right but u know what I mean. I haven't called her sense the day she left, try to give her some time to think. I don't have a phone other than a cell and she has that. I think what I'm most affraid of is finding out she's with someone else or wanting to be. Shes not the cheating type, but u never know. I really don't know what to say or to do when to it or anything, I want to say the right things when I do. this is such a mess. its so hard to love anyone these days.
alwayssme Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I understand what your saying, and even though I can't stand the thought of not being with her, I know she was having problems dealing with everything that was happening, we have gone through a bad time with money and all and she's been trying to get a job for a long time, that was weighing on her hard. I went through all the bad stuff with her and was there for her when she needed me, but only for a few years and I can't help her for what happened in her past before me. I try but she's the one that has to get by it. its like I said, I'm a totally different kind of man than shes used to. I have a bad feeling that she thinks she's not good enough for me and she is the reason all the bad stuff has happened in the last couple of years. she thinks shes a black sheep. I've tried to tell her shes just had some bad luck. I have a tendency to be a bit on the bad luck side myself. this is my 3rd marriage and I swore that this time it was going to work. And it took me 2 years to make the decision to even get married again. I told her I wouldn't do it again, but after I realized how much I loved her it changed my way of thinking and here we R. Bad stuff happens, its part of everyones life, no matter who u R. some more than others but still its there. The only thing I want is My wife Back. I don't care whos fault or what or why, I just want her to come back home so we can make it work, nothing worth having is not worth the effort. I think she may feel that as long as she's with me, I will have bad luck. I was having it before we even met. if it wasn't for my bad luck, we wouldn't be together now. I know that doesn't sound right but u know what I mean. I haven't called her sense the day she left, try to give her some time to think. I don't have a phone other than a cell and she has that. I think what I'm most affraid of is finding out she's with someone else or wanting to be. Shes not the cheating type, but u never know. I really don't know what to say or to do when to it or anything, I want to say the right things when I do. this is such a mess. its so hard to love anyone these days. I hear that! I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. How long has it been now since she left or since the last time you spoke to her?
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