hayworth24 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Ugh. I broke the NC rule today (day 8). I started dating a man last June 2007. We eventually fell in love and had a lot of respect, trust, friendship, passion, affection, etc. However, we always struggled with his inability to communicate. I decided to walk and left the relationship in March 2008. We eventually got back together in July 2008 and he told me his guard is up. He said he felt like I disgarded his and it was traumatic for him. He was still upset that I dated someone for several weeks (but this was not the reason I left and this happened later). The last couple of months have actually been pretty hard on me as I see him clam up and hold back. The communication issue has actually gotten worse. The last time we spoke was last week Thursday and he sounded like he didn't even want to talk with me even though he called. He sounded angry. So I decided to just leave him alone, but he also didn't call me for the last 8 days. SO I GOT WEAK and called him tonight. The conversation was basic but when we were about to end the call I asked him if we could spend some time together and he said "I'll let you know". WTF!!! Seriously - I'LL LET YOU KNOW??? I know he has his kids all weekend, but come on - Monday would work......... If felt like crap as i am seeing that this person has changed and is not putting forth the effort so I think I need to walk away. I feel like he is trying to get me to BREAK UP with him and take the easy way out. Ugh . I'm a smart woman that has let my love for this guy overshadow my good judgment. But it still HURTS!! I am 40 and he is 42, and I believe this is as good as its gonna get. I am mad at myself for not being strong and breaking NC today. I feel like I now have to start over with NC and the ball is in his court. Ugh I hate this. I would welcome any advice or thoughts.
Sysyphus28 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Ugh. I broke the NC rule today (day 8). I started dating a man last June 2007. We eventually fell in love and had a lot of respect, trust, friendship, passion, affection, etc. However, we always struggled with his inability to communicate. I decided to walk and left the relationship in March 2008. We eventually got back together in July 2008 and he told me his guard is up. He said he felt like I disgarded his and it was traumatic for him. He was still upset that I dated someone for several weeks (but this was not the reason I left and this happened later). The last couple of months have actually been pretty hard on me as I see him clam up and hold back. The communication issue has actually gotten worse. The last time we spoke was last week Thursday and he sounded like he didn't even want to talk with me even though he called. He sounded angry. So I decided to just leave him alone, but he also didn't call me for the last 8 days. SO I GOT WEAK and called him tonight. The conversation was basic but when we were about to end the call I asked him if we could spend some time together and he said "I'll let you know". WTF!!! Seriously - I'LL LET YOU KNOW??? I know he has his kids all weekend, but come on - Monday would work......... If felt like crap as i am seeing that this person has changed and is not putting forth the effort so I think I need to walk away. I feel like he is trying to get me to BREAK UP with him and take the easy way out. Ugh . I'm a smart woman that has let my love for this guy overshadow my good judgment. But it still HURTS!! I am 40 and he is 42, and I believe this is as good as its gonna get. I am mad at myself for not being strong and breaking NC today. I feel like I now have to start over with NC and the ball is in his court. Ugh I hate this. I would welcome any advice or thoughts. It really is crazy how dating doesn't get any easier or simple as time goes on. I am 28, you are 12 years older...........some people on LS are 10 years younger than me. It is this confusing struggle. It is great that this forum provides the outward advice to get through these situations. People tend to repeat relationships in cycles.........posting here and adjusting your actions helps break certain cycles and be more sucessful in love and ultimately life! *** Love overshadows judgement all the time. Your mind and heart are in some kind of battle..............then you act on what the winner tells you to do. I have been using my mind for 6 weeks NC. My heart would love to hear her voice and laugh. You should probably walk away. Why settle. WHY SETTLE! The grass is really greener sometimes. Believe it
Gere51 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Sorry, but if you broke up with him before his guard is going to be up. By you ending the relationship to begin with you have apparently caused a lot of trust (distrust) within him to come out. This is a classic example of why you cannot go back to exes. Even if my ex wanted me back I could never trust her again after breaking it off the first time. He's always going to be guarded with you and there will always be a part of him that you'll never, ever have.
Author hayworth24 Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Sysyphus28....you are right. The battle of the heart and the mind are my internal struggle of trying to let go. My head says one thing and my heart the other. I usually go with my head. What pissed me off yesterday is when he said "I was going to call you today". I guess what hurts is that he sounds so disconnected. Only earlier this year, he would have done anything for me. I instigated us getting back together and I don't think he was ready, and he seemed bummed out. He said I was the only woman he ever cried for. He said he tried to replace me but it didn't work. He said he went on 4 different first dates and no second dates. He said he compared everyone to me and they didn't come close. But he was mad that I dated someone for a couple of months. He said it bothered him and he was trying to deal with it. I think he just shut down and we never got back to that place the first time we were together. I'm learning to let go to open up my life to someone new eventually. If I sit back and really look honestly I can see that I'm a good woman and deserve better. We can't force someone to give us what we need. When your partner withholds love, its even lonelier than being alone. And that is just plain cruel, selfish and immature. Day 1 NC and counting........
Author hayworth24 Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 I can see how he can have his guard up. But we all have to connect at some point with another human being. I know many men who have forgiven women for a lot worse and moved forward. I didn;t cheat, wasn't mean, always loved and showed affection for him, but I can see I was more skilled in the communication department and would push him to talk when he didn't want to. So I guess I have pushed him away and it started to bug him. He used to say to me before we broke up "you don't need me. I want you to need me". I never really understood what he meant, so when we got back together I really tried to show him how important he was to me and that I needed him. WHAT's WEIRD is he wanted me to need him with "honey do lists" and tell him about work and just chatting. When I tried to lean on him emotionally about talks about "us" he would just clam up. He told me his issues have to do with his dad and that his mom and dad did not talk and his ex wife and him hardly ever talked. So I would start to hold stuff in and this made our relationship even more tense. He is a good guy, but probably not the best choice for a partner long term. Its hard because I am friends with his sister and her and my best friend set us up. I have known of him since 4th grade. There is a lot of history as we know a lot of the same people. He said yesterday that he stayed away because: "I think you are better off without me in your life". What does this mean?? He said he doesn't think he can make me happy. Ugh - how is talking being needy or unhappy? Whew.....
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