shadowplay Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I've always wanted to be the confident, outgoing girl that guys are drawn to, but it's not in my nature. The more I try to force it, the more unnatural it feels. Since things ended with my ex I've been having trouble accepting the way I am. He made it known throughout our relationship that he felt I was "lacking" for not being an extrovert and that all the other girls he had crushed on in the past were. Near the end of our relationship he developed a crush on another girl, and when I pried him about it he explained that it was because she was "extroverted" and he's into that type. He said it wasn't enough that I wanted to do things and that I willingly went along with him when he invited me places. He said I should know about things going on and be inviting him places too. This was a problem because I didn't have many friends so I wasn't part of any social loop. I just wish it had been enough that I went places with him and wanted to do things. Why did I need to be naturally extroverted on top of that? It made me feel really inadequate to say the least. Are most guys into this type or just some? Will it be possible for me to find a partner who doesn't have a problem with the fact that I'm somewhat shy and who will appreciate my other redeeming traits?
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Shadow, this is tough to explain. IMO, he's attaching constructs to his feelings. If he had truly had a spiritual and emotional connection with you, he would have not only been inspired by your positive traits, of which there are many, but would have respected and supported your intrinsic personality. You do understand that being "introverted" is not better or worse than being "extroverted"; it's just different. Our society attaches labels to make itself feel more understanding of our differences. As I often say "you're not alone" (I do this to dementia caregivers who think no one else is going through what they are....wrong ) so, rather than putting yourself down for the opinion of another, celebrate your uniqueness and share it with the world on your terms. You can do that, you know Others will tell you you're always down on yourself; snap out of it. They're tired of hearing it. Well, I'll just keep singing the same song, and pretty soon you'll be humming it to yourself Are most guys into this type or just some?Most guys notice extroverted ladies first, simply because the ladies are more "out there". Some of us look beyond the surfaces of social constructs and see the nuances, and that's where the introverts shine. IME, they are those who think and feel deeply and share their lives in a serious and meaningful way; perhaps, at the extreme, a bit "heavy"; this is where having a more extroverted mate who appreciates them serves as a balance. Myself, I vacillate, depending on how I sense my surroundings. It's a function of a sensitive nervous system. An analysis of all the "noise" in the room is going on at a continuous subconscious level and I don't even realize immediately why I'm being outgoing or quiet; it's only later that I put terms to the construct. Adding, because I tend to block out "noise", an introverted person will usually stand out to me because their "quiet" is noticeable. Well, I said it was tough to explain Hopefully, another LS'er will get it in 10 words or less...
monkey00 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Personally I'm into girls who have some extroversion to them. I would guess that extraversion would get a person noticed in any social setting. But of course if I'm in a relationship with a girl, I'd want to have fun in it at the same time. You may think the small stuff doesn't add up..but it does. We could tease each other, we could make suggestions for date ideas or invite each other to friends' outings, etc. The girl could drag me to do something I don't want to do or I'd do the same. Anyway I don't think there's anything wrong or flawed about your personality/nature. It's who you are shadowplay. I think you just need to find someone that truly appreciates that side of you.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Shadow, this is tough to explain. IMO, he's attaching constructs to his feelings. If he had truly had a spiritual and emotional connection with you, he would have not only been inspired by your positive traits, of which there are many, but would have respected and supported your intrinsic personality. Thanks for the response. I always appreciate your insight, especially since your personality seems similar to mine in some ways. The bolded part is basically what a friend told me, that his complaint about me not being extroverted was a cover for some larger, vaguer issue. I still have difficulty buying that. I noticed, for instance, that when I put on a fake air of extroversion around him he acted much more into me. I had to stop because it never felt natural. Throughout our relationship I was insecure that I wasn't his ideal type and he basically confirmed that in the end. I just don't understand why he wasted so much time with me if he knew from the very start that I was shy.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Personally I'm into girls who have some extroversion to them. I would guess that extraversion would get a person noticed in any social setting. But of course if I'm in a relationship with a girl, I'd want to have fun in it at the same time. You may think the small stuff doesn't add up..but it does. We could tease each other, we could make suggestions for date ideas or invite each other to friends' outings, etc. The girl could drag me to do something I don't want to do or I'd do the same. Anyway I don't think there's anything wrong or flawed about your personality/nature. It's who you are shadowplay. I think you just need to find someone that truly appreciates that side of you. I like to have fun and go out and do things. I just don't have many friends, so I don't know about things that are going on.
monkey00 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I just don't understand why he wasted so much time with me if he knew from the very start that I was shy. Nothing wrong with shy girls, I love em all I like to have fun and go out and do things. I just don't have many friends, so I don't know about things that are going on. I think that's understandable. An example would be my roommate and his gf, she was from another country and him another state...so neither of them really had any friends. Most of their time they spend together nowadays. You would probably strike gold if you met someone who was in your situation. But it also doesn't necessarily mean you can't make friends or find about events going on in the city you guys could do. I know shy people have a harder time, but it's still doable. Unfortunately society labels shy/introverted people with boring...well that's life sometimes. Maybe things ended for a good reason..do you think he was your type? Have you thought about taking interest in outside hobbies/activities?
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I just don't have many friends, so I don't know about things that are going on. Do you think you have "enough" friends, for you? Do you feel like you're "missing out" on "things that are going on"? Why? It's important to be honest with yourself on these subjects, IMO. They are very revealing when examined. We won't be doing that tonight
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I've always wanted to be the confident, outgoing girl that guys are drawn to, but it's not in my nature. The more I try to force it, the more unnatural it feels. Since things ended with my ex I've been having trouble accepting the way I am. He made it known throughout our relationship that he felt I was "lacking" for not being an extrovert and that all the other girls he had crushed on in the past were. Near the end of our relationship he developed a crush on another girl, and when I pried him about it he explained that it was because she was "extroverted" and he's into that type. He said it wasn't enough that I wanted to do things and that I willingly went along with him when he invited me places. He said I should know about things going on and be inviting him places too. This was a problem because I didn't have many friends so I wasn't part of any social loop. I just wish it had been enough that I went places with him and wanted to do things. Why did I need to be naturally extroverted on top of that? It made me feel really inadequate to say the least. Are most guys into this type or just some? Will it be possible for me to find a partner who doesn't have a problem with the fact that I'm somewhat shy and who will appreciate my other redeeming traits? This post & question is a sign of low self-confidence IMO. Why do you think your entire personality ought to change to suit one guy's preferences? If your next bf happens to prefer 300 lbs fat chicks, are you going to start eating at McDonalds 5 times a day to cater to him? Look, a simple truth of dating & relationships is that different people have different preferences. Some guys like skinny girls, some guys like curvy girls, and a few freaks like 300 lbs fat chicks. If you are skinny, curvy, or obese, you have a choice: try to radically change your physique via crash-dieting, gorging on junk food, or getting plastic surgery to suit your current partner's tastes; or find someone who actually likes how you look. Which do you think makes more sense? It's the same with personality, only more so, since you simply cannot change your personality anywhere near as much as your looks. Some guys prefer dumb airheads, others like bookish intellectual types; some guys like passive homemaker-type women, others prefer take-charge go-getting women. Some guys prefer extroverts, others prefer introverts. Now, when you happen to be dating someone who prefers a different type to you, then isn't it just the same issue? Instead of thinking that the problem lies with yourself, why don't you just accept the reality which is that you two aren't suited to each other? He prefers one type, the opposite of you. So you aren't going to have a successful relationship. End of story, end of relationship. In future, stop getting serious with guys who don't suit your preferences, and stop getting serious with guys whose preferences are the total opposite of who you are. Also, learn to accept who you and be happy with that, instead of thinking you should be someone totally different - a goal which you can never achieve anyway. As for men's preferences, personally I find most extroverted women annoying and superficial. Some other guys love them. Why does it matter what "men" like, since you are not dating men, you are dating a man, an individual. Make sure you are what *he* likes, and forget everyone else's preferences.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Thanks for the responses everybody. I just wish I could find a guy who wasn't superficial and appreciated depth more. My ex was always drawn to girls who had a resume of impressive activities. Like she plays tennis, she does horseback riding, she has a radio show, she takes dancing lessons on Sundays. It seemed that those things mattered more to him than what was beneath the surface. I just don't understand why that's so important. I never felt like he appreciated me on a deep level and I always felt like he would gladly trade me up for a girl who had a more impressive resume.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 He made it known throughout our relationship that he felt I was "lacking" for not being an extrovert and that all the other girls he had crushed on in the past were. Sorry to be blunt but the f*ckwit should have gone off and found an extrovert instead of making out like there's something wrong with you.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Thanks for the responses everybody. I just wish I could find a guy who wasn't superficial and appreciated depth more. My ex was always drawn to girls who had a resume of impressive activities. Like she plays tennis, she has a radio show, she dances on Sundays. It seemed that those things mattered more to him than what was beneath the surface. I just don't understand why that's so important. I never felt like he appreciated me on a deep level and always felt like he would gladly trade me up for a girl who had a more impressive resume. I've dated guys like this. Stay away from them. They will suck out any self esteem you have. I dated a guy once who gave me homework! I'm not kidding! I had given him some writing samples I had saved from college and he asked why I wasn't currently writing. I just wasn't into it at the time. He though that I wasn't accomplished enough, and since I had kind of an entry level position at the time, I also did not have the status he was looking for (His ex-wife was a very young VP at her company). Anyway, he wanted me to write ten pages while he was gone for vacation, and he asked to read it when he got back. I didn't feel motivated by this at all. I felt like I wasn't up to his standards. So why was he dating me then? You do need to find a guy who appreciates you for who you are. I know that is harder as an introvert, because this does seem to be an extroverted world where extroversion is rewarded.
Shygirl15 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I'm an introvert who's comfortable and happy with myself. I prefer to stay that way. Some outgoing girls are fake, and sometimes in a effort to look outgoing they end up making a complete fool out of themselves. I think once you accept yourself you won't be bothered with anybody else's views of you.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 I've dated guys like this. Stay away from them. They will suck out any self esteem you have. I dated a guy once who gave me homework! I'm not kidding! I had given him some writing samples I had saved from college and he asked why I wasn't currently writing. I just wasn't into it at the time. He though that I wasn't accomplished enough, and since I had kind of an entry level position at the time, I also did not have the status he was looking for (His ex-wife was a very young VP at her company). Anyway, he wanted me to write ten pages while he was gone for vacation, and he asked to read it when he got back. I didn't feel motivated by this at all. I felt like I wasn't up to his standards. So why was he dating me then? You do need to find a guy who appreciates you for who you are. I know that is harder as an introvert, because this does seem to be an extroverted world where extroversion is rewarded. That's so absurd it's almost funny. Talk about controlling. I think people like this feel inadequate themselves because they look for partners who will compensate for their deficiencies (in terms of success, whatever).
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 That's so absurd it's almost funny. Talk about controlling. I think people like this feel inadequate themselves because they look for partners who will compensate for their deficiencies (in terms of success, whatever). Haha! It's funny now. I agree with you about the inadequacy issue.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Though I have learned to be more outgoing when I need and want to be, I am an introvert at heart, and I am very selective with whom I allow close to me. I have no interest in having dozens of acquaintances, though I know I could, but prefer a few close friendships. I am absolutely into quality over quantity. Introverts have many strengths over extroverts: -we're OK on our own, and don't need constant input and attention -we tend to be better planners, are less flaky, and stick with our commitments -we are deep and well-developed, rather than superficial and overly concerned with surface qualities -our values (honesty, integrity) are important to us, and we are loyal -we are usually more imaginative and intuitive, as we pick up on all the internal information beneath the surface -we are often great artists, with a rich inner life, and very creative The modern world is full of noise and distractions. As much as possible, I keep the static turned down and live life the way I want to. I think that you should accept yourself as you are and find someone who appreciates you and is compatible with you.
Vertex Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I personally think introverts and extroverts have their pros and cons.
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I personally think introverts and extroverts have their pros and cons. I agree with this and am, generally, an introvert. I think all people have positive and negative aspects. Finding a compatible mix is the challenge in a relationship. Saying "I love you but we're not compatible" is exceedingly difficult (for me at least) but IMO very necessary to personal psychological health. It's difficult because, when an introvert invests their time an emotion in someone, it's a big investment and not lightly taken or dismissed. As someone mentioned, "quality over quantity".
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Make the friends and family you have in your life now COUNT. Even if you had tons of friends, I'd bet only a handful of them are your 'true' friends and would be there for you when the chips are down. People can't change who they are, in the sense of personality and being shy. Sure, you can work on that, try putting yourself out there more, but you are who you are! If you're unhappy, fine tune afew things within yourself, but don't change too much.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Though I have learned to be more outgoing when I need and want to be, I am an introvert at heart, and I am very selective with whom I allow close to me. I have no interest in having dozens of acquaintances, though I know I could, but prefer a few close friendships. I am absolutely into quality over quantity. Introverts have many strengths over extroverts: -we're OK on our own, and don't need constant input and attention -we tend to be better planners, are less flaky, and stick with our commitments -we are deep and well-developed, rather than superficial and overly concerned with surface qualities -our values (honesty, integrity) are important to us, and we are loyal -we are usually more imaginative and intuitive, as we pick up on all the internal information beneath the surface -we are often great artists, with a rich inner life, and very creative The modern world is full of noise and distractions. As much as possible, I keep the static turned down and live life the way I want to. I think that you should accept yourself as you are and find someone who appreciates you and is compatible with you. Eh? Are you me? I had to check I didn't post that.
Hotel Paradiso Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I've always wanted to be the confident, outgoing girl that guys are drawn to, but it's not in my nature. The more I try to force it, the more unnatural it feels. Since things ended with my ex I've been having trouble accepting the way I am. He made it known throughout our relationship that he felt I was "lacking" for not being an extrovert and that all the other girls he had crushed on in the past were. Near the end of our relationship he developed a crush on another girl, and when I pried him about it he explained that it was because she was "extroverted" and he's into that type. He said it wasn't enough that I wanted to do things and that I willingly went along with him when he invited me places. He said I should know about things going on and be inviting him places too. This was a problem because I didn't have many friends so I wasn't part of any social loop. I just wish it had been enough that I went places with him and wanted to do things. Why did I need to be naturally extroverted on top of that? It made me feel really inadequate to say the least. Are most guys into this type or just some? Will it be possible for me to find a partner who doesn't have a problem with the fact that I'm somewhat shy and who will appreciate my other redeeming traits? I, as well as most guys I know don't give a care about women's outgoingness. We care how attractive you are, and if you're a decent, sane person, but outgoingness does not factor in that. That being said, I know that it's about as unattractive as running around with a skunk on you if a guy isn't confident, charming and outgoing. I've never came across a woman in my life who was attracted to the 'quiet, shy' type and have spent YEARS re-engineering the way my mind operates to undo my own nature and be that way. But, who said life is fair, right? Dating's the furthest thing from it.
brandylou Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 A guy that really likes you will not care that you are shy. He will understand and help you to overcome it at your own pace..by possibly doing things together to make you more comfortable..there is no reason why you should feel bad about being shy. you'll know when you found the right one.. cause he will think it's 'cute'. lol. plus he will notice the other great things of your personality.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Eh? Are you me? I had to check I didn't post that. Really? Interesting. I admit: I just broke up with someone who seemed to be a commitment phobe, so when I first saw your user name, I thought, "Avoid this guy." lol So, I find it funny that we should have enough in common for you to relate so easily to me on this.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I've never came across a woman in my life who was attracted to the 'quiet, shy' type and have spent YEARS re-engineering the way my mind operates to undo my own nature and be that way. Now that I have a fair amount of experience with both ends of the spectrum (quiet and introverted vs. gregarious and assertive), I can say that my ideal partner would be right about in the middle, just like me -- introverted enough not to need constant validation and approval from masses of people, but assertive and take-charge enough to get stuff done when it needs to get done. And of course, he has to be able to approach me and flirt with me in the first place -- otherwise, we'll never get anywhere. But with everything I have learned about men and different personality types by now, I would probably react much better to a guy who wasn't so cocky. I know now that those types of guys are usually, in general, way more into the conquest, and much more likely to get antsy for a new conquest once they've landed you.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Really? Interesting. I admit: I just broke up with someone who seemed to be a commitment phobe, so when I first saw your user name, I thought, "Avoid this guy." lol So, I find it funny that we should have enough in common for you to relate so easily to me on this. book, cover, judge, don't etc. Ever known an outwardly confident person that's really insecure? People are often contradictions of what they project. That's why introverts are pretty interesting.
fral945 Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 It made me feel really inadequate to say the least. Are most guys into this type or just some? Will it be possible for me to find a partner who doesn't have a problem with the fact that I'm somewhat shy and who will appreciate my other redeeming traits? Most guys, like one of the other posters said, care if you are physically attractive and a decent person without too much drama. I don't know many who care how outgoing you are. I prefer quieter, more shy women vs. outgoing and bubbly. Personally, you sound just like the type of girl I like most. I do notice that I (being more introverted) seem to attract extroverted women more (probably has something to do with the old "opposites attract" adage). Also, when there are two shy people it's difficult to get anything going because someone has to open up and initiate first. If you're very shy, you will probably attract the most extroverted, outgoing men. Obviously, people like that tend to have lots of friends and get a lot of their energy and drive from interacting with people. Personally, as an introvert, I could go days without interacting with people. I have a more internal drive and find being very socially active and around people all the time tiring. I've worked on being a bit more outgoing and open that I normally have been in the last few years. I have found that this has helped me with women. You don't have to be giggly and bubbly, but try opening up to people more, smile more, look people in the eyes more, and appear more open. I have discovered that the image you project to others can make a world of difference and you can permanently alter the way people view you in a positive way. To start, just try talking to random strangers in the grocery store or mall. Then work your way up to guys you find attractive. I know it feels comforting to stay within yourself, but being a little more open might help you out in dating and life in general, while attracting fewer men like your ex.
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