Have you ever hurt the one you "Love"

[badhubby]

I committed adultery by having sex with four people over a five year span. One was in our home. Another was from another state. The other two were local. The three that were from here was only one time (not that that matters). I love my wife and always have and always will. We have had our differences and we handled them differently not an excuse because there is not one. My couneselor tells me that the infedelity that I witnessed as a child may be a reason that I went that direction to get away from my problems. Even though I understand my wife position that she wants a divorce I love her and I know, she knows that that is not the type of person I am. I am willing to go to counseling, group meeting or whatever I have to do. Has anyone ever deal with anything like this. Please help I Love her.

[Geishawhelk]

I My couneselor tells me that the infedelity that I witnessed as a child may be a reason that I went that direction to get away from my problems.

 

I'm sorry.... I am so sorry, but this irritates me beyond words.

 

The infidelity you witnessed as a child is one thing.

The infidelity you practiced now, was a choice.

Nobody obligated you to sleep around, and the old-hat excuse of, "I can't help it, it's because of...." just doesn't wash.

If every other thing you've done has been based on a personal decision, then this is no different.

My old neighbour's father was a child molester.

This didn't mean he went on to molest his own kids.

Far from it.

 

So please, whilst I understand this has an emotional effect, I do not concur with the fact that this gave you reason to do likewise.

I was working in counselling for some time, and trust me, using such events as things to fall back on is a false premise.

You screwed around because you felt like it.

Simple.

you ARE that type of person.

You can't keep it in your trousers. That you did this 4 times, proves that.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I'm afraid in cases such as these, I tell it like it is.....

[MichelleS1983]

Bent and Geisha, thank God you voiced exactly what I was thinking. Everyone is so darned quick to blame bad behavior on our poor disadvantaged childhoods or the whether or the hormones in our beef - or that FAMOUSLY misused old standby, 'sexual addiction.'

 

I, too, agree with the fact that the original poster did it simply because he wanted to get laid. There's no "hidden" deep, dark meaning that must be delved into in therapy to 'understand' why he did what he did. He did it because it was fun for him - period. Most men are very capable of separating sex from love, so it's not a huge jump outside the box for them to seek out a little strange excitement on the side purely for entertainment purposes.

 

It drives me NUTS that no one wants to take accountability for what is nothing more than bad behavior. Period.

 

Is your wife buying the therapist's garbage that it's all stemming from your childhood? I'm not. LOL.

[badhubby]

Thank you for your honesty, something I have had trouble with. Yes I do take responsibility for my actions. There is nothing in my past that can "MAKE" me do anything. I have feelings to and there are things that made me feel unwanted and unloved. It is not for me to be my counselor(she recommended her) just listen to her and make myself a better husband and father. Please understand that there is more to this story. I want to work things out discuss my feelings along with hers. Healing is in need for both of us. I need help to fix what I have done. I know that hurting someone you love is the worst thing you can do, but I do love my wife and our children very much. I can't go back and change what I have done but I can show her that I am willing to do whatever it takes today, tomorrow and forever to show her I'm sorry and will NEVER do this again. I still to this day give her open free reein over my email, facebook, and bank accounts. I give her my checks along with deposit slips. She reads my emails before I do. So I am sorry know what I did wrong and am ready to take responsibility for what I have done.Even if I can't fix this I want to improve our relationship.

 

Thanks Badhubby

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is continually show your wife in actions, how sorry you are by fixing yourself, doing counselling and being a complete open book. So far, it seems you've done well with that.

 

IF any of the OW contact you, TELL your wife right away. Don't ever hide anything, even if you think it'll upset her, hurt her feelings, it's better for her to be angry and hurt by the truth than hiding and lying.

 

Good luck, keep working on you and keep posting too.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I committed adultery by having sex with four people over a five year span. One was in our home. Another was from another state. The other two were local. The three that were from here was only one time (not that that matters). I love my wife and always have and always will. We have had our differences and we handled them differently not an excuse because there is not one. My couneselor tells me that the infedelity that I witnessed as a child may be a reason that I went that direction to get away from my problems. Even though I understand my wife position that she wants a divorce I love her and I know, she knows that that is not the type of person I am. I am willing to go to counseling, group meeting or whatever I have to do. Has anyone ever deal with anything like this. Please help I Love her.

 

What are you willing to change to make things right? Are you willing to submit to ALL her demands and scrutiny for love? Are you willing to put up with her fears and accusations? Are you willing to give up contact with people and stay away from certain situations that she might think is supcious or that you are willing to deal with random checks? Are you willing to answer all her questions and BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH HER? Are you willing to tell your friends and family about your betrayal?

 

These are just some of the things you may have to deal with in order to reconcil. And you will be reconciling probably for as long as you two stay married.

 

 

DNR

[badhubby]

Thanks again, Yes i am willing to do "ANYTHING" for as long as I have to. I'm not perfect as nobody is. I want her to know that I made horrible mistakes in judgement. I don't want to talk to them again but if I do she will be the first to know. Having the guts to tell someone you love something that may hurt them is probably the hardest thing to do but I am going to try. It just sucks when everyone seems to be telling her to leave without even asking any questions.

Thanks

[Mr. Lucky]

It just sucks when everyone seems to be telling her to leave without even asking any questions.

Thanks

Here are the questions most people would ask:

 

Did he cheat on you?

Was it more than once?

Did the cheating occur in your home?

 

Yes, yes and yes. You've said many times you "love" your wife as though love, as a noun, was just a feeling. But love is a verb, an action that manifests itself through our deeds. And the consequences of what you've done would be fatal to almost any relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dexter Morgan]

There is absolutely no way someone can say they love someone, then turn around and betray them and have sex with other people.

[JamesM]

There is absolutely no way someone can say they love someone, then turn around and betray them and have sex with other people.

 

I disagree. Anger at someone you love can produce the choice of an affair. If the one you love chooses to say refuse you sex, then in anger, a response may be to have sex with someone else.

 

Badhubby, you did not just make "horrible mistakes," but you went much farther. You ruined your wife's life. Your mistakes bother you because you have ruined your life, but do they really bother you because of how it affected the one to whom you allegedly committed your life?

 

The reason that people are telling her to leave is so that she is spared further hurt. If you had cheated once, then that is bad enough. But to have cheated over five years without her even knowing it, this means that five years of her life with you were a lie. This means that she will now always wonder if you are living the truth with her or if it is a lie that she will discover in another five years.

 

You have an addiction to the excitement of affairs. If you can take them into your home, then it shows that you live recklessly without thought.

 

And if you handled hurts and misunderstanding with affairs in the past, what really will prevent you from doing it again after this pain is gone. And it will disappear. You will forget the way you feel now. And you will forget the way she is so hurt.

 

But she will not.

 

I hate to really say this...and I rarely ever do, but this one looks unsalvageable to me. I usually say there are second chances for everyone, but this one seems quite far gone. I hope I am wrong, and that doesn't mean I think you should not try, but it does mean that the odds are stacked against you.

 

If you can keep her after all of the affairs, then it will be a miracle. And if you can stay faithful for five more years, then this will be a greater miracle. But the greatest miracle in my mind will be if SHE can get over this enough to begin loving you again for the rest of her life. She may for awhile, but for the rest of her life will be quite remarkable.

 

Good luck. I hope you realize the severity of your sins. I say this not because i am better, but because i do understand and hope you truly do, too.

 

BTW, how did she find out that you were having these affairs?

[Dexter Morgan]

I disagree. Anger at someone you love can produce the choice of an affair. If the one you love chooses to say refuse you sex, then in anger, a response may be to have sex with someone else.

 

Then it wasn't love. If can get that angry with someone to betray them in the worst way, then the "love" wasn't there in the first place. But in this case it isn't even a question of being angry at the person he cheated on.

 

What was the quote from the movie Boomerang from Halle Berry?

 

"What do you know about love? Love should have brought your ass home last night."

[JamesM]

Then it wasn't love. If can get that angry with someone to betray them in the worst way, then the "love" wasn't there in the first place.

 

We will have to agree to disagree. Love which is rejected can cause an angry backlash. And that can go both ways. If the woman who is cheated on decides herself to cheat, then does this mean she never loved her cheating husband? No. It is her angry response to his betrayal of her.

 

Anger at the one you love can result in the ultimate betrayal (which may be different for different people). When we know each other's vulnerabilities, then in anger we exploit them.

 

Anger is not the opposite of love...apathy is.

 

But in this case it isn't even a question of being angry at the person he cheated on.

 

 

Agree. Multiple affairs over a long period of time does not indicate anger so much as it indicates an addiction to affairs.

 

In any case, it comes down to a very steep uphill battle.

 

And then if divorce, it leads to a very difficult explanation to any future possible LT relationships.

[badhubby]

Yes I do really feel upset at what I did because I took away from my wife and family. I don't believe I am addicted to excitement of affairs thay happened not just because I wanted to have sex with someone. I just refuse to blame my actions on my wife for ANYTHING that I have done no matter what she did, said or how she made me feel. The down time, time of remorse will NEVER go away from me. I will hold the hurt my wife feels on my sleeve for the rest of my life no matter whether she stays with me or not. I will continue to go to counseling and men's group for as long as I need to, and if I ever feel that I am near that path once I stop going then I will go right back. I am not that type of person who just has sex every week with someone different. I had feelings that I feel led me to do things that I personally dispize and always have. Thats why I go to counseling and will be attending group sessions so I can have an outlet/someone to talk to if I have issues I need to talk about.

 

Once again thank all of you for your honest and open views and comments they help me a lot whether they are positive or negative I need to hear them both.

 

Thanks