Agony

[Heather1]

Both married, OM 10 yrs younger & we seem to totally click. We've kissed quite a few times, nothing further. He just got back from a 7 day 2nd honeymoon with his wife & hasn't contacted me. I told him before they went to have a great time & I hope they re-connect (what else am I supposed to say?) I have told NO ONE about this, so I'm stuck with my guilt, etc. which manifested itself into hives (which I've NEVER had before) & a panic attack (haven't had one of those for 25 years). My body is saying a heart break is a comin it seems.

Before he left, he sent me the most beautiful email saying that for my birthday he was going to write me all the things he liked about me. So now I'm in this situation where I'm expecting, but I can't be disappointed if nothing happens so I need to go into "don't expect" mode. I've known him for a year, and we just started this a few months ago & have been going back & forth. After his trip I'm probably doomed. He's been a great friend before that, and I so want to go back to that. Now it's just all weird & secret & I have no one to talk too. Can we go back? Or did I really mess this up? I was on cloud 9 before this trip & it's killing me. The EXACT OPPOSITE of what I've been feeling the past few months. Several times he's asked me to meet him & then bailed last minute over guilt. In the meantime, I picked my outfits, cleared my schedule, was hoping the days or hours would pass quickly & then boom, last minute it's a no go. I feel like such an available sap.

I've been married 18 years, with my husband 20, and have never had anything like this happen!

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome.

 

Sounds like you're starting to go through the withdrawals from the A(ffair.) All that Cloud9 stuff takes you high, but there is an emotional crash when you take the source of it away. Much like a bad flu, you need to detox and ride it out.

 

The sooner you let go of this impossible dynamic, the sooner you will heal. It really is that simple. Easier said than done, but true. Reading this board might help scare you straight. You gotta find a way to let go of the A. Work on yourself and your marriage.

[norajane]

So now I'm in this situation where I'm expecting, but I can't be disappointed if nothing happens so I need to go into "don't expect" mode.

 

Ultimately, what are you expecting here? You're both married, and he just went on a second honeymoon with his wife. What do you want out of this? Are you getting it? Are you likely to? What's the point?

[MichelleS1983]

Seriously, what IS the point? A few stolen kisses? Quite honestly, your life must be sorely lacking if you're getting hives because some married cheater who just went on his second honeymoon may or not write some lame epic for you about what he likes about you.

 

Maybe at the bottom of it, he can write, "If you like me, check the "yes" box. Jeez, this all sounds like high school crap, I kid you not. I can't even wrap my brain around this silliness.

[marriedandsad]

Seriously, what IS the point? A few stolen kisses? Quite honestly, your life must be sorely lacking if you're getting hives because some married cheater who just went on his second honeymoon may or not write some lame epic for you about what he likes about you.

 

Maybe at the bottom of it, he can write, "If you like me, check the "yes" box. Jeez, this all sounds like high school crap, I kid you not. I can't even wrap my brain around this silliness.

 

POD!!!!!

 

I think the OP needs to seek counseling to find out why a few kisses and empty promises get her into such a tizzy. You almost sound like me when I am not on my medications. I read so much more into a situation and begin to obsess over it until I get physically/mentally ill. Actually ended up being a real and serious mental disorder. Like if a guy smiles at me, I become convinced he's attracted to me. I'm married, so these thoughts and obsessions were completely inappropriate. Seriously, get evaluated, seek marriage counseling....getting hives after what you just described is worrisome.

[Heather1]

OUCH!!!

 

Yes, I'm a little "Bridges of Madison County" here. It's not a letter I was expecting, it's him to still want me when he got back.

 

Thanks for saying I'm some wacko off of meds.

[GreenEyedLady]

OUCH!!!

 

Yes, I'm a little "Bridges of Madison County" here. It's not a letter I was expecting, it's him to still want me when he got back.

 

Thanks for saying I'm some wacko off of meds.

 

You are not a wacko. It sounds to me like your needs are not being met in your M and you are turning to another man. It's actually quite common when someone feels neglected in their primary R.

 

what do you want here? Do you want to stay in your M? Or are you looking to get out?

[marriedandsad]

OUCH!!!

 

Yes, I'm a little "Bridges of Madison County" here. It's not a letter I was expecting, it's him to still want me when he got back.

 

Thanks for saying I'm some wacko off of meds.

 

Well in a round about way you just called me a whacko, so thanks for that. ANYWAYS, it was a suggestion, NOT saying you are crazy. You gave some information and we read what you wrote and came to our own conclusions from that information. If what you wrote doesn't get you the reaction you want, perhaps try clarifying.

 

But your MM just went away for a second honeymoon with his wife and has pretty much cooled it with you right? Maybe this second honeymoon was a way for him and his wife to reconnect because he realized cheating on her was not where he wanted to go. I just think you are agonizing over this a bit much. I think you do need to look into your own marriage for the answer to why you are feeling this way. Maybe he makes you feel the way you first felt about your husband? After time, I hate to say it, sometimes those feelings cool off. I know I don't get all aflutter when my husband enters the room, heck sometimes I want him to LEAVE the room because I am enjoying a few moments of husband and son free time. It can be perfectly normal.

[Reggie]

Heather, if he is 10 years younger than you, I presume he is just finishing 3rd or 4th grade. You can't possibly be above the age of majority with this mentality.

[Meaplus3]

Both married, OM 10 yrs younger & we seem to totally click. We've kissed quite a few times, nothing further. He just got back from a 7 day 2nd honeymoon with his wife & hasn't contacted me. I told him before they went to have a great time & I hope they re-connect (what else am I supposed to say?) I have told NO ONE about this, so I'm stuck with my guilt, etc. which manifested itself into hives (which I've NEVER had before) & a panic attack (haven't had one of those for 25 years). My body is saying a heart break is a comin it seems.

Before he left, he sent me the most beautiful email saying that for my birthday he was going to write me all the things he liked about me. So now I'm in this situation where I'm expecting, but I can't be disappointed if nothing happens so I need to go into "don't expect" mode. I've known him for a year, and we just started this a few months ago & have been going back & forth. After his trip I'm probably doomed. He's been a great friend before that, and I so want to go back to that. Now it's just all weird & secret & I have no one to talk too. Can we go back? Or did I really mess this up? I was on cloud 9 before this trip & it's killing me. The EXACT OPPOSITE of what I've been feeling the past few months. Several times he's asked me to meet him & then bailed last minute over guilt. In the meantime, I picked my outfits, cleared my schedule, was hoping the days or hours would pass quickly & then boom, last minute it's a no go. I feel like such an available sap.

I've been married 18 years, with my husband 20, and have never had anything like this happen!

 

Since you have only been in the A for a few months. Why not end this now and save yourself a ton of heartache? Your married and he's married really what good can come from this? As for going back to beign just friends IMO, if you have been intimate with him and have feelings than that will not work. Go NO contact and leave him be. Focus on your marriage and the reason you have strayed in the first place. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[frannie]

So now I'm in this situation where I'm expecting, but I can't be disappointed if nothing happens so I need to go into "don't expect" mode.

 

I've known him for a year, and we just started this a few months ago & have been going back & forth.

 

See what you've written there about the knots you're having to tie yourself into mentally, and the physical symptoms? This is just a few months. I don't want to point out the obvious, but this isn't going to get any better, take it from someone who was in it for over four years. The effects on your health and mental well-being are terrible, despite all the love, and everything else that you might get out of it.

 

But at the same time, I remember someone telling me at the beginning that it would only lead to pain... and I remember ignoring them because what you see there is a tremendous amount of potential. And, at the end of the day, who knows where it will lead, right? I'm actually not jaded and bitter about affairs... just realistic. And so while I can sit here and say... RUN FOR THE HILLS... I know how you feel

 

So... what do you want to do? Is your marriage over, or are you looking for an affair situation?

[Heather1]

Thank you....WAY more helpful, except for the condescending comments on me acting like a teen. Yes, being close to menopause is probably just the same kind of hormones as a teen. Hence it's a MLC full blown.

 

My marriage is not good right now. Great teen kids, one who was miss-diagnosed as being autistic when he was actually deaf, and all the fun tests & years that went on with that. Then straight to my H going to an injury that then turned to a hip replacement & that was about 7 years. I like my H, totally not attracted to him right now. I'm a very active person & didn't expect to be a caregiver with no help from friends or family. I'm completely & utterly burned out on my H. I've found myself in my 40's being there for everyone else & no one's been there for me. So yep, I'm looking for an out & we've actually been talking about it. I want to move back to my home town & he wants to stay here. I've been nothing but lonely & isolated up here for 18 yrs. My fault I'm sure, and I tried really hard to make friends until I had to kick into gear getting my son diagnosed & then helping my H. I just kind of gave up on friends & got used to being alone.

 

So this OM shows up w/ a killer smile last year. He contacted when he got back from his trip saying he thought about me the whole time. We got together quickly on Sunday, still just kissing. When I had to go he said we don't have a future, which made me feel like crap. Couldn't he have said that before I came by? He apologized, called me, emailed me & sent me emails all day making birthday plans for tomorrow & then 4pm saying it's not going to work. He called to make sure I was OK & I said I was. Then I emailed him saying I was going out of town & please don't make plans with me anymore, it's killing me. In the meantime, the effort I could be making trying to make some friends is being wasted on him. So blows my big A. I think what I really want is not an A, it's just that I want to move back home where I have friends still that "get me." I miss that.

[jwi71]

My marriage is not good right now. Great teen kids, one who was miss-diagnosed as being autistic when he was actually deaf, and all the fun tests & years that went on with that. Then straight to my H going to an injury that then turned to a hip replacement & that was about 7 years. I like my H, totally not attracted to him right now. I'm a very active person & didn't expect to be a caregiver with no help from friends or family. I'm completely & utterly burned out on my H. I've found myself in my 40's being there for everyone else & no one's been there for me. So yep, I'm looking for an out & we've actually been talking about it. I want to move back to my home town & he wants to stay here. I've been nothing but lonely & isolated up here for 18 yrs. My fault I'm sure, and I tried really hard to make friends until I had to kick into gear getting my son diagnosed & then helping my H. I just kind of gave up on friends & got used to being alone.

 

OK. 18 years and you want out. So do it. You'll get half. You'll have money. You are entitled to happiness. Question is: will you be happy alone? And by that I mean, no H around. So pretend for a minute. What if my H wasn't here...what would my daily life be like? OK, not stop fantasizing about rock climbing and hang gliding. Those dark nights? On Holidays? Birthdays? Those days...the days you miss him. And, I hate to tell you...your OM won't be there for you (he'll be there for himself when he wants).

 

So this OM shows up w/ a killer smile last year. He contacted when he got back from his trip saying he thought about me the whole time. We got together quickly on Sunday, still just kissing. When I had to go he said we don't have a future, which made me feel like crap. Couldn't he have said that before I came by? He apologized, called me, emailed me & sent me emails all day making birthday plans for tomorrow & then 4pm saying it's not going to work. He called to make sure I was OK & I said I was. Then I emailed him saying I was going out of town & please don't make plans with me anymore, it's killing me. In the meantime, the effort I could be making trying to make some friends is being wasted on him. So blows my big A. I think what I really want is not an A, it's just that I want to move back home where I have friends still that "get me." I miss that.

Its an A. The greatest litmus test is if you would do or say such in the presence of one's spouse. And we both know you wouldn't kiss your OM in front of your H...so, yeah, its an A.

 

And you'd better nip this in the bud. It won't end well for you. Spare yourself that. Get your divorce, stop seeing the OM and go home. Except, I'm not sure you really want out. You wrote "right now" too many times...

[Dexter Morgan]

OUCH!!!

 

Yes, I'm a little "Bridges of Madison County" here. It's not a letter I was expecting, it's him to still want me when he got back.

 

Even though you said you hoped he re-connects with his wife?

 

And when are you going to get a divorce from your husband since he obviously doesn't deserve this?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you....WAY more helpful, except for the condescending comments on me acting like a teen. Yes, being close to menopause is probably just the same kind of hormones as a teen. Hence it's a MLC full blown.

 

My marriage is not good right now. Great teen kids, one who was miss-diagnosed as being autistic when he was actually deaf, and all the fun tests & years that went on with that. Then straight to my H going to an injury that then turned to a hip replacement & that was about 7 years. I like my H, totally not attracted to him right now. I'm a very active person & didn't expect to be a caregiver with no help from friends or family. I'm completely & utterly burned out on my H.

 

So he gets hurt, needs someone who is suppose to love him to stand by his side, and all you can think about is shagging a younger guy?

 

nice, real nice. Hopefully you never get hurt in the future and need help only to be abandoned by someone you only thought loved you.

 

 

So yep, I'm looking for an out & we've actually been talking about it.

 

I hope you do get out. I'm sure being abandoned is better than what you are doing to him now. Hopefully you divorce him, he gets better, and finds a great new life. He deserves that. I feel for him.

 

Hopefully the OM gets a divorce from his wife so she can find someone worth a crap herself.

 

As far as you and the much younger guy, when he still looks good at 10 years younger when you start reaching 50 and beyond, and you start looking like his grandmother, things are gonna change.

 

A wonderful thing karma is.

 

But this is about advice right?

 

so here it is, get a divorce. Plain and simple. That way you can go back to your home town. you can find someone that hopefully, for his sake, never gets hurt, and your H can move on with his life.

[frannie]

I like my H, totally not attracted to him right now. I'm a very active person & didn't expect to be a caregiver with no help from friends or family. I'm completely & utterly burned out on my H. I've found myself in my 40's being there for everyone else & no one's been there for me.

 

I think what I really want is not an A, it's just that I want to move back home where I have friends still that "get me." I miss that.

 

Well, I think you're getting there with where your main problems are. Does your husband know how you feel? Does she show concern that you're unhappy? Have you made it clear to him how terribly miserable you are?

 

Why doesn't he want to move back to where you have friends? And, can you make new friends where you are now?

[marriedandsad]

I agree with the others who say that divorcing your husband is better than what you are doing to him now. Trust me, I am there. My son is special needs as well and he's a toddler. Currently going through testing. My husband had to be a "single parent" for almost a month while I was in and out of psych wards for trying to kill myself (long history of mental health issues on my part). But he NEVER waivered. He had family members offering him an easy out, they were offering him a place to stay with our son, jobs with their companies...if he would leave me. He didn't even bat an eye and said no, when he said our vows better and worse and sickness and health were some of them and he was sticking by them.

 

I understand it's hard, trust me, I do. But one way or another you're going to hurt your husband, and I think the worst way is bailing on him emotionally with another man while your family needs you the most Like I said, try some therapy where you can talk to someone who isn't involved and get some professional advice on where your life is headed. I think almost everyone at some point in their life sees a counselor, doesn't mean you're "whacko", it means you're normal.

[Heather1]

I got my birthday gift from OM, another stolen kiss & that was it after all the emails & phone calls, etc. asking what I wanted & that he was really going to put some thought into it the past few weeks. Interesting. He sent me a long email the other night professing to totally be into me...blah, blah, blah. No, he wants me for sex & for free at that. Which would be one thing if we didn't start out our friendship by me bending over backwards for him & his friends where I work. I was at work this morning, and even one of the clients I barely know brought me donuts & a card.

 

So I'm in a reality low. I think my real answer to my questions are who really loves me & who's out to use me & do I even know the difference?

[boston123]

Heather, think about what you want your life to be like in 10 years, then go for it. If you can do it with your marriage intact and happy, that's great. But if you want to move home and your husband is unwilling, that does not mean that you have to sacrifice the rest of your years to him. There will be pain and confusion and grief, but you can get through that.

 

But the OM is not a part of this picture, understand? He is already gone for all intents and purposes.

[Heather1]

Well...it's been quite a few weeks & 2 emergency room visits with my H, this time for kidney stones. Was it Jake (?) that said I was the worst person on earth for not taking care of him when he would do it for me & I'd be doing him a favor by divorcing him? I've been sick twice, and was left on the floor both times with babies. The past few months I've been thinking about my H family health history & it's not looking pretty. It's already been the majority of our marriage & his parents have been in & out of hospitals since I met him when they were in their early 50's. I think it's been hard for me to make friends when I can't make plans or keep a job because at any moment he or his parents are in the hospital. He's the first to drive 400 miles to be at his parents side. Jan & Feb he was with his parents & came home to have his surgery. I'm just exhausted.

 

So back to OM....we're still in contact. He wants to be friends & I'm just beyond confused. We haven't had physical contact for over a month. He says he really feels the same way that I do, I don't know. I seem to be the one spilling my guts. He's VERY persistent, and then backs off when he knows he has me ready to go.

 

I don't know if I could divorce my H anytime soon. I know I have NO future with OM even if I did. I think he "picked" me because I'm very busy & would be no threat to his marriage. One thing's for sure, if I didn't take care of my H there wouldn't be anyone else to do it. He could move back with his parents and their full time nurse I guess. That would be a crappier life than to stay with me. Maybe not, according to those who have never walked in my shoes.

[whichwayisup]

. He's VERY persistent, and then backs off when he knows he has me ready to go.

 

Your OM likes the thrill of the chase. That's it. Cat and mouse game and once he has you where he wants you, he loses interest.

 

Maybe you should divorce because you're unhappy in your marriage, not because you'll be free to be the OM's play toy. Do it because being on your own probably is better than staying with a man that you don't love and continue to cheat on him, given the opportunity.

[marriedandsad]

Heather, this is not a swing at you....but when you marry a person, you marry them for the goods and the bads (unless they are abusive of course). God I hate keep bringing up my issues, but in this case, I can talk from your husband's side. It SUCKS to be sick all the time. And it sucks even worse to feel or know you are a burden on the one person you should be able to count on...your spouse. And yes, I understand that he has left you on the bathroom floor while you were ill with two children. When my husband is ill...I am so burned out from ME being constantly ill...I actually get annoyed at him. But when our son is sick, I am right there with the soup and gingerale and rocking him until he is asleep. As for his parents always being ill. Do they have some condition that is chronic? If so, maybe your husband is trying to be there for them the way they were there for him growing up if he was ill all the time then too. You guys need to actually talk about this stuff. You can't just get mad inside and then have an affair to make yourself feel better. You say he isn't there for you....well you are doing something worse. You're not communicating and taking your affection to another man.

 

Kidney stones hurt though. OMG are they painful. My mother had those and I have never seen my mother falter until she had those. For men to pass those, it's the equivelant of a woman giving birth when it comes to the pain.

[JamesM]

Heather, I can hear your pain, anger and resentment in your posts.

 

And when you read some of the responses that seem harsh (and some are IMO), you must realize that some of them have been cheated on by their spouses. That is right. So when they respond to you, then some of their own experiences and anger is coming back at you. Yet some are or have been in your shoes....they usually tell you.

 

You want some excitement in your life. You want someone who cares for you. For the past years or months, you have been giving and giving, and yet no one gives back in return. It is like emptying your bank account. All of the money goes out, and nothing comes in.

 

And then some guy comes along and begins to show you what a wonderful person you are, and then you see some excitement and joy in life. There is hope. he is handsome and young, and he makes you feel the same. You are really attractive and sexy. This is thrilling!

 

Funny thing...and especially this guy...he actually is not giving to you. He is like everyone else..he is taking from you. And you seemed to have realized that.

 

I am not saying that in all affairs the guy is only taking, because in most cases, both partners are in it for what they can gain, and what they put into it is mainly for what they can get out of it.

 

An affair is not the answer. While you may actually get one that gives to you, it will only be temporary.

 

What is needed is a sit down talk with your husband. This could be the two of you or through MC. The results may shock you. He may actually have a lot of feelings bottled up inside that he does not feel he can share. He may feel less of a man because of his many illnesses. He may wish he could give to you. There may be a lot that he wishes to tell you. But by doing so, he is afraid that he will appear weak and vulnerable. He probably knows your frustrated with him and feels helpless to change you. He may have realized that someone has stepped in your life, but he does not blame you as he is an invalid.

 

Yet the ironic thing is...some woman may come along and find in him what you found in the past. Then he suddenly feels alive again despite his problems.

 

Let the two of you at least try to discover one another before you bail out of the marriage. The key is to sit down and talk.

[LakesideDream]

Heather. Sounds like you are tired of everything in your life and have already "checked out". None of us can be inside you feeling what you are. But... most of us have gone through something very similar.

 

Stolen kisses and walk on the beach fantasies are providing you with an hours respite here and there from what you consider a one way, no way out situation. It's not a suprise to me that you are holding on so dearly to those momentary breaks from your lifes reality.

 

You seem to be at a fork in the road. When your crush starts making love to you (whether it's just sex for him or not) your attitude is going to change markedly. It's amazing the changes that penetration, and orgasms shared bring about. The endorphines, and hormones flow again, you become giddy and "in love" with all of it. The stolen moments, sexy emails and hidden gifts become a reason to live........... and to begin to deceive your family in earnest. That first spasm streaking through your loins has the power to destroy everything that's gone before it, it's a force you may not be able to overcome. Is that what you want?

 

Seriously, ask yourself if it's what you want. If you are not prepared to throw your family away, undo the good your marriage has created, become just another of us quietly desperate souls, take stock. It's not to late to take the other fork in the road. The fork that's depressing and all to familiar to you right now.

 

Think, think, think. Make sure you are fully aware of the consequences of your actions before you blunder blindly into the unknown.

[2sure]

Hi. Just wanted to add one thought.

 

I understand you are burned out on your husband and your marriage - possibly for good. You need big change. You like the distraction and the attention from OM. You miss having friends , something that is just yours.

I get all that, and dont judge you, or blame you. Obviously your marriage is in trouble, you are not happy - something has got to give.

 

OM sounds like he is basically happy with his wife, but likes the idea of or the distraction of...an affair. Now, this is his decision even if a poor one. If it werent with you, it may be with someone else - I get that too.

 

You don't need any more negative in your life, thats for sure. What you are participating in and even hoping for...is inflicting the worst kind of negative on OM wife. Dont be a part of it. The Karma train rolls on.