I fell in love with a separated man who went back to his wife

[ss5725]

Hi, I dated a man who was seperated from his wife for 7 months before I met him. I really believed he was done and moving on with his life, his wife had an affair and continued seeing the OM even after the affair was discovered. To make a long story short, she decided she wanted him back when she found out he was dating me, and supposedly cut off all contact with the OM. She was extremely aggressive chasing him around, calling him, and even getting their daughter to call him when he was out with me. It was more than I could handle, but I truly had developed deep feelings for him, and it was the one of the hardest things I have ever done to end it with him.

 

He since has reconciled with his wife, and I guess what I am wondering and wanting input on is whether they will end up divorced, and if he does call me again (I have had absolutely no contact with him) if I should get involved with him again. It really hurt that he would attempt a reconciliation with this woman who flaunted her affair in his face, stalked him all over town, and used her own daughter to try and keep him. I'm still in love with this man, but embarrassed that I was involved in his whole drama. The fact that he would even go back to her makes me feel like he may have used me to get her jealous. Any feedback would be appreciated.

[signedin2008]

He was/is not yours to lose. He is married and what his wife does to him is their business. You should get get involved with a married man. As long as he is married, or the divorce is pending, he is not available or single.

 

Now, learn your lesson and move on.

[Karma101]

He was/is not yours to lose. He is married and what his wife does to him is their business. You should get get involved with a married man. As long as he is married, or the divorce is pending, he is not available or single.

 

Now, learn your lesson and move on.

 

Totally harsh and uncalled for. To the OP, you will find that people here have very different views on what constitutes an "affair". As far as I am concerned (and YES, I have been married), being technically married, but legally separated and OPENLY dating is not an affair. It is not secretive.

 

You should move or re-post this topic in the "Other Man / Other Woman" forum. You'll find ME (and many others) there with my own dilemia very similar to yours with the exception that I dated him for 10 months... Yes, I OPENLY dated a separated man who believed he was going to be divorced before his CHEATING wife decided she wanted to reconcile. And yes, she knew he was dating someone else, which I'm sure put a bit of fire under her feet to screw her flippin head back on straight and decide she wanted to dump her own BF and work on her marriage!

[PWSX3]

Just like Karma suggested each person sees a marriage/separation different. For me the stbxw & I separated with the intention of getting back together which we did for a year & now she has moved out again for good she says.

 

So for "me" I didn't date per say because I was still married. Now the reason I say; per say is because I still have female friends that I would go out & do things such as bike rides, lunch at noon, etc. but some people say if you are out with the opposite sex in a situation you can talk intimately then it is a date.

 

Now that I am separated I still don't plan on dating until the divorce papers are final so that is just me. I am married until then even if we are not living together.

 

Even if there marriage doesn't work I feel there is a lot of healing & grieving he will need to do before getting into another relationship, if you start dating him it will be a rebound relationship & they don't usually turn out to well.

 

Sure it hurt because you had feelings for this person, but I feel it might be best to move on.

[Karma101]

I will say that I will never date a separated man again. There is too much to chance. Reconciliation, as you and I have both found out, is a very real possibility. It doesn't matter whether their attempt at reconciliation is for the right reasons or the wrong reasons, it is "their" reasons. It may work, it may not. Statistics say probably not.

 

And I agree with PWSX3. Even had my xBF actually divorced, I realize now that he would have still been very much emotionally married to his XW. I would still have been his 2nd choice. Sometimes I forget that I deserve better than this!

[Touche]

SS, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Obviously I don't agree with some of the posts here since I met my husband only a few days after my legal separation.

 

We were LEGALLY required to separate before we could divorce. As far as we were both concerned we were free and no longer married. I know other people don't think that way.

 

I think in most cases a separation really doesn't lead back to a reconciliation. In your guy's case looks like it did. Trust me on this though, it will end in disaster.

 

Second chances almost never, ever work out.

 

Would I go back to him? NO WAY! You'd be a fool. If he didn't choose you the first time as his number one, forget it. You deserve better, don't you?

 

Are you a goddess or a doormat?

 

Good luck, dear.

[Lookingforward]

He was/is not yours to lose. He is married and what his wife does to him is their business. You should get get involved with a married man. As long as he is married, or the divorce is pending, he is not available or single.

 

Now, learn your lesson and move on.

 

Which is only YOUR opinion.

[Lookingforward]

Hi, I dated a man who was seperated from his wife for 7 months before I met him. I really believed he was done and moving on with his life, his wife had an affair and continued seeing the OM even after the affair was discovered. To make a long story short, she decided she wanted him back when she found out he was dating me, and supposedly cut off all contact with the OM. She was extremely aggressive chasing him around, calling him, and even getting their daughter to call him when he was out with me. It was more than I could handle, but I truly had developed deep feelings for him, and it was the one of the hardest things I have ever done to end it with him.

 

He since has reconciled with his wife, and I guess what I am wondering and wanting input on is whether they will end up divorced, and if he does call me again (I have had absolutely no contact with him) if I should get involved with him again. It really hurt that he would attempt a reconciliation with this woman who flaunted her affair in his face, stalked him all over town, and used her own daughter to try and keep him. I'm still in love with this man, but embarrassed that I was involved in his whole drama. The fact that he would even go back to her makes me feel like he may have used me to get her jealous. Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

SS.. for what it's worth they say the stats show only 31% of marriages successfully reconcile after infidelity, but do you really want to wait?

 

And even if they do end up divorced and he came back to try again with you, could you ever truly trust him with your heart again?

 

Some things, once broken, can never be fixed.

 

It IS surprising (or was) how many of the left behind spouses don't seem to want them back until someone new shows up = )

[Touche]

Which is only YOUR opinion.

 

I agree. When I was separated I considered myself no longer married (even though I legally still was) and I considered myself very much available...even if I wasn't all that eager to get involved again.

 

So this kind of attitude kind of confuses me:

 

He was/is not yours to lose. He is married and what his wife does to him is their business. You should get get involved with a married man. As long as he is married, or the divorce is pending, he is not available or single.

 

Now, learn your lesson and move on.

 

As far as I was concerned, once we separated and were no longer living together, we WERE both single and available. He was no longer mine to lose and I was no longer his to lose. We became free agents just waiting for the "legal" separation time to pass.

 

As long as two people are no longer living together all is fair game in my book.

[pelicanpreacher]

Sour grapes aside, I'd say that dating someone fresh out of a marriage or a LTR is too risky on its face to seriously entertain for you're often dealing with an individual who's too emotionally broken to be ready for a true relationship. The "rebound" relationship is often doomed to fail if for no other reason than the individual is entering the relationship from an emotionally low and confused state borne by desperation instead of one from where they can calmly and logically assess everything from a position of strength and clarity.

 

When the fog and pain of loss truly lifts and the bereaved see more clearly and feel their oats again they often want to sort themselves out and explore a bit so may not want to enjoin themselves to anyone for a good period of time. If they've found themselves prematurely committed to a new relationship they shouldn't have started to begin with they can't be motivated enough to sustain it once the initial bond of neediness borne by insecurity dissipates and thus, the future falls apart.

 

Seperation, legal seperation, and formal seperation are all just semantics. What one should be looking for is the tipping point of the individual's detachment from their previous relationship that indicates that they're truly over their ex and happy to move on. Then, and only then, is it safe to get into the water!

[mental_traveller]

I don't see the issue here - forget him and move on, he's proven himself unsuitable.

 

In future, be careful dating people just out of lengthy relationships. If they were married and now separated, make them get a proper divorce before sleeping with them or getting serious.

[Karma101]

ss5725:

 

How long ago did your relationship end? Is he back in the house with her yet?

[ss5725]

For those who care, no I didn't sleep with him, but we were emotionally and physically intimate. My relationship ended with him almost 2 months ago, and yes, he allegedly is back home. I don't know this for a fact, I didn't know he reconciled with her until I saw them out together, and I couldn't breath I was so stunned. That night he emailed me to tell me how sorry he was that I had to find out that way, blah, blah, blah. I live in a small town, and yes, I did the drive-bys the first week, and he was there most of the time. I stopped myself from doing any more, and realize that this just has to run it's course. I don't need anyone to tell me that I shouldn't have gotten involved with a "married" man, duh, you think? This is about the pain of letting myself love someone who wasn't "really" done. It sucks.

[Karma101]

Ouch, sorry to hear that you had to actually see them out together to learn that they were reconciling. I'm sure that was beyond hard. You sound strong, which inspires me in my own situation. People will say you should never have gotten involved with a man who is not yet divorced, but the pain is still real. Very real.

[dgiirl]

I wont say that you shouldn't have got involved with a "married" man, because if he was truly separated and knew in his heart things were over, than he's already emotionally divorced. He did you injustice by getting involved with you when clearly he wasnt over his ex.

 

However, I will say you probably should have guarded your heart more when getting involved with someone who hasnt had enough time on their own post-breakup. 7 months is not that much time if he's exiting a long term relationship (whether it's marriage or other). I'm not saying the relationship would never have worked. I just think you should have prepared yourself for the possibility that your relationship would have been just a rebound.

 

Now that you know he is back with his wife, will you leave him alone?

[julkat]

I lived with a man for 10 months many years ago. He had been separated for many months when I met him. He was truly the love of my life and I am so glad to have experienced that depth of feeling.

 

One Thanksgiving he took an english trifle he had made to his ex's mom's place so his children could continue the tradition of trifle at Thanksgiving. He didn't come home that night.

 

When he did call, he told me that he and his ex had reconciled and he would return during the week for his stuff. When I bumped into them accidentally about a month later her very pregnant belly told me that he had been playing for a while.

 

I was devastated. I ate very little and lost about 30 lbs. I cried for a month and felt my heart breaking open in my chest. There were times I cried so hard I could barely breathe. Then I got really angry about being stuck with a 4 bedroom home, all the bills, and the feeling that I had been used in many ways. Then I got over it, moved on, and can now barely remember his last name.

 

Life's funny like that.

 

Good luck - time does heal.