goldencloud Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 so im not sure who read my old post,but ive been dating this guy for like 3 weeks. my grandma is in town for the weekend so naturally i'm spending time with her...however just a few mins ago my best friend calls me from a nightclub(she had another friend along too) and said she was thinking of calling the guy im dating to join them but just wanted to make sure it was okay with me i said uh no it'd be a bit weird cos im not there u guys was i unreasonable? or is it a bit odd for her to invite a guy im dating(for 3 weeks only...she's only met him like twice)
silverbeamer Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Yep- I'm going to have to side with you... unless she met him the same day you did or knew him from before. IF she only met him after you brought him around a few times that is so not cool for her to do. While guys have a 'guy code' us chicks need to stick together and develop our own 'girl code' and that definitely goes against it. IMO- it's so much better that you told her the truth about you not wanting her to call him upfront. If you hadn't been honest about it you'd risk losing your girlfriend and the guy you're dating all in one night. A true friend will respect your wishes and won't cause any probs between you and your guy.
Author goldencloud Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 yeah exactly...thanks for agreeing. i was starting to worry that maybe i was being unreasonable in a way...i just think its far too early for the friends/maybe soon to be bf to be mingling...especially in a nightclub...like trust between me and him isnt 100 percent yet so i guess i shoudlnt worry for being so upfront with her?? it's so odd tho that she ask...maybe cos he is alot of fun to go out with(he's taken us all out once)..but stillllllllll...i WAS there!! so im not being crazy jealous unreasonable?!
prettybaby Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 lol you're brave. I'd say you did the right thing.
silverbeamer Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Totally the right thing to do. Anyway- if they were going to hang out then you'd be worried about them the whole time and wouldn't enjoy seeing your grandmother. Once you and the guy have a relationship established where you've had 'the talk' about not seeing anyone else then I think it'd be ok for your girl and him to hang out... in a group. Never one on one... that's just asking for trouble especially is alcohol is involved and if they are both attractive people... I'm just sayin'...
Author goldencloud Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 you guys are totally right, im just quite bothered as to why she'd ask such a foolish question?! she's a bit of an attention seeker...that much im confirmed on..actually a HUGE attention seeker! she obviously knew it wasn't right cos she called for comfirmation! why do i feel so nervous??is it bad i don't trust him enough?!
silverbeamer Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Why would you trust him? The two of you have only known each other for a short time and you aren't exclusive. Sure it would suck if you heard that he went out with another girl, say tomorrow... but he can and you could go out with some guy tomorrow too. You are just getting to know each other and you don't have any 'right' (again only IMO) to be jealous or mad or worried about it. Once you establish that you are a couple and that you want to only be with each other then you should begin to trust him.
Island Girl Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 No friend of mine would ever dream of calling anyone I was dating to hang out with her -- in a group or not. It gives the opportunity for shared experiences and closeness that you are not a part of. My friends would consider that disrespectful to me -- as would I. And if the roles were reversed I wouldn't call their guys either. Be careful with that "friend" and your men as there is a boundary issue there.
You'reasian Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 No friend of mine would ever dream of calling anyone I was dating to hang out with her -- in a group or not. It gives the opportunity for shared experiences and closeness that you are not a part of. My friends would consider that disrespectful to me -- as would I. And if the roles were reversed I wouldn't call their guys either. Be careful with that "friend" and your men as there is a boundary issue there. Nice post, Island girl.
Kamille Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I agree it is weird she wants to hang out with a guy you're seeing, but let's give your friend credit: she did check in and ask before going ahead with it. I agree it's a good thing you were honest.
EYECANDY000 Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 i cant believe she even had the nerve to ask. To me it sounds like she is interested in him. Because she is at a club where shes surrounded by guys. So what other reason would she have , than to bring a guy you are dating! I would watch her!!
Author goldencloud Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 she called me earlier today, several times actually(i was sleeping)...i picked up and the first thing she did was apologise for it, i told her don't worry about it...didnt wanna make to much of a drama,but at the same time im gonna be more alert..and she did seem to mention him an awful lot today!hmmmmmmmm haha...ill give her benefit of doubt! thanks so much u guys:laugh:
brandylou Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I don't think it's a good idea for your friend to do that this soon into ya'lls relationship. Reason 1.. girls can't be trusted...and Reason 2.. you may not know the guy well enough to know if he can be trusted with your girlfriends. She should respect your choice though..whatever that is.
Author goldencloud Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 you guys, for some reason i have uneasy feelings...he used to call me/txt me quite often, and now whenever i txt , he takes several hours to reply...he used to call me twice a day, now he takes longer..i know maybe its silly but i do have some bizarre uneasy feeling that i can't account for..! have any of u had an uneasy feeling about a seemingly amazing guy but turned out he was a jerk? or am i imagining things? i jsut sent him a txt an hour back...still no response!
Author goldencloud Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 also he wrote twice on her myspace wall(she wished him happy bday) and nothing on me...tho he did call me later, but im sure he had to considering i called me the evening before and txted him as well... what should i do? please help. i really like the guy but i fear these uneasy feelings...
Island Girl Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 also he wrote twice on her myspace wall(she wished him happy bday) and nothing on me...tho he did call me later, but im sure he had to considering i called me the evening before and txted him as well... what should i do? please help. i really like the guy but i fear these uneasy feelings... She wrote him on his MySpace and wished him a happy bday? This girl only knows him through you and you dating him, correct? If so, to me, this is extending contact for her own gain - disrespectful to you and speaks volumes about boundary issues when it comes to other peoples relationships. Her friends boyfriends should be left alone unless in a group setting where YOU are present. She should not be trying to establish her own separate relationship as it seems she is doing. There is NO reason for it unless she is interested in him. And it seems to me she is. He has behaved inappropriately as well but there is a gray area where he could be trying to be friendly to your friends because of you...we all know how friends can influence relationships and he could be trying to keep the feelings going in a positive direction. So he can't be faulted at this point. But she can. I really think this girl is not your friend in the true sense of the word and would stomp on you and your feelings if she got clear signals from him that he is interested. What a TOTAL B*tch! Doing anything that would cause a "friend" to be less secure in a budding relationship is entirely selfish and backstabbing. I'd back peddle the "friendship" with her - and get with your guy pronto to remind him of who he has as girlfriend in YOU. Once you are in the midst of a good evening or conversation you can then have a hypothetical conversation about boundaries and relationships and how he would view a friend who reached out to someone he was dating -- how would he feel, etc. Do not put out too many details -- just what would he think the motives were if one of his friends repeatedly privately contacted a girl he was dating and let it go from there. If he is honest he'll tell you it would upset him and he wouldn't consider that guy a friend. He may even tell you he'd kick the guys ass. Which would be appropriate. You can then have a discussion about people who would do something like that and how they are not trustworthy, hurt whoever to get what they want, etc. (because they WILL) which will cast her in a disparaging light.
Author goldencloud Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 goshh, this is the most amazing advice!!i totally agree with u!! i think she is one of those ppl who lives on attention as well the thing is i just dont know what to do with him? i dont wanna hunt him down, cos i dont want him to take me for granted, and maybe in some ways he is...how do i regain my standing here? he's been idealistically great so far, taking me out, taking my friends out, calling me etc but the last week i feel a slight...shift! and why on earth would he write on her wall?!..not ONCE but twice?! i wished him too on his wall, where is MY reply?! Should i ignore him? he's pretty perceptive...
Island Girl Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I wouldn't ignore him and leave the "attention whore door open" for HER to swoop in and fill the void! Behave as you normally would. Are you at a point where you call each other? If so then give him a call and set up plans for a movie or dinner -- something. If he is the one who initiates contact what has his pattern been lately? You said you have noticed a shift, what is that shift exactly? He may think his call to you is more of a reply than a MySpace posting. What has he been up to this weekend? Why haven't the two of you spent time together? And no more taking the friends out - for sure - at least THAT particular girl. She needs to be shunned. If you have friends in common, watch talking about what exactly happened to your friendship with her. But you may use this to guage your other friends and find out if they are like-minded with you about boundaries. Those are the friends to hang on to. really you just need to spend some time having a GREAT time with him. Wear your sexiest outfit, laugh a lot, chat a lot, and make sure he has a fantastic time with you. Leave him wanting more and he'll be chasing all over again.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 lol women...cmon, your friend is sooooo transparent. i feel for you though you are in quite a toxic situation!
Author goldencloud Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Island girl, i just took your advice and called him up! generally he does all the calling...he sounded pretty happy to hear from me(even tho i woke him up lol)...and we made plans for this week !! i should stop being such a defeatist! reason i didnt see him this weekend was cos my grandma was in town the slight shift ive noticed has been in the past few days..like he takes longer to reply msges etc..but it has been his bday weekened and i told him on the phone wish i had been there for ur bday, and he said let's blame your grandma lol and calledme sweety as he said bye so u think the issue is her not him?
Author goldencloud Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 i know commitmentphone she is supposed to be my best friend of 10 yrs..so its hard to imagien that she might have motives etc...and i dont even know how to bring it up..i know she is in bad time now cos broke up with her fiance of 3 years..but still...she seems to want every man's attention on her and is upset she isn't really getting it i dont want to seem like im some jealous scheming person who doesnt want her to come out with me..cos she's kind of jealous of times i spent with him(she loves his social life/crowd) everytime she calls she asks how things are, and when next he is gonna go out and i have to make sure she comes alonge its real awkward cos on one hand it's like BOUNDARIES on the other i dont think she sees them at all!!!!
Island Girl Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 She is a major issue but the track needs to be set so he doesn't become an issue as well. As one poster said - her motives are pretty transparent and who knows if he picked up on it (you said he is pretty perceptive). If he did the little talk about boundaries and friends contacting should help. If he tries to play it off or say he wouldn't care about a friend contacting his girl, he is justifying her behavior for his own gain, and then you'll know he is at least mentally entertaining the idea of getting together with the Attention Whore Slut. But this conversation needs to be in the middle of a great evening I can not stress that enough. Do not get ahead of yourself and try to tackle it over the phone or text, etc. There is too much danger of a misperception on either side causing more problems.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 i know commitmentphone she is supposed to be my best friend of 10 yrs..so its hard to imagien that she might have motives etc...and i dont even know how to bring it up..i know she is in bad time now cos broke up with her fiance of 3 years..but still...she seems to want every man's attention on her and is upset she isn't really getting it i dont want to seem like im some jealous scheming person who doesnt want her to come out with me..cos she's kind of jealous of times i spent with him(she loves his social life/crowd) everytime she calls she asks how things are, and when next he is gonna go out and i have to make sure she comes alonge its real awkward cos on one hand it's like BOUNDARIES on the other i dont think she sees them at all!!!! I hear you Bought the T-shirt on this one. I've been the guy the women have fallen out over and I've been the guy punching a mate for having a crack at a woman I was with. Yes it sucks... but you can only live by your own code unfortunately and only hope others to do the same. But let me tell you something I've experienced.... whenever I've been out with someone and there's been quite a few, there's always a jealous friend, or someone sailing rather close to the wind on the flirting on both sides of the coin. You HAVE to trust the person you are seeing.
Island Girl Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 everytime she calls she asks how things are, and when next he is gonna go out and i have to make sure she comes along No you don't. You absolutely do not HAVE to bring her along. Did you go everywhere with she and her fiance? There is a reason they call it the "third wheel". You need to stop confiding in her about your relationship, definitely stop talking to her about him (a simple "he's fine" will have to suffice) and it is up to YOU to set boundaries. If it were me I would tell her that her asking if she could call him to go out with her in a group or not was inappropriate and disrespectful to you. That she really did some damage to your trust in her. Friend for 10 years or not she is not a friend right now or should never have been considered a friend. Sorry it is harsh but true. That is not a woman I'd want anywhere near my life. Ever.
Author goldencloud Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 you guys, thanks sososos much! you advice has been of momentous value to me!! wednesday-in the midst of planned great evening, ill bring it up and see what he says..of course all in a 'casual' way! has something like this happened to anyone else? and if yes, how did u handle it??
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