Bells Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 There are total creeps out there. I've dealt with a few, and I can tell you those situations ARE scary. If that weirdo had given her his name when she asked for it, the situation wouldn't be all awkward now. She did not recognize him and was clearly creeped out. Anybody in their right mind would have at least identified themselves the second she made it clear that this whole thing was making her very uncomfortable. Even if he isn't a stalker, but a long lost friend who was trying to be playful: he miserably failed and sucks at it. Which wouldn't make me wanna date him anyway. His performance is not an issue here. She's just a paranoid person who needs to lighten up a bit. <shrug> I probably would have identified myself if pressed for it....and probably would have thought "Eh, forget it, she's no fun" and cancelled the rendezvous
Bells Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 James M always asks too much of people. Chances are this was someone you actually like. He was playing a dumb game for sure, but you responded to him as if he was psychotic. Maybe it wasn't funny. But you should have at least found out who it was before you decided how to respond. Good point, I wonder if he did identify himself (after she pressed for it)...if he'd STILL be labeled as "creepy" or "Stalker".
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Yeah - my opinion of interpersonal humor is that a joke isn't funny if it excludes someone in the group. If it's at that person's expense, then it's not funny - certainly not to them, at least. A "prank" or "adventure" or whatever you call it is similar. What purpose is served by intentionally creating DISCOMFORT with no reassurance or release. It's possible to create tension and adventure but still associate them with safety and reassurance. Especially in a situation where he is still anonymous, where you are uncomfortable, and he is apparently enjoying that? At the very minimum, this is highly insensitive of him. He's serving his own need for titillation and tension, at the expense of keeping you hanging in discomfort. Do any of these add up to someone that you might like to have dinner with? True, true. I would not be happy if someone was playing with me like that. And what does this guy expect? That you would drop everything and meet you for dinner not knowing who it was? You might see him in the restaurant and walk out! Personally, I think he should have told you his name after the initial contact. He could have joked with you on the first call, but after you asked who it was, he should have said, "It's Steve, are you surprised to hear from me?" Even that is a pretty weird. But here is the part that I am especially uncomfortable with. When you said at the end that you wanted no part of this game, he turns it on you. Like Ok Star, you can't take a joke, I don't want to go out with you anymore. Why can't you take a joke? Or why are you rejecting me? I just reeeeeeeaaaaallllyy don't like that at all.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 But you should have at least found out who it was before you decided how to respond. Maybe he should have told her who it was! After all that he still did not identify himself! Weird! And for all of you saying this is the reason she is still single, can it. Just because some of us are single doesn't mean we have to date every person who is attracted to us. Sorry, I have a sense of adventure myself, but this is just weird. She wasn't comfortable with the original joke. He should have figured that out and stopped playing this stupid game.
johan Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Maybe he should have told her who it was! After all that he still did not identify himself! Weird! No argument here. It's just an example of how poorly people can communicate.
Lovegod Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 What a terrible delivery. I had to find out the hard way that women don't like not knowing who they're talking to, especially when they're being invited out somewhere. He's likely somebody you know, but he doesn't have a clue on how to ask out a woman. He probably got your number from one of your friends who said "oh, you should give it a shot and ask her out, you might be surprised!" Men think it's playful when they don't identify themselves. After all, I would have LOVED getting a phone call like that from a woman. However, it's not exciting for the woman. Instead, It's quite creepy.
Citizen Erased Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Creepy and weird, how strange this guy is. Probably thought he was being charming, doubt he thinks that now.
Vertex Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I think if she had "played along" long enough and pressed for it, he would have identified himself or at least given some sort of strong hint to ponder. The way that she handled the conversation though made it pretty clear that she wasn't amused. At that point, I think the guy realized he had made an incorrect judgment call and decided to just drop it. I'm not surprised that he didn't identify himself after she basically called the entire attempt "childish." But I mean, you have to be real sometimes. Odds are he isn't some psycho killer-stalker. He's probably someone you know, and he was probably just trying to get you interested. I mean, whether or not being playful in that way is your cup of tea is up to you, obviously. But I think many elements of flirting/chivalry/playing could be defined as "childish" depending on interpretation. Not identifying yourself might fall into the hazy/creepy region, so I don't think either of you did anything wrong, per se. You guys just approached the situation differently and have different senses of humor/adventure/whatever.
Shygirl15 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 My next move? Call him back, find out who he is, insult him, hang up on him.
allina Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 You guys are insanely paranoid! This is probably someone Star knows AND likes. He was probably trying to have some fun and didn't realize Star would have no clue who he was. When she reacted like she did he was a little hurt and shocked so he went along with it.
Bells Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 You guys are insanely paranoid! This is probably someone Star knows AND likes. He was probably trying to have some fun and didn't realize Star would have no clue who he was. When she reacted like she did he was a little hurt and shocked so he went along with it. Yeah, some single women do that....when they actually liked the attention, but verbally say they don't like it. I see that happens alot.
Shygirl15 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 You guys are insanely paranoid! This is probably someone Star knows AND likes. He was probably trying to have some fun and didn't realize Star would have no clue who he was. When she reacted like she did he was a little hurt and shocked so he went along with it. Oh yeah? What a strange way of having fun that is.
allina Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Oh yeah? What a strange way of having fun that is. Ok.........? I never said it was a great or smooth idea. But flipping out and thinking the poor guy is some stalker wacko is way out there
prettybaby Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Ok.........? I never said it was a great or smooth idea. But flipping out and thinking the poor guy is some stalker wacko is way out there I don't think so. It's a creepy behavior. Whether he's a friend or not, that's not how sane people approach the opposite sex. Let's hope he learned from this mistake and moves on to better flirting techniques, because this one sucks. I don't blame her for being creeped out at all.
Bells Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I don't think so. It's a creepy behavior. Whether he's a friend or not, that's not how sane people approach the opposite sex. Let's hope he learned from this mistake and moves on to better flirting techniques, because this one sucks. I don't blame her for being creeped out at all. He made no mistake actually, it's just his method of operation, it's just your opinion that it was a mistake. This further reinforced why some women still remain single.
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 How one handles the "mistakes" of others defines part of who they are and, tangentially, how others perceive them when they inevitably err. OP, can you update us here?
prettybaby Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 He made no mistake actually, it's just his method of operation, it's just your opinion that it was a mistake. This further reinforced why some women still remain single. Lovely. Some men are creeps, some men are amazingly charming. That weirdo who called her is from the first group. And this further explains why some men still remain single ...
Bells Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 How one handles the "mistakes" of others defines part of who they are and, tangentially, how others perceive them when they inevitably err. OP, can you update us here? Perhaps we could all just write it off as a compatibility issue?
Shygirl15 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 He made no mistake actually, it's just his method of operation, it's just your opinion that it was a mistake. This further reinforced why some women still remain single. Bells, do you want us to also start speculating why you're still single?
Bells Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Bells, do you want us to also start speculating why you're still single? Sure...I'm only single because they are single. Rather a paradox, actually.
BubblyPopcorn Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Ok.........? I never said it was a great or smooth idea. But flipping out and thinking the poor guy is some stalker wacko is way out there Yes Alilina but the problem in this case is that she DOESN'T know who he is. It's ironic how some of the guys think it's soooooo funny, so funny until they have a daughter of their own one day.
Meet 4 Coffee Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I agree with Shygirl. Do a *67 and see if you get his voicemail. Maybe his name is on the message. If he answers, hang up.
Lishy Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 My guess is that he knows her and was playing a guessing game thinking it would be fun! He thought wrong I guess! If it was me I would have called him!
Meet 4 Coffee Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 He took it too far, though. Plus I wouldn't want to be guessing all these guys I know to him, the names of my male friends and acquaintances/exdates are none of his business.
Trimmer Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Can I point out that nowhere has Star said she thought he was a stalker - that was just one of the possibilities she floated for discussion. She hasn't really said she was freaked out or anything, and I don't even get a clear sense from the text exchange whether she was actually truly uncomfortable or not. Clearly everybody responds differently, and that's fine. Reading back over the exchange, until the end, when she used the word "childish," I think it may be ambiguous enough that I can understand how he may have thought she was just playing along, but then bolted at the end when he realized she wasn't giving in. I think my feelings would be more clear if she had said straight out : "I'm getting uncomfortable with this, and I would like to know who you are." At that point of clarity, his reaction would have been illuminating - essentially that would have been a clear "no means no" point, in my mind. If he had continued to press the game, even knowing that it was making her uncomfortable, then I would think him to be continuing over the line. Having said all that, after knowing that he made her uncomfortable, to just disappear without finally identifying himself, even in defeat, isn't very honorable. If I screw up, I at least stand up to it.
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