Stuggling with this sh*t

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Hi everyone,

So I feel I need to finally post on this site. I’ve been coming here daily for the last 3 months or so since my breakup and have really used this site as a HUGE source of strength. Thanks to everyone trying to get their lives back!

My story, most likely like everyone else’s here sucks. Got out of a 4 yr relationship lived together for two, with a loser girlfriend. This girl was bad news from the start and I knew it. Within the first week she came trying to me because she had gotten arrested for stealing her previous boyfriends credit card and charging up $1000 worth of stuff.

 

I resisted for several months, but she basically forced this relationship on me and ended up getting me hooked. She also has what is now a 10 yr old daughter who was just the best kid ever and I became so attached to the child, possibly more than the mother.

I had vaguely known about the mother for several years before we dated.

 

There were many horror stories that had circulated about her (thief, cheater, uhm “loose morals”, etc…), but I, of course wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. The stories most likely were true and I was in one of the strangest (worst?) relationships I’ve been in my life. The mother ended up being extremely verbally abusive, selfish, manipulative, untrustworthy, deceitful and the list can just go on and on… There were so many “red flags” I encountered in the beginning and through the course of the relationship that I don’t understand why I didn’t run for the hills.

 

I guess a part of me wanted to rescue her and give her daughter at least SOME stability in her life.

The only thing more troubling is that I miss her and her daughter and I should be happy as hell for dodging a bullet. Even her friends tell me that I deserve so much better than her, including her sister. Her parents even know that she has “anger problems” and she has a tough time maintaining even a semblance of a relationship with them. All of my friends new she was trouble from the start, and have been rejoicing this break up since it occurred. I should be right along with them, but I think I was just addicted to being in a relationship, and am not used to being alone in what is now a big, empty house. Some days I’m sooooo sad!

 

So she finally told me back in July that she was getting her own place and moving out. I asked her if there was someone else and she of course said no. I told her that it was probably a good idea because she didn’t appreciate anything I did for her (free rent, bills, etc…) and maybe that would change her bad attitude towards everything. Of course then a couple days later, I catch her talking smack on her phone with some new guy who had given her her “courage” to move out in the first place. The new guy is much older and is fairly successful, and she met him at the restaurant that she works at. I believe the term is “Sugar Daddy”.

 

I can already tell this post is going to get god awful long, but I’ve been on NC since she officially removed all of her things from my house (August 8th?) and she has tried to email, call, and text me about 5 times since this has all went down. The last time was an email Oct. 2nd complaining about me giving some of her things she left to a mutual friend so she wouldn’t have to come back home and get them herself, and how childish I am for going NC. I’ve been getting weak lately with Halloween coming up (due to the little girl, we used to have so much fun) and maybe I just need some support.

 

Everyone is so surprised that I miss this person because I’m smart, successful, attractive (feel pretty dumb saying that), and a person who would give a stranger the shirt off his back. I have had several girls hit on me during the past couple months, and even took a couple home, but really had a huge empty feeling the next day and have realized I need more. I need more than just a physical relationship. I want a partner.

 

So while I’m approaching 3 months of NC, it’s been only 3 weeks since she’s tried to contact me. I know I should be finished with this, but for some damn reason (the daughter?), I find it so hard to let go. I’m tempted to break NC, but I know it would be a bad idea. I don’t even know what I’m trying to hold on to. Why would I miss someone who really wasn’t kind to me?

Help… And sorry this got to be so long.

HPD

[SRV]

You seem like you have a kind heart, as the saying always goes - "The good looks will get you in the castle, what keeps you there is character", which from reading your post seems that you have.

Its best to stay away totally, cherish the moments that you spent with her daughter. Use that as a learning experience when you finally one day get blessed with your own. I would maintain and avoid all contact, but during the holidays and the girl's birthday it would not hurt if you felt compelled to send a gift or a card, which some might argue is breaking NC.

Good luck to you mate!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Thanks for the kind words SRV. I hear you with the b-day, xmas stuff and sending the daughter a card or gift, but I don't know if I can or should do it. One, because I don't know how much I would confuse the little girl (I think she's had 5 different father figures in her 10 years on earth, wow...) and two, I would pretty much guarantee that would bring the ex out of her dormant state and she'd try to make some sort of contact again. I'm frightened about what this revolving door of dudes is going to do to this little girl. Holy cow man, you can't tell me that all this isn't going to impact her in the future.

HPD

[BlueDog]

As someone who remembers what it was like to be the little girl 20 years ago... you're right, I wouldn't advise sending her a gift or card if she has already had to cope with 5 different 'dads', because she herself will be healing from losing you as her 'dad' and contact might open some of those wounds back up. I do think that the experience of having known a stable, emotionally mature adult male will stand her in good stead in the future despite the fact that his relationship with her mom did not work out.

[CaliGuy]

Amigo, there isn't much I can add that your ex's friends and family has not already told you. The unfortunate aftermath of break ups with someone who has children is your attachment to those kids. The child is young and impressionable. She will miss you but she'll be OK. I know that you're suffering from the loss and you're well aware the red flags were there.

 

The only piece of advice I can give you is that you alone are responsible for your wants, needs and happiness. You need to maintain NC and stick to your guns. You know this woman is poison for you and that you deserve better. Stick to that knowledge as best you can and remember that this will turn out to be a blessing for you when you meet Ms. Right.

 

Art Critic has a tag line that says it all. One day you will meet the right person for you and wonder what you ever saw in your ex.

 

I have a standard that I used to heal and I think it works for most everyone.

 

1. Strict NC with the ex. Make it a boundary that she never talk to you again.

2. Get to the gym, at least 3 days a week and bust out some cardio and weights. It's a well known fact that exercise helps stave off depression. Think "endorphins".

3. Start investing your time in new hobbies. Attack some fears in your life (Sky diving, Scuba diving, rock climbing, etc). One of the best ways to rebuild confidence is to face your fears head on. I raced motorcycles, which was a huge fear and the confidence boost has been invaluable to me.

4. Work on yourself. You need to spend time figuring out how you allowed yourself to get into this mess. One of the best books I have found for rebuilding confidence and self-esteem in men is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). I highly suggest you read the book.

5. Hang out with friends as often as possible. Don't lock yourself up in the house. Depression is a never ending pit of despair that feeds on itself. If you don't force yourself to get out and be in the company of friends, it will delay your healing.

6. Write a long list of your ex's negative qualities and post it somewhere easily accessible when you get the urge to contact her or miss her. This has worked wonders for me.

7. As stupid as this sounds, go buy World of Warcraft. It's a highly addictive game so play sparingly. If anything, this silly game has worked every single time to take my mind off of the ex when I started to miss her. I don't play nearly as much as I used to (mainly, I like Player vs Player and beating up on kids, ROFL!).

8. I do suggest talking to a professional Counselor as they will be able to pinpoint areas of your life you need to focus on and help you with the processes and goals to get there.

 

Hope this helps. Above all, never for one second think you aren't worthy. You just picked a bad apple. We all do it from time to time. Forgive yourself for this mistake, learn from it and move forward. You will let life pass you by if you stare in the rear view mirror (reflecting too much on the past). Always forward, never back.

 

Cheers.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Amigo, there isn't much I can add that your ex's friends and family has not already told you. The unfortunate aftermath of break ups with someone who has children is your attachment to those kids. The child is young and impressionable. She will miss you but she'll be OK. I know that you're suffering from the loss and you're well aware the red flags were there.

 

The only piece of advice I can give you is that you alone are responsible for your wants, needs and happiness. You need to maintain NC and stick to your guns. You know this woman is poison for you and that you deserve better. Stick to that knowledge as best you can and remember that this will turn out to be a blessing for you when you meet Ms. Right.

 

Art Critic has a tag line that says it all. One day you will meet the right person for you and wonder what you ever saw in your ex.

 

I have a standard that I used to heal and I think it works for most everyone.

 

1. Strict NC with the ex. Make it a boundary that she never talk to you again.

2. Get to the gym, at least 3 days a week and bust out some cardio and weights. It's a well known fact that exercise helps stave off depression. Think "endorphins".

3. Start investing your time in new hobbies. Attack some fears in your life (Sky diving, Scuba diving, rock climbing, etc). One of the best ways to rebuild confidence is to face your fears head on. I raced motorcycles, which was a huge fear and the confidence boost has been invaluable to me.

4. Work on yourself. You need to spend time figuring out how you allowed yourself to get into this mess. One of the best books I have found for rebuilding confidence and self-esteem in men is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). I highly suggest you read the book.

5. Hang out with friends as often as possible. Don't lock yourself up in the house. Depression is a never ending pit of despair that feeds on itself. If you don't force yourself to get out and be in the company of friends, it will delay your healing.

6. Write a long list of your ex's negative qualities and post it somewhere easily accessible when you get the urge to contact her or miss her. This has worked wonders for me.

7. As stupid as this sounds, go buy World of Warcraft. It's a highly addictive game so play sparingly. If anything, this silly game has worked every single time to take my mind off of the ex when I started to miss her. I don't play nearly as much as I used to (mainly, I like Player vs Player and beating up on kids, ROFL!).

8. I do suggest talking to a professional Counselor as they will be able to pinpoint areas of your life you need to focus on and help you with the processes and goals to get there.

 

Hope this helps. Above all, never for one second think you aren't worthy. You just picked a bad apple. We all do it from time to time. Forgive yourself for this mistake, learn from it and move forward. You will let life pass you by if you stare in the rear view mirror (reflecting too much on the past). Always forward, never back.

 

Cheers.

Thanks for the advice Cali. I've seen/read alot of your posts/advice on this forum and can say that you are spot on with everything I've seen you post. I printed out your No Contact Guide when I first started going through all this and read it regularly when I start slippin. Thanks for taking the time and throwing some my way. Again you have some good stuff here.

 

Sh*t man, I couldn't have seen more red flags if I was sitting in the middle of Moscow. I have never had so many people ask me what I was doing with her, or watch out, etc, etc. It's funny how they can start out so unbelievably sweet (honeymoon phase). I've never experienced anything like it.

 

You know, I always used to say "never date a chick with kids" because I always thought it would be a drag, extra responsibility, limit me socially, etc... but now maybe I can still say it, but for the exact OPPOSITE reason I originally thought going into it. You think a person gets attached to a dog, cat, whatever? Try a real mini human and see what that does to you, even if it's not "technically" yours! Hardest thing EVER. Keep this in mind for your own situations ladies and gentlemen! It's like breaking up with two people at the same time, and one of them is super awesome and doesn't want to go!

 

I've seen you refer to that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book a couple different times now and it's probably time I look into that. It couldn't hurt I'm sure. It's funny how a person gets into a situation like mine. In my case, It was because she started out so sweet and repentive for what she may have done in the past, but slowly and surely, after the honeymoon phase, her true colors gradually work their way out into full view. Those spots are still the same on that leopard!

 

I have taken much of the other suggestions to heart and have followed through with many of them as well. I've thought about the counselor thing, but for some stupid reason, am afraid of the stigma of going. Foolish, foolish reason I know. Maybe I should consider it.

 

I do hope that you and several others here though realize all the good that you all do. Just having a "stranger" take the time to try and help pull someone out of a rut you are in because they may have been there themself is invaluable. Kind of restores a little faith in humanity.

 

HPD

[CaliGuy]

Thanks for the advice Cali. I've seen/read alot of your posts/advice on this forum and can say that you are spot on with everything I've seen you post. I printed out your No Contact Guide when I first started going through all this and read it regularly when I start slippin. Thanks for taking the time and throwing some my way. Again you have some good stuff here.

 

Sh*t man, I couldn't have seen more red flags if I was sitting in the middle of Moscow. I have never had so many people ask me what I was doing with her, or watch out, etc, etc. It's funny how they can start out so unbelievably sweet (honeymoon phase). I've never experienced anything like it.

 

You know, I always used to say "never date a chick with kids" because I always thought it would be a drag, extra responsibility, limit me socially, etc... but now maybe I can still say it, but for the exact OPPOSITE reason I originally thought going into it. You think a person gets attached to a dog, cat, whatever? Try a real mini human and see what that does to you, even if it's not "technically" yours! Hardest thing EVER. Keep this in mind for your own situations ladies and gentlemen! It's like breaking up with two people at the same time, and one of them is super awesome and doesn't want to go!

 

I've seen you refer to that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book a couple different times now and it's probably time I look into that. It couldn't hurt I'm sure. It's funny how a person gets into a situation like mine. In my case, It was because she started out so sweet and repentive for what she may have done in the past, but slowly and surely, after the honeymoon phase, her true colors gradually work their way out into full view. Those spots are still the same on that leopard!

 

I have taken much of the other suggestions to heart and have followed through with many of them as well. I've thought about the counselor thing, but for some stupid reason, am afraid of the stigma of going. Foolish, foolish reason I know. Maybe I should consider it.

 

I do hope that you and several others here though realize all the good that you all do. Just having a "stranger" take the time to try and help pull someone out of a rut you are in because they may have been there themself is invaluable. Kind of restores a little faith in humanity.

 

HPD

 

 

You're welcome man. We're all here on this planet trying to make it. All the good people here on LS are trying to do is offer help and advice. It's up to those listening to it to decide what to do with it.

 

I wish you well. Read the book. It will be an eye opener for you and will change your life for the better. You can quote me on that.

 

Cheers!