IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 This is the one thing I CANNOT tollerate from my children. Neither of them have a reason to lie to me, I don't expect them to be perfect, I don't enforce harsh or outlandish consequences. My EASY child, 11 yo boy, is the most honest, empathic child you ever want to meet. He wears his heart on his sleave so just knowing you are disappointed will put him over the edge. Generally the only consequences he receives my be an extra chore to help him "remember" his, belt, bookbag, homework, ect.. next time. Well, this AM I am going through his weekly packet, and there my little angel stands with a big grin as I gush over the 3 a's and a b on his weekly test. I sign off, and grab the book bag to put the envelop back in and WHAT DO I FIND??? 2 more tests folded up with E's. I feel horrible, I went off. I do not verbally berate my child in anger, but I lost it. I MEAN LOST IT! You would lie over 2 e's? He's crying and I'm asking do you want to be considered and liar, and noone ever believe what you have to say. I went on and on. By the time we got in the car and he is crying all the way to school, I had settled down. I'm thinking about a punishment now, not just a consequence, finally though as we got closer, I was closer to my normal self, and told him that I need him to tell his teacher what he had done and to ask her how I can know that I am getting all of the papers. She actually just called me and was incredibly nice. She talked about what he had done, and made a little form that she will staple to the tests and fill in the number of tests and is going to use it for the entire class as she feels he might not be the only one that could be doing that. She said that he had cried on and off this moring and she whispered to him to go get a drink when he felt like he was going to cry. I feel terrible about over reacting. HORRIBLE. Do you appologize?? What do you say? I over reacted? I shouldn't have hurt your feelings?? ARRRGGHHH! I don't want to make light of the lying. I can't help them if they lie to me. I don't want to teach them either that you verbally berate someone for doing something wrong.
Moose Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 You did fine. He's impressionable at this age, and what you've done is instilled the importance of always telling the Truth no matter the consequences. Just re-affirm with him, Truth consequences always weighs less that lie consequences.... Let him know it hurt his feelings, and that is actually a good sign. Also, make sure he knows you forgive him.... Tough Love....
amaysngrace Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Apologize and admit that you over reacted. Show him you're not perfect either. When my 11 year old son does poorly I always try to reinforce it with a positive. I tell him he didn't try his best. He knows it too. Maybe try to explain that you understand he was ashamed but it's no reason to lie. And go from there. You're a smart cookie. I'm sure you'll deal with it as you see fit. But I'd punish my first time offender too. At least for the weekend.
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 But I'd punish my first time offender too. At least for the weekend. I stopped short of saying that and told him that dad and I would talk about a punishment. Fall Festival is Saturday night, I haven't decided. He knows I was thinking it because he asked if he should have someone take my place in the gross out booth. No reason I can't meet MY obligation, is what I told him. Thanks guys, I just feel like CRAP for over reacting. It's the first time I can remember dreading picking him up.
Trialbyfire Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I would approach it this way: Pull him into your arms with a great big, warm hug so he feels safe and loved and keep hugging him while saying: No matter what, you realize that I'll still love you forever. You're incredibly precious to me. I'm sorry if I scared you and hurt your feelings but honesty is very important. I hope you'll always be honest with me.
amaysngrace Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Thanks guys, I just feel like CRAP for over reacting. I don't think you over reacted like I first said. I think it warrants a strong reaction. I make my kids feel bad about themselves too sometimes. I try not to do it too much but sometimes it does happen. That's why it's really important to let them know how great you think they are A LOT. And then they bring up "but how about this?" recalling something I chewed them up about and I just tell them "nobody's perfect but you're pretty darn close". At least the school day is over for him. Poor little buddy.
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 Gosh I'm glad that's over. He was still tearing up when he got in the car, said that was the hardest thing he ever had to do! Aparently, the 5th grade teacher from last year, had a talk with him too. Actually, we were able to have a very good conversation about the importance of character and integrity and reputation. He is the neighborhood dog sitter, makes a decent living for an 11 year old, but I was really able to drill home the fact that NONE of these people would give him keys to their house if they heard that he had stolen, that they wouldn't trust him to care for their pets if someone told them that he slacked off and didn't show. You could really see the wheels turning. We got home and I followed TBF's advice. I hope I have learned a little lesson here as well. Quankanne, Yep, stick your hands in the boxes and feel the brains, eyeballs ,ears ect..
Eve Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 SO glad that you have found an age appropriate way of discussing this with your baby.. Parenting is SO hard! Well done you!
Rudeger Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Well having just finished high school I wanted to add my own thoughts. If my mum had yelled at me like that my self esteem would have been completely crushed. I would probably produce more bad work. I must admit I do lie sometimes, or at least I just don't tell the whole truth. The end result is they're happy, I'm happy, life goes on. That said though I'm sure most people in the world lie. Always telling the truth is not a good thing in every situation, and can get you into even more trouble. People don't like to admit they screwed up, and the most natural instinct is to cover it up and pretend it didnt happen, while you work extra hard to improve next time.
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 Thanks for your thoughts Rudeger. I want to be able to stand up for my children in any instance, and KNOW that I can go to bat for them. If they have lied to me, then I can't KNOW that what they say is true. Here's an example. He started a summer day camp that we had never been to before. The second day I picked him up and he had his plastic bin with Bionicles. The teacher is saying those are the schools Bionlicles, he and 2 other little boys are saying NO, those are his. The teacher looked at him and said I think you are lying to me. I was able to say that MY child doesn't lie, or steal, and paid for those toys with his own money. HE looked at her and said, these are MINE, but if the school needs them, you can have them, I will buy some more. She took them:eek:! She gave them back the next day when she found HER box. I want to stand tall for my kids, I want to help them fix their mistakes when they make them, I can't do that if they lie to me. Lying to me, is FAR worse than not studying for a test!
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