give me strength

[gilly6]

first time forum poster here. I would appreciate any opinions at all regarding my situation.

For starters ive been married for nearly 19 years and have 3 kids 18, 17 and 7 years. My husband is a binge drinker, passive aggressive and i think secretly thinks women are beneath him. For years i put up with his binge drinking on weekends. Hed be out all night sometimes both night on the weekend. Wouldnt get home till the next day, maitains he was drinking with his mates!!??

I have alot of resentment due to his disrespect with his drinking. He come from a family of bingedrinkers. He would always apologize to me but then i would overhear him on the phone to his brother or friends boasting about his night out.

When we have arguements, which is often he usually says things like "listen here woman" or I earn the money" Usual chauvanistic remarks.

Has never taken an active role with his kids. When things go wrong with the kids its always because I DON"T DISCIPLINE. not him.

Holds in emotions will Never admit something is bothering him until he cant handle it anymore then goes nuts and explodes. Emotionally retarded.

I fantasise about life without him.

I like it better when he's not around.

I beleive i will be able to handle being apart financially.

Ifeel more relaxed, less stressed when hes not around.

 

So why cant I kick him out??

 

Bye the way this sounds weird but to be honest he is a nice guy. But not for my husband.

give me strength.

Advice needed urgently

[Geishawhelk]

This is a question I have a feeling I'm going to be asking more and more....

 

But...

What's your pay-off?

 

This whole relationship is an emotional disaster. you've been living on a roller-coaster of unpredictable predictability, becuse he's a drunk, always has been and awlways will be. he's also a bully and has little or no respect for either you or your children.

He seems to have absolutely no inclination whatsoever to address his issues, and indeed, probably would, if confronted head-on, deny he had any anyway.....

 

yet you're still there. Or he is, whatever.....

 

So there is something there which 'rewards' you for sticking around, and putting up with all this cr*p.

So much of it, in fact that I would suspect even your kids would say to you, "Mum, why are you with dad?"

 

But something is feeding you. Something, somewhere gives you reason. It gives you the justification and excuse for having tolerated more than anyone should....

 

Really.

Think deep, think hard.

"What benefit do I really get from still being in this relationship?

What is it here that makes me stay?

What am I getting out of this?"

 

Now don't get me wrong. It may be microscopically minute. it could be insignificantly miniscule.

it might seem trivial and inconsequential.

it could be anything as simple as "I believe he needs me."

 

It could be "It's become a habit...."

 

Find it, whatever it is.

because then - and only then - can you satisfactorily answer this question -

So why cant I kick him out??

 

Because then, once you've found it, you can face it, deal with bit, and weigh up how important it is.

 

 

THEN - kick him out.

[Lady Bird]

Look into AA and Alnon, not for your husband but for yourself. You may never be able to make him realize, accept or admit but you can gain some understanding of how an alcoholic manipulates things for themselves and how you can become/are co-dependent.

[TrustInYourself]

first time forum poster here. I would appreciate any opinions at all regarding my situation.

For starters ive been married for nearly 19 years and have 3 kids 18, 17 and 7 years. My husband is a binge drinker, passive aggressive and i think secretly thinks women are beneath him. For years i put up with his binge drinking on weekends. Hed be out all night sometimes both night on the weekend. Wouldnt get home till the next day, maitains he was drinking with his mates!!??

I have alot of resentment due to his disrespect with his drinking. He come from a family of bingedrinkers. He would always apologize to me but then i would overhear him on the phone to his brother or friends boasting about his night out.

When we have arguements, which is often he usually says things like "listen here woman" or I earn the money" Usual chauvanistic remarks.

Has never taken an active role with his kids. When things go wrong with the kids its always because I DON"T DISCIPLINE. not him.

Holds in emotions will Never admit something is bothering him until he cant handle it anymore then goes nuts and explodes. Emotionally retarded.

I fantasise about life without him.

I like it better when he's not around.

I beleive i will be able to handle being apart financially.

Ifeel more relaxed, less stressed when hes not around.

 

So why cant I kick him out??

 

Bye the way this sounds weird but to be honest he is a nice guy. But not for my husband.

give me strength.

Advice needed urgently

 

I read this post and I wonder quite a few things. I think about this from the male perspective and I feel quite a few emotions.

 

His actions could be from the complete loss of intimacy and communication and love in the marriage. I'm not excusing his behavior but if you feel trapped and out of love, he probably feels the same way.

 

You have two paths. Rebuilding your marriage from the years of neglect and pain or taking separate paths to find happiness. I wish you and your family the best.

[Owl]

There is no way to rebuild a marriage with someone suffering from an ongoing active addiction.

 

He's an alchoholic.

 

He needs treatment.

 

And there is nothing you can do to make things better until that happens.

 

So the question is simply how long are you going to tolerate the situation before you leave, or SOMETHING forces him to recognize his addiction and he gets treatment?

 

Its that simple.

[gilly6]

Thank you so much for your replies. They all make sense to me. Earlier on in the marriage when the kids were young I made every excuse about why I wouldnt leave ,just yet.

First excuse: i dont have a drivers liscense.

Got my drivers liscense, then I didnt have a job.

Got a job then, i''ll leave when the kids have started school. Theses excuses have gone on for nearly 19 years.

And yes as one of the posters suggested my kids have said "why are you with him?"

Am I in denial??

My excuse now is that his bingeing is alot less maybe once every 2 months. But i dont look forward to Christmas etc. My kids and I when he starts drinking run around the house and hide all money, credit cards ect. He can get quite nasty if he knows we've hidden them.

Another excuse he has a great sense of humour.

Another excuse he had a bad upbringing, alcoholic father emotionally distant mother etc etc.

I will read these posts over and over to give me strength.

Thank you

[gilly6]

I had to reply and say that this bingeing started way before any problems in the bedroom. When we were younger we had i very active sex life, these years were when the drinking was at its worst.

Thankyou for your best wishes and reply.

 

I read this post and I wonder quite a few things. I think about this from the male perspective and I feel quite a few emotions.

 

His actions could be from the complete loss of intimacy and communication and love in the marriage. I'm not excusing his behavior but if you feel trapped and out of love, he probably feels the same way.

 

You have two paths. Rebuilding your marriage from the years of neglect and pain or taking separate paths to find happiness. I wish you and your family the best.

[gilly6]

here iam am 3 months later still in the same unhappy place.

asked him to leave twice, he refuses. Says it is his house and he is not going. Expects me and kids to move out. Puts himself before his family yet again. Much easier for him rather than uprooting 3 kids and me.

Did i metion that my 7 year old has a disabiliy. That for us to move would be more stressfull to him due to his disability. My husband is fully aware of our sons stressors.

what can i do.!!!!!!!??????????

[LakesideDream]

here iam am 3 months later still in the same unhappy place.

asked him to leave twice, he refuses. Says it is his house and he is not going. Expects me and kids to move out. Puts himself before his family yet again. Much easier for him rather than uprooting 3 kids and me.

Did i metion that my 7 year old has a disabiliy. That for us to move would be more stressfull to him due to his disability. My husband is fully aware of our sons stressors.

what can i do.!!!!!!!??????????

 

You can call an attorney and get the balls rolling. I don't know what the legal system in Australia's views on Divorce are, but you cannot be the first woman with children in this situation.

 

Nobody, especially no woman in a Western country must live with abuse. Binge drinking cannot be good for the children to witness either. Call that attorney and let the court begin to sort the mess out.