Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Well, it is official, I am nuts and a shrink wants to crack me open and examine my walnut to figure out why I have such problems with forming and maintaining relationships. I have been diagnosed with minor depression and anxiety issues, not surprising here, I have diagonosed myself with that a long time ago. Dating scares me, it scares me a lot. Not because of being out there and allowing myself to be happy, but because I don't feel like I am in time with the views of this world with relationships. I am not into premarital sex anymore, I don't know how to relax, and I think I scare the few women who might be interested in me. I have a problem with talking about myself and my feelings about intimate things with women I like, but have yet formed a relationship with. I do believe that both men and women have to loss a part of themselves in order to form a greater whole, it just natural to me. Then, there is the multitude of girls/women who would not give me a time or day or who would prefer to play with my head an affections. So, yeah I am very paranoid about being in a relationship. It is amazing how something as simple to do like the love of a girl/woman can have such a profound effect on one's life. It is as if one is hungry for a specific taste and nothing else will satisfy that hunger. Yes, I know for many of you I will hear the same things, "You just need to be calm." or "Good things come to those who wait (Ummm. 38 years old, 6 girlfriends in all my life and no phyiscal interaction relationship lasted more than about 1.5 months (I would say more like 1.5 weeks of true being in each other's presence when totalled together) and two online relationships which ended desterously (one was just a hoax and the other chose her budding business over a relationship with me). No, I can't turn off my thinking of these things and the fears that it will happen again and no, I am not really happy with the things in my life, they are just a distraction from that which I really desire. Who would think that not being in an intimate relationship with another person could be so problematic? DNR I am just waiting for the nice people with the pretty white van and butterfly nets to come pick me up.
bhweller Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Trust me bad relatioships will hurt you a hell of a lot more than bad dating. are you against premarital sex for religious reasons ? If you are then just hit the church every chance you get, thats where the celebate chicks are .
D-Jam Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 DNR....do you really want to date? Do you think a significant other will make you happier in life? I swear...before meeting my current GF, I pretty much saw dating, relationships, etc as a big waste of time and energy. A big hassle with loads of drama. My friends never understood my attitude, but they more realized how carefree my life was when I didn't make dating a big priority of my life. I felt in my mind that I was happier alone than dealing with the insanity dating has become. Even with my current, I would have dropped her in a heartbeat if she shows me any behavior similar to the screwed up women I've met over my life. Thankfully she hasn't. You need to decide if you really do want to date, or if you're pushing it because you think that's what you're supposed to do. Some people are just genuinely happy alone. If you do want to date, then you need to just get over your fears.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 DNR You can't put all of this onto yourself, sometimes it's circumstance rather than some deep underlying issue. It sounds like you need to like yourself a bit more and stop trying to measure up to what others might percieve of you, certainly when it comes to dating.
You'reasian Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 DNR, Relationships themselves are not always perfect, wonderful things - they are sometimes hard to manage, allbeit good overall. I was in a really wonderful 3 year relationship with a very intelligent, beautiful woman - whom simply did not believe in marriage, therein was our splitting difference. Divorce statistics indicate that long-term, committed relationships are indeed hard to keep. Anyhow, I don't see anything wrong with abstinence if that is your decision - it might make dating more difficult, but if you have religious reasons or other goals at hand, it could make perfect sense.
Lishy Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I see you as a guy who is not willing to 'settle' you know what you want and how you want it but you have just not met the girl for the job! From reading your post's on here you sound like such a clued up and lovely guy and I know one day you will meet the girl who sees things the way you do and things will not be hard or 'fake' I dont think you have a problem, I think you know what you want and will not settle for less, which alas means that right now you are single!
Author Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 Trust me bad relatioships will hurt you a hell of a lot more than bad dating. are you against premarital sex for religious reasons ? If you are then just hit the church every chance you get, thats where the celebate chicks are . Both religious and personal experience. I find that having sex outside of marriage hurts me a lot and that when it is gone it takes a long time for me to get back to my normal self. I bond on more than just a physical level with the women I sleep with. I can remember all 8 women I have had sex with (even the prostitutes). DNR
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 It's called having standards, and you are keeping to them and being true to yourself which in the long run is far more important than pleasing the pop tart of the week. You will find it more difficult to find a great relationship because of this, but what is your alternative? Betray your own values? I don't see you doing that. Dating is rough. It gets harder and harder as you get older, I know. I think when you meet the woman who is inline with your value system, you will find that a lot of things will fall into place. I know, easy to say. Heck, I haven't found it yet, either! You seem like a really quality guy with depth and compassion, and it isn't always easy to find your counterpart, but that doesn't mean you can't keep trying.
Author Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 DNR....do you really want to date? Do you think a significant other will make you happier in life? Unfortunately, unless I do mail-order bride, I may have to date. I don't think a significant other will make me happier as is the feeling of fulfillment. There are some people who are designed and readily accept being single and feel fulfilled being so. I am not one of those. I would love to have a wife and some children before I depart this world. I would love to deal with the blisses and trials that comes with sharing one life with another person. DNR
You'reasian Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Unfortunately, unless I do mail-order bride, I may have to date. I don't think a significant other will make me happier as is the feeling of fulfillment. There are some people who are designed and readily accept being single and feel fulfilled being so. I am not one of those. I would love to have a wife and some children before I depart this world. I would love to deal with the blisses and trials that comes with sharing one life with another person. DNR Nothing wrong with dating. Consider refining your dating process to suit what you are looking for? Obviously bars and clubs are not the most suitable places - allthough fun. Look into non-dating events to meet people. It takes the pressure off of dating and doesn't have to be akward - try taking a class that interests you, you will likely meet people with shared interests, perhaps it could move into something else?
sid3 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 HUH! I remember your judging me as being bitter after having read one of my rants about my ex girl friend, more specifically, I recall it was my posting about her head games and the manipulation I put up with for a few weeks before showing her the door. I'm replying to your thread with this reminder as maybe it will help you in your search for happiness. Dating is suppose to be fun. It only fails to be when expectations get out of control. You've always come across as a descent guy with some good values from the posts I've read. Except the one where you appeared to harshly judged me, whatever though. You may have been right, but I knew it was only a temporary mood.....getting mindshagged by an emotionally retarded girl can do that to a guy sometimes Anyhow, one of the best ways to improve your social life, and increase the options you have with members of the opposite sex is to get out of your comfort zone. Change your normal routine up a little. I think at our age, their are still plenty of great women available to date/ end up in a relationship with. By doing so, you'll start to feel much better about yourself because your taking action, just making the effort will feel rewarding. I wouldn't worry about the waiting until marriage for the se thing. You'll find many women that actually share that value and when a girl knows it's not only for the sex, your taken more seriously, jmho. What exactly limits your options is the first issue that needs to be determined and then changed in a positive way. Having few single friends can make getting out there feel like a struggle. Not many people can go out alone to social events/places without feeling reluctant, or somewhat discouraged. I thought you listed the Bronx as you location. Millions and millions of women in NYC, surely there are thousands that you could click with. I'm going to a meetup tomorrow night, just to get myself out there. It may not prove to be very fun or conductive to meeting any women that I have anything in common with, but regardless, I know I will feel good about making an effort and geting out of my comfort zone. Yes I was sorta bitter about my ex and the way she treated me, it was that three week period that helped me move on the most. Since then I have taken what I've learned from the situation and I know it has made me a wiser and more experienced person. Rather than staying bitter, I let go. Every experience is different, Had I not let go, it probably would have left me affraid to date for the same reasons you've posted about. Now I know what to look out for (red flags), dating can still be fun, sure a little frustrating at times. Hope things start turning around for you soon, before the white van pulls up. If your ever looking for someone to go out and meet some women with send me a pm.
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