starscollide Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 If you had legitimately good reasons to break up with your significant other, is NC really the best thing to do? I initiated the break-up with my ex 3 years ago, but he's never forgiven me for breaking his heart. I've posted several threads on the topic, but I wanted to know if the fact that I'm the dumper changes anything? I told him plenty of times what needed to change in our relationship, that I was willing to work on things, that it wasn't all on him. I gave it time to see if any changes were being made, but his behavior and treatment of me got even worse. Still having feelings for him but knowing it would only get worse, I said we should break up because I was so emotionally and physically drained. He's never forgiven me, even now 3 years later, and though I've tried to show him I still care about him and am willing to be there for him, he's only used that to hurt me further. I was and would always be willing to get to know him for who he is now, but he's made no changes in his behavior. I just wanted to know if as a dumper, I have the right to stay NC? I didn't break up with him out of malice, I've always continued to treat him with respect, but he cared more about keeping me at arms length and close-guarding his feelings. So much so that he got annoyed with ME for not reading his mind and knowing that he had strong feelings for me. I'm not a mind-reader, I go by your actions and if you're pushing me away and not talking to me about how you feel, it makes me feel like you don't care. I just...I want to stop feeling guilty. As recently as last month I told him I was hanging out with someone new because we've always been upfront about that with each other and he made some really cruel, jealous remarks-even though he has a girlfriend. I can't win! No matter how nice I am, or how forgiving I am, I get sh*t on and I STILL feel guilty. He blames me for breaking his heart when he refuses to even acknowledge how badly he treated me. Even now, since I went NC he was spiteful because I deleted him off of facebook so he didn't wish me a happy birthday. I'm 22, I'm too old for this sh*t. He's 24 and takes responsibility for nothing! How do you get over the guilt? I've tried showing him I care, I've tried NC before to no avail because if months go by and he texts or shows up and we talk, he goes back to assuming I'm always there at his convenience. I don't ignore people, I've never been that kind of person, but getting hurt and paying for hurting him over and over isn't fair either...I need direction, preferably from guys. If a girl who was a decent catch burned you because you were treating her poorly, what would make you see that it was your actions that contributed to the break-up in the first place?? What would help you to see things for what they are and to forgive her?
lofi_tokyo Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 If a girl who was a decent catch burned you because you were treating her poorly, what would make you see that it was your actions that contributed to the break-up in the first place?? What would help you to see things for what they are and to forgive her? Some people just stay angry. Its been a while, hes dating someone, you're seeing someone... theres no reason to make him see the errors in his ways. That may come much further down the road, when he has matured more, but I don't think anything you can do at this point will help him come to that realization. Also, the realization may just never come. One of my closest friends dumped a guy, and now, 3.5 years later, he STILL calls her a life-sucking vampire, a bitch, a monster, a slut. All for breaking things off with him. Hes passionately in love with a new woman these days, but he still harbors that grudge. For a really long time, she felt guilty, but after a while it just got to the point with she threw her hands and the air and was like "You know what, there is nothing I can do to convince him otherwise". I think for some people, its easier to be angry at an ex, than come to terms with how they pushed their ex into a breakup. I guess - my summary is... there is nothing you can do to change how HE feels, you can only change how YOU feel. Let it go, let him say what he wants to say, and stop feeling guilty! You are not responsible for his actions, only yours.
Author starscollide Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 Some people just stay angry. Its been a while, hes dating someone, you're seeing someone... theres no reason to make him see the errors in his ways. That may come much further down the road, when he has matured more, but I don't think anything you can do at this point will help him come to that realization. Also, the realization may just never come. One of my closest friends dumped a guy, and now, 3.5 years later, he STILL calls her a life-sucking vampire, a bitch, a monster, a slut. All for breaking things off with him. Hes passionately in love with a new woman these days, but he still harbors that grudge. For a really long time, she felt guilty, but after a while it just got to the point with she threw her hands and the air and was like "You know what, there is nothing I can do to convince him otherwise". I think for some people, its easier to be angry at an ex, than come to terms with how they pushed their ex into a breakup. I guess - my summary is... there is nothing you can do to change how HE feels, you can only change how YOU feel. Let it go, let him say what he wants to say, and stop feeling guilty! You are not responsible for his actions, only yours. I suspect it just hurts so much more because I didn't just dump him! I gave him chance after chance, I told him exactly how I felt, and he continued to withdraw and treat me poorly. Then I tried being there as his friend, and he said how I always care about him, I'm always there for him, and he never reciprocated. Really long story short...He tells me he never wants to go out again, lists all my faults, then sends me song lyrics about being heartbroken/still in love/wanting that person back. I call him on it, says it meant nothing. Continues to send lyrics. We start hanging out once a month, things are fine, start hooking up again. I say I want to get back together, he says he's not looking for a serious relationship right now and that I should give other guys a chance. I accept a date with someone else, he gets extremely angry and then starts seeing someone, shoves it in my face. Me and the other guy don't work out, he and the girl do. He contacts me while with her, I make the biggest mistake of my life and cheat with him. He admits that I mean more than a hookup, but basically, he has it perfectly easy with the girlfriend whos almost 4 year younger than him because she doesn't care what he does. She doesn't get mad at him or talk to him about issues, they see each other once a week, its all fun and requires no effort. I finally went NC last month and have been that way ever since. I can never win! I've been upfront, I told him I still love him, I've always said I'd want to get to know him for who he is now, but he constantly puts everything on me. I'm always wrong, its always my fault. I don't know if this is maturity or a grudge or what!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I can never win! I've been upfront, I told him I still love him, I've always said I'd want to get to know him for who he is now, but he constantly puts everything on me. I'm always wrong, its always my fault. I don't know if this is maturity or a grudge or what! I guess it comes down to what you call winning. Personally, I think going NC with this guy and never hearing from him again is a HUGE win. He sounds like a jerk. Never formally broke up with you, just let things get weird and let things dissolve. It sounds to me like... he loves you, or parts what make you who you are, but at the end of the day, hes just not that into you. He isn't "in love" he just loves some aspects of you, and as such, does not feel like he owes you any kind of formal relationship. Instead of being a man and letting you go, he strings you along, which is completely unfair. So you've gone NC and thats the best news ever. From what I'm reading, you've tried so hard, you've poured yourself into this relationship, came at it from many angles, and come up with nothing. You gave what you could. That does not make you a loser, by any means. If he cant see how lucky he was to get those chances? Well fine, whatever. Hes a jerk and you're better off without him. I'm not just saying that to make you feel good either - your ex sounds TERRIBLE! How can he treat you like that and his current girlfriend like that. Don't date a cheater. Don't date a man who takes your love for granted. Its hard, I know, but keep up the NC, thats how you win. Because one day you'll be sooo over him, and you'll realize how incredibly happy you are things did not work out. You'll run into him somewhere, look at your life, look at his life, and think "Wow. I can't believe I spent so much time crying over him".
madgun68 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Stars, First of all.. Forgive yourself! You broke his heart, but you also have given him chance after chance to get things right. Both before and after you broke up with him. Your reward for this? He continues to hurt you, even to this day. He's proven time and time again that he is toxic to you. As hard as it may be, stick with NC. Maybe some day, when you're not around for him anymore, he'll realize what he has lost.. But that's not going to happen while you're still around (if it happens at all.) If this guy really cared about you he'd either change or stay away from you to stop hurting you. Let him see what it's like with you no longer in his life. Maybe he'll finally get it. Good luck.
Author starscollide Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Stars, First of all.. Forgive yourself! You broke his heart, but you also have given him chance after chance to get things right. Both before and after you broke up with him. Your reward for this? He continues to hurt you, even to this day. He's proven time and time again that he is toxic to you. As hard as it may be, stick with NC. Maybe some day, when you're not around for him anymore, he'll realize what he has lost.. But that's not going to happen while you're still around (if it happens at all.) If this guy really cared about you he'd either change or stay away from you to stop hurting you. Let him see what it's like with you no longer in his life. Maybe he'll finally get it. Good luck. I guess I just wonder why he'd miss me when he's found someone who's just as great a catch as I am. How do you realize what you lost when something equally great, if not better is there instead?
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