BlindleadingtheBlind Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Hi -- I've posted here on my situation in the past, and am hoping you can help me again. Here's the original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=130853&highlight=blindleadingtheblind In brief, I've been married for eight years, and with the same partner for 17 years total. We've had what I thought was a wonderful relationship: grounded and solid. He really has been my best friend. Fast-forward to a year ago, when he was away on an internship for the summer, and I became embroiled in a crush with a coworker that eventually spiraled into a very brief physical affair. That event (so I thought at the time) precipitated an entire life change for me. I quit my job to return to working on my dissertation full-time, entered into NC with the OM in late-September of last year, and did two or three sessions of marriage counseling with my husband. My husband and I talked about things, and he forgave me. And I know that I'm blessed by that forgiveness and I DO appreciate it. But it's one year later, and I still feel myself sad about what happened and am trying to make sense of it. My feelings for this other man just will NOT abate. In the past few weeks, I've felt my resolve to not contact him weakening, and so I told myself I could only do so if I entered therapy first. I've been to two sessions of therapy and see it as helpful and will definitely continue. So...I feel like I am trying to do the right thing: pursuing therapy to see why I engaged in this stupid affair in the first place, continuing to not contact the other man, and trying to re-engage with my husband. But, I'm just...sad about it. I guess I wanted to hear from others in this situation and what they have done. There has been a lot going on in my life -- a new job, I turned in my dissertation after ten years, and this should be a wonderful time -- a fresh start. But instead, I find myself thinking about this other man all the time. And yes, I know my husband deserves better. But I am trying to make things right. I just want to know how other people in this situation have dealt with it. Am I mourning? Why can't I get over this?
sedgwick Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 If your relationship with your husband is "grounded and solid," you wouldn't have cheated on him, and you wouldn't have feelings for this other man. I think you have to assess what it was that wasn't working about your marriage and attempt to address that.
marriedandsad Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Ah yes....guilt. Some of us are able to just get over the guilt we feel, and then there are those of us whom it plagues for a very long time. I still get sick thinking about things I've said to my husband, or done...trust me, it's a long list. And what makes it so much worse, he forgave me so quickly and so easily. Made me feel like filth. It's good that are you seeking counseling...correct? Might be good for you to see a psychiatrist as well, to get to the bottom of why you feel the guilt as intensely as you do. I felt mine because I obsess over things, and I had latched onto this horrific sense of failure that it became me and took over my emotions. I got so bad I attempted suicide. Please, don't let yourself get to that point. When this happens sometimes we become addicted to something which helps it go away...like for me, sleeping pills and alcohol and pain medications. It's so easy, but not healthy. (hugs)
Author BlindleadingtheBlind Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 for responding. It's weird -- my emotions regarding the situation keep ebbing and flowing. Last week was horrible, this week I (think) I'm doing slightly better, but then something or another will catch me off guard. I appreciate both of your responses. You're right that I probably never got to the bottom of what was bothering me about my marriage. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. I know this will take awhile to sort out, but I'm glad I'm making some baby steps forward.
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