what now

[NOW and THEN]

short and sweet... I was with a man for 8-9yrs. He broke up with me after 4yrs because I wasn't meeting his needs sexually (this all started due to basically being raped in my sleeep). We fought day and night about it, lived together and this was taking a huge toll on me cause I was missing class and not getting sleep. I was working full time and going to school full time... stressed and depressed and now not good enough. In a short time he realized he made a mistake and came back, but I was already dating. He melted my heart and I broke it off with the other guy and went back to him. DUMB... I should have been thanking my lucky stars this man was a monester at this time in his life and I was becoming a bitch I couldn't stand.

 

Back together... he had changed until one night... some more odd things happened. At that time my father who molested me as a child was living with me... it was all down hill from there. I was a mess... sucide crossed my mind (my relationship brought back memories of me being molested... I was unsure before this and that's why I took my father in when he bacame homeless... I didn't believe what happened to me in the past).

 

During all this... I was taking care of my sister (who was bi-polar/borederline personality and claimed for many years my father molestered her... this is were some of my confusion came from... Not ever knowing the truth)

 

One thing lead to another... the man in my life grew up and realized to some degree the hurt he was causing and changed, but we still fought none stop about sex.

 

now... delusional and upset... was my problems of dealing with all this effecting my realtionship or did we have serious problems. Things had gotten better and we were engaged. I fights over sex lead to not loving each other correctly and hurting each other emotionally. We had been talking about counseling for 4yr but never went. At one point we said we would when we got engaged... I struggled with him telling him that fighting with me was getting him no where and that our inablity to communicate was ruining us. After another odd night... I finally lost it and called it off. I told him to search himself and do whatever was easier... go to counseling with me or move on.

 

7 months later my dad flipped out threating to kill me... I kicked him out! My sister passed due to an overdose. My X was there in full force, but every night would talk about getting back together, but was on match.com. Finally he asked if we were getting back together and I mentioned counseling.... he said, "then I guess I need to search myself." I wanted to be back with him, but counseling was a promise I made to myself when we split. At one point he told me, "your my perfect women minus one major flaw." I had to stick to my guns and I did.

 

I'm not dating a wonderful man... but keep thinking leaving my X was a wrong move cause we could of eventually been great who throw in a towel on a 8-9 yr relationship? After writing all this I realize... I made the right choice; however, how much of it was all my fault due to my family and past... could we have worked out?

 

I settle in my mind with if he truly was in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me... he would have went to counseling. Not choosing counseling means he wasn't in love with me... right?

 

Even knowing I'm dating... it took months... I realize more and more that it was me that ruined us, but his actions didn't help. I feel lost and confused... any insight would be great

[Ronni_W]

I am sorry for all your traumatic experiences thus far -- that is a LOT to deal with, in one lifetime! You did not deserve to be molested. Your persecutor, your father, was wrong to do that. His beliefs were wrong, and his actions were wrong.

 

On the other hand, your survival points to your own courage and strength. That you have made it to the 'this side' of those experiences is admirable - congrats, for doing that.

 

It is not all your fault that your relationship didn't work out. Of course not. It is that neither of you had enough of whatever it would have taken, to create a relationship in which each of you could thrive.

 

But. Couples counseling does not help individuals heal from their traumatic pasts, nor does it help with self-awareness, nor does it help with personal development. At least, self-awareness and development is not focus. In your specific case, it is unlikely that couples counseling would have been the best arena for you, individually.

 

Even though you are not at all responsible (at fault, to blame) for them, your traumatic experiences, and the maladaptive beliefs and coping strategies that resulted are, nonetheless, your individual responsibility to resolve and heal.

I strongly urge you to seek professional support to help you overcome all that you have survived. The emotional impact (scars) will remain, and will continue to infect your ability to have mutually loving, supportive and encouraging relationships. That is just the unfortunate consequence that every survivor is faced with.

 

Even if you have already undergone some counseling, there is every indication that you will gain additional benefits by undertaking more. If you do not have the financial means to hire a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse, contact your local rape crisis centre or women's shelter. They will be able to guide you.

 

As I said, you are obviously strong and courageous. The next part needs you to also be brave.

Offering prayers that you will receive more than enough, of all that you will need. (((hugs)))