NOTHING is set in stone...Here is a glimmer of hope (for all)

[Danielle46]

Update from my last post:

Well for anyone who read my last post (if not, you can still retrieve it) I have a bit of an update. Like I said before, my boyfriend of over 4.5 years and I had broken up basically because of extraneous circumstances beyond either of our control (school, work, loss of job etc etc., as I explained before)...Well for a while, being that he was the one to initiate the "break up", the ball was in his court... he basically had complete control over the situation knowing already how I felt... he knew I didn't want this to happen and he knew I was heart broken. So, I decided that rather than succumbing to my overwhelming emotions, I would try a little of this "no contact" thing and see what happened. I figured if he really felt stressed out enough to break things up then he should REALLY get a feel for what life is like without me, completely (meaning not seeing/speaking with me)...well low and behold, it only took 3 days for him to come around after my decision for no contact.

 

Even when he did contact me, which was via text, because we're both busy students so a phone call is not always feasible...I didn't jump on the opportunity to respond to him immediately... I let it go unanswered for a few hours before I finally responded. He, I'm sure, was completely relieved to hear from me. The really good part of this is: I had been waiting for days on end to hear the words that he "misses me"....although I knew in my heart that he did, it wouldn't be until he uttered those words that I would and could feel completely content and satisfied that I knew his feelings on this. Well...he did say it... he told me that he misses me a lot and that he thinks of me all the time... my heart skipped a beat to finally know for sure that's what he was feeling.

 

We aren't back together or anything because stuff is still very stressful and chaotic in both our lives (again, an explanation can be found in my previous thread), but we're on the road to recovery, so to speak.

 

Basically I wanted to let everyone know that "Nothing is set in stone"...even if things seem like they aren't working out now and that they're going down hill... everything in a matter of moments can change...and that goes for the opposite circumstance as well... The saying can be wonderful or tragic, but nonetheless, TRUE.

 

So please keep in mind... If you're going through something rough right now and your emotions are raw and running high, it can and will get better.

 

Time is such an ugly word...but in the same it is beautiful... because regardless of what happens within life, it is the ONLY true healing agent.

 

Remember what Robert Frost said: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.";)

[CaliGuy]

Update from my last post:

Well for anyone who read my last post (if not, you can still retrieve it) I have a bit of an update. Like I said before, my boyfriend of over 4.5 years and I had broken up basically because of extraneous circumstances beyond either of our control (school, work, loss of job etc etc., as I explained before)...Well for a while, being that he was the one to initiate the "break up", the ball was in his court... he basically had complete control over the situation knowing already how I felt... he knew I didn't want this to happen and he knew I was heart broken. So, I decided that rather than succumbing to my overwhelming emotions, I would try a little of this "no contact" thing and see what happened. I figured if he really felt stressed out enough to break things up then he should REALLY get a feel for what life is like without me, completely (meaning not seeing/speaking with me)...well low and behold, it only took 3 days for him to come around after my decision for no contact.

 

Even when he did contact me, which was via text, because we're both busy students so a phone call is not always feasible...I didn't jump on the opportunity to respond to him immediately... I let it go unanswered for a few hours before I finally responded. He, I'm sure, was completely relieved to hear from me. The really good part of this is: I had been waiting for days on end to hear the words that he "misses me"....although I knew in my heart that he did, it wouldn't be until he uttered those words that I would and could feel completely content and satisfied that I knew his feelings on this. Well...he did say it... he told me that he misses me a lot and that he thinks of me all the time... my heart skipped a beat to finally know for sure that's what he was feeling.

 

We aren't back together or anything because stuff is still very stressful and chaotic in both our lives (again, an explanation can be found in my previous thread), but we're on the road to recovery, so to speak.

 

Basically I wanted to let everyone know that "Nothing is set in stone"...even if things seem like they aren't working out now and that they're going down hill... everything in a matter of moments can change...and that goes for the opposite circumstance as well... The saying can be wonderful or tragic, but nonetheless, TRUE.

 

So please keep in mind... If you're going through something rough right now and your emotions are raw and running high, it can and will get better.

 

Time is such an ugly word...but in the same it is beautiful... because regardless of what happens within life, it is the ONLY true healing agent.

 

Remember what Robert Frost said: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.";)

 

While I am happy for you, I did want to point out a few things.

 

Your breakup was amicable in the fact that neither of you really wanted to break up and you both still loved each other. There was no OM/OW involved. In these cases, it's very plausable that you would get back together.

 

For the majority of people on LS, this is not the case. There is love lost, there is another person involved. Frankly, when that happens the odds of a second chance are very slim. This is why NC is so often stressed.

 

Again, I am happy for you, but your case is much more different than the majority of cases on LS where one person simply falls out of love or finds someone else they like better. In that case I would suggest complete NC and moving on as best you can because, 99.9% of the time, a second chance isn't going to happen.

 

Cheers.

[IcemanJB]

I'm in much the same boat as you. My ex and I split when we both still really want to be with each other (she said it probably 5 times during the tear filled breakup). This was about 2 weeks ago.

 

It's so much easier to move on when the ex is simply interested in someone else; this is the first time I've broken up with someone when it had nothing to do with the chemistry or someone else. I didn't talk to her for 5 days and she texted me last night to see how I'm doing, which was awesome.

 

We're both doing better and I miss her like crazy, but that doesn't mean something down the road can't happen...keep your head up, you're not alone!

[BCCA]

I'm in much the same boat as you. My ex and I split when we both still really want to be with each other (she said it probably 5 times during the tear filled breakup). This was about 2 weeks ago.

 

It's so much easier to move on when the ex is simply interested in someone else; this is the first time I've broken up with someone when it had nothing to do with the chemistry or someone else. I didn't talk to her for 5 days and she texted me last night to see how I'm doing, which was awesome.

 

We're both doing better and I miss her like crazy, but that doesn't mean something down the road can't happen...keep your head up, you're not alone!

 

Trust me, its not easy to move on, period. Most people here are only moving on because they don't have any other choice, not because they want to or its the easy thing to do. Would you really feel any better about a breakup because the person you were in love with found someome else or isn't interested anymore? Doubtful.

 

OP, your situation is entirely different from 90% of people here. A lot of people have been out of their relationships for months, and so the part about going NC for 3 days and having him call isn't going to work for them. Also, many people here are struggling to let something go that's obviously a done deal, so it's not as though anyone tries to fill their head with worst case scenario's, its just that people need to hear the truth sooner than later.

 

For some people, unfortunately, its pretty close to set in stone.

[Danielle46]

Well, I slightly have to disagree with the set in stone part...Nothing in life in general is set in stone... really we are only guaranteed two things... 1) We will be taxed and 2) we will die...But everything else is rather up in the air. We can't predict the future...no one can... and although it may seem to be pretty set in stone at the moment, one day it can all change. My parents have some friends that dated for a while back when they were teenagers/early twenties and then things sort of fell apart... she moved away and they didn't really speak for a couple of years or so... but now they are together and have been happily married for over 25 years...so by me saying "nothing is set in stone" just means that although things may seem one way now, that doesnt mean they cannot change...in respect to relationships, feelings, emotions etc. In my particular case, I was a wreck for days not knowing what was going to happen... but everything changed when I heard from him... I know 3 days isn't a BIG deal...but if you knew me personally and knew my situation more in depth, it would be easier to see my reasoning. I know people are dealing with far worse situations than I, and I hope nothing but the best for them...everything that happens to us in life, good or bad, makes us the person that we are..and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason....

 

Break ups are not easy and troubled relationships aren't either... and I've had my fair share, not only in my own personal love life, but in people's close to me... and through evaluating how they have coped and what has happened, I've really come to understand the saying that "time heals all wounds"... it is definitely better to hear the truth.. but sometimes you can't really say what is definitely, without a doubt, going to happen...but every single day has the opportunity to bring something new...

 

I wish the best for everyone. Just find that strong part of you, and stick with that!

[lofi_tokyo]

Danielle, you're totally right. Nothing is set in stone.

 

But I think the thing about break-ups is, you have to believe they are set in stone. Otherwise, you're never going to move on.

 

I'm guessing your parent's friends got over each other while they were apart, and accepted the breakup in its entirety. They got back together, and thats amazing, and wonderful, and really shows you really cannot predict what the future holds.

 

You can guess though, and you can make an educated one at that - most people do not break up then get back together and stay happily together for years and years and decades. Some do, but not enough to live on that kind of hope.

[BCCA]

I'm just going to say it...

 

The problem with this is that a lot of people are living in a world of false hope, and holding onto something that isn't there for far too long. It's great that there are times when things do end up working out, but you really shouldn't expect or even hope that they do. Everyone knows at least one story of two people breaking up, under the worst circumstances, and then getting back together years later and having a lifetime of happy marrige. Thing is, thats probably somewhere between 0.5-1% of couples that break up, and even that might be high. For every story of a reconcillation, there are 1,000 that didn't work out.

[Danielle46]

I am not trying to be naive or anything... I do know that the majority of the time things can just end and people do have to move on...believe me, I wasn't sure at first if this whole situation of mine was heading in one direction or another...so I was at the point of just accepting the break up and moving on with my life...I know the pain... I've seen it in more ways than I care to share... but everything cannot be negative... everyone here that's dealing with pain right now, will find happiness again and that's the point...the fact that these emotions are not set in stone, that one day they will accept what's happened and everything will heal in time.

 

Maybe I'm not explaining myself well and that's why I'm getting not such great feedback but I do understand the purpose of this and just like everyone else on here enduring a break up, old or new, the pain is there regardless and I was simply searching for someone else out there sharing a common situation. I'm not trying to make light of the situations that may in fact be irreversible but I'm just saying that not everything has to be negative... Being optimistic is healthy and learning that one can be strong and beautiful and find happiness is key to coping with and living through a time like this.

 

Everyone's situation is different and it's impossible, just from an explanation on here, to fully understand ALL of the circumstances and reasons behind their situation. Advice is always appreciated from any avenue, but that's just what it is advice...things will always work out the way they were intended too...I just want to share a little hope with people b/c maybe they think things aren't going to work, but sometimes they do...False hope is what I was trying to avoid also holding on to...and I know that can be really rough...but everyone has to hang in there.... because although it's tough and times can really suck...they WILL get better! =)

[BCCA]

Maybe I was misunderstanding you before, because this is a great message. You're absolutely right, life is ever-changing, and even though it might look bleak today, you never know what tomorrow holds. You just have to be in the right frame of mind to accept good things when they come your way.

 

I thought your original message was essentially to not give up on broken relationships, because yours worked out, and it could happen to others. I think its wonderful that yours worked out, but I just didn't want to fill anyones head up with ideas that if they kept waiting, their ex would come back someday, too. Most of the time, it's just not going to happen, and I just didn't want anyone killing themselves worrying/waiting any longer than they had to. If that wasn't what you meant, sorry for the misunderstanding.

[Danielle46]

It's okay... Im still under a lot of stress/pressure so maybe I didn't explain myself as well as I meant to initially. My situation was just supposed to serve as an example that not ALL relationships will end up bad... and yes the message was what you said... bleak today..but could be completely different tomorrow...there's a great song by Reba Mcentire called "Somebody"...even if you aren't into country it's a great inspirational song mainly suggesting "somewhere out there, is somebody"...everyone can and will find happiness even though today may seem hopeless. "Time" is the essential and key word to reaching this point. Everyone has their doubts at first that they will ever be happy again, I know I did...and things aren't 100% yet but I still know in my heart that no matter what, one day I will look back that realize the true purpose for this whole experience... everything is happening for some reason...may not be obvious now but in the future, it will all make sense. =)

 

Not everything in life can be a bed of roses...but it's all the occurances in life that make us who we are and strengthens us each and every day. The hope that everyone can count on is that happiness will find it's way back to them. Just give it time.

[Hersheys]

I'm glad things are working out for you, Danielle!

 

I just gotta say tread lightly, enjoy the moment/s but don't expect too much. Problems /issues in your relationship must be in your conciousness all the time. If BOTH of you decide to give the relationship another go, make it clear to him what he wants from you and what you want from him and problems in the past must be addressed and worked on.

 

Good luck! : )

 

ETA: As often times said here at LS, actions speak louder than words. A mere "i miss you" isn't enough if not coupled with actions.

[Danielle46]

Yes, Im basically taking everything day by day. In our relationship itself, there wasn't any issues, we didn't have a big fight or anything that would cause the break up... it was just merely the fact that his life is so hectic right now b/w school, work & home life that he felt bad that he isn't able to commit the time to me now that he used to be able to for over 4.5 years. We're both hoping that we can take this break from each other and that it strengthens us in the end. I'm hopeful but I'm trying not to have any expectations. I know him extremely well and I know this is also difficult for him but it's something that he had to do in order to be able to focus on school & making the grade. College can be a real challenge at times, especially when you're nearing the end of obtaining a degree...which is where he's at. So, each day I hope for the best, but expect nothing. Good news is, he is doing better in school now & has been able to put all his energy toward focusing on his studies & improving his grades. It's good to know that the reason he gave me for needing this time, is really what is playing out.

 

I also have a great relationship with his Mom and she would NEVER let him do anything that would hurt me...it's hard to explain but after knowing his family for so long, I've become like another daughter to her & so she knows the difficulty of this on me. I still keep in touch with her and in a way I'm also keeping in touch with my b/f...b/c I can see how he's doing by just asking her rather than being a nag and asking him all the time. It's not that I speak with her daily or anything, more like once a week if even that. So thankfully, I have that connection there.

 

Things seem to be heading in the right direction...I just hope they continue to do so. For now, I'm keeping myself busy with my own studies in school, working & spending time with some of close girl friends. It helps when you have support from all avenues when it comes to coping with something like this.

 

So for anyone out there, going through something similar to me, I would definitely suggest taking this time & spending it with some close friends. Don't do anything stupid, but have fun...use this time to reconnect with people outside of just your b/f or g/f. In the end, it will make you stronger & possibly even improve your relationship knowing that you CAN be strong & make it no matter what. Ladies: Men love strong women! You can't just cry & plead with him...you just have to show that you can survive anything...they prefer that over tears!

 

Good luck to everyone! I wish nothing but the best!

 

And thanks for all the advice & inspiration! Keep it coming! It's nice talking with all of you! =)

[You'reasian]

Not everything in life can be a bed of roses...but it's all the occurances in life that make us who we are and strengthens us each and every day. The hope that everyone can count on is that happiness will find it's way back to them. Just give it time.

 

Well put and I'd say you sound like a very mature woman

[Sapphire_Phoenix]

You are right nothing is set in stone. Every love story is different, what can be applied to one cannot always be applied to another.

But it mostly depends on the circumstances on the parting of ways and why the relationship ended.

I think if infidelity played a part, then that is a deal breaker.

But if it was a case of right love, wrong time, and real, true love is still present in both parties and always has been, then I believe anything is possible.