smm80 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 So I've been dating this woman for several months now. She has been out of a marriage of nine years for about 14 months now. She has had several failed relationships (boyfriends) since her divorce and has yet to be "alone" for the so-called healing process. So we are together, and now she is telling me she wants to be with me and knows we can have a wonderful future, but she wants to "make sure she is ready" before we move forward. Any insight to this would be very appreciated? Should I back off alot but keep letting her know I am there to support her?
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 No, and yes. Don't back off, necessarily, but be there for her. If you want to be, that is.... If you're looking for something free 'n' easy, a casual relationship, then tell her, and move on. If not, dedicate yourself to being with the lady long-term, and make her as happy, secure and comfortable as you can. Which is a lot of work. It will take effort, communication, commitment and respect. Oh, and Time. Can you do that?
Author smm80 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 I have just told her today that I am in this for the long-haul and I am not going anywhere. I hope for the day that we can see eachother everyday and want her to be able to be ready for us. That we will be something completely different than she has had before....because I am different.
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 way to go. I know it seems as if all the effort will be coming from your side, but the most important factor is to communicate, and to do so gently. Be sure to be up-front with her... if she says or does something that riles you, or winds you up, or tries your patience, tell her but be careful of the phraseology.... Don't say things like "I wish you wouldn't...." or "I hate it when you...." or even "Why do you always have to....." It is more constructive in things like this to put matters forward in a way that doesn't seem confrontational.... "When this happens, I feel....." make it third person, or make yourself responsible for the way you feel. Which, you are, of course. There are always outside catalysts, or triggers, which bring certain feelings to the surface, but if we 'watch' them, we realise that we're reacting to something out of habit, conditioning, upbringing and experience. we respond to something defensively, but it's worth looking inwardly to seek ...'Why'? All this, of course, applies to her as well... but she seems to be in a fragile state, so I'm laying it out for you to help you deal with stuff better..... Communicate. Constructively. I wish you well.
Author smm80 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 I am trying so hard...and it breaks my heart that we just can't be happy and joyful. I just pray everynight that she will come around and see what is in front of her. what do you think could be what shes trying to figure out?
Lady Bird Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Geishawhelk has given some great advice. I would recommend simply enjoying time together now and don't bring up the future. As was said, it may be a trigger or put unknown pressure on her that you don't even realize. Let things flow naturally and continue to spend time together so she can become comfortable and see by your actions that you are in it for the long term. Let her set the pace and slowly in time ease into discussing future commitments or talks of a future together.
mendsley Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Geishawhelk that is very good advice. I have just realized in my own relationship problem some of what you are saying and it has really helped me to talk with her, so I hope it helps you smm80
Lizzie60 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 No need to back off BUT don't move in with her until you know she has sorted out her 'baggage'
Author smm80 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 we are getting together tonite. havent seen her since tues. i know not too far back, but when you were seeing that person everyday its an eternity. she says she is still IN love with me, so that is a big plus. I reiterated to her that I am in this for the long haul, and if she does have a change of heart, to just tell me...it will be easier for both of us. i am backing off a little bit, just in terms of my talk of the future and that i feel shes the one for me, etc etc. Geishwalk...no she is not in any counseling...doesnt believe in that. lizzie...i know right, thats my big hangup...she thinks that us living together will be good for both of us...but i dont want us to be together all the time until shes sure that she is ready to progress. Dont get me wrong its going to be hard to tell her tonite that I think we should hold off on that....its sooo what I want, but if its meant to be its prolly worth the wait, correct?
Author smm80 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 i wish you the best of luck too mendsley....this is one of the hardest situations I have ever dealt with...matters of the heart seem to often be this way....like i said, i just hope this all works out for the best!
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Oh goodness.... what's not to 'believe'....?! The more she refuses counselling, the longer it will take her to work through her issues. Counselling doesn't solve your problems. 'You' do that. counselling just steers 'you' in a productive direction. How fast or slow 'you' go, and what 'you' drop along the way is 'your' choice....(you/your.... all generic, not specific....) I think at one point it may be good to tentatively suggest going together. Particularly if after a while, you feel stuck in a rut, or if progress looks slow/non-existent. Incidentally, those people who "don't believe in counselling" very often resist it because they are just too fearful of what it will bring up. But not facing it just means that the elephant in the room gets bigger and bigger, because it's still being fed.....
Mr. Lucky Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 She has been out of a marriage of nine years for about 14 months now. She has had several failed relationships (boyfriends) since her divorce and has yet to be "alone" for the so-called healing process. If you're her third or fouth boyfriend in 14 months post divorce then that would be - at least to me - a red flag. She seems to have conflicting needs for romantic companionship and resolution of issues related to her failed marriage. I'd question whether she's ready for a "long haul" relationship... Mr. Lucky
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