hayworth24 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Hi, Could really use some advice here. First I will ask the question and then give you the back story. ? Should I be patient and let things happen naturally or walk?? Back story: I starting dating a great guy last June 2007. We have known of each other since grade school, but never interacted. His sister and my friend set us up. He apparently was liking me from afar and I just ignored him for so long. Then after our first date, we were just so connected and eventually fell in love. The one area in which we sometimes had a challenge was communication. He is that strong silent type and I am more chatty. He was always loving, faithful, strong, passionate, affectionate, etc. but when it came to me wanting to "talk", he would get uncomfortable because he related it to "conflict". Well guys - I am a woman and sometimes I need to talk it out. This became frustrating to me, so this past March 2008 I called it quits. We talked a few times but I eventually stopped taking his calls and totally ignored him. Then this past July 2008 our paths crossed and we started talking again and I told him I would give us another try. However, unlike before when he worshipped the ground I walked on, he is now more shut down. He said the breakup and my ignoring him was very "traumatic" for him and his guard is up. Its been difficult for me to sit back and just let things happen because he seems so guarded and almost a little pissed at me. I guess I miss the "old" him and am feeling like I did before I left the relationship in March. So, right now I am just waiting it out. We haven't talked or emailed in over a week. He keeps a lot of stuff inside and has difficulty talking to people. If anything, he has told me more things than anyone and he says this has helped that he can talk to me at times. He tells me he wants me to tell him things on my mind - but here's the thing - I can tell him anything and he is so supportive - EXCEPT when it has to do with any concerns I have about "us". That's hard for him to hear. What do I do?
BCCA Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Communication is a very large part of a relationship. I'm the same as you, I would rather get all the cards on the table and figure out what to do together, than to hold everything in and hope it just goes away. I'm a guy, and my ex was the same way - didn't like talking, didnt tell me what she was thinking, just kept it all in - so its definitely not a m/f thing. It's hard to get over a breakup. Some people honestly never do, especially if he really felt traumatized by it. It's hard to trust someone, again, with your heart and emotions, when doing that before got you burned. I dont blame him for being apprehensive about discussing the two of you, he probably feels like 'here we go again, Im gonna get dumped' when you do. With all that said, I don't know that this guy is relationship material for you. You need someone who you can be open with and discuss things, and he doesn't seem to be that guy. People really dont change, so if its bothering you now, its not going to go away. He isnt going to one day start talking and be ok with having heartfelt conversations. This is the same way hes always going to be. Can you handle that? My advice is to back way off, try not to focus too much on it, and see what happens. Go out, do other things, see other people, and if this is meant to be, things will fall into place.
sunshinegirl Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 How would you feel about a lifetime of this dynamic? Because that is what you will be in for if you stay with him. Even if he gets over the trauma of your last breakup - which is understandable, to a degree - you should recognize that this will be his default coping mechanism anytime things get tough in your relationship - he will shut down and withdraw.
Eve Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I can tell him anything and he is so supportive - EXCEPT when it has to do with any concerns I have about "us". That's hard for him to hear. What do I do? Maybe he was happy and you were making holes in the happiness? I have found that men shut down for many reasons but none more than pre-emptive chatter which has no bearing on how they feel that very second, or the second after. Everything which you stated about this person sounded as though he was ok to be with, so what did you need to discuss so urgently? This could be why he is so cautious..
BCCA Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Maybe he was happy and you were making holes in the happiness? I have found that men shut down for many reasons but none more than pre-emptive chatter which has no bearing on how they feel that very second, or the second after. Everything which you stated about this person sounded as though he was ok to be with, so what did you need to discuss so urgently? This could be why he is so cautious.. Even if this was true, out of respect and consideration, he should at least be willing to talk things out if they're important to her or having a negative effect on the relationship. Bottom line, you need to be able to discuss problems in the relationship with your signifigant other, or the problems wont go anywhere.
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