4givrnt4gtr Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Well, Ive posted here about my relationship pretty often (btw, if you ever find yourself asking for advice REALLY often about a relationship...you should definitely see that as a red flag!) From the get go it was rather shaky...it got ten times worst when i found some nasty texts to some chick on his phone. Right then I broke it off. I felt disrespected, on top of the feeling I already had that he wasnt sure he wanted me to begin with. In any case, he convinced me that he did want to be with me, and I told him he really had to work at winning me over. (Previously, I was doing most of the work in the R. As in, I would drive 30 min. to see him, while he hardly ever came to see me, he would hardly take me out, and if we planned something, he would often "reschedule" or figured he was too busy, after all the plans had been made. Not to mention his basic cheapness, which ive made threads about here). Anyway, he said he would do it, and he kind of started to. He would come to see me, we would stay at my apartment instead of going to his. He even took a day off (unheard off before!) to go with me to an amusement park. However, the effort died rather quickly. After a month or so, we started to get into a rut. All we would talk about was the sport we both practice, and when we got together all we do was go practice that sport. granted, he is giving me a LOT more time than before, but i still feel he doesnt feel strongly for me. For example, to make a long story short, he made plans for us to go to a nice place for dinner. It was a special occasion, so I was excited about it. The day came, and he decided that instead we should order pizza, because going out was too expensive. (even though he had already made it clear that i would be paying my own meal). A few days later, he invited me to go with him to this sort of park. He had gotten a free ticket so he thought it would be a good opportunity. I accepted and again, was excited that we were going to do something different. Well, the day came and he asked me if i had checked out how much was the ticket for me, since he had his free ticket, and that he would help me pay half of it if i wanted to. I assumed the ticket was expensive and thats why he wanted me to pay half...but turns out it was only $20.. (keep in mind, he is a full professional, making 6 figures, I am a master student, working part time). Anyway, i can give more example but in reality its more about the gesture than the money. It also shows in how he talks to me, and expresses his opinion about my body. ("you're butt is fat, i like muscular butts" and "that shirt doesnt look good on you, if you had bigger boobs maybe it would look ok" he's even mentioned how he would pay for me to get a boob job!!). Even last night!, I was really sick all night, and I live alone. Ive been sick most of the week because of BCP. I texted him last nite telling him i was feeling very sick and didnt want to be alone, that I wish he could come to make me company. I had no response to that...none at all. Anyway, my point is....I need to get off this I like him, I dont like him rollercoaster. How do i break it off? how do people do this??? Ive thought and thought about it and its the hardest thing ive ever had to do...Ive broken up with a guy before...but i guess i really just didnt like him because i dont remember it being this hard. How can i do it? please give me ideas! How do i deal with the questions, and the emotions and everything! (and do let me know if im taking it too far too!)
Lovegod Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 he is giving me a LOT more time than before, but i still feel he doesnt feel strongly for me. What's really interesting is it's YOU who has lost the interest in the relationship. After your discussion with him, he started to put more effort into the relationship. Since that wasn't good enough for you, I'm left to conclude that it actually was YOU who lost interest, not him. Quit trying to shift the blame to him losing the interest to justify your reasons for leaving him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 What's really interesting is it's YOU who has lost the interest in the relationship. After your discussion with him, he started to put more effort into the relationship. Since that wasn't good enough for you, I'm left to conclude that it actually was YOU who lost interest, not him. Quit trying to shift the blame to him losing the interest to justify your reasons for leaving him. Yes, you are right, I lost interest in being with a person that is with my because, as he puts it, is afraid to end up alone. I lost interest on being with a person that is not in love with me. I lost interest in being with someone who "tries" halfheartedly...yes, I did lost interest.
GrnEyedGemini Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Yes, you are right, I lost interest in being with a person that is with my because, as he puts it, is afraid to end up alone. I lost interest on being with a person that is not in love with me. I lost interest in being with someone who "tries" halfheartedly...yes, I did lost interest. Then remember that. Repeat it over and over again in your head. That's your answer. That's how you leave. You remind yourself how you deserve someone that has interest in you and what you like. You deserve someone that wants to be with you being they want to, not because they are afraid to be alone. You deserve someone who approaches the relationship with the same enthusiasm as you. You deserve someone who would love to pay your way, even if you could pay for yourself. Your right...its not about the money. Its the little things that really add up. I don't understand how women can say that over and over again, and men STILL don't get it.
DaisyBelle Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 You're making this hard for yourself because he's done a pretty good job of sending you mixed signals. Remember this: he's doing many things you don't like. He's disrespectful to you. Even though there may be a few things here and there that you do like, it's a package deal and the package includes a boatload of shyt you don't want or need. It's simple (yeah, for me - the outsider!). You call him or see him and say you won't be seeing him any more. He may whine and demand some sort of explanation, play on your emotions to keep you around, etc. But you don't owe this cat anything. He's a jerk. If you had some sort of decent relationship, then sure, give him a more heartfelt talk. But he's a jerk so he doesn't deserve any more of your time and attention because seriously, he doesn't appear to have the depth of emotion necessary to fully understand a heartfelt break up talk. Simply repeat over and over that you're looking for something different, don't feel a connection with him, and are not going to be seeing him any more. Those are all true things and allow you to bow out with grace. Do *not* let him steamroll you into sticking around. He's proven he's not what you want. In the meantime, once you shed this guy who treats you poorly, concentrate on what self esteem issues might be inhibiting good relationships for you.
Lovegod Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I lost interest on being with a person that is not in love with me. To be fair to him, it seems like he did work at making a change because he DID love you. I lost interest in being with someone who "tries" halfheartedly You said yourself that he made a change and worked at being more available to you. I would hardly call that "half-hearted". He truly wanted to make an effort, and that effort wasn't good enough for you and your mile-high standards. He's better off without you.
Shygirl15 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 You cannot like someone who treats you like this. What he has done is enough for you to resent towards him therefore making the whole breakup thing much easier.
Lovegod Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 This guy treats you terribly. Could someone PLEASE point out where this guy has treated her like garbage? All I'm seeing is the angry, spoiled brat who wrote the original post.
serial muse Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I'm concerned, 4givr, that you might internalize Lovegod's comments and somehow come to doubt your own instincts. Please don't. Someone who loves you will: 1. NOT constantly make disparaging comments about your body. 2. call you back when you're sick. 3. go out of his way for you - that doesn't have to be about money, but time and effort are good indicators of someone's caring. Now, to be sure, it sounds like he did try briefly to change how he acts with you. However, those alterations were short-lived - and I think that maybe the bottom line is that after a short period of time he just felt less invested for whatever reason...perhaps because he's a jerk, and/or perhaps because deep down he thinks you two just aren't right for each other. True, if he were a great guy he'd have just talked to you about it, instead of taking mean, passive-aggressive snipes at you. That's how I read that - maybe he wants you to do the breaking-up and be the "bad guy" so he doesn't have to. He sure sounds like a passive-aggressive sort of person. Or maybe he's just an angry guy and he likes lashing out at people he knows won't lash back, like those who care about him. I don't know. Hard to say. He may or may not be a complete ass, but what matters most here is that what you've written about him shows no signs of love on his part. My question is, do you love him? If so, why?? (especially if you have nothing to talk about except your common sport) Because honestly, it doesn't sound like you do, either. So...this just seems like an utter mismatch, which neither of you wants to leave out of fear, perhaps. But you're finally seeing the writing on the wall - so go ahead and do what you need to do. You'll be happier in the long run, and who knows? Maybe he will, too.
bhweller Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I'm a guy and I think the girl is right on this one. The cheapness is not the real problem, that is a distracting side issue. the big red flags that I picked up on: His unwillingness to drive to her apartment -- either he is selfish, isn't that eager to see her, or he is playing a power game. His sexual text messages to other women -- just plain lack of committment. For some reason, and I'm not saying its 100% his fault, he really is not showing much effort or committment. That seems clear. It is also clear that he has her dangling on the "challenge" hook. The fact that she is still with him proves that women want what they can't get easily.
Lovegod Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Wow, this thread got amputated. 4givrnt4gtr, let's kiss and make up
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 wow what happened to my response? why did it get cut? alright Lovegod ill make up with u
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 It is also clear that he has her dangling on the "challenge" hook. The fact that she is still with him proves that women want what they can't get easily. Funny cuz thats what my professor said last night (group therapy class...gotta love it). She said what is keeping me in this is that feeling people who go to vegas get...the "aaaalmost got it..maybe onnne more time and Ill hit the jackpot"... sad sad days
Dexter Morgan Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Could someone PLEASE point out where this guy has treated her like garbage? I'd say her finding out he sexually texts other girls behind her back qualifies quite nicely.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 well, I did it I broke it off...he sorta force me to do it online... and I am sooooo glad its over. He confessed he wasnt in love with me. Thats all i needed to know... I deserve soo sooo much better
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