Queeny Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I am new to this and this will be my first post. I am not married but in a 4 year relationship with my live-in boyfriend. We have a 2 year old daughter. Recently my boyfriends high school sweet heart contacted him via facebook, he went on to ask for her to call him, he also told her many things that make me wonder about his commitment to me. He told her that he will never be married, that what we have is an illusion among other things. I always tell him he lives in the past, he is always nostalgic about his high school days and times. It makes me sick. It seems to me that he still has feelings for this girl. Their relationship ended when she dumped him, and it seems that he never got over that. Any thoughts?
quankanne Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 excuse me? An illusion of a relationship when you've got a little one together? Sounds like your honey is living in la-la land and has no intention of finding his place in the real world ... how old is he, and has he done anything since high school to help him see that his teen years really aren't all that … OR a bag of chips?
Author Queeny Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 he is 25, i always tell him he is in lala land. i guess those years were the best years of his life and he is stuck there. he told me he communicated with her because he had some unfinished business with her, but like i told him. If you dont care about some one anymore and you are trully over that relationship, you ignore them when they contact you, or you simply greet them politely, but you do not get frantic and spend hours messaging them. i guess its true what they say that men want what they cant have. or in this case he wants the girl that broke his heart.
quankanne Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 my first boyfriend was like that – he was still hung up on some red-headed chick he'd worked with years before, she could do anything she wanted, including hurt him, and he still wanted her. several years after we stopped seeing each other, I heard he married her ... because he knocked her up while she was still married to another man. She got divorced, married him but as soon as their daughter was born, she divorced him, too. And he was STILL hung up on her. She died a few years back, but I never did ask how he was handling that ... I think in his case (and your SO's), he was more besotted by the idea of this chick than the reality of her, you know? I do know that he ruined more relationships with women because he refused to take her off the pedastal and most of the women he dated didn't want to have to deal with that. as cruel as it sounds, maybe it's time to make back-up plans, because until he starts living in reality, your SO has the capacity to ruin what you have together simply by refusing to deal with reality.
Author Queeny Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 incredible story you just told me, its like those type of men see the past through rose colored lenses and do not appreciate the present... you want to slap them and tell them to get over it and move on but its not that simple, there are back up plans, maybe when i leave he will mourn me and find more interest in me when i am unattainable... that's what it seems he does
silverbeamer Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I'm sorry to say but I can actually relate to your bf... years ago I split up with a guy that I was dating. I was crushed and truly never got over him even after 6-7 years. I dated other guys fairly seriously but everytime my EX would email me or text me I'd be so excited and would go right back to how I felt when I was with him. At one point I had even made up my mind that if my EX wanted me back I'd dump the guy I was dating... so like me it's possible that your man is simply not over her. One really great thing about your story, however, is the fact that you KNOW about her. He's not keeping her a secret... you know that he's been messaging her and you know the story behind it. There was a psych on Oprah (he wrote a book called Truth About Cheating) and his main message is that if the 'other person's' name is brought up it's much less likely that this will become a cheating situation. Don't get me wrong- I think flirting is a form of cheating especially if you're in a committed relationship with him but you know it's going on. Can you check his email or have access to his facebook? Go ahead and read it if you're prepared to see good or bad. Life is full of decisions... today is your day to make a huge decision. Will you be happy just dating him forever? He doesn't ever want to get married-- is that ok with you? The only thing in life that you can control is how you react to what other people say/do... it's time for you to decide if his behavior is acceptable or not.
Author Queeny Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 I can also relate to him in a sense, my EX with whom I was with on and off for 3 years and who I walked out on with no warning or reason 5 years ago has always found a way to contact me through out the years... BUT I always have made it clear to him that I am not interested in him in any way... I have never found it hard to dismiss and ignore this EX of mine... I do not have any feelings for him... that is the reason why I cant bring myself to understand how my current boyfriend could be so nostalgic and still hold on to feelings from so long ago.... This is totally unacceptable to me... but I am in a bind... we live together and it is not that easy to just walk out. He is very hard headed and learns things the hard way, when it is too late. He's never IN THE MOMENT, his mind is always else where... the guy has issues and there is nothing I can do about that. Im trying to change my approach to him, Im going to make myself a bit more unaccesible and make him wonder, maybe then he will get his head out of the clouds and pay me attention.
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