Johnny Introspective Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Hello all, I'm hoping I can find some advice here. There's some hisory behind all this, but I'll try and keep it simple to begin with. 1. My current GF and I have been in together for almost 8 1/2 years now. 2. Before that, I was married for nine years, which ended in divorce and left me scarred. 3. For the past few years, things have been strained in the relationship because of my inability to open up fully. 4. During that time, my GF has been gathering anger toward me because of #3. 5. A week ago, she told me that she has managed to tame the anger, but to do that, she had to take us out of the "couple" classification. 6. I am of course devestated, feeling abandoned and thrown to the curb, my guts ripped out. I never thought I'd feel this pain again. 7. She says she wants to redfine what we are to each other. She has stated that she is unsure if she wants it to completely be over, but her number one priority (for her) is not having the anger. She says that if we are a couple, she will have the anger. She is only focused on being angry right now. 8. We are seeing a counselor tomorrow, to help us with direction. I have accepted my role in what has happened, and accepted responsibility for my mistakes. I am hoping that there is some sort of way that we can still be together (though not as a couple to begin with) and hopefully return to something better. I do not want her to be hurt by her own anger. I respect that. I'm thinking of proposing goals and tangible benchmarks that can be measured for progress. Am I crazy to think that we can do something like this? We don't want the other out of our lives. I still love her very much, but I have been unable so far to fully be there. She says she still loves me and has never had a closer connection with anyone, ever. I recently spoke with my ex-wife and took a huge scary step that enabled me to completely close the door on the relationship. It was a step I took for me, but also for the future of my current relationship. Now that future looks very shaky. For the first time ever, I feel like I can toss aside all fears and be open for her. But I also know that she does not trust me, because I have been unable to do that so far. I can provide further details of any of these points if needed. I appreciate any thoughts or advice you may have.
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 It's really very simple. You - not your previous relationships and experiences - are in charge of, and in control of you. hard to hear as it may seem, we permit our past lives to govern how we behave act and re-act, because it's a great prop - a wonderful excuse.... "I'm like this because of....I can't help it." yes you can. It's your choice. The way you think, speak and act, are all products of choices you make. I know our past is an influence, I'm not saying it isn't. But we can either choose to let it hold us back, or permit the experience to help us develop and grow and propel us forward. you have consistently done the former. Change tack, before it's too late.
Author Johnny Introspective Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 I know our past is an influence, I'm not saying it isn't. But we can either choose to let it hold us back, or permit the experience to help us develop and grow and propel us forward. you have consistently done the former. Change tack, before it's too late. Geishawhelk, Thanks for the reply. I know I have done the former. I fully accept my actions. I now grapple with the consequences. Is what I am asking out of the realm of possibility? Is it a pipe dream? To try and work on making things better but at the same time respecting her need to not have all-consuming anger?
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Well, just as you are grappling, and accepting, so must she. But it sounds to me (and I know nothing of either of you, nothing at all!) that she's kind of putting the responsibility of her train of thought, line of thinking, 'out there' on "Anger". 'Taming the anger', 'taking us out of the couple situation'.... All separate things, all 'objects' to be observed... almost as if by putting them 'out there' she doesn't in fact have to deal with them 'directly' at all.... Does that make any sense? As I said, I am completely ignorant and in the dark here, about you two as people, with lives, with history..... If you're stepping up to the plate, then she has to as well.... She has to claim it to cure it. You either deal with this as a problem relevant to you both, or discuss like a mediocre piece of art hanging in a gallery. You must 'suck up' what's yours - but she has to suck up what's hers, too.... Good luck with tomorrow.
Author Johnny Introspective Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 'Taming the anger', 'taking us out of the couple situation'.... All separate things, all 'objects' to be observed... almost as if by putting them 'out there' she doesn't in fact have to deal with them 'directly' at all.... No, what she wasn't dealing with was having the anger, and not acknowledging it. She doesn't want it, but held on as long as she could in the hopes that things would be better. We've been stuck in a cycle where her anger would come to a head, then I would step up a bit to do my part, but then I wouldn't keep it up. Then it would happen again. And again. I admit I was taking things for granted and not as seriously as I should have. There was always one side of my brain that knew I had to do all I could, but the fear always won out. I am so sorry for this. I always claimed that I was not doing this intentionally, but her response was always that I am making a choice to NOT make things better by staying where I was within me. She's absolutely right on that. You either deal with this as a problem relevant to you both I am hoping this is the direction we can take, but it sounds like she's removed herself from the equation already. Thanks for your reply.
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