How can he say just get over it or else

[beyondsad]

It has been 6 weeks and I am trying so hard to forget his EA with 2 women that went on for over a year. He called and text them up to 20xs a day. One of them sent me a letter to check his phone calls and my world fell apart that day. Since he has promised it is over with them and he is being so nice to me but I can't keeep my mouth shut with ny insecurities and he said it has to stop or he is going to leave me because he is not going to live like this. Since I found out I have been beyond sad now on depression meds and trying so hard to cope . How do I get my mind to stop. I feel so ugly and non -attractivce but I he keeps telling me I am trying to hard to and worrying about my looks, clothe makeup hair and feeling insecure has got to stop. How do I make myself feel better. When he says he is going to leave me it totally freaks me out and I beg him to stay and promise I will be normal. I am educated, independent and know that I am not unattractive but yet I FEEL horrible about my self. Does anyone have any suggestions

[JackJack]

Is this your husband or b/f?

 

First of all DO NOT beg him to stay if he says he is going to leave. That is his attempt to control you. HE is the one that has done wrong, not with just one woman, but two. Sounds like a real winner there! Anyway, how about counseling for the both of you or even individual counseling to help you? He can't expect you to just forget about what has happened and not expect you to be upset and hurt. The next time he wants to trhow out the "I'm leaving" card, perhaps you should say, "OK, bye."

[Geishawhelk]

The one who has the hard work in proving himself reliable, is Him not You.

he is untrustworthy and deceitful.

 

I remember Dr. Phil tackling this very question, when a guy asked him how long he was supposed to put up with his wife's "insecurities, mistrust and low self-esteem... he'd had 6 affairs in 4 years!

 

Dr Phil told him, really sternly:

 

"As long as it takes. THis is your damage to repair, not hers."

"Well, it's really hard to deal with every day, you know...."

"Well suck it up buddy - one year or one lifetime, it's your job, not hers. until she's happy, it's all up to you to do whatever it takes!"

 

pass it on -

 

You go girl!

[Owl]

Great advice so far.

 

Seriously, its all on the money.

 

Now...go get the "proof" to explain this to him. Go pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.

 

And...INSIST (don't ask, don't beg...INSIST) on marriage counselor, with a counselor of YOUR choosing. It needs to be someone who is pro-marriage, who has a good track record for recovering marriages from infidelity.

 

They've got to be able to tell you at a high level what they're normal "plan" is to do this.

 

If they can be a 'marriagebuilders' based counselor, even better. Take a look at marriagebuilders.com (BUT AVOID THE FORUM) for a way to track down counselors in your area that use their program.

 

If all goes WELL...with work and effort on your part and your husbands...it typically takes a MINIMUM...A MINIMUM...of two years for a marriage to recover from the damage done by a cheating spouse. Longer if both parties aren't working at it.

 

This isn't a sprint...its a marathon. He needs to realize that HE IS the one responsible for the state you're in, the state your marriage is in...and its HIS JOB TO FIX IT.

 

Look at those resources...keep posting here. It should be a decent start.

[beyondsad]

Thanks for the reply - We have been married for 13 yrs 2 boys and had a great life. The EA took me by surprise and believe me the rational side of me knows I shouldn't beg him to stay and apologize for being insecure but the emotional side is winning right now. In some ways I think he reallly wants out but he says he loves me and he is sorry he just doesn;t want to deal with a crazy wife. I have always been the problem solver and take care of everything kinda wife. He wants his asertive outgoing wife back and I feel like that person is gone. The small things I just can't let go and then they come out in a way that really pisses him off and he is ready to bolt with any confrontaion. I sound so wimpy and that has not been me in the past but it is now. We tried counseling a few times and he feels that he is ok but I am the one floundering. Yoga helps a little but I just can't seem to turn my mind off. I see the OW almost everyday driving around town and it just kills me. Her husband has filed for divorce and I hear she is not doing so well financially. The bitch of the matter is our kids ho to the same school and I will never be free from running in to her. I want my life back and I want to control my emotions but at this point I really just suck at everything.

[PandorasBox]

"Get over it or else."

 

Is his way of NOT dealing with what HE has done, and an attempt at controling the situation by making YOU feel bad for HIS choices.

 

He wants you to just let it go, and not bring it up again, that way he feels he is off the hook for his actions.

 

I agree about the counseling.

[Dexter Morgan]

It has been 6 weeks and I am trying so hard to forget his EA with 2 women that went on for over a year. He called and text them up to 20xs a day. One of them sent me a letter to check his phone calls and my world fell apart that day. Since he has promised it is over with them and he is being so nice to me but I can't keeep my mouth shut with ny insecurities

 

 

Those are insecurities you have because you have an untrustworthy partner.

 

 

and he said it has to stop or he is going to leave me because he is not going to live like this.

 

I'd let him leave. he's an #$%#hole anyway. He engages in an EA(and probably a PA, you just don't know it) and he expects you to just get over it?

 

That shows right there he isn't a man worth keeping. So if he says it again, tell him to pack his bags and get out.

 

Is this your H or BF? If BF, kick him out. If husband, call his bluff and tell him to start packing. And if he isn't bluffing, then good riddance.

 

 

Since I found out I have been beyond sad now on depression meds and trying so hard to cope . How do I get my mind to stop. I feel so ugly and non -attractivce but I he keeps telling me I am trying to hard to and worrying about my looks, clothe makeup hair and feeling insecure has got to stop.

 

does the guy not realize that you are insecure because of his untrustworthy ways? He should be on his knees thanking you for not leaving his sorry butt rather than taking some macho alpha male stance and telling you to get over it.

 

 

How do I make myself feel better. When he says he is going to leave me it totally freaks me out and I beg him to stay and promise I will be normal.

 

Oh honey, there is the problem right there. He knows he has you wrapped around his finger. He messes around, and you beg HIM to stay?? he must have the head a size of a watermelon right now.

 

Take control of your life and realize you don't need this jerk. I know you probably think he is the only man that will love you, but it just aint so. There are plenty of men out there that will treat you with love and respect. You won't get that with a sorry excuse for a man like this.

 

 

I am educated, independent and know that I am not unattractive but yet I FEEL horrible about my self. Does anyone have any suggestions

 

Maybe the next time he tells you to get over it, you just simply need to become enraged and start packing his bags for him, open the door and tell him to get out. Tell him you don't need an untrustworthy louse like him.

 

Take control of your life. You don't need someone like this in it.

[beyondsad]

thanks for the reply- I appreciate the support! I feel I have two parts to myself now the rational and emotional and they can't seem to get together. Wanting him to stay is everything to me and it is not about thinking I could not get another man it is more about the depths of how much I love him and not wanting him to walk away from us. He is a very non-confrontational guy no yelling no drama in the past and I know that he wants to just move on and forget the A but me being me I dwell on everything. I truly want to move on and just stop thinking about it and be happy. If he wanted to be with the OW he could have very easily but he says he doesn't and has had NC at all. I don't want to push him away because knowing his personality me getting over it and quickly is the only way we can work this out. Sounds easy but it is alot harder than I thought. has anyone tryed hypnosis to remove negative thoughts or any meditaion. Thanks again for the reply's

[PandorasBox]

This last post sounds almost like now you're justifying his behavior.

 

Don't take up for him. He might be this or that to you and have some good qualities, but don't excuse inexcusable behavior. Suggestions were given to you about counseling, is that an option for you both or at least for you?

[Geishawhelk]

.....has anyone tryed hypnosis to remove negative thoughts or any meditaion.

 

This won't work until he agrees it's his responsibility to remove it.

The negative thoughts and emotions are not of your making, so you can't affect what is not yours in origin.

meditation will give you inner peace if you persevere and dedicate yourself to practice.

But working 'within' doesn't change what's 'without'.....

 

You might get shot with an arrow, but looking at the craftsmanship of the shaft, and how straight it is... the beauty of the finely-cut swan-quills... the colour and coldness of the forged iron arrowhead - do nothing to negate the fact that it's still stuck in your arm and it F**king well hurts.

[beyondsad]

thanks for being dead on - when I reread it does sound that way -yes I do need to keep going to the MC even if doesn't think he needs it. I sound so wimpy and I am sure acting that way I know that it is not my fault and he is the one who did this to me. I just don't or haven't got angry yet only sad and clingy which has never been me in the past. Of course he wants to act like it never happened and get on with our life because any other way he is confronted with what he did. He has cried and apologized and for the past 6weeks held me and tried to reassure me - he just thinks it should be over and done with and I want it to be also, but my emotions are truly in control of me still. Thanks agian

[jwi71]

thanks for being dead on - when I reread it does sound that way -yes I do need to keep going to the MC even if doesn't think he needs it.

 

Is he going? If not, then it isn't MC. And that should speak volumes.

 

One other point...if he feels he did no wrong then he will do it again. And why shouldn't he? In his mind, its ok (and you are both validating and enabling him and that behavior).

 

Keep posting and updating as you feel the need. And yes, go ahead and vent and rant at the SoB. I won't mind one bit.

[signedin2008]

It has been 6 weeks and I am trying so hard to forget his EA with 2 women that went on for over a year. He called and text them up to 20xs a day. One of them sent me a letter to check his phone calls and my world fell apart that day.

 

You're in denial if you think he is ONLY having an emotional affair when there are 20 texts per day going on for more than a month, let along one year. It's not hard to spend lunch time at some local motels or at one of their places.

 

I suggest that you get yourself and him tested for STDs. Do you really believe him that those are the only two affairs he had? You have to beg him to stay after he F around town with other women? Why is he having all the power when he was the one who cheated? How would he feel if you were the one who slept with some local men whom your husband bump into on a regular basis.

 

Find out why you're in denial that it was only an emotional affair and deal with it from there. And, don't allow him to have the power!

[2sure]

Oh Beyondsad....a year ago I was in your almost exact shoes. I can feel your pain right now, I remember it well.

 

We are getting past it, we are moving on and are happy. Initially my H told me the same thing. He f'd up, was sorry. etc. - and that I we had to stop relaboring it. Then he did it again. We talked. Again.

 

CONSEQUENCES. Until everyone involved in an affair is affected by it, and NOT JUST YOU - not a thing is going to change.

 

I will look at my old posts and see if I can find more specifics written out.

 

Stay with LS on this.

[Owl]

Oh Beyondsad....a year ago I was in your almost exact shoes. I can feel your pain right now, I remember it well.

 

We are getting past it, we are moving on and are happy. Initially my H told me the same thing. He f'd up, was sorry. etc. - and that I we had to stop relaboring it. Then he did it again. We talked. Again.

 

CONSEQUENCES. Until everyone involved in an affair is affected by it, and NOT JUST YOU - not a thing is going to change.

 

I will look at my old posts and see if I can find more specifics written out.

 

Stay with LS on this.

 

Exactly right.

 

CONSEQUENCES are what typically result in CHANGE.

 

If he suffers no consequences...he'll never change.

[sadintexas]

My xH did the same exact thing to me when I caught him in a PA. I went to IC and we went to MC together (he refused IC) and he quit after two sessions because the counselor wanted to start talking about HIS actions.

 

xH told me I had to get over it because he couldn't live with how I was feeling, it was bringing him down. This was after just a few weeks from D-day. I tried to suck it up and deal with it on my own.

 

On top of the effects of an already abusive relationship, this just further solidifed my feelings that I didn't count as much as he did, that I didn't have the right to have these feelings, and that I was somehow at fault for not being able to move on at the drop of a hat. I felt like I was impeding our progress because I was stuck with so much pain inside I wanted to die. Sad I know, but that's the toll a relationship like this can take.

 

I began to accept the blame for the affair and the blame for many of the problems thereafter. Of course, accepting the blame was something I did most of the time. I was conditioned to that after so many years of his abuse.

 

It took time for me to really see him for the selfish, uncaring, b***ard he really was. There's a lot more to the story that helped me open my eyes, but the bottom line is this...

 

If he has true remorse for what he has done, he will not pressure you now to just accept it and move on. He has caused you a tremendous amount of pain and he should accept responsibility for that and HELP YOU FIX IT! Anything less than that is completely unacceptable. You ARE NOT CRAZY for feeling the way you feel. You are absolutely entitled to be hurt, cautious, angry, suspicious, withdrawn, and any other feeling that you must have to work through this. It's a process, a long one at that, and you must deal with it properly to truly put it to rest.

 

My xH wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it, and he couldn't deal with having to look at actual consequences for his actions. It didn't jive with his self image. He was incapable of handling it like a mature adult that had made a mistake. One that was willing to investigate the cause and search for a solution to the problems. Why? Because it wasn't who is was inside. He was shallow and self centered.

 

Am I bitter? Actually no, not anymore. It's been many years and I have effectively moved on. Being so far removed from it now, I just can't believe that I went from who I was when I met him to who I was when I finally divorced him 2 years after D-day. It's emotional abuse, and I fear that you are a victim of that. Your story resonates with me, and I truly feel for you because I was once there.

 

I know this is going to sound harsh because you love him and don't want to lose him, but DO NOT take responsibility for his actions, and DO NOT let him control you this way. If he wants to leave let him go! I believe that his actions will never change, and you will not be in a happy marriage with this man until he accepts responsibility and experiences some emotional growth.

 

I'm sorry I rambled so much about my own experience. It just really struck a chord with me because if I knew then what I know now, I would have packed his things for him when he told me to get over it after only a few short weeks.

[beyondsad]

Thnak you so much for your imput and hearing what you went thru makes me feel less crazy. I want to believe him with all my heart and give him another chance - I know it sounds wimpy but neither one of us want to walk away - You all are so right in the fact he has to face what he's done and help me work thru it. After talking to him about this he seems to undersatnd if not accept that this is way harder that we expected to get thru. It is affecting everyone in our house because of how emotional I have been and still am. My oldest son has also lost patience with me and I had to have a heart to heart but he doesn't really understand either. Everyone wants the old mom and wife back and I don't feel she lives here anymore. Putting up a brave face and trying to act normal is sometimes impossible. I know that I am changed and I will always be on the look out for the next time but right now just keeping my emotiuons in check and trying to keep our lives together is an enormous job. Thanks again for all your imputs.

[Reggie]

I'm sorry your husband is so unevolved. You are only 6 weeks out, right? That is really early in the recovery game. Everything you are feeling is normal especially at this early stage. You will be yourself once again, but it is way to early to expect your confidence and self esteem to be anywhere near normal.

Your husband is not helping you, at all, it seems. He is not doing the work that he needs to do if he expects the relationship and you to heal. This slows your personal recovery.

I was dealing with an abusive, unremorseful spouse, much like the above poster. The abuse predated the affair and it was a sign of the type of person i was dealing with, a narcissist, I beleive.

In any case, the lack of remorse, the inability to apologize, the refusal to even admit what everyone in our circle of friends and our family knew with certainty(that she was having an affair), really impeded my recovery. But, once I filed for divorce and, eventually became divorced, things got better for me faster.

I still have some problems with confidence and self esteem. But, it is improving.

[sadintexas]

Reggie, you are so right about the inability to apologize. I can't count how many times he told me "Sometimes you have to apologize even if you know you weren't wrong just to smooth things over and help us get past this _______ insert problem of the day." Of course he wasn't speaking in general, he meant ME. I always apologized for everything. He apologized for nothing. I suspect (have to say suspect because he was never officially diagnosed, but you know) NPD. And I used to be a take the bulls by the horn, independent, fiesty kind of woman! At least I have found that woman again, and now I'm armed with the experience of that marriage.

 

To OP, I just want to reiterate that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and accept the pain he has caused you and allow you what you need to deal with it. If he does not, I don't foresee success in the recovery of the marriage. At least not without severe damage to YOU emotionally. You will be the one sacrificing yourself.

[Steve L]

his ego was being fed by these women. contrary to most beleifs, men dont typically engage in "emotional affairs" they are either screwing them or they are not attached. His crime, if you are sure this is all that he did, was flirting. He was wrong and was just doing it to immasculate himself. The problem is his attitude, Get Over It? Dunno what I would do i your shoes....Maybe a quick trial separation to get him back into check. Go stay at a motel for a couple of days. tell him you are safe in the form of a note, stating with a friend, preparing for your future, with or without him. He will probably freak!! dont you dare knuckle under to his pleas for at least a few days. Get some control back in this relationship, yeh its 50/50 until somebody screws up royally then they had better be prepared to eat some serious crow or face the consequences. If he doesnt react like I know he will, you are better off without him, he doesnt love you.

[DealingWDrama]

It has been 6 weeks and I am trying so hard to forget his EA with 2 women that went on for over a year. He called and text them up to 20xs a day. One of them sent me a letter to check his phone calls and my world fell apart that day. Since he has promised it is over with them and he is being so nice to me but I can't keeep my mouth shut with ny insecurities and he said it has to stop or he is going to leave me because he is not going to live like this. Since I found out I have been beyond sad now on depression meds and trying so hard to cope . How do I get my mind to stop. I feel so ugly and non -attractivce but I he keeps telling me I am trying to hard to and worrying about my looks, clothe makeup hair and feeling insecure has got to stop. How do I make myself feel better. When he says he is going to leave me it totally freaks me out and I beg him to stay and promise I will be normal. I am educated, independent and know that I am not unattractive but yet I FEEL horrible about my self. Does anyone have any suggestions

 

First of all, I have not read anyone else's response....so forgive me if I am repeating anyone....

 

His actions at your feelings show that he is feeling guilty for being caught, but is in no way remorseful to you. I think He is involved in more than an emotional affair - the other woman sent you a letter to check his phone...probably because she was giving the ultimatum to leave you or loose her...he is not done with this other woman. AND let me tell you from experience, just because he no longer has stuff on his phone doesn't mean he doesn't have a second or separate phone that you do not know about.

Do your digging....get your information...check credit cards, checking accounts, savings accounts, go back the past year and see if you can pick up on patterns - men are so predictable!!!!

Now, while you are digging for information - STOP moping around him...smile at him when he gets home...dress to the hilts...look, dress, and act like you are the most desireable chick on earth. Do not cry in front of him....act like you are fine and are moving on with your life...start a new hobby - go to the library, start fishing, something....

and once you discover that he is still being dishonest with you....

Pack his shyte and show him the door. I'm not saying divorce him - I'm saying you back his stuff, leave it by the door for him and tell him when he wants to be a husband he is welcome to live in your home with you as a wife...but until that time he can go play with his whores. Make sure you have a friend there when you do this....because it hurts a lot and REALLY hurts after the shock of you doing it in the first place wears off...give it a good 4 months...he'll be crawling back....or he won't....either way you will not be a doormat.

[DealingWDrama]

Reggie, you are so right about the inability to apologize. I can't count how many times he told me "Sometimes you have to apologize even if you know you weren't wrong just to smooth things over and help us get past this _______ insert problem of the day." Of course he wasn't speaking in general, he meant ME. I always apologized for everything. He apologized for nothing. I suspect (have to say suspect because he was never officially diagnosed, but you know) NPD. And I used to be a take the bulls by the horn, independent, fiesty kind of woman! At least I have found that woman again, and now I'm armed with the experience of that marriage.

 

To OP, I just want to reiterate that he has to accept responsibility for his actions and accept the pain he has caused you and allow you what you need to deal with it. If he does not, I don't foresee success in the recovery of the marriage. At least not without severe damage to YOU emotionally. You will be the one sacrificing yourself.

 

The Five Languages of Apology - check it out...it's by Gary Smalley...put it on the back of toilet...he'll read it if you take away everything else in there to read....of course, tell him you purchased a book you are reading about apologizing because you want to better your relationship...actually read it - but keep it in the restroom on the commode.

[Dmoney28]

Hello,

im really sorry you are going thropugh this nightmare. I'm not married, so my opinon wont mean a illl of beans. I cheated on my GF. And it took me a good 3 weeks to accept my guilt...release it..then become remorseful. Time apart allowed me to reflect over my general attitude. I realizeed what a horribe person i was going outside my relationship. I realized the pain, turmoil and betryal of trust i caused. I vowed to turn my life around...with or with out her. I learned alot about my self and personality flaws. I took every prefessional and moral oppurtunity of help i could. And the book "5 languages of apology" was a great book. So in my opinoin (once again i not married, just a LTR) he has to be without you, for a period of time. This gives you time to get some healing through the 5 stages of guilt and think clearly...and time for him to start showing remorseful and attempt to start earning trust. Maybe you can stay with family til he realizes the chaos he created. if e loves you, he'll do anything to change that un-repentful attitude, and start loving you the way he should have always loved you. Good luck and stay strong.

[beyondsad]

I kinda feel I should change my name from beyondsad to muchbetter! We did have a few days in the beginning apart when he decided he couldn't live without us and came home. My H is a internalizer and not a great talker. He has said how sorry, MC and all the apologizing and now with me on meds and not talking about A and him being wonderful to me it has gotten alot better. I still think of the OW and want to beat her ass but not so frequently. This has been by far one of the most painful things to get thru but I have and still am. It is so weird that he could hurt me so bad but I still love him so much. He has made his cell, whereabouts etc an openbook and until I find something different I am going to try and be happy. IF this happens again though it wil be a different story and I have promised myself , him and the kids his ass is out forever and there wil be no going back so it is all up to him from this point. Thanks for all the comments