Mark2134 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Hi everyone, I'll be as quick as I can! Basically, I'd been in a very long distance relationship with this girl for 3 months..until yesterday. Things were going great, we would talk every day on video call for 4 hours on average, we have loads in common and fell head over heels for each other very quickly. Or so I thought! We had mentioned how long it would be before we could be together, and she said, and I quote 'I'll wait forever for you'. Now to me, when a girl says that, not that its often, I believe it, as I would never say that if I didn't truly mean it. She has told me how she had been heartbroken in the past, and how she hoped I would never do anything like that to her, and I promised I wouldn't, as I thought we were meant for each other. She was really sweet and funny and we got on amazingly. Then, from last Saturday, I hadn't had any contact with her, so I sent her a text on Monday asking if she was around to talk online etc.. and she replies that she was at a friends and she'd be home late.. So I thought ok fair enough, then Tuesday went by with no contact, and I began to get a feeling that not everything was right. Then, last night, she comes online and goes; 'Hey, I need to talk to you', and I knew what was coming. Then she just said 'I can't do this...I'm back with my ex' I was just completely floored, and it felt like my blood was running cold, she said it in such a way that I was being chucked in the trash. I didn't know what to say to that, and she said 'I know you hate me, so i'm going to go now'...I tried to ring her but she said she couldn't speak to me as she didn't have the guts..I asked again and she agreed. I rang and she told me the same thing on the phone, no crying, nothing. She told me how her ex boyfriend of 2 yeas (they hadn't been together for 9 months or so) had rung her and told her he loved her and wanted her back, she said yes. She then said she wanted me to hate her so it would be easier. I asked how she could have told me she loved me like crazy and how we had talked about marriage in the future..she just replied with 'I thought I loved you'...So for me, this is too confusing. How can someone lie everyday for months saying they love someone, when in actual fact, they don't. Was she in love with the idea of me? I don't get it. I do have a confession to make though. I did come on too strong, I may have been a bit needy, telling her I loved her slightly too much etc.. but I was convinced she felt the same way, it's like I've woken up from a dream. I can't get over how something so perfect could go so wrong. It's not as if I was reading too much into it, she seemed genuinely infatuated with me. But I guess I wasn't what she wanted after all. And she went back to the guy that broke her heart, after saying she never would. I just want anyone out there to give me some advice on why girls do this, was I an experiment, was it that I came on too strong? How can someone turn feelings like that off, and lie about being crazy in love with me and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together?? I'm losing my faith in ever finding a decent girl, and it's very depressing. Please, maybe I'm an idiot, but I need some words of advice. Thank you.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I'm going to guess your ex was dumped by her ex prior to you. Now, if they broke up fairly recently, its possible you were a rebound. She wanted to be in love again so badly that after less than three months she was promising to wait for you forever. Did she mention her ex a ton? If she did, she probably was not over him just yet.
GoGators2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Cliffs: - in a relationship for 3 months - Long distance via video phone...yikes Move on. It's not even worth the time and effort.
FF84 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Cliffs: - in a relationship for 3 months - Long distance via video phone...yikes Move on. It's not even worth the time and effort. That's a pretty awful and inconsiderate thing to say. It might not seem much to you but it clearly meant a lot to him and the guy is in pain. Moving on isn't an option right now, in time yes, but it's not what he needs to hear. He's confused and lost. It's hard to know what to say as i'm in a similar boat. It hurts when you think it's going somewhere only to have that dream taken from you at a point where things were seemingly going great.
Chinook Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Hi Mark It hurts at the moment but it will get better. Firstly, she's been honest with you at the very least about why she broke up with you. She hasn't given you the run around and faded without a trace (trust me, I've seen that on this board plenty of times). She needed a little time to figure things out and to tell you. She could have avoided it, but she didn't. Secondly, I also think you were probably her rebound. Normally this occurs if the new relationship develops within a short period of time since the prior relationship ended. But, that said... don't underestimate the role of the 'rebound guy/girl'. It hurts like hell of course it does, but also this person is responsible for allowing the other person to rebuild themselves. In your case, IMHO your girl has taken a step backwards. But if it works out for her... then maybe that's not so bad. Of course you won't feel that at the moment, but you will in the future. Thirdly, she wants you to hate her and be angry because she feels bad, because she knows how hurt you are. That says alot about you... and it says alot about her. She DID care about you in the moments that she gave you. No one can take those moments away from you. Trust me, in the days to come... you WILL become angry and you quite possibly will pass through moments when you will hate her. But those are phases of the grieving process. You're going through the grieving process and it takes time. For now, if I were you... I would say to you that the only way you will heal is if you don't have any contact with her at all. I'm all for being friends with an ex partner at some point, but not right now. Put some distance between you for now, allow yourself to heal. Google 'relationship breakup' and it will give you lots and lots of practical advice on what kinds of things to do to fill your time. But mentally, you have to go through the gamut of emotions which are coming your way. Remember, it's okay, it's normal. Remember, there's nothing wrong with you. Remember, she walked away from you because of something within her, unresolved issues with her ex, still being in love with her ex etc... she didn't do it because there was something wrong with YOU. Remember that.
Hersheys Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Believe someone only if you've actually been and spent time with her for quite a while and has experienced some highs and lows of life WITH her. She was never really yours. She was just like an online fixation for you. Completely ignore and forget this girl. She played with your emotions and messed up your head. 3 months isn't too long BUT still that was 3 months of your time and energy wasted. You could have met someone within your world - your work place, your school, your favorite bar in 3 months! What you can do is to benefit out of this situation. Learn from this experience that meaningful and lasting relationships are mainly based on actions and being together and not on words.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Believe someone only if you've actually been and spent time with her for quite a while and has experienced some highs and lows of life WITH her. She was never really yours. She was just like an online fixation for you. Completely ignore and forget this girl. She played with your emotions and messed up your head. 3 months isn't too long BUT still that was 3 months of your time and energy wasted. You could have met someone within your world - your work place, your school, your favorite bar in 3 months! What you can do is to benefit out of this situation. Learn from this experience that meaningful and lasting relationships are mainly based on actions and being together and not on words. I agree and disagree with this! I dated a guy for 2.5 yrs, the last two being long distance, and heavily "online" or over the phone. We saw each other each month, for 3-5 days at a time... I kind of feel like your statement undermines the hurt I'm feeling over our breakup. You make valid points about dating someone from the area, but saying someone was never really yours, just an online fixation? Thats a bit painful. Low blow indeed. ;p At least for me to read that! Definitely without the internet it wouldn't have worked, I became chained to my laptop as a result... but still, harsh words.
Hersheys Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Hi tokyovogue! I didn't mean to undermine what you're going through. Sorry about that. Yours lasted for several years and had a real relationship whereas, the OP's was for only 3 months. There is a huge difference. I was referring to the OP's situation. I'm of the impression that they never spent actual time with each other as the relationship was based heavily on online video call. For the kind of relationship they had, the girl let out some big words which the OP should have taken as a red flag. "I will wait for you forever". Who in his/her right mind will say that in a 3-month video call/LDR relationship?
Eyeofthoth Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Be happy it only took three months. I was with my ex for 20 months before he suddenly decided he had to go "finish" something from a previous relationship -- and we were together in person! I still sit here, four and a half months post break-up, and think -- well, is he finished with that other thing yet, and when is he coming back . . . I'm not waiting on purpose, in fact, I am very purposefully trying not to wait, but the whole thing was so nonsensical to me that I just can't put it into any rational scheme that I can work with . . . So I do N/C and try to move on as much as I can. There isn't any other choice. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wanted to let you know that it is not only girls who do this. Guys do it too. People are all confused when it comes to love. Try to forgive her since she never meant to hurt you. And tell yourself every day what a strong, courageous and noble hearted person you are for doing that.
Recommended Posts