Coping

[lonelygurl]

Thinking about breaking up with my partner sends me into panic attacks. Why is it so hard? I've been trying to get things to a better place but it doesn't seem to be working and I'm getting exhausted. I've been sick for almost a month now so my energy level has been greatly decreased.

 

What do you do when you feel your relationship is slipping away?

 

I’ve been back with my b/f for three years. We were together for over three years the first time and he said he needed time alone, which actually meant he had a new g/f. Six months later he came calling saying he’d made a terrible mistake. I decided to try again, but honestly I have had trouble feeling as in love with him like I did the first time. I think in the back of my mind I wonder when he will do this again, or if he is already on some of the disgusting websites he had been on before looking for sex. He seems to only know how to connect with sex and not the emotional side

 

I’ve also been dealing with severe depression and an anxiety disorder for about nine months. My anxiety gets so bad I can’t do much. Lately I’ve been feeling better with the help of medications and therapy, and have been trying to reconnect with my b/f but he seems so cold and closed off

 

It’s like he can’t help me emotionally. We always had a great sex life, but as sex waned for awhile he appears no longer interested. I have also gained a lot of weight, but not sure that is the issue. His x/wife and some of his previous g/f’s were bigger than me. I worry he may be up to more than I know. Little changes are starting to pop up too, such as now changing the way he does he facial shave.

 

I don’t know what to do. I feel so emotionally empty, lonely and scared.

 

 

He no longer wants to cuddle, if I try he will for a minute but then needs to get up. He rarely tells me he loves me, only if I say it first. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should keep trying to reconnect or consider having him move out. This is causing me so much more anxiety, the unsureness of what to do and also the loneliness if he is gone. But sometimes I feel with not having the closeness it is bad anyways.

 

When I try to do stuff he either pushes me away or gets up to do something.

 

I’ve started reading the book Men who can't love: when a man's fear makes him run from commitment (and what a smart woman can do about it) by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.

 

I do believe in some ways he doesn’t know how to maintain a long term relationship; he had probably dozens of very short term relationships before me. This time around within three months he bought me a beautiful engagement ring

[popey]

Well, if you have emotional needs that your partner cannot meet, this can spark depression. And if you are depressed, and he doesn't know how to handle it, this can make him feel, frustrated and inadequate, which can spark depression in him. This can also cause him to further shut down. Then it snowballs.

 

In some cases, I think this is just a hopelessly doomed relationship of ill-matched people unfortunately. IMO, if your relationship can be a happy and fullfilling one, its not likely to be achieved by you alone reading a book and going to therapy to learn how YOU can fix it. It probably needs the two of you working together.

[frd150]

Hello Lonley girl. Im sorry you are going through this and I really mean this. In brief I was sorta on the other end of this situation with one exception. It was a long while ago but basically what happened was she and I became comfortable in our situation. Up until a few months before the break up I thought everything was fine. The problem up until then was communication. I didnt see the signs and she did not openly express that she was unhappy. So, she started recieving calls at all hours from an old flame/aquaintance whatever. I asked and asked for her to put a stop to it but she claimed it was nothing and it persisted. It wore on me and that gave her the final push. Sorta a paradox. She ended up leaving me for the BIG reason that I was detaching.BTW i was not prowling on disgusting sites looking for sex;).

 

 

Soo, Have you sat him down to let him know how you feel? A real talk? If i had known that the end was near then I would have done whatever I could but I was not a mind reader and besides those calls from the other guy she acted like everthing was fine. If he is not responsive after saying your peace then it may be time to pull the plug and move on.

 

Communication is key but you can only do what you can. If you choose to leave at least you know you made your feelings known and he had his chance so to change.

[lonelygurl]

thank you for the advice.

I guess I am feeling worn down of trying again. I can't keep trying if he isn't going to make an effort and now at this point it is becoming more about money for me.

There are things I will miss but I'm not getting my needs met and what's the point of talking. We've been down this road before and the talking never worked.

Thanks for the input though!