Danger of being the rebound guy?

[Fraggle]

I met this girl a week or so ago from an online site. Things seemed to go well in first couple meetings. However she was living with her ex for a few years up until only ~2 months ago. Apparently they broke up earlier, but I don't know how much earlier.

 

Anyway, while I've been getting some positive indicators physically (hell, we've made out already), she seems to be a bit emotionally guarded. As a result, I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.

 

Granted I don't know her that well yet, but I'm wondering if I should back off a bit before I get too attached. After all, there are other ladies out there and I don't want to wind up in a dead end.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Sleep with her and let some of her chemicals rub off on you so you become more attractive to other women that you are well within your rights to see because she's giving you mixed signals.

 

This way, if you're the rebound guy - win! If you're not - win!

[Touche]

Ignore the nonsense above.

 

I met my H 14 years ago...3 days after I left my ex-husband. I'm sure I sent my H mixed signals too. But he hung in there and won me over.

 

You know how he did it? Because I too was very emotionally guarded. He put NO pressure on me whatsoever. He told me that he'd be happy just being my friend. (I know..I know..don't laugh but it was true.) He was true to his word and a real gentleman. He even offered to help me move when I was moving from my parent's place to my own after I moved to the area after my separation.

 

I told him I just wasn't ready for anything. He graciously accepted that and backed off.

 

After that, I thought I'd test him out and did call him after about a week. We started going out as buddies, playing pool, pizza dinners, etc. He never made a move. He remained my friend and a perfect gentleman.

 

Bottom line: I fell head over heels in love and we married 8 months later!

 

We're still happy after 14 years.

 

Just be patient and a gentleman. Just don't be a doormat about it. Let her know you're interested but don't be pushy. She's either going to completely fall for you or back the hell off.

 

Good luck!

[Fraggle]

Touche, I'm going to take it slow. I guess I'm just confused, because based on physical reactions, and from certain things she's said suggests she's interested in me at least on a physical level. But emotionally, I have no idea where she is at.

 

I guess I'm looking for more than just getting laid (how ironic!). Eh, I'll see where it goes. I have plans to see her this weekend so I'll take it easy and play it by ear.

[Touche]

Touche, I'm going to take it slow. I guess I'm just confused, because based on physical reactions, and from certain things she's said suggests she's interested in me at least on a physical level. But emotionally, I have no idea where she is at.

 

I guess I'm looking for more than just getting laid (how ironic!). Eh, I'll see where it goes. I have plans to see her this weekend so I'll take it easy and play it by ear.

 

You sound like a dear, Fraggle. Just like my sweet husband.

 

Just enjoy her company and don't put pressure on her, ok?

 

You'll know soon enough if she's interested or not.

 

Good luck!

 

Please tell us how it goes, ok?

[misternoname]

I can relate. My STBXW cheated, got caught, moved out and within two weeks met the man of her dreams and has been with him for 5 months despite too many incombatibilites to list.

 

I started dating shortly after she moved out. My goal was merely to fend off loneliness while she and I decided to divorce or reconcile.

 

I went through a string of women...I acted like a total player (which is against my nature). Lo and behold I met a lady that rapidly bacame a lot more than a time filler.

 

She had just come out of a messy break up as well. Hers was prior to mine so she was in a different place than me. I struggled with thoughts of my ex. It definitely caused some strain in my new relationship. Time is starting to fix that. I've come to realize that I wasn't in love with my ex just in love with a memory.

 

My new girlfriend is her opposite in so many ways. She's even tempered, kind, laid back and very attentive. My ex is not.

 

Makes the choice seem easy but it's not. My therapist says count on 12 to 18 months to get over the ex.

 

My advice is similar to the previous posters...take it slow, let her have her space, don't freak out when she has a weak moment and most importantly be her friend.

 

Time heals all wounds!

[didittomyself]

Ignore the nonsense above.

 

I met my H 14 years ago...3 days after I left my ex-husband. I'm sure I sent my H mixed signals too. But he hung in there and won me over.

 

You know how he did it? Because I too was very emotionally guarded. He put NO pressure on me whatsoever. He told me that he'd be happy just being my friend. (I know..I know..don't laugh but it was true.) He was true to his word and a real gentleman. He even offered to help me move when I was moving from my parent's place to my own after I moved to the area after my separation.

 

I told him I just wasn't ready for anything. He graciously accepted that and backed off.

 

After that, I thought I'd test him out and did call him after about a week. We started going out as buddies, playing pool, pizza dinners, etc. He never made a move. He remained my friend and a perfect gentleman.

 

Bottom line: I fell head over heels in love and we married 8 months later!

 

We're still happy after 14 years.

 

Just be patient and a gentleman. Just don't be a doormat about it. Let her know you're interested but don't be pushy. She's either going to completely fall for you or back the hell off.

 

Good luck!

 

Although I somewhat agree with Touche here as she is evidence that it can work out if you back off and be patient However I was recently the rebound myself and firmly believe that sometimes, it 's not work the risk. how can you tell you ask? you can't that's why it's a risk. I gambled and lost and got hurt in the process. I knew going into it, I was the rebound because I helped her get out of her past situation. I thought I could handle but in the end i was deer in headlights I saw the bus coming and just stood there.

 

My advice as I sit here licking my fresh wounds is to back off, a lot, don't be so concerned with how she feels protect yourself so as much distance as you can create to be safe but then what is a safe distance? i can't answer that either.

 

Be mindful of yourself, and protect your heart because it's tough to pick up the pieces. I haven't even found all of mine.

 

Be careful my friend.

I know you feel she' s worth and maybe she is. But as strong as you feel you are. even the strong can be brought to their knees. You can't control your emotions. They'll get the best of you. She probably has shown you all the good qualities you seek however because she is the mind frame she's in you could become collateral damage.. acceptable damage on her road to recovery.

 

That's my two cents.

[Fraggle]

Update time. We went out today and I had a feeling this was going to be the acid test. And it was, but not good.

 

We had a good ~10 hour date today. But right from the start it felt awkward. She seemed pretty closed off (actually she'd seemed that way from earlier this week when she broke another date). It was just weird. Previously we'd been touchy-feelie, physical contact and all that, but this date? Nada. Hell, even conversing with her seemed forced (it was very fluffy conversation).

 

At this point I'm thinking I might just cut my losses. I mean, I do like this girl and a number of her qualities. But at the same time, I just don't think there's a real spark here. I get the feeling from her (although we never broached the subject) that maybe we moved a bit to quick, she had second thoughts, and put the breaks on.

 

Is it worth trying to be her friend and see what happens? I really don't know at this point. I may wait a week, sleep on it and see what happens. If not, eh, other fish in the sea, right?