MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 It's my manager. We're going out of town together again. I'm afraid something will happen again. I don't know what the attraction is. Things just happen. I thought it was because of a few drinks but last time there was no drinking. There is no way out of these trips we take. He is married, and ten years younger than me. I think I need to be the mature one and stop things when they start "happening". I can see future disaster. I can see my bf finding out. We could lose our jobs, not that I'd have a hard time finding a new one, but I do love my job. My bf will be hurt when I break up - but not as hurt as he will be if he finds out. He is suspicious and asks alot of questions, hence my jealousy posts. I wish I could turn back the clock, like 4 years since I joined LS. I was too scared to post this, and started even lying to my fellow LS'ers . That's how bad it is now. I need help.
johan Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I think I need to be the mature one and stop things when they start "happening". I can see future disaster. I can see my bf finding out. We could lose our jobs, not that I'd have a hard time finding a new one, but I do love my job. You already know what you must do. Don't agonize over it. Do it.
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Just don't put yourself in a situation where you're tempted and alone with him. Just don't..You'll regret it!! Don't drink either, that way you have all your wits about you. STAY STRONG! YOU are in control here, not him. If he makes a move on you, walk away. Glad you posted, so keep posting!
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 We have separate rooms (of course) but my best bet would be to stay away from the hotel until late, like no reason we can't go for dinner and hang out at the bar (small town, nowhere to go). If we stay at the hotel, we'd want to hang out to go over notes for the next day and then like kids, we get all giggly and well, I do need to talk to him, because things have happened and we've never really "talked" about it, it just happens. I think if we really talk we will talk some sense into ourselves. There are two others from our office going to the same place, at a different time, but in the same hotel (I hope) so maybe I'll try and get them to hang with us. Next month there's another trip, just us two again, but I have relatives in that place, so that's a good reason to keep away, and I don't mind telling him that either.
popey Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 We have separate rooms (of course) but my best bet would be to stay away from the hotel until late, like no reason we can't go for dinner and hang out at the bar (small town, nowhere to go). If we stay at the hotel, we'd want to hang out to go over notes for the next day and then like kids, we get all giggly and well, I do need to talk to him, because things have happened and we've never really "talked" about it, it just happens. I think if we really talk we will talk some sense into ourselves. There are two others from our office going to the same place, at a different time, but in the same hotel (I hope) so maybe I'll try and get them to hang with us. Next month there's another trip, just us two again, but I have relatives in that place, so that's a good reason to keep away, and I don't mind telling him that either. you don't need to talk about things. you probably WANT to talk about it, but you don't need to. talk to the other 2 who are going and try to make a plan and reservation for dinner for the 4 of you. Then schedule a phone sex date w/ your bf to about 2 hrs after dinner for something fun. Don't drink. And be in your room, to take the call. If your mgr calls, texts or comes knocking- don't answer. Next day tell him you were asleep, but you are focusing on your relationship anyway and don't want to do anything again to jeopardize it.
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I used to have a person of whom I told myself I had "no control". It took 2 therapists and a mentor to help me realize what a crock of BS I was feeding myself, about that. OF COURSE you do have all the self-control that could ever be needed (same as I did, despite what I was telling myself.) It's just that you are making a choice to not exercise your self-control (same as I made the choice to not do that.) For some reason, it was easier to pretend that I had no control over the situation than to just admit that I found the guy extremely hot and plain enjoyed every aspect of what my "lack of self-control" forced me to experience with him. I'm still not sure why cos I wasn't involved with anyone else at the time -- my guess is that having a partner would probably make the whole "no self-control" story even more attractive to any person who felt an excuse was necessary.
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I used to have a person of whom I told myself I had "no control". It took 2 therapists and a mentor to help me realize what a crock of BS I was feeding myself, about that. OF COURSE you do have all the self-control that could ever be needed (same as I did, despite what I was telling myself.) It's just that you are making a choice to not exercise your self-control (same as I made the choice to not do that.) For some reason, it was easier to pretend that I had no control over the situation than to just admit that I found the guy extremely hot and plain enjoyed every aspect of what my "lack of self-control" forced me to experience with him. I'm still not sure why cos I wasn't involved with anyone else at the time -- my guess is that having a partner would probably make the whole "no self-control" story even more attractive to any person who felt an excuse was necessary. Agreed. Everyone has self-control, otherwise we'd all be obese individuals who were bombed out of our minds on a daily basis, on alcohol and drugs.
lkjh Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Maybe you don't want to be with your bf. Judging by your other post you seem pretty frustrated with him.
Ronni_W Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 otherwise we'd all be obese individuals who were bombed out of our minds on a daily basis, on alcohol and drugs. Nah! -- that's just you and me
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Nah! -- that's just you and me Let's not forget to stop paying the bills!
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I have to agree. The way smokers stop smoking, is ultimately through self-control. You can use all the gum, patches, therapy, assistance and counselling you want, but it only actually works if you yourself, never ever put a cigarette in your mouth ever again. Sorry to tell you this (and concurring completely with both Ronni and TrialbyFire... and the others too, I guess. ) Seems like you can resist everything except temptation.... Well guess what? It only takes a "Don't be so dumb, what the hell are you thinking - ?!?" thought, to stop yourself. Unless of course, you give into the "oh come on...one more time won't hurt....." line.... Liar.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 Maybe you don't want to be with your bf. Judging by your other post you seem pretty frustrated with him. I think you are right, but it still doesn't make sleeping with a married man right. I struggle with that because his wife seems like a lovely person (who hates sex) . I will choose to exercise my self-control. Okay, you won't believe what my bf did today. I attended my best friends grandmother's funeral and I called him after. He was very hurt that I didn't ask him to come. He sent me about a dozen texts about how I dont' know how to act in a relationship, and I want to be single, and we are a couple, and well maybe we should see other people, and oh he said this "if I have to remind you of what is right and what is wrong then maybe we should be single". Oh my god! the funeral is not about YOU bf! Part of me thinks he's now looking for an out. What do you think? I am so p'd at him right now.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I think he is right, most people would bring their bf/gf would of asked not only would their so accompany them, they would ask the friend if it were okay if that person could come with them. I know myself I would want to be there for her, even if I did not know the person. He may be looking for a way out, but he sounds like he has some real reasons to. Maybe some time apart is needed and you each talk to someone so that you can figure out what is wrong. DNR
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I don't know what the attraction is. Things just happen. If you are frustrated with your BF and doubting your R, you're sending signals out that people pick up on. If your manager is having marital issues (sounds like it), he and you are both vulnerable to those signals. It's normal; accept it and your feelings regarding it. It's part of being human. Now, what do you want? What do you think is healthy for you? Could you see yourself in a new job without a BF? Visualize that....what do you think?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 I can see myself in a different job, travelling to clients, working my own hours, because that is a standing offer I have if I ever leave the job I am in, so no worries there. I can be single, hell I'm still not divorced yet! I won't start worrying until I'm 55 and ready to retire and see the world, and maybe would like a companion. No big deal, I don't need a new husband yet, or anyone else's Of course there are signals! That's why we ended up misbehaving before. My bf said he wanted to be there for me (at the funeral) and I told him that I was there for my friends, and didn't need someone there for me. We had a conversation (or three) before about funerals...he said he's been to so many funerals in his life and has seen so many people die of cancer in his family - I just felt that if I asked he would have said 'what for? why would i go? I didn't know her... I've been to so many. blah blah blah' but maybe I'm wrong about that. He could have asked me too, I would have just said "if you want but I can go alone" plus it was far for him to drive. My parents came so not like I was alone and I knew lots of people. I have a sneaky feeling he is going to think I didn't ask him because my friends b-i-l would be there, and i have a past with him. That is SO not the reason. I never even thought he'd be there, but he was (with his gf and his ex wife LOL) We are email/text fighting now. I'll post in the dating forum. men!
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Whoa! So, you have a husband whom you're divorcing, a boyfriend whom you're e-mail/text fighting with, and a married manager with whom you are concerned about having an EA/PA. I see three men and one woman. Common denominator? I think my first instinct was good. Alone time I'm going to go with that....
Trialbyfire Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 No kidding. Get your head on straight woman, before you do damage to anyone else. To use a commonly used analogy on LS, some women are like monkeys. They won't let go of one branch until they have another. ALONE TIME!
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Why is it when many people do what they know what is wrong that they calm a lack of control? Newsflash, the things we do in the flesh are things that are first conceived in the mind. A person just don't hit someone because they want to hit someone, but the mind tells them to. A body just doesn't just stealing because it wants to, something within the person tells them to do so. So, if someone wants to have sex with a married man or woman, they were first willing to do so in their mind. The only exceptions are for those with mental problems or who have been drugged/mentally altered state. In short, stop lying to yourself, if your worried about screwing another woman's man (and you know he is), you are doing it because you want to. DNR
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 Not divorced officially but been separated for four years, just being lazy on the paperwork. Maybe I will try counselling my boss into being more attentive to his wife. And no, I don't mean showing him what to do, just talking to him and telling him that we can't do things anymore. Focus on work. Well the bf thinks a funeral is an "event" that couples should go to. yeesh. He couldn't even have gone "with" me because we are both over 30 min away from opposite ends. What is PA???
Trialbyfire Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Not divorced officially but been separated for four years, just being lazy on the paperwork. Maybe I will try counselling my boss into being more attentive to his wife. And no, I don't mean showing him what to do, just talking to him and telling him that we can't do things anymore. Focus on work. Well the bf thinks a funeral is an "event" that couples should go to. yeesh. He couldn't even have gone "with" me because we are both over 30 min away from opposite ends. What is PA??? No, you don't counsel him on anything. You maintain a professional distance. If you stay close to him, you'll be tempted. Here, let me put this in point form to you: You're not yet divorced.You've got a b/f.You're in lust with a married man.This married man is your boss, which means you're potentially affecting your career and job that's supporting you.Can I make it any more clear? Keep your distance if you want to make healthy decisions.
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 What is PA???EA= emotional affair (e.g. shared intimacies/flirtation/innuendo, etc) PA= physical affair (e.g. physical/sexual contact) Some affairs can have components of both. IMO, please leave the counseling to a professional MC (marriage counselor). You can, if the MM manager is persistent, propose to contact his W and clue her in
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 The MM once said to me "I'll pretty much never say no" So I think if I put a stop to it, and not let it happen, he may even be relieved. He knows his weakness. I know mine, we know each others. He would never be upset if I said no. In fact, I'm thinking maybe I kinda sorta initiated some of it. But he was pouring the drinks! I think. never mind. Oh, and it's strictly PA. We came close to kissing, and it was like yuck! But he left a neck bite, man I had to cover that one up for days!
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Don't get involved and don't become his shrink. That's a sure way of opening pandora's box.
Trialbyfire Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48723/ I just went back to your first thread on LS. You're a serial cheater. Do yourself a favour and get some deep therapy. I mean that sincerely. Something is broken inside you so you use affairs to supplement that emptiness.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 I know. I re-read my posts once in a while. Sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back about ten years... even five. But, I have a really good life. I love being independant, having my own money, my job, my own home, and not answering to anyone. When my BF tries to tell me how to "behave" I do the opposite. He's making such a big deal out of this funeral. Now he figures we won't ever go to any funerals together, he's making that the general rule. The world isn't black and white. He is so stubborn. I'll talk with him and let him know that I honestly don't think this is the right relationship for me, and I don't see us together forever - maybe I did at one time, but we've gotten to know alot more about each other, and my feelings have changed. But, this weekend is bad timing. I have a huge competition starting today and have to clear my head. He's coming to watch, and I'm staying at his place because it's an hour drive for me. So I have to be nice...don't worry, I will be nice, and I think we will remain as friends, at least for a while, mainly because of the kids and his inability to let go.... or maybe the break will just do us good, for a while. I dunno. and yes, been thinking a long time about counselling. I'm a procrastinator and my calendar is very full (no divorce yet, remember?) not sure if there is anyone good in this town to help me. But I will look. thanks my friends.
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