LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I'm 29 years old and HAVE NEVER tried online dating! Am I a minority? Every guy I have dated I have met either: 1) at school 2) bars 3) through friends 4) random places like the grocery store, coffee shops, bookstores, at the airport, etc. I guess I have always had the typical misconceptions about online dating: - very unnatural - no quality people - people have the "go back and online shop" syndrome instead of giving people a fair chance - people misrepresent themselves/otherwise dishonest about themselves - not for me - don't know how to proceed with it etc. etc. However, being the otherwise open minded gal that I am, I guess it would be unfair to assume all these things without giving it a proper go! And since I'm single, obviously meeting people the "natural" way hasn't resulted in me meeting Mr. Right...yet.....so....I don't know IF and WHEN I will try it, but I would like your opinions on online dating! 1. Has anyone met someone decent online where it resulted in a LTR? 2. Any advice I need to know when proceeding? 3. What are your views about online dating in general and the people on these sites? 4. Best, worst sites?? 5. Anything else you want to share!!! Thank you!!!
Fraggle Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 1. Has anyone met someone decent online where it resulted in a LTR? My first online date turned into a 2 year relationship. And a friend of mine just married someone he met online. So you never know... 2. Any advice I need to know when proceeding? Get from online to offline relatively quickly. Some people are chronic onliners, so the sooner you meet 'n greet, the sooner you'll know if someone is worth dating. However, use common sense (don't give out your phone # if you're not ready, meet in public place, etc). 3. What are your views about online dating in general and the people on these sites? Lots of normal people. Online dating is mainstream. 4. Best, worst sites?? I've only used Lavalife. It's not a bad site, although they apparently changed their old-school credits system to a monthly membership system. 5. Anything else you want to share!!! Good luck and have fun!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 My first online date turned into a 2 year relationship. And a friend of mine just married someone he met online. So you never know... Wow, I'm impressed! Get from online to offline relatively quickly. Some people are chronic onliners, so the sooner you meet 'n greet, the sooner you'll know if someone is worth dating. However, use common sense (don't give out your phone # if you're not ready, meet in public place, etc). I like that advice, to meet them relatively quickly! After how many email exchanges do you recommend before meeting up, and do you recommend talking on the phone first? Talking on the phone actually seems odd to me before meeting up in some ways! Good luck and have fun! Thank you!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 Has anyone tried Eharmony? I heard that's the most legitimate of the dating sites, but is it? At $60 a month, pretty expensive!!!!
Fraggle Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I like that advice, to meet them relatively quickly! After how many email exchanges do you recommend before meeting up, and do you recommend talking on the phone first? Talking on the phone actually seems odd to me before meeting up in some ways! No more than a few emails. Obviously, YMWV. Since you're female, by definition you'll probably have lots of guys pestering you for dates. Personally (and this is a guy's perspective) my ideal sequence is 2-3 emails, get phone #, talk and make arrangements to meet within first phone call. Reason I like the phone first, is it gives me a better sense of the personality of the other person that you can't get over email. I've sometimes skipped the phone, but found that it works a bit better as an "ice breaker" than meeting cold turkey from just a few emails.
flc Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 1. Has anyone met someone decent online where it resulted in a LTR? Yes, I have met a number of nice women through onlined dating and my current relationship is about 4mos with someone I met from Match 2. Any advice I need to know when proceeding? Patience, you will deluged initially and it may be overwhelming. Take your time and be picky. Go into it to have fun, see it as a way to meet people and focus on enjoying the dates and not evaluating each as a LTR. 3. What are your views about online dating in general and the people on these sites? Same as anywhere else in society. The good, the bad and the ugly. 4. Best, worst sites?? Pay sites are normally the best, depends on your area. Also there are some specialty sites like Fitness Singles if you want someone who is very active. POF works for some, not me, craiglist is probably at the bottom. 5. Anything else you want to share!!! Take some time to get good pictures both a facial and full body. Spend time on your profile explaining who you are, what you like and what you are looking for. Be 100% honest.
Scottdmw Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 The thing I would suggest for a woman is to be picky in the right way. Statistically, something like 10% of the men get 90% of the dates online. That is, there are a few men who date many women at once, because they look like a very "complete package" online and are very skillful at it. However, these men are hard to get into a relationship with because they have so many options. You might do better to find a guy that seems like he has a few things "wrong" based on his profile, not in the dangerous sense of course, but seems to fit you well based on specific details that wouldn't fit many other women. For example, you both list the same oddball movie on your profile. You may find that guys like this are much better in person than you would think, and just not up on the learned skills specific to online dating. Remember, what looks natural to you in those 10% of men is actually the result of possibly years of trial-and-error working their profile, photos, and email approach to polish it.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 The thing I would suggest for a woman is to be picky in the right way. Statistically, something like 10% of the men get 90% of the dates online. That is, there are a few men who date many women at once, because they look like a very "complete package" online and are very skillful at it. However, these men are hard to get into a relationship with because they have so many options. You might do better to find a guy that seems like he has a few things "wrong" based on his profile, not in the dangerous sense of course, but seems to fit you well based on specific details that wouldn't fit many other women. For example, you both list the same oddball movie on your profile. You may find that guys like this are much better in person than you would think, and just not up on the learned skills specific to online dating. Remember, what looks natural to you in those 10% of men is actually the result of possibly years of trial-and-error working their profile, photos, and email approach to polish it. Thanks for this great advice! This is something I have NEVER thought about before and I guess it makes sense that the more polished and "natural" a guy is at online dating, that perhaps he has done it many times and is constantly weighing his options? Are there more women on these sites than men? Is that why there's that 10%, or are those 10% the type who have just gotten the online dating thing down so well that they attract the interest of the majority of the women?
Star Gazer Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I agree with the concept of being picky in the right way. Don't write off the little things. For me, those little things are things like an inch or two shorter in height than my shortest preferance, or having a non-intellectual career (very blue collar), or having cats, or liking NASCAR, or even being a Republican. Instead, look for someone who appears to have similar interests and temperment, and who you think is reasonably attractive. I say reasonably because I have met guys IRL first (by circumstance) and later seen their profile and thought, "My gosh, I never would have given them the time of day if I had seen only their profile!" Some people just aren't all that photogenic. But make sure the pictures at least look current and include a full-body shot. Don't be afraid to casually ask when the pictures were taken. "I see you like traveling. When was your trip?" See? As for your pictures, make sure you include a close up as well as a full-length shot. For a while there, all of my pictures were coincidentally waist up. That's generally how my friends and I take pictures. Once I posted two full-length pictures, the number of emails and winks I received went through the roof! LOL I really don't think there's a stigma attached to online dating or those who use it. I swear, every 10th commercial on TV these days is an ad for Match or eHarmony, and most of my friends new SO's are from one of those two sites. Only problem with how popular it has become is that you have to keep in contact with your girlfriends who are also on those sites to make sure you're not flirting/dating the same guys! Can be a little bit more work! I've met some really great guys online. I don't think you're any more or less likely to meet quality people online than you are out at a bar. Just pick the right sites. IME (and honestly, I've tried them all!), those include Match, Chemistry, and eHarmony ONLY. Also, find a way to convey exactly what it is you're looking for - a LTR, a fling, whatever - so that the guys looking at your profile know whether to even bother. I think my biggest piece of advice is to take it from online to offline ASAP. Honestly, don't even talk on the phone. You'll develop of false connection/sense of intimacy with them and you'll be mighty disappointed when you meet them and feel NO spark, and feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy. That process gets frustrating! For me, the key to successful online dating is being honest (about who you are AND really, truly what you're looking for) and feeling that spark when meeting...hence why I rush the meeting, no sense in wasting time! Snap to it! LOL HTH
flc Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I think my biggest piece of advice is to take it from online to offline ASAP. Honestly, don't even talk on the phone. You'll develop of false connection/sense of intimacy with them and you'll be mighty disappointed when you meet them and feel NO spark, and feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy. That process gets frustrating! For me, the key to successful online dating is being honest (about who you are AND really, truly what you're looking for) and feeling that spark when meeting...hence why I rush the meeting, no sense in wasting time! Snap to it! LOL HTH Agree with this 100%. A couple of emails then meet, you cannot really know someone without spending time with them.
nysugarlips Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Im going to tell you why you should try online dating: 1- The people you meet on there are people you work with, see on the train, meet at a bar. In other words normal. NOT ALL of them, but most! 2- I gave online dating a try a few times over the years with success. Success after filtering out the mismatched ones. SUccess after hours online chatting, using messenger and countless dates. 3- Online, depending on the site, people are usually honest and right to the point. Something you dont find when that drunk guy/gal is hitting on you and can barely say their name. 4- Ive had a 4 yr relationship with a guy I met online followed by a 2 year long serious relationship. 5- Everyones doing it. ( had to throw that in there) Be smart about it. Dont go posting too many pics of yourself. Think about what you post. The image you select will attract that kind of guy accordingly. Make sense? I would suggest opening up a second email account and attach that to what ever sites you decide to join. Be honest in your profile. State exactly what you want and who you are while not giving away too much info. Downsides. To every good there is a bad. My experience, I've had a few guys stalk me online. My mistake, being on too many dating sites with the same pictures and same user name. I had to report them and they were banned. =( Ive met only 1 guy who did not look like his picture. Not even close and not for the better. Ive also met men who were married. Again, its not often but there appear to be alot of unhappy spouses living double lives. Ive tried the site you mentioned, didnt pay b/c they offered a trial. I would NOT reccommend that site. In my opinion the process of actually talking to someone is way too long! OMG, TOO long!!! the men on there were much older than I wanted as well. No matter what you decide, enjoy & have fun!
manugeorge Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I think my biggest piece of advice is to take it from online to offline ASAP. Honestly, don't even talk on the phone. You'll develop of false connection/sense of intimacy with them and you'll be mighty disappointed when you meet them and feel NO spark, and feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy. That process gets frustrating! For me, the key to successful online dating is being honest (about who you are AND really, truly what you're looking for) and feeling that spark when meeting...hence why I rush the meeting, no sense in wasting time! Snap to it! LOL HTH This is so right, online dating is just another outlet for meeting people, like a park or coffee shop or grocery store or bar. If you meet someone on the train, you don't talk on the phone for 2 months before going on an actual date, so why do people insist on doing so online? Which is not to say you shouldn't "screen" people online or be reasonably picky about your choices but don't drag it on to the point that you develop an online perception of a person before meeting them offline. Most often, that perception doesn't hold up and it leads to frustrations. The trick is to get enough information to comfortably meet them at a coffee shop or another public place. Don't make it a grand dinner date the first time around, unless you meet them for a drink and it drags on to dinner because the company is just that enjoyable. Don't put too much effort into it or place too much expectations on first time meeting. As a matter of fact, forget that you met online and approach this person as you would someone you met while walking your dog or whatever. There are weirdos online as there are normal well-adjusted people. These same weirdos and well-adjusted people are also OFFLINE. At the end of the day, it's all crap shoot.
konfuzd Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I met a guy from Match.com that resulted in a two year relationship. Not only was Match the start of, but was also the killer of our relationship. As soon as we hit a rocky point in the relationship, he re-activated his profile. I found out when his sister called me and told me she was on the site and ran into his profile, which had recently been updated. This sort of adds to your "go back online and shop" comment, and it kinda turned me off the online thing. Not only that, but the hopeless romantic side of me loves telling people the story of how my bf and I met, and the effort he went to to get my number. It makes me feel more special than, 'we were both shopping for a partner, and decided this one was the best deal.' When I dated the Match guy, he asked that I not tell anyone we met online, so we ended up telling everyone we met at the bar (which was true, it's where we had our first face-to-face meeting) but I felt so shady about the whole thing and decided just to go the real life route to avoid a similar situation. Just my 2 cents. If you decide to go for it, good luck and be safe!
Scottdmw Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Thanks for this great advice! This is something I have NEVER thought about before and I guess it makes sense that the more polished and "natural" a guy is at online dating, that perhaps he has done it many times and is constantly weighing his options? Are there more women on these sites than men? Is that why there's that 10%, or are those 10% the type who have just gotten the online dating thing down so well that they attract the interest of the majority of the women? There are more women on some sites but more men on most other I think--it varies over time and by area too. From what' I've read it's just that the 10% are really practiced at online dating, plus photogenic and don't have any obvious disadvantages they can't hide. A lot of guys try it for 3 months, don't get any dates because they don't know how to make a good profile or send a good email, and then give up. The usual male experience, even for guys that otherwise do fairly well with women, is to send out dozens of emails and not get a single response much less a date. There are people on the web that make their living coaching men on how to do these things well.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 For me, those little things are things like an inch or two shorter in height than my shortest preferance, or having a non-intellectual career (very blue collar), or having cats, or liking NASCAR, or even being a Republican. I can deal with Nascar, not sure about the Republican thing though! Instead, look for someone who appears to have similar interests and temperment, and who you think is reasonably attractive. I say reasonably because I have met guys IRL first (by circumstance) and later seen their profile and thought, "My gosh, I never would have given them the time of day if I had seen only their profile!" Some people just aren't all that photogenic. But make sure the pictures at least look current and include a full-body shot. Don't be afraid to casually ask when the pictures were taken. "I see you like traveling. When was your trip?" See? Great way to inquire about when the photo was taken! lol And yes, I do realize that some people are not as photogenic as others, and it makes sense to ask for a full body shot. I'm glad you mentioned that I should include full length photos as well since it makes sense that most photos taken by friends, or worse, by yourself with your arms extended are NEVER full-length! I think my biggest piece of advice is to take it from online to offline ASAP. Honestly, don't even talk on the phone. You'll develop of false connection/sense of intimacy with them and you'll be mighty disappointed when you meet them and feel NO spark, and feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy. HTHYes, this is probably the best piece of advice you and others have given me! I always thought it made sense to take it slow, escalate the level of communication email -> phone -> meeting up, but if you do it in a safe way, then it makes sense to meet ASAP!!! Thanks for the advice! I'm going to give it a go! Now, just not sure which site to start with!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 1- The people you meet on there are people you work with, see on the train, meet at a bar. In other words normal. NOT ALL of them, but most!Very true! The reason I decided to give it a go is because some of my girl friends are on there! I've even seen profiles of guys I've met in person and dated while browsing these sites! Seem likes everyone and their mom lol has a profile somewhere, so this is very true!!! Ive also met men who were married. Again, its not often but there appear to be alot of unhappy spouses living double lives.Yikes, when did you find this out during the dating process? And how did you find out? I guess in some ways it's no different than meeting a guy in person only to find out he has an "ex" that he's still sleeping with, or a an "ex-wife" he's not quite divorced from yet and she has no clue they are "divorced"! lol Ive tried the site you mentioned, didnt pay b/c they offered a trial. I would NOT reccommend that site. In my opinion the process of actually talking to someone is way too long! OMG, TOO long!!! the men on there were much older than I wanted as well. No matter what you decide, enjoy & have fun!I thought the personality profile sounded interesting, but if the process is way too long, I think I'd rather skip it! I rather like having control over when I want to meet up with someone! Thank you for your advice and suggestions!!!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 As soon as we hit a rocky point in the relationship, he re-activated his profile. I found out when his sister called me and told me she was on the site and ran into his profile, which had recently been updated. I've heard about this problem quite a bit too, from my girl friends and others about how people who frequently online date feel like they don't need to resolve any issues or be patient with things because they can always go back online and shop! There are so many people online at any given time that there's almost a temptation to see what's better out there since online dating is almost TOO easy - much easier than even picking up a girl (or a guy) at a bar or a similar location! Do you think that when your relationship "hit a rocky point" that perhaps if you had not met him online that he would try to work things out instead of going out there to search for someone else? Do you think that he would have gone out and tried to meet other women if you had not met him online or do you think the online aspect made it easier for him to not want to work things out with you? This sort of adds to your "go back online and shop" comment, and it kinda turned me off the online thing. Not only that, but the hopeless romantic side of me loves telling people the story of how my bf and I met, and the effort he went to to get my number. It makes me feel more special than, 'we were both shopping for a partner, and decided this one was the best deal.'I'm totally with you on this one! On the other hand, I have had lots of luck MEETING guys in real life, but not a lot of luck in having these relationships pan out into anything substantive, so I'm starting to think that it won't hurt to just open up the arena of meeting people and increase my chances of meeting someone with whom I'm compatible and have chemistry with! (Gosh, I sound like an Eharmony commercial!!!) lol
Star Gazer Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I don't think the "go back online and shop" concept should prevent anyone from trying it out. Even if you meet a guy IRL, what's to stop him from "going back online to shop" after things didn't work out with you? Nothing. There's always more fish in the sea - virtual or otherwise.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 I don't think the "go back online and shop" concept should prevent anyone from trying it out. Even if you meet a guy IRL, what's to stop him from "going back online to shop" after things didn't work out with you? Nothing. There's always more fish in the sea - virtual or otherwise. You are absolutely correct - actually, that literally DID happen! lol While browsing through several sites to determine which site I should set up a profile on, yes I did come across the guy I WAS dating and whom I met IRL looking for fishes in the virtual sea! Funny!!
nysugarlips Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Hi Deluxe, As far as a few men being married, Ive found out on different occassions. One guy had a lovely TANNED mark of where his band had been all summer or during his tanning sessions. Another guy was on the phone with his wife as I walked in behind him. " I love you too honey and kiss" ( kids name) was all I needed to hear. One favorite memory was a guy who spilled a large margharita drink into his own lap when I asked him if he was married and the conversation was about cheating. So that summed up that date. I would NOT suggest eharmony. The profile took a very long time and you dont want to check off anything b/c it defeats the purpose.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Hi Deluxe, As far as a few men being married, Ive found out on different occassions. One guy had a lovely TANNED mark of where his band had been all summer or during his tanning sessions. Another guy was on the phone with his wife as I walked in behind him. " I love you too honey and kiss" ( kids name) was all I needed to hear. One favorite memory was a guy who spilled a large margharita drink into his own lap when I asked him if he was married and the conversation was about cheating. So that summed up that date. Wow, some lovely dates there!!! Sorry to hear about those experiences; what losers! And they were horrible at hiding the fact! I think the worse was the guy who checked in with his wife on his phone and said, "I love you too honey and kiss ____ for me!" The audacity!!! Didn't sound like he was having a bad marriage or separated if he was talking to his wife like that - or at least SHE had no clue!!! And Margarita Boy, wow, hilarious! Now why did you ask him if he was married? Was this after your other married men mishaps and your intuition was screaming to you that this one, too, was probably married? Hahahaha
konfuzd Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Do you think that when your relationship "hit a rocky point" that perhaps if you had not met him online that he would try to work things out instead of going out there to search for someone else? Do you think that he would have gone out and tried to meet other women if you had not met him online or do you think the online aspect made it easier for him to not want to work things out with you? I just think the convenience of the online thing made him look for a replacement before he confronted the issues we were having. I don't think he would have actively started going out to the bar and hitting on random chicks, but to be able to shop in his livingroom made it easier for him to disconnect from our relationship. Because of this experience, and hearing a multitude of other girls finding their bf's online profile active months into their relationship, I couldn't develop a full trusting relationship with a guy I'd met online or one who uses online dating methods. I would always be suspicious and checking in, and that's not the kind of relationship I want.
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