W or OW

[Confoozed]

Ok, I'm new here. I stumbled on this site and forum in a desperate search for...answers, I guess. Or one answer in particular.

 

I have been married for 23 years and have two teenage kids. I also have, or had, a mistress for two years.

 

I was not unhappily married when I began the affair. I loved my wife and she loved me, we're both good parents who have raised two great kids, and we were also very good friends. But two years ago, I fell for the OW. We connected in a way my wife and I never did, and it just kept getting better and better. Lots of laughs, deep affection and caring, amazing sex, and fantasizing together about a future.

 

My wife found out after a year and I swore to end it. I meant it, too, but maintained contact with the OW, and before long, we were back into the affair full steam. Two months later, I tried to end it again, but that didn't last more than a couple weeks again.

 

Then three months ago, my wife found out it was still going on, and she gave me one more chance to end it. This time, I meant it when I said it was over, and the OW and I began to wean ourselves off of contact. But I just couldn't let her go completely and, long story short, I left my wife and kids a month ago to be with the OW.

 

That lasted...one day. By morning, I had second thoughts and by the afternoon, I had written an email to my wife telling her I had made a mistake and wanted my old life back. She resisted, saying she wouldn't take me back unless I proved to her that I meant business this time. She insisted I end contact with the OW and seek therapy to try to figure out why I had an affair in the first place and what I really want.

 

I cut off contact with the OW, and for the next 10 days, I went to counselling and read self-help books. And I called her and wrote her daily, telling her all about my latest insights. And I did think I had it figured out. I think I know why I embarked on an affair in the first place and I was sure I knew what I wanted. Day 11, she allowed me back.

 

Fast forward a few weeks now and I'm not so sure anymore what I want. I find myself thinking about the OW constantly. I subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, compare her to my wife in all ways. She made me feel so loved and so needed and so desired. She made me feel special. I miss her like crazy and crave contact with her again. I know she'd love to have me in her life and I believe we could have a great future together.

 

But I know my wife loves me, too. We had 20 good years of marriage before the affair, and the fact that she has given me the second and third chances she has shows the depth of her love. And to be clear, she is not taking me back out of necessity; she is a strong woman. She is also a beautiful woman -- inside and out -- probably the best person I know. But we don't click like I seem to with the OW. In fact, we never have really. While we've had a happy-ish marriage and have been best friends throughout, there has never been much of a spark. And now that I'm back with her, that seems more obvious than ever. Thus the constant thoughts of the OW and missing what I had with her.

 

In short, they're both amazing women in their own way, but the chemistry I feel with the OW is not there with my wife. I've read lots about romantic love versus enduring love, so I do know that the feelings in the two relationships are different, and that enduring love is what it's really all about. But I firmly believe my love for the OW would eventually mature into an enduring love and we would be very happy.

 

But this is more than picking one over the other. I have kids and I love them like crazy. When I left a month ago, I broke their hearts. When I came back, they were skeptical but have since become fully accepting of me. Looking at things now, I believe I went back home not for my wife but for them. I was devastated when I realized what I had done to them, and I wanted immediately to fix it.

 

For the past week or more, I've been entertaining serious thoughts of bolting again, this time for good. And it would be for good, because my wife would never give me another chance. As it is, she's already aware that I'm still stuck on the OW and is warning me to get over her now or she'll end it. Problem is, I'm terrified what that would do to the kids -- and to my relationship with them. Would they ever forgive me after damaging their trust in me once, repairing it somewhat, and then damaging it again?

 

I just want to be happy. Ideally, I want to stay with my wife, spare my kids the agony of a broken home, and hope that things will get better for my wife and me and that we'll be happy again someday.

 

But is that realistic, given the pattern to date? Will I ever get over the OW? Is it completely unfair to my wife to stay in the marriage for the kids and hope it'll get better?

 

I know everything I've written has been written in one form or another before, that these are probably cliched questions and circumstances. But I've not been here before, so let me have your opinions.

 

Anyone?

[Geishawhelk]

I think first of all, you need to talk to your wife, alone, your kids on their own and then leave.

leave and contact your OW and tell her you are going away for a month to sort your mind out. Don't contact anyone, other than your kids to tell them you love them, but stay away from your wife and mistress.

Then - think.

Think about what you really want.

 

personally?

I think it amazing - not to say incredible - that your wife has given you so many chances.

And here, I think lies part of the problem.

if she had been more stubborn and determined, you wouldn't have gone back a third time. Had it been me, you'd have been lucky to go back a second time. And I'm not saying that to be bitchy or cruel.

Love you she may do, but I think that there's a dependency on you on her part, and she can't let you go for fear....

Just for fear.

So her letting you back in may not have been the best thing for all of you...

Do you see what I'm trying to say here?

 

You need to ask your wife what kind of a relationship she thinks you have. Complacency and comfort, habit and mundane existence could have bedded her into something she saw as dependable and constant.

 

I really cannot advise you - other than my input above - as to what you should or shouldn't decie.

But something's going to give.

Pain will occur.

This much is inevitable.

Do things with decency, dignity and honesty and at least the damage done is reduced.

But make your mind up.

[jj33]

Everyone is going to give you different advice on this.

 

Some people say stay for the children its the best thing to do. But children adapt and how fair is it to you and your W for you to stay in a marriage where you are in love with someone else?

 

You sound like your children mean the world to you and while you will not be a full time father anymore in the same house with them you will be full time in spirit and in emotion. And you will be happier which will make every part of your life better.

 

As for what will happen with the OW... its difficult to say. Are you prepared for the fact that while the relationship may work, it may not and then you will be a single father on your own until you meet someone else? I say that not to pour cold water on your relationship with OW but leaving "for" someone else can be tricky.

 

Its very common for someone else to be the trigger for someone to leave. But there are no guarantees that it will work. I wish you every luck and it sounds like you have thought it through in terms of your chances of making it with the OW.

[username24]

If you want to stay married, you need to go NC. It is as simple as that. You are thinking of the OW because she represents a fantasy. Your 'relationship' with her is not real. There was no kids, bills, house work, ect. Of course the OW is going to come out ahead in that comparison.

 

Personally, I think your W deserves someone better than you. She took you back for a third time for Gods sake. That means that you have crushed her emotionally 3 ****ing times. And you are about to do it a fourth. Either save your M and go 100% NC, or file for D and let your W have a chance at love.

[signedin2008]

 

That lasted...one day. By morning, I had second thoughts and by the afternoon, I had written an email to my wife telling her I had made a mistake and wanted my old life back. She resisted, saying she wouldn't take me back unless I proved to her that I meant business this time. She insisted I end contact with the OW and seek therapy to try to figure out why I had an affair in the first place and what I really want.

 

I cut off contact with the OW, and for the next 10 days, I went to counselling and read self-help books. And I called her and wrote her daily, telling her all about my latest insights. And I did think I had it figured out. I think I know why I embarked on an affair in the first place and I was sure I knew what I wanted. Day 11, she allowed me back.

 

That was supposed to be the honeymoon stage with the OW. Imainge you living with OW and dealing with bills, daily chores, REAL life relationship problems that you don't seem to have much with your wife, etc. Your realtionship with the OW won't last more than a year. Every holiday, you will be reminded on the good times you had with your wife and kids in the past and all those vacation, holiday, birthday memories. By then, the new "newness" worn out with the OW, you call your wife all remorseful and how you want your old life back, but, by then, it's too late. You wife had lost all love and respect for you. To make matter worse, she is seeing and spending nights at her new boyfriend's place twice a week and you can imagine how you would feel.

 

Only about 5% of affairs end up in marriage and about 70% of these affairage end in divorce in less than 5 years. Every single one of them thought they found their soul mates, until reality sets in. There are many reasons for this statistical failure, mainly due to how it started, secretcy, lost of trust in each other (your OW will always be suspicious of you because of what you did to someone you married for 20 years), isolation and non-acceptance from family, friends, etc.

 

I don't think you deserved this 3rd chance, but if you want to throw it all away, go ahead with breaking this no contact. While you're supposed to help your wife heal with probably the worst pain in her life, here you are fantasizing about this OW. Ever think about what kind of example you're setting for your kids? What about the respect that you used to get from your friends, family member, and colleagues?

[Reggie]

You are one cold dude. I'd say do your wife a favor and leave. Very few marriages survive infidelity, contrary to what you will hear from the sites promoting their sevices for a fee.

As somone else pointed out, your wife has taken this hit 3 times now. That is unimagineable to me. She must be incredibly strong not to have been institutionalized by now. I don't know her, obviously, but no normal person would get past this in one lifetime.

I'd give you odds that you and the OW won't last. Just too much dishonesty at the foundation of the relationship. Your kids will really take to her, eh?

[angie2443]

You are one cold dude. I'd say do your wife a favor and leave. Very few marriages survive infidelity, contrary to what you will hear from the sites promoting their sevices for a fee.

As somone else pointed out, your wife has taken this hit 3 times now. That is unimagineable to me. She must be incredibly strong not to have been institutionalized by now. I don't know her, obviously, but no normal person would get past this in one lifetime.

I'd give you odds that you and the OW won't last. Just too much dishonesty at the foundation of the relationship. Your kids will really take to her, eh?

 

I agree with this. You've treated your wife like crap. Set her free.

[2sure]

I'm replying for the simple reason that you sound very much like a man I used to know. He had an affair for 4 years, with me. I was single at the time, This was before I remarried.

 

The other posters have given you really good advice regarding the reality of the odds and statistics. Your chance at long term happiness if you leave your wife: slim to none. These odds aren't going to change.

 

Your wife's chance at long term happiness if you stay: slim to none

This, maybe you can do something about.

 

Geisha told you to think about leaving for a month. I think you and your W should consider this. I think during that month you will find that you do miss your wife, that you want to go back for her and your marriage, as much as the kids. Of course, this would require NC at all w/OW.

 

Also, your W should attend MC with you or even alone. Saving a marriage cant be done by one spouse. Period.

 

Lastly, the fact that your wife has taken you back 3 times with no cosequence other than "Stop It" means you will continue with this behavior. Until YOU are the victim of your own actions, and the consequences are simply bared by others...you wont be the man she needs you to be.

[username24]

 

Geisha told you to think about leaving for a month. I think you and your W should consider this. I think during that month you will find that you do miss your wife, that you want to go back for her and your marriage, as much as the kids. Of course, this would require NC at all w/OW.

 

Also, your W should attend MC with you or even alone. Saving a marriage cant be done by one spouse. Period.

 

Leaving for a month will end the marriage. Just like you said, saving a marriage can't be done by one spouse. If you want to save your M, work WITH your wife to save it, not without her.

 

100% NC is a necessity. Over time you will come out of the 'fog' you are in and realize what a piece of $hit you are being.

[jj33]

I dont know how I missed the fact that you had left 3x.

 

WAKE UP. You are hurting EVERYONE. I am sure you are feeling torn apart too but you are ripping out the hearts of those you love again and again. You need to make a choice and stick to it.

 

If you truly want to get over OW you will by going NC and realizing that it will take time. The fact that you still miss her in a month or 3 is not a reason to leave your wife. It takes time to get over these things.

 

The real question is how committed are you to your wife - not your kids your wife. the woman you married. Because if you arent committed to making things work with her, growing old with her, you will find yourself in the same place in the future. And she doesnt deserve that.

 

If you didnt have children what would you do? Would you leave without a second thought? If the answer is yes then leave.

[MegaMags]

Jeeeze.....

 

You say you just want to be happy but are doing everything you can to ensure you are not.

 

You have got a chance here - if you really are not on a mission of self-destruction and not doing everything you can to make yourself and your loved ones miserable for years.

 

Why are you behaving like this? Is the real reason :

 

I find myself thinking about the OW constantly. I subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, compare her to my wife in all ways. She made me feel so loved and so needed and so desired. She made me feel special. quote]

 

Is this really what you get from the OW? These are things we all need to feel. But the OW cannot make you feel like this. Only you can.

 

Your wife loves and needs you and so does your family. You are in control of this and need to stop telling yourself that you are not.

 

Instead of obsessing about the OW why not focus on the last 23 years of life you have shared with your wife and all the reasons that have made you happy and kept you both together.

[Owl]

Here's the thing...you can't trust YOURSELF anymore.

 

You're your own worst enemy.

 

Every decision you've made...YOU have undermined and eroded away.

 

GW's advice of NC with anyone is great...if it would work.

 

But in reality...you would use that time to contact the OW and further your affair with her...and you know it.

 

Here's what you need to do...this is simple...not easy....but simple.

 

GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MAKE A CHOICE...AND STICK TO IT.

 

You can't have both...grow up a bit here my friend and realize that.

 

You can either have your wife and your family...OR....you can have a life with the OW.

 

PERIOD.

 

 

Once you've picked one...YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED TO GO COMPLETE NC WITH THOSE THAT YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE.

 

If you opt to stay married...that means NC with the OW...FOREVER. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!!

 

If you opt to leave your family for her...THEN YOU CUT YOUR FAMILY OUT OF YOUR LIFE...FOREVER...NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

 

Sure, you file for divorce, you setup a visitation plan with your kids...but realize that you're giving up any and all rights to be the dad in their home by your choice. You'll be dad when they're with you...and that's it.

 

Its all up to you, friend.

 

But you need to stop, realize what in the heck you're doing...stop being a wet noodle and STAY with whatever it is you choose. TAKE ACTIVE MEASURES TO ENFORCE YOUR CHOICES....FOR YOU.

 

If you choose the marriage, that means you give up the OW. AND ALL MEANS OF COMMUNICATION WITH HER. No more secret cell phone, secret email accounts, etc....all those are given over to your wife.

 

If you choose the OW...then you GIVE UP access to your wife.

 

Its that simple...not easy...but simple.

 

So...you've had years and years to debate this...what's it gonne be?

[Geishawhelk]

"loveshack - the community home that pulls no punches."

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, I'm new here. I stumbled on this site and forum in a desperate search for...answers, I guess. Or one answer in particular.

 

I have been married for 23 years and have two teenage kids. I also have, or had, a mistress for two years.

 

I was not unhappily married when I began the affair. I loved my wife and she loved me, we're both good parents who have raised two great kids, and we were also very good friends. But two years ago, I fell for the OW. We connected in a way my wife and I never did, and it just kept getting better and better. Lots of laughs, deep affection and caring, amazing sex, and fantasizing together about a future.

 

My wife found out after a year and I swore to end it. I meant it, too, but maintained contact with the OW, and before long, we were back into the affair full steam. Two months later, I tried to end it again, but that didn't last more than a couple weeks again.

 

Then three months ago, my wife found out it was still going on, and she gave me one more chance to end it. This time, I meant it when I said it was over, and the OW and I began to wean ourselves off of contact. But I just couldn't let her go completely and, long story short, I left my wife and kids a month ago to be with the OW.

 

Then thats all that needs to be said. A man that leaves his wife and kids for another woman because the sex is good, one day or not.

 

Just get a divorce and set your wife free. If you were happy and in love when you started an affair, then this isn't going to be the end of what you are doing, whether it is with this woman or another, and your wife doesn't deserve this.

 

She deserves a man that will make her happy and won't screw her over.

[JamesM]

You have some good advice..with a few comments of "You jerk!" (Leave the jerk comments here, and don't let them make you ignore the rest.)

 

A couple of comments.....

 

Your wife has taken you back three times. So far, SHE has not really let the impact of what YOU have done sink in. When this happens, your marriage will reach a new crisis.

 

You went back to your wife, because you almost lost her. When you realized that she was going to take you back again, then you began to remember what you gave up. However, when you were free of your wife, the comparison you made brought you back to your wife. Remember that because now you are in the drudgery of everyday life. If you choose the OW, life will also become mundane. These two lives is what you should compare.

 

I don't buy the idea that it was all for your children. I think you are having second thoughts because you are not comparing apples to apples. Affairs are fantasies. Marriages are realities.

 

 

An affair is kinda like taking a drug. You are hooked chemically, and emotionally, but mentally...or rather rationally, you know this drug is not good for you long term. So you quit. BUT...when you are off the drug, you have withdrawal symptoms, and all you can remember are the good things about that drug and how it made you feel good. You want that fix to "feel good." When we love someone, it is not about how we feel, it is about how the one we love feels.

 

So here. You are back in your marriage, and you miss the rush of the affair. This OW gives you the romantic "spark" that usually does not exist in a marriage of 23 years. The romantic spark has been replaced by a quiet flame in those that survive. That rush of the first spark may or may not become that quiet flame, but many do not.

 

Many people who choose affairs in their mid life help justify them by saying that they never felt this way, when in reality, they did...they simply forgot. Affairs bring on such a rush of pleasure that we truly forget what is best for us because we are so focused on receiving more of that rush.

 

The ironic thing is that many realize when they leave their wives that they just destroyed the most precious flame of all. The passion can be rekindled in every relationship.

 

After 18 years of marriage, I know. And it can also dwindle down to nothing...or so it seems...when every day activities overwhelm the "us" time. Marriage is about commitment and love and giving. Affairs are about feelings and selfishness and getting.

 

I think....

 

1) You should not leave your wife to make your decision, because if you leave, then the likelihood of her taking you back are slim. Rationally decide if you want to take the biggest gamble of your personal life. And you do not know what the OW really thinks about a long term relationship with you, because the two of you have not had the chance to have an honest relationship yet. The affair is no comparison to what reality will be. Decide if this mid-life crisis affair is what you will be happy with in two or five years.

 

2) You should not expect your wife to be sitting idly by right now with complete adoration to you. The likelihood is that she knows of your inner turmoil, and she is also deciding what HER future will be. It is quite possible that she is deciding right now that she will divorce you. She is just gathering together the resources for a better exit.

 

3) And you should not expect that the OW is sitting by wondering when you will come back. (She is probably on the LS OW/OM forum as we speak. ) It is likely, based on the many posts here, that she is also in turmoil and is determined to move on from this indecisive man.

 

You are at a crossroads. Move in no direction until you are positive that it is what you really want to do. Which ever door you choose will close and lock behind you.

[Owl]

You are at a crossroads. Move in no direction until you are positive that it is what you really want to do. Which ever door you choose will close and lock behind you.

 

I agree with your post, but wanted to make one comment about the above.

 

He can't sit at this crossroads for long.

 

His wife has made it very, very clear that she's no longer willing to sit here and play this game with him. Taking too long to make his choice is going to LOOK like a choice to his wife...who will probably take immediate and drastic action once she believes that he's chosen OW.

 

He's had a long time to consider this...spending too long sitting at the crossroads trying to pick a direction could close ALL the doors.

[JamesM]

I agree with your post, but wanted to make one comment about the above.

 

I am glad we agree. Twice this month?

 

He can't sit at this crossroads for long.

 

 

Oh so true.

 

As I was typing the above post, I was thinking about the time before my wife and I were married when I broke the engagement...because I was not ready to get married, and she said (basically) "Marry me or leave." So I (temporarily) left. There was a guy I worked with at the time who had also broken an engagement and then married.

 

I kinda asked him for advice as to what caused him to decide marriage. And he gave some...which I truthfully do not remember. But he made a comment just before I left that has always stuck with me...."Just because you decide to go back does not mean SHE will take you back."

 

(Ironically, HE cheated on his wife after 15 years of marriage and SHE did not take HIM back).

 

Good point. She did but she also went out with another guy before she made HER final decision for marriage to me.

 

So it goes. Do not think you have a lot of time to make this decision. Fact is...she could be making the decision for you.

[JamesM]

 

Spending too long sitting at the crossroads trying to pick a direction could close ALL the doors.

 

I just reread this.....great quote to remember.

[jwi71]

You imply you have two choices: the W or the OW.

You actually have at least four options I can see - you can choose to continue your affair (having both women) or have neither of the women (leave both).

 

In perfect bluntness, your W deserves better. You indicated you were mostly happy and cheated anyway. Now, you say you "fell for your OW" two years ago - so how long have you actually been cheating? Is she your first affair? Or are you a serial cheater? In any case, go ahead and file for D. Marriage is commitment and you don't have much to your W.

 

If you wish (and you do), pursue a R with your OW. Like everyone has said, its a fantasy. When reality comes knocking I'm fairly sure your R with her will come crashing down. The stats provided are good. JamesM is also mostly right. But, set your W free first.

 

Of course, you could choose to "have your cake and eat it too". This is sadly the most likely scenario. You have proven incapable of deciding on which woman you really want and I don't see this cycle ending. And in this you suffer. Your OW suffers. And your W suffers. So, lets not go this route.

 

The honest choice has already been suggested. Choose neither. Leave your W. And go NC with the OW. At least for a period of time. Decide what you want. Stop punishing these women by continually leaving then returning then leaving only to come knocking again. Its ok to not know what you want. Its not ok to punish others while you figure it out.

 

Take a sabbatical from your W and your OW. During this time, look at yourself. What is missing in your life? What do you want? What do you need? I would also suggest that while you have no women - your W can have other men. Just as you must find what you want and need...let your W explore her needs too. She just might find a spark of her own.

 

You deserve to be happy.

She deserves to be happy.

 

And it might be with others.

[JamesM]

But, set your W free first.

 

Of course, you could choose to "have your cake and eat it too". This is sadly the most likely scenario.

 

Good remarks, but I do disagree with this.

 

Here is why....

 

He already left his wife and realized that he wanted her. When compared with the OW, the wife was number one. I don't believe it was all about the kids. Now I think he is having withdrawal from the OW. So if he leaves his wife again to "decide," then I doubt he will get back into the house with his wife.

 

I think he really does want his wife.

 

I understand the lies he is living with his wife, but truthfully, I am trying to give advice to him...not his wife. If his wife posted, then I would say "kick him out...period." For him, I say, make your decision...then stay or leave. Leaving to make a decision will have already been a decision in his wife's eyes.

[misternoname]

This is going to sound harsh but here it goes.

 

I was in your wife's position. My STBXW cheated, I forgave took her back, she did it again, I took her back, she did it again, I took her back, SHE DID AGAIN and this time she moved out. Our divorce should be final within the next couple of weeks.

 

My point? ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! I have zero respect for people like you. Just like your wife, I treated my spouse well, sex life was good, etc. etc. People who cheat can come up with every excuse under the sun but the bottom line is simple...you can't and shouldn't be trusted.

 

I wish I could talk to your wife instead of you. I could tell her my reward for forgiving multiple times. I wasted too many years on a selfish narcisist.

 

Do her a favor...get out and let her have her dignity. She'll find someone down the road that will love her without always looking for greener grass. Loyal people do exist...I happen to be one.

[JamesM]

This is going to sound harsh but here it goes.

 

It is harsh, and I doubt it accomplished anything more than an opportunity for you to vent.

 

My point? ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! I have zero respect for people like you.

 

Not true. I not only read of cases here, I personally know a couple of cases where an affair actually made the marriage better. Why? Because both partners sat down in counseling and discovered what brought about the affair.

 

And yes, your lack of respect shines through.

 

Just like your wife, I treated my spouse well, sex life was good, etc. etc. People who cheat can come up with every excuse under the sun but the bottom line is simple...you can't and shouldn't be trusted.

 

And they actually may have a reason that brought them to that point, but for those betrayed, it is so much easier to pretend that the cheater is a horrible person, and the BS is an innocent victim. Not always true.

 

In this case, the OP is a cheater, but that does not mean he will always be a cheater. he has not been able to leave his "drug of choice," but that does not mean he cannot kick the habit and go sober.

[misternoname]

Your defense of cheaters hints that you may be one yourself (just kidding...you actually sound very level headed).

 

I also know of some couples that survived affairs but I'm afraid they're few and far between. The success stories seem to fall into two catagories. As you mentioned, counseling and a true commitment from the spouse that cheated to stop permanently and those that stay out of convenience. I think what rubbed me wrong about the poster's story is his unwillingness to stop the affair despite his wife's kind and generous offer of forgiveness. As a victim (and I do take offense to your insinuation that I was somehow to blame...trust me no one treated their spouse as well as I did. Through therapy my ex has discovered that deep seated self esteem/ego issues going back to childhood pushed her into serial cheating) I fear this guy's wife is setting herself up for future pain and disappointments. Had the poster presented his case as more of a "how do I fix this?" instead of a "gee...who do I choose" I'd be a lot more sympathetic.

 

Venting? Possibly but I sure wish someone had said these things to me years ago. I always assumed she would be "cured." Wasted years...wasted years...

[Confoozed]

First off, thanks all for taking the time to wade through what was a very long post. Most of all, though, thanks for the (mostly) thoughful responses and advice.

 

I'm ok with the tough stuff and I know better than anyone what a ****head I've become. I don't think you can think worse of me than I do myself. The sad thing is I didn't used to be such a prick and I want very much not to be one anymore.

 

(For the record, I have not cheated before and I don't believe I'm destined to be a cheater the rest of my life. Also for the record, I have no intention of going back to the rollercoaster have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too scenario of maintaining the affair.)

 

Anyway, I think it's all about courage -- courage to do what I think I need to do. The only problem is I'm not sure what that is. Not yet. Taking a month off would be a nice idea, but as some of the posters have pointed out, that would be the end right there; there'd be no decision to make in that case. I'm going away on a five-day busines trip this weekend. Maybe that will give me some time to think.

 

I do worry that I might never be happy again if I stay married. Even if I get over the OW eventually, will my wife ever get over her? Not surprisingly, things are pretty strained at home right now. Will she get over it? And will I get over what I've done to her?

 

Also, will I get over the OW? And if I did, will I ever get over thoughts of what could've been? Logically, you'd think I would eventually. But it doesn't feel like that right now. I do understand the difference between affair relationships and marriage relationships, and I do understand that the intensity of the romantic love of the affair won't last. But I believe -- or at least my heart does -- that the romantic love will morph into something more mature and enduring, and that I will be happy with her.

 

Am I kidding myself?

[jwi71]

I think he really does want his wife.

 

I'm not so sure.

 

He left his W for all of one day then returned. That's fear. Fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of affects on kids...its fear.

 

I would be inclined to see your position had he been gone longer...but 24 hours? NAh...he got scared.

 

Fear is a fantastic motivator. He might be afraid of...well OP...what?

 

And accepted point. The advice is to him, not his BS. Would the OP consider showing his W here? Maybe we could advise her...