sigh Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I have been beating myself up pretty bad over my whole situation and I think it is starting to take it's toll on me. I have the recurring what is wrong with me that he so easily was able to have no regard for me as a person? How did I let myself fall for his cr&p? questions. I can not seem to shake it. I have also found myself painfully missing the man he pretended to be during our A. The attentive best friend, which is painful and seems to be always consuming my thoughts. My mind is just in a major whirlwind and I'm afraid I am never going to get out of it.
jj33 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 You it it Sigh. You miss the man he pretended to be. Of course you do. I still go through that. I miss what we had all that time ago. Its normal to want that seemingly perfect romantic partner in your life. Dont beat yourself up for that. In fact see it as a good thing. You have not given up on the idea that it can be real. It just cant be him. As for beating yourself up. The board would be very empty if you were the only one who fell for the rubbish dished out. It happens. It wont happen to you again. Its a painful lesson but one that had to be learned. Or you wouldnt have gone through it. Cliche advice but give yourself a break. Be good to yourself. You are coming out of a very painful situation. These things take time. One foot in front of the other.
smile711 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 sigh-Reading your post was like reading a book about my past 2 months. Listen to me very carefully-THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! There is something wrong with him. It's OK to miss the person you THOUGHT he was as long as you understand that that wasn't really him. He was showing you what he wanted you to see. Like me, you probably fell for his crap because you were at a low point in your life and he said all the right things. But I'm happy to report that after 10 weeks, I'm making strides! YOU WILL TOO! But you MUST stay busy and you MUST create a network of family or friends or coworkers you can count on for love and support. That has gotten me through the toughest moments. It's OK to feel all the feelings, but feel them and try to let them go. Don't feel them and then let them consume you. I know how destructive that can be. If counseling is an option, do it. It helps. If you are depressed, see a doctor. An anti-depressant, even just for a few months, can get you over the hardest time and make you better able to cope for a while. But you are not to blame. Please remember that!
Author sigh Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 I wish could afford counselling, but that is not really an option right now. The hardest is the thought that he knew everything about me and was unable to love or care for me, why would any other guy? This man was there for me through the hardest thing KI have ever had to go through in my life, but it was all for sex.
jj33 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 WHOA..... Hey babe. You are having a really bad day. Big hug. Sigh I am sure you are very talented and perhaps can even tie cherry stems with your tongue but NOONE stays with you through the hardest thing you ever had to go through in your life just for the sex. Obviously he cared about you or he wouldnt have stuck it out. Now as for any other guy loving you. Youve got the wrong yardstick. He is married to someone else. He is someone who cheats. He cared about you. But he wasnt willing to leave his marriage. Please dont put your self esteem to such a great challenge. If he didnt love me enough to leave his W noone else will love me. Its not true. And its not being fair to yourself.
LakesideDream Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Sigh, I went back and read back your old posts. I know you are hurting and in a bad place, we have all felt that. Something you might think want to consider. Your guy may not have been "lying" or "using you for sex". He may have been attracted to you, maybe even have fallen in love with you. He may just be the usual thirties kind of guy, immature.. a least a little. Not every man who has an affair outside his marriage is a "cheating bastard". Sometimes they are just weak men. Sometimes they are immoral weak men. Sometimes they are as confused as most of us are. If it helps you to have a totally negetive view of him, so be it. Buy maybe, it was just that it didn't work. You sound like a great gal. You also have the advantage of youth. Don't waste it. Hopefully soon you will start enjoying your life again.
smile711 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 He might have known everything about you, but that's not the reason he's not with you. He's not with you because he doesn't have what it takes to leave an unhappy marriage and give 100% to someone. He never gave you 100% and he definitely didn't give his W 100%. A true relationship is when both parties give everything they can. Yours was more one-sided, like mine. He had all of me but I never had all of him because he went home at night. I am reminded of something my doctor said-You are no less of a pearl because a swine couldn't appreciate you. A LIAR and a CHEATER couldn't appreciate your beauty. A real man will someday...I promise. I am getting out there and meeting people and it boggles my mind that I ignored the large population of single, cute, successful, UNMARRIED guys out there while I was with my xMM. When you are ready, there will be people interested in you. And the lessons you have learned from this experience will make you better able to choose a mate who will love you the way you are supposed to be loved!
Author sigh Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue LOL I have never been this affected by the end of any relationship before. Him being able to bounce back so quickly and not be heartbroken is what I base the being used thoughts on.
jj33 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Just out of curiousity how DO you do that..... You are not alone there. An A is different than any other kind of ending. I can remember in the past thinking I will never get over him... and lo and behold a few weeks a month two at most I was good as new. Not so with the A but maybe that is just me I hope you get past it more quickly than I did. But still it gets better over time. The first few months were like a haze. I thought every awful thing about myself you are thinking and worse. Every once in awhile I still do. And I cant tie a cherry stem with my tongue (so what hope is there eh...) An A that doesnt end well can scar you in some ways if you let it. Dont let it. But I promise you it gets better. After awhile the pain just lessens and you bore yourself with it. I mean creative as you are the same thoughts negative thoughts can only swirl in your head for so long. The permutations are endless but eventually they die down. I did myself no favors by continuing in close contact with him which no doubt prolonged the pain but thats life. In the meantime do everything you can to be good to yourself. And stick to NC. The lack of communication means you dont have new things to obsess about and room in your head for new positive thoughts and feelings.
Author sigh Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 It took a lot of drunken practice when I was in college and is probably the only usable skill I got from college come to think of it. LOL I also feel dumb because he never promised me anything, never told me he loved me and wanted me to date other men. Sure fire signs that he didn't care, yet I did not see it. jj: How long have you been NC?
jj33 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 We work together so despite Owls counsel otherwise we are in contact for work. It ended over a year ago. We were not in NC for the first 2 months which was a mistake. Then we were in NC but for work for about a month or two. Then we werent and he tried to come back again and that went back and forth until the spring. Then we were in NC for another 2 months but for work. Then he started all sorts of communication that was allegedly work related but clearly wasnt... Then I asked for total NC for a month or so over the summer when we didnt need to be in contact for work. The break was what got me over the hump. Then a month or so ago he decided hed like to start things up again (huh???) ... and now we dont talk about anything except work. In his mind we are in constant contact. But its just work. I keep reminding myself if that is enough for him, he doesnt love me the way I want my partner to love me. Its great that we have a good working relationship, and look out for each other. Our alliance is vital to my business and I have the greatest respect and admiration for him. But it is meaningless in terms of a romantic relationship. For some reason this week its really been getting to me. After all this time my well being is still very important to him, which is very precious and if I needed anything I think I could count on him (not that I would ask outside of work things) but its meaningless in terms of ever having a real relationship. It sounds like your situation is similar. He cared deeply for you or he would not have gone through whatever it is he went through with you. But the follow through to the next level wasnt there. And that is why he didnt tell you he loved you he didnt want to lead you on.
jj33 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Its the back and forth that made it so hard. And I am so furious that he would try to restart things acting like its no big deal, knowing how i feel about him. Part of me knows it was a big deal for him to want to restart things and he just acts like it wasnt because I said no. But it doesnt matter. Its just a messy silly situation. And he isnt willing to open up and tell me what he is thinking so it makes it awkward. Im not going back to an A. But since we work together if he has things on his mind, I wish he would communicate with me rather than acting all cavalier about it. Its not helpful to be annoyed with someone you do business with. And I feel exposed because I never know what he is going to say or do. On the one hand it doesnt matter because I know where I stand, but it still gets to me. They say the best of a person is the worst of a person and the "strong silent type" machismo isnt working so well for me at this point.
Author sigh Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 It must be so hard having to work with him. I feel for you. I do not think I could handle that. I am having such a hard time dealing with him contacting me once or twice a week and seeing him in public places every once in a while, I could not imagine seeing him every day. You must be a very strong woman.
jj33 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 We dont work in the same company so I dont see him in person that often most of the time which is a real help. Its mostly emails and the phone calls are very infrequent. We speak as little as possible. If you are not in NC get there FAST. It is the single best thing i did. Its a huge sigh of relief not wondering if you will hear from him you wont if he is respecting it. And he sound like he will respect it. Tell him you care about him but its over and you need to get past it and the only way you are going to do that is if you arent in touch that it is much too soon to be friends. Tell him you need 3 months of NC. And at the end of the 3 months, tell him you need 3 more if that is what you need. Most people would say tell him you need NC forever and if you think you can do that do it. But if you think he will give you a really hard time and not respect it then 3 months is better because you know you can always call NC again at the end of the 3 months. Its up to you who you are in touch with. Having 90 days of no contact is enough to get past the addicted feeling. You see the problem is they dont have the same intense feelings so for him having you in his life being able to contact you every few days or once a week keeps him happy. He knows you are still there. He can still be in contact with you. Cut him off. Its the only way you will really give yourself space to heal. I know how you feel dont think I dont think gee this is enough for him, hearing about a customer or a problem with a customer... but hey his loss. Better not to be in touch at all
Author sigh Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 That is one of the things I do not understand. We were both in the same relationship. How can I have such different feelings then he does? That is when I start going into the "there must be something wrong with me" mode and that is why our feelings differ so much.
jj33 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Honey he is married. His need going into the relationship were much different than yours. Most of hte time a married person who cheats is not looking for the love of his life. He is looking to fill gaps in his marriage. Its a whole different mindset. You could have been his soulmate sent by the dalai lama but if he is committed to staying in his marriage then it doesnt matter. Just like some people can meet someone who is perfect for them but they respect their marital vows, others give themselves permission to get involved to a degree. These people are not interested in leaving. They are just looking to get their needs met. Yes they may develop deep feelings for the woman. And yes it messes with their heads too. But first and foremost they are married. And they dont want that to change. Also if I may generalize, men are often better at compartmentalizing than women. Sigh is a great girl I love her but... I am married. It can never be more than it is. End of story. Sometimes that changes but those instances are very very rare and the cases where it changes and the MM leaves and the relationships survive are even rarer. It doesnt mean it doesnt happen it does look at GEL or OW but... the fact that it didnt happen to you doesnt mean he didnt love you. It just means it wasnt meant to be more. But that does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means there is someone else out there for you. He was practice.
Author sigh Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 The logical, sane part of me knows this. He can't even give all of himself to is W who he promised that to. He never promised me anything. We both went into it as friends. I just happened to be the one that fell.
jj33 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 The tough part is not beating yourself up. And of course if you were friends and he went so far as to betray his Ws trust and he is not a bad guy generally then he must have had strong feelings for you. But ... these things are tricky. Its not black and white where someones feelings are concerned. People write how could he forget me why isnt he thinking of me etc etc but if you look at the threads on the adultery board the men in NC go through a lot of pain horrible withdrawal its not easy for them either. Not at all. Of course that doesnt make it any easier for you. But the only way to go is forward. Always easier to give someone else advice...
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I have been beating myself up pretty bad over my whole situation and I think it is starting to take it's toll on me. I have the recurring what is wrong with me that he so easily was able to have no regard for me as a person? How did I let myself fall for his cr&p? questions. I can not seem to shake it. I have also found myself painfully missing the man he pretended to be during our A. The attentive best friend, which is painful and seems to be always consuming my thoughts. My mind is just in a major whirlwind and I'm afraid I am never going to get out of it. What you are experiencing is what is called a guilty conscious and just deserts and THIS IS GOOD... Now instead of feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking about the "good times" of stabbing another person/family in the back, use these feelings to think about what if you were in her shoes and figure out if this is how love is suppose to be. I hope you are feeling better soon and that you really stop thinking about yourself and realize that you and he were wrong for each other the moment you found out he was married. And I hope you find a man who is honest and willing to respect you for the woman you are. DNR
Author sigh Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 I don't know if he is a bad guy or not. Who knows if I ever even knew him at all. Of course guilt plays a huge factor and is why I stopped things with him to being with. If anyone had to be hurt in this mess it deserved to be me
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I don't know if he is a bad guy or not. Who knows if I ever even knew him at all. Of course guilt plays a huge factor and is why I stopped things with him to being with. If anyone had to be hurt in this mess it deserved to be me Breaking vows to another = Bad Guy Betraying a trust = Bad Guy Cowardice in not facing the problems in his marriage = Bad Guy Willing to use another person = Bad Guy Lying to family and friends = Bad Guy Cheating on spouse = Bad Guy Hurting wife/families involved = Bad Guy Risking the physical health of his wife/family = Bad Guy Playing both sides of the fence = Bad Guy Does that answer if he were a bad guy or not? DNR
KismetGirl Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 That is one of the things I do not understand. We were both in the same relationship. How can I have such different feelings then he does? That is when I start going into the "there must be something wrong with me" mode and that is why our feelings differ so much. He might not have had different feelings for you, but were both in different places. You were single and free to revel in your emotions for him. He wasn't. Whatever feelings he had for you were tainted for him , perhaps, by guilt over cheating on his W. Not sure if he has kids, but that's a big factor as well. When you are single it's ok to have whatever feelings you want about someone, you are "allowed". When you're married and have those feelings, it's different, esepcially when you aren't ready to leave that marriage. my mm also never promised me false things, like that he was going to leave his W, or etc, so I start to wonder sometimes, does that mean he doesn't love me like I love him? No, not necessarily. It just means, maybe, that I don't have a spouse and three small children and a whole family way of life to break up like he does, so our decision-making when it comes to our personal happiness has different factors to consider. I only have my own feelings: MM has his, his wife, his kids, etc. He may not be in love with his W, but that doesn't mean he wants to hurt her either. If he was such a guy to just not care about dumping her and the kids without a thought, I probably wouldn't like him quite so much, so its a bit of a paradox. How he acts isn't a reflection on you. His decision not to leave his M isnt a reflection on you. He wanted you to date other people because he probably knew he wouldn't be ready to break up his family anytime soon, and didn't want you to waste your youth waiting around on him, because he DOES care about you. But just because you care about someone doesn't mean you can just change your whole life to be with them. That's reality, unfortunately. You have alot to offer someone else....keep NC with MM and one day you'll be ready to do it. I hope I am too, one day. I've been in a bad place lately and sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over him....but it has to happen, right? I was walking around the city the other night, looking at all these guys walking around, and thinking, in a city of 10 million people, there HAS to be someone else around that can make me feel this way, right? Reading some of your posts sounds like I could have written them, except I haven't found the strength to leave MM yet....you have and you need to keep strong and keep it up. One day you'll look back and wonder why you tortured yourself.
KismetGirl Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I don't know if he is a bad guy or not. Who knows if I ever even knew him at all. Of course guilt plays a huge factor and is why I stopped things with him to being with. If anyone had to be hurt in this mess it deserved to be me This also sounds like some self-deprecating thing I would say. I shut my mouth, don't tell him how I feel, don't tell his W what's going on, sit at home miserable while he's home with his family, accept the pitiful one or two hours he throws my way every week.....because I figure, hell, better for me to be miserable than to make his W and kids all upset if they find out, so I'll jsut suck it up and accept my miserable position. You don't deserve to be hurt, not even a little bit. Being hurt is inevitable in this situation, but don't think for a second you deserved it. Yes, to many people , they will say you should have taken a "moral" stance and never gotten involved with someone who was married to begin with, but whatever. HE was the married one, HE had the responsibility and comittement to his W, NOT you. He "deserves" just as much heartache as anyone else. You can't help how you feel about someone, and you are only human. People, even good people, make mistakes and let their emotions control their actions sometimes, and once you become invested, it's so so hard to leave. but you did, and for that I commend you. It's the hardest thing to do, and like I said, Im still struggling in a pit of depression , unsure how to get out even though I know WHAT to do, I dont know how. Self-pity doesn't help the healing process, it makes you feel worse. If you want to think you made a bad decision, then ok. If you feel guilty when you think about the wife or kids, that's ok, its normal. when I think about MM's kids I get a tad guilty sometimes, but then I think, their dad isn't leaving them to be with me so they'll be ok. Learn from your mistakes, but don't kill yourself over them.
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