luvncurls Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I've been dating someone for three months now. Both of us are full time grad students and we work a lot. I called him last night 2x's and once this morning plus an email. Wow, overkill, I can see that now. He responded to the email saying he was really busy and that I was stifling him because school is his number one priority. I understand that, but I am super stressed and let it get to me so I needed someone to talk to, I let him know that too and he is usually great about responding to my calls with at least a text saying that he is busy and he'll call me later. He didn't feel like talking and I did, and we clashed. I haven't been with anyone in a really long time and neither has he. I get all paranoid and scared that he will break up with me, but if he is going to break up with me, for that, do I really want him, does he really care about me? At this point I am just going to let him be and let him call me. Any ideas?
DaisyBelle Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 You made a mistake, but you caught it - good! Yes, you overwhelmed him with your contact overload yesterday/this morning. The best thing you can do for someone who's busy is to be supportive. What does that mean? Give him ample space. And he told you that and you understand that. Also good. When you feel stressed and want someone to talk to, come on here or find another friend or write in a blog or diary. It's important for you to find ways to be self-sufficient when you're stressed. Your relationship is new and I think over time, you can develop more closeness and support techniques. But you're still in the early stages and still learning about each other. During this stage, it's important to demonstrate to him that you have some solid techniques in place for taking care of yourself on your own. Not that you shouldn't rely on the person you care about, but more that you should demonstrate that you're not dependent on him for everything. I know what it's like, I've been in the same situation myself. But remember that the stress you feel is very internal and if you let it envelop him, too, it will only hurt your relationship with him. Because if he needs to eliminate stress, unfortunately, his relationship with you is the most expendable thing: he can't quit school, so he'll quit you. Bad. It sounds like you're aware of all this already and looking for reassurance. No one can predict what will happen in your relationship, but I bet if you make efforts to attack your stress in a more independent manner, that will bring you closer together. Good luck!
Ronni_W Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 The difficulty that I'm seeing is that you are assigning a different meaning to his words. For example, "I am too busy to talk" does NOT mean "I don't feel like talking." If you look at it from a more neutral place, it is your own behaviour (overkill on the contact) and your own putting a different spin on his words that is leading to your own irrational/fearful thoughts (that he may not care, that he may break with you.) Acting more self-sufficiently, you may have realized to call someone else within your 'personal support network' -- your mom or girlfriend or anyone else. Cos, in reality, your guy is NOT obligated to drop everything that is meaningful in the rest of his life every time you get stressed out or feel needy/insecure. Your expectation/belief about that is what is going to cause the break-up, NOT that he doesn't care about you. My guess is that he cares about you a great deal...THAT'S why he has been dating you for three months, yes?
Author luvncurls Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 You guys are right. I need to work on my stress in my own manner and let him be to work out his own. I have been on overload lately and I need to remember that I know how to take care of myself and have done so without him for a long time. I can still do it and make him a good part of my life. Stress management is always something to work on and I need to remember that. Thanks. I still do have that he'll leave fear. But I need to get over my own insecurities, for the same of this relationship and others I may have in the future. Thanks, Griselda
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