GrnEyedGemini Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 My bf of three and a half years has been lying to me. Lied to me for over a year about talking to a girl behind my back. Lied up til the day I confronted him about it. Then, confessed a few weeks ago, about giving his number to some chick at a club he was at with his brothers. Then, I recently caught him texting and calling some girl behind my back again. Says they were friends, but the numerous texts (56 in 4 hours, for instance) and lengthy convos (one was 45 minutes) tell me different. He hasn't talked to her since...I've looked at cell phone records since the account is in my name. MY problem is this: How do you rebuild the trust after lies? I completely trusted him. Never questioned anything he said. Was never a crazy jealous gf. Never really worried about him cheating on me or sneaking around. And then I get this slap in the face. I guess that's just reality, huh? Can't trust someone 100% without consequences. I don't like looking at him and seeing a liar. I don't like the feeling I get when something questionable, that was never questionable before, comes out of his mouth. I don't like being paranoid. I don't like not trusting him. But I know this comes with it. No one is perfect. Everyone lies. So my conundrum is a little more complex...my head says he will continue to lie to me so leave before I get even more hurt...my heart says you can't leave behind three and a half years and a planned future together over some lies. Because everyone lies. BUT...trust is a HUGE thing in relationships. Can it be rebuilt? How do you do that? Because right now all I want to do is follow him around, check his phone records, and question all that falls outta that lie-manufacturer he calls a mouth. I love him so much...I really don't feel leaving is the right thing to do. I want to work on this...I am totally commited to making this relationship work. AND...this is the first time trust has ever been an issue. But then again...I guess that could be because his lies are just now catching up to him? *sigh*...I don't know. I just don't know. How does this become ok again? How do I forgive and move on, if he is willing to quit lying, of course? How do you not keep thinking back to the indescrections later when the time comes for him to have a guy's night? How do I get these questions and worries outta my head? I know its not healthy to me or the relationship. But I don't know how to move past this....or even what is the best course of action to take.
Author GrnEyedGemini Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 I don't know that you can move past it. I knew a guy like this. You could tell he was lying 'cause his lips were moving. He was sooo convincing at first with his remorse and his promises to "never do it again." BS! I'm not saying this is YOUR guy, but how much time and energy do you want to continue to invest in someone with this type of personality? That is on my mind too.
Author GrnEyedGemini Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 It's difficult to think about ending a LTR, but how much MORE difficult if it's an even LONGER one? Just don't beat yourself up about whatever choice you make. But remember that you KNOW you're not a liar. At least you can rely on you. Story of my life!! Lol! Sucks when you think you found someone you can rely on, finally, and then they go and f it all up.
bukaresque Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Of what I understand, you don't seem to have kids with him, so try to put things in perspective. The last thing you should do is to commit yourself to someone you can't trust. Trust is the base of any relationship. Sit down with him, and ask him why he is lying. Be very open about it. What makes him do that? is it the sex? Is it attention? Does he need to feel like a man? Does he need more love? There is always a reason why. There is some unsatisfaction. It is mandatory that you gain that trust back if you want be with him. Allowing up to a year for that is better..... it takes time, and it depends of your paranoia and him revealing himself a bit more. Don't fall in the trap of " I can't trust him, but I can't leave him" that's just destructive. People can change if they want to.
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