JustBreathe Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I am planning to divorce my cheater H next year when my high schooler is 18 and can drive. I don't want to do the drop off/pick up kid thing and have to see my H ever again unless I have to. My other one still living at home will be 15 by then. I haven't seen a mediator yet. I do not know anything about divorce. I have been married 25 years. I know I don't want to be married to him anymore. It's all dead. We hardly talk anymore. It's so uncomfortable I just want to leave TODAY but I can't yet if I want everything to work the way I want it to. Frankly, I'm scared to death. What should I do to get prepared? Any ideas? I want to start planning in earnest now. I was saving money, but had to pay down our credit cards with it due to the economy. Now I have.... zero. Any suggestions as to what to do to get ready for this? I want to be smart about it. Should I leave my home? Honestly, I don't want to live there anymore. Too many memories. I want to start fresh. How does one person "buy out" the other person?
Lady Bird Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Speak with an attorney, gather their advice on how to handle and proceed. Many things depend on the state and/or country where you live. If you feel strongly about getting out definitely start saving money again, preferably a place that only you know because if placed in a savings account while married you may have to split with your husband. Good luck!
ilmw Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Just Google "preparing for a divorce".... I just did it... and there is loads of information.... ilmw
PWSX3 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I don't know your situation & I don't know the reasons you are wanting to leave, but why not try putting all that effort of leaving into your marriage? Have you thought of going to a marriage retreat or counseling? Did you love your H at one time? If so wouldn't you like to have that back again? I know they say; once someone is done with the marriage that it is over but I would still like to see my marriage work, but my stbxw gave up & I just hate to see people going thru a divorce even if they are the ones that want it. I know for some they say they are happier now then before & maybe down the road I'll say that as well, but for now keeping a marriage together I feel is better then walking away. Sorry if this is off topic since you are asking what to do to leave.
Lizzie60 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I am planning to divorce my cheater H next year when my high schooler is 18 and can drive. I don't want to do the drop off/pick up kid thing and have to see my H ever again unless I have to. My other one still living at home will be 15 by then. I haven't seen a mediator yet. I do not know anything about divorce. I have been married 25 years. I know I don't want to be married to him anymore. It's all dead. We hardly talk anymore. It's so uncomfortable I just want to leave TODAY but I can't yet if I want everything to work the way I want it to. Frankly, I'm scared to death. What should I do to get prepared? Any ideas? I want to start planning in earnest now. I was saving money, but had to pay down our credit cards with it due to the economy. Now I have.... zero. Any suggestions as to what to do to get ready for this? I want to be smart about it. Should I leave my home? Honestly, I don't want to live there anymore. Too many memories. I want to start fresh. How does one person "buy out" the other person? When I left my first ex... after 18 years.. I was the one who left the house, with old furniture from the basement. I wanted a fresh start on my own.. small apart. I couldn't afford anything big.. and we had to be close for our son, at first we had joint custody. I never went to consult a lawyer, I had been saving for a while so I had a couple of gran. All my money was attached to the house.. but he didn't want to sell it.. I was patient for 3 years, then I said he would have to either buy me out (which he didn't want to) or sell it.. we finally sold it... then I got my share. It's not easy.. but it's worth it.. It was extremely tough at first on everyone concerned.. it takes time.. but you'll see you'll have no regrets.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 one person can 'buy out' another through a HELOC, but it's tough times for one of those. May as well use the time you need to build your funds and for the banks to turn around to see if you can save this thing, right? 25 years is a good bit of time together. It couldn't all be bad.
Author JustBreathe Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 It IS all that bad, folks. This is the story: I knew he visited strip clubs and he was a horrible flirt but I figured that men are men and they need that so I just stuck my head in the sand for years. I raised our 3 boys alone as he never had much time for them. On top of that, I worked full time and did all the housework. I wasn't perfect, I know, but I loved him and tried to be a good 7 years ago I caught him having an affair with a woman from work. He defended her instead of trying to work on our marriage. He was cruel to me and said horrible things I won't ever forget. I was devastated to my soul. Cried without hardly stopping for months. Lost 15 lbs. off my already skinny body in 2 mos, almost lost my job, etc. I seriously wanted to die. 6 mo. later he tells me that in the 18 years we had been married, he has never been faithful. He had been seeing prosties, but he wanted to start anew with me. I guess I had put myself in denial. Instead of working on our marriage, which at that time I wanted to save it, about a yr. later, he left me for 4 months. I cried and cried. Just when I began thinking "What am I crying for? He's never been good to me" he comes back. I still had hope then, so I let him back. 2 more years of coldness on his part and sadness on mine. Then I found a hidden email account. He wouldn't open it and show me what was there so I kicked him out. That is when my love died. He was back in a week sobbing. I took him back even tho I was doing fine, for the kids. The older one joined the Marines, but there were still the younger ones, 9 and 12 yrs. old. After that, he did change. He has been a good father to his children now. Treats me well even though we're distant. He cleans the house and cooks all the time now, more than me in fact. He went to therapy for 2 years. He is trying. But unfortunately love I once had for him has faded. I will never get over everything. Divorce is the only way I can put this hurt behind me and spend what is left of my life happy. I need to heal. I only hope he will let me do it with dignity as he refuses to talk about divorce, talks about retirement like I'm supposed to stick around to dole out heart pills and change his diapers when he gets old. My kids are 14 and 17 now. I'm done. Next year the oldest will be driving and I can get my own place. Near to the high school for my youngest one. The oldest can drive his brother to see his father and I won't have to look at him anymore and feel like crying.
Lady Bird Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 JustBreathe, I'm sorry to hear about how bad things were for you. Have you thought about individual counseling? Not for the marriage but to help you heal. It sounds as if you may have resentments, not saying you don't have a right to have them yet help to move past them to be healthy.
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