Cabernet34 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I posted the following in the coping section a few weeks ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163348/ Readers Digest version, we had an LDR, fell in love, and got engaged. After the engagement, we moved her to a new city, to begin a new job (extreeeemely challenging job in the medical profession). Within 6 months, I was to leave my job, sell my house, move over 1000 miles so that we could be together. To say that she had some stressful things going on is an understatement. Then about 2 months ago, she quit talking to me. She won't return my calls or emails. I bet in 9 weeks we've spoken 4 or 5 times. And the conversations have been shallow because she cowers from talking about any real issues. In a shell totally describes her right now. I began reading and doing some research on depression and bipolar and wanted to share some thoughts. so hang with me here..... but here are some of the things that make me wonder what is going on. She has told me a couple of times that her mother was "not always reasonable", said that her mom "could be vicious sometimes". In fact, I'd tried to meet the mother several times, but my fiance apparently didn't want this to happen. Since our breakup, I have wondered if her Mom could be bipolar and un-diagnosed or something? After we became engaged, she seemed to become irritable and cranky. She said some mean things to me, even though we were not arguing at the time. Just an off comment like, "not that you care" or, "if you'd rather not be here, you can just go home". I would ask her why she would say such things. She would get very softspoken and say that she was just frustrated with the situation (1,000 miles apart.....even when we were together, we would dread having to part after the weekend). I noticed that the irritibility was becoming more common. Some phrases she used really alarmed me. Some phrases..... "I hate my life right now", "I'm just a reject I guess"....things of that nature. Like I said, I moved her to a new city and her job was intense. She would get home around 9:30 PM and call me. For the 1st two or three weeks, she didn't eat well and was not sleeping. I would beg her to go to bed so that she could get some rest to help her deal with all of the stress. Her response? "Then go....sorry to bother you" (keep in mind, this would happen at about 11:30 PM with her having to begin another 15 hour day at 6 am the next day. She would tell me that sleeping would not bring us closer together and that sleeping would not change a thing in the world. Next, she went from being irritable and bit of an insomniac, to hardly even speaking.... and falling asleep while on the phone. I would call her, she would basically sit on the phone just responding to my comments with a yes or a no, then pretty quickly, she would fall asleep while we were speaking. I would hang up, she would call back, and within a few minutes she would be asleep again. We were just not comminucating hardly at all. Then one day, she said she needed some space. Two months later, I can't get her on the phone and she won't respond to email. We still have to discuss the engagement ring... and some money stuff between us. I assume she is being responsible still at her job, and with her being in medicine, she seems to handle that work very well, but personal relationships, not so well. So sorry for being long winded. I could write about this for days. Maybe some one will ask me some questions and I can give more details. Can anyone weigh in. Could be some issues with depression or bipolar or am I just heartbroken?
Geishawhelk Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I hate to say this, but with such troublesome issues, there is nothing you can do to fix them. If there is a history of mental illness in her family, she'd obviously know it, but is either in complete denial, or actually believes there is nothing wrong and that it's all in your head. You can never convince a person like this, that there is a problem on their side. it's something they have to admit to - and for - themselves. What you have to do is to consider whether you have what it takes to see this through. You have to decide whether you even want to, or whether you have the stamina, fight and determination because you believe in the end it will have been worth it. I don't like to say this, but you need to go NC. I know, I know... you said there are issues regarding money and the ring. I don't know how much they are in value, but I would think the thing you also need to ask yourself - depending on how much, exactly, it all comes to (and no, I'm not asking you to reveal that!) - is: are they worth the hassle?
Author Cabernet34 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 Thanks for responding. I am curious if she has ever been diagnosed and maybe never told me? I don't plan on giving away a ring that set me back several thousand dollars without trying to get it back first. About the future, I don't see it happening unless she really changed her tune. I've been told some lies about some things. I thought that she had met someone else at first, but some things just don't add up. But now, I'm just curious if she is depressed to the point where it damaged our relationship. And I've read about bipolar....... she doesn't have any major symptoms of mania. I mean, her sex drive was pretty strong but somewhat normal. She bought me nice things but i wouldn't call it irresponsible spending as she was making good money. But she definately became more irritable, lost her appetite, cried a lot and sometimes uncontrollably, and could not sleep. I was curious if some of these things could be interpereted as mild symptoms of the mania stage? More prevalent was the signs of depression. The self loathing comments. The withdrawal from me has been strong. We never had a fallout or anything. The way it happened, she just had so much stress going on at once, then one day out of the blue, she quit communicating with me. I've struggled about the amount of contact I should go for. I have been giving her space but once every 10 days or so, I leave a message or an email just saying that i know things are tough right now, and that if she needs anyone to talk to, just call me up. I've read a lot about the benifits of NC, but if she is severely depressed, I don't feel comfortable compeletly dissappearing....even if it might help me heal. I want to adress the ring and money and make sure that I'm here as a friend if she needs me. I assume that even though it's dragging out a bit, I'll be OK when things are wrapped up.
Geishawhelk Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I hate when things like this happen, because although she's responsible, she may not be 'responsible'... if you see what I mean. I think you need to see her. You may be able to get a better impression of how things are with her if you can actually sit down and lay your cards on the table. It's tricky talking to someone who may have a mental problem, because they are so good at twisting things, avoiding the issues and lying.... and the worst victim is themselves..... I don't know what your instincts are but - and I've said this before - you can't fix her. I think you know that. Maybe what you fear is that if you break it off it may tip her over the edge....huh? THis may be why it might be a good idea to speak to her and voice your concerns - and ask her outright if there's a family problem or history..... Crikey what a mess.... Whatever you do, truly I really wish you all the best. Whaddya think?
ChickenAce Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 As a male who has got severe depression, I wouldn't advocate any girl to be with me. In fact I shouldn't even like or want to be with a girl but I can't help it sometimes, I just do. I don't have all the answers but I believe it can and will work for some people and am glad good things do happen. Thank God
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