BCCA Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 I know what you mean about giving anyone a second chance again..maybe if i was the dumper and i changed my mind,... i might be willing then.. hopefully that wont ever be the case i thought i understood the mistakes i made form the first round..i guess not. Now that i had my second chance... Right now im trying to learn from what mistakes i made in this relationship... but i tend to only blame myself,,, like it was all my fault for the relationship not working,, i guess that is common for the dumpee...?? BCCA, I was wondering what was some of your issues that you think lead to your breakup? I often wonder is it really the issues?... or is it the simple fact that one person is just not willing to fix the issues... because there is always something that need's to be worked on in a relationship especially if you made it past the fun.. la laaa la stage... I think you hit the nail on the head...when someone breaks up with you, it basically comes down to the fact that they dont want to make an effort for you anymore. Any other reasons that come along with it are more than likely not as important as the person is making them out to be (exceptions being cheating/not working/drug use). My ex was selfish, and I ignored the warning signs. She forgot our anniversary earlier this year. I should have ended it on the spot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 yes the warning signs... how i ignored those i wonder if he hadnt cheated would we still be together...? or if i hadnt kept nagging him and being suspicious about him cheating, to the point of being nutty...would we still be together,, because it seems to me he was trying to mend things in that last month while i was just acting crazy and suspicious. I told him at one point that if i ever found out that he cheated that i would be devastated... i probably shouldnt have told him that... which leads me to believe if i had just" let it go",,, like he told me to... then maybe it could have been one of those things what you dont know wont hurt you ....and we would have been ok... or if i hadnt said i'd be devastated.. then maybe he would have opened up to me about cheating and maybe we could have worked throu it... Question.. Was his cheating and trying to "let it go" and my constant nagging and acting nutty.. is it possible he just thought it was all to much for me to get over and he felt guilt so instead of working on it he just cut and ran?. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I think you should probably think about why you suspected him of cheating. Generally, you dont just flip out on someone youve been with and all of a sudden wonder if theyre cheating, you probably picked up the vibe. Anyone would be devistated by their bf/gf cheating, and I'm sure he felt guilty about it, but that doesnt change the fact that he willingly cheated on you. what you dont know wont hurt you Don't sell yourself that short. Thats almost like saying its ok as long as you dont find out - its not ok, period. I really think that your feelings about him cheating were probably right all along, and he probably got upset because he figured there was no way you could know, and of course, people who cheat arent exactly the most honest of people to begin with. Regardless of what might have happened, you dont want to be mixed up with someone who cheats on you. You cant beat yourself up wondering what would have happened if you didnt find out or call him on it, thats insane. Me, personally, I consider cheating an absolute deal breaker. Others might disagree, but I dont condone it at all ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 i know it sounds like im selling my self short..he cheated... and i really wish non of this ever happened he probably got upset because he figured there was no way you could know, you mean.. he truely believed i must be nutz because how could i know OR he was upset because if he told me the truth it would mean the end of the smooth sailing relationship (for him) Sorry ... im sitting here trying to figure out if he felt really bad, but was trying to keep us together despite his cheating.. Im trying to find somethin to make myself feel better about all this,, and create answers that i cant get from him. yes cheating should be a deal breaker,, he probably did me a favor to break up with me first before confessing he did cheat..i really dont know what i would have done if he told me he cheated and let me deal with the info... im thinking i would have been in shock for awhile..eventually i would have broken it off but not right away... but yah i guess it doesnt matter... Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 he was upset because if he told me the truth it would mean the end of the smooth sailing relationship (for him) BINGO! He didn't want to give up having you AND whatever else he was doing behind your back. It was probably great for him, albeit extremely selfish. People have a way of not really thinking about how what they do affects other people. Its easier to look at things only from the view of whats working for ME right now. He felt guilty. Even if he was thinking of staying together, he was cheating on you, so it was almost a sham. He didn't want to stay with you because you were the one he saw himself with longterm, he wanted to stay because he was able to hang out with you and cheat at the same time. He might not be able to pull it off with someone else. No, it doesnt matter. You deserve better than that. I would rather be alone than with someone who was cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 He didn't want to stay with you because you were the one he saw himself with longterm, he wanted to stay because he was able to hang out with you and cheat at the same time. He might not be able to pull it off with someone else. Ok then ... my ex has general issues with commitment??.. or he was just using me until, he cheated on me with the person he could commit to? is this what you mean? or something different? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 He's not committing to anyone. He's being selfish, only thinking about whats working for him. He probably kept you longer than he should have because it was convenient, and you were his fallback. Also, guys hate starting new relationships...its a drag. Sex is initially awkward, you have no comfort level, youre ashamed to fart/use the bathroom, etc. Thats why guys stay in unhappy relationships a lot longer than they should. My basic point is this: your ex is a selfish person, and was using both you and the other person he was cheating with as pawns for his own happiness. He didnt really give too much consideration to anyones feelings but his. He wasnt the right one for you. If he was, he wouldnt have ever cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 right i see what your saying and mostly i feel it may have been the case.. But not everyone that cheats is a repeat offender ,, I do believe that sometimes people do mess up and regret it.. THat maybe they didnt really want to end the relationship, but they knew if they told the person it would be devastating and that would ultimiltly ruin the relationship in the long term...UNless they went to counseling and both were strong and knew what it would take to make it work out. That being said,,, My ex did tell me it was a "one time thing"... he did know that i said id be "devastated"... he also knew how much he was going to be out of town the rest of the year for work.. and he cheated while out of town. So my theory for his breaking it off with me so bluntly is because he probably knew id be paranoid everytime he left town(for good reason,mind you i was already paranoid). and that overall it would cause alot of stress and pain for us to get through... Add on.. him being Selfish.. Which he really was selfish in our relationship(mainly cause he is a workaholic) and he never deals with stress well at all...he infact eliminates stress where he can. He ultimitly decided for us both that we could not work through his cheating and then threw in the crap about financial differences(making sure i couldnt argue that point). and that was it he Broke up with me.. in a quick clean cut and dry way... almost as if to keep from feeling his own hurt and or guilt. therefore not having to face himself and his actions.. and ending so as not to have stress in his life.. making him incredibly cowardess... anyways i had to put that out there because in my heart and knowing my ex... i feel that is mainly why he did what he did..atleast that is where my head is right now.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 ok So do i sound delusional about this theory?? BCCA? Anyone?? i mean i guess im trying to add it all up in my own head and try and figure it all out...So i wont contact him... Then again there where times i would obsess over some things that may have been annoying to him,, that could have been an added reason as to why he broke up with me. I feel it is a part of my characther that comes out when i feel insecure or about a topic i feel needs to be addressed but dont know when to stop asking questions about that topic..(like right know..hah!) I have to go vote.. YAHOO!! Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Yay that you're voting! ! I personally don't think your ex is leaving you to save you from hurt. That kind of action really only happens in movies, in my opinion, and if you really suspect that to be his reason, then your ex must be one over the top dramatist. There are probably other reasons why he left. Unfortunately, you may never find out precisely why. When my ex dumped me he said "you talk too loud in restaurants and you level your alt's too slowly on WoW". Now, I may never know if those are the true reasons, but I sincerely doubt it. lol. I mean if they are, thats sweet for me, because at least I had no major personality flaws. The truth is though, he left me for another woman. Why was she more alluring than me? I don't know. I tried hard to figure out when we first broke up, but now I've just kind of found my own closure. Thats what you may end up having to do too. Begin to accept that the relationship is over, and no matter how you reason the breakup for happening, the net result is the same: he left you. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Trust me, him leaving you had nothing to do with saving your feelings, and everything to do with him not wanting to deal with the relationship any longer. Like I always say, where there is a will, there is a way. If two people want to make it work, it will work. He probably just felt guilty about what he did (or was doing, you never really know), and got tired of feeling like a bad guy. Also, as far as cheating is concerned, I take a pretty hard line stance. In my book, when you cheat, you are willingly risking losing your bf/gf forever for some booty. I dont care if you were lonely, had too much to drink or had the worst day ever, there is no excuse. I was out of town for months when I had a gf, and never once even considered cheating. I tell people this all the time, the reason for any breakup is pretty simple if you look at its most basic element: he did not feel like making an effort to keep this relationship going. Thats it, anything else is just noise that he throws on there to make it seem like he was justified or not such a terrible person. Cheating also tells me he wasnt all that invested in the relationship, so he probably stayed longer than he intended to because it was easier. Men are lazy. You have to stop worrying about why he did anything. Who cares anymore, hes out of your life. Anyone who doesnt want you around isnt worth worrying about. Not everyone in the world is going to like you, but the ones that matter will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 Man i was so hungover yesterday!!! anyways thanks tokyovogue and Bcca I realize that he left me,,, i am trying to make sense of it to myself . I have been beating myself up over this and feel like i was left in the dust for no good reason. I feel like **** because he started to make a great deal more money then me and that i am left with feeling like a loser in more then one way. His business is doing well.. im trying hard to get an art show.. im struggling to keep a float and keep myself-worth high... thou it keeps falling low... mainly because I feel he like he thought i wasnt successful enough. Its hard to make myself feel good when all can think of is him flyng around first class everywhere,, eating out at fancy restaurants hanging out with his clients drinking martini's and smoking cigars,,, living large. Mean while im struggling, if i atleast had a show coming up i'd feel better, but i don't. All the time we dated I helped him emotionally and always helped him through the hard times with his newly starting business.. i was there for him,, it seems the minute he started making his CEO pay,,, he got rid of me. As if to trade me in for something better// for a girl that doesnt where jeans all the time.... sorry venting.. So it sucks ,, it all sucks i was kicked to the curb..i feel like dirt. four months later i still think about it every day! i think im going to hold off as long as i can,, but i know eventually im going to write him,, i just dont know when or what exactly but i know for me to have complete closure i will have to talk to him at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 You too can earn that CEO pay, you too can smoke 'em cigars, you too can fly first class, you can wear jeans all the time so long as you comfortable in your own skin, BUT you must now start FOCUSING ON YOU and not him or what was. FOCUS on YOU AND YOUR GOALS. Never seen anyone that drives a car staring all the time at the rearview mirror. You look forward whilst 'driving", you have to drive your goals and ambitions and not stare in the rearview mirror. It might take a while but so long as you have a plan and do not STARE in the rearview mirror but steal glimpses as a stack reminder of where you need to go, you should be fine. BUT IT STARTS WITH YOU AND NOT HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 SRV Thankyou ... for your words,, its hard to look forward sometimes when its seem's the past is not finished. i know that i must continue with my goals.. but they seem so hard to attain at time's impossible and i get jealous of what my ex has achieved..especially when i helped him get there.. and im struggling on my own. i loved your driving analogy... ha ha,, yes that is me right now.. perhaps even the car is in reverse.. but im trying to put myself back in drive.. not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 this is too funny!! but also embarressing.... I have an Iphone which i have had since JAN> But Just last night i had someone fix my email account on my phone... well that person fixed it COOL!!! ALL the sudden my phone said it had SENT messages.... I was like WHAT messages? Well i checked the sent message paper airplane thingy and it said it had sent my Ex a message that was supposed to be sent(AS A JOKE) to him back in MAY ...May 5th 2008 when he was trying to help set up my email account.. This message was Finally delivered last night... it said and ONLY said "My ass" GEEZUS after NO CONTACT with someone for four months .. THIS is the message my EX gets from me!... hopefully he saw the origanal date of the email... i hope!!!! im embarressed!! GOD out of all the things i would have said or planned in my head to say IF i ever was to contact him... THIS IS NOT what i had ever imagined to have said!! LOL !!! Ahhhh!!! HAs anything as silly as this ever happened to anyone??? UGGG!!!! i feel so wierd! haha im still kinda chuckling even thou it is so strange that something like that happened after all this time. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I've never had that happen before, but you have to admit...its pretty funny. I'm sure he'll see the date and realize when it was sent, or he'll laugh and scratch his head over what it was all about. It's already sent, too late to worry about it any more Link to post Share on other sites
LookinFWD Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I think the main thing is whether or not you have a nice ass when you send someone a message that says "my ass". Link to post Share on other sites
Author L-FUZZ Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 well he always said i had a great ass ... so hopefully it just made him miss it... yeah it was a funny message... after it was sent i was kinda hoping it would give him a reason to joke back with me ...he didnt... i guess that kinda bugs me.. but then again he may think i dont know that my phone sent that.. especially if he saw the date being may 5th..and therefore didnt respond... i have been analyzing this... more then i should over such i silly message... Link to post Share on other sites
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