most "coping" threads

[movingonandon]

are pretty egoistical (no judgement intended), in a sense that they understandably center on dealing with the sense of loss/betrayal/not having the once so valued relationship anymore - i.e. our own pain, while elminating any sort of consideration of the ex (usually portrayed as pretty evil; true as it is in many cases, that's obviously a self-serving oversimplification, though a very useful one).

 

So the advice usually is to just go NC, which i fully concur with, since this is the fastest and the most reliable way to pull yourself through, and I've been pretty successful with this part.

 

The part I'm not succesful with however is not being able to let go (perhaps forgive myself), for all the little moments I've mistreated my ex. I've never done anything abusive, ever, but I have a pretty difficult and abrupt personality, and I can recall tens and tens of flashbacks of situations in which I'll just be annoyed with her, or just be quiet and grumpy, or unapreciative etc... So such memories don't give me peace. I'm not even missing the relationship as such anymore, and I have no desire to even think about second chance, but this type of memories are still very painful.

So that's a problem that I have not seen too much written about... So what gives?

[Bob54]

It's called REGRETS. Sounds like you've got `em...those little blue devils that hang around your conciousness and won't go away. remembering allthe words you said and now wish you could take back. Knowing you hurt her and sadly, friend, that can't be erased.

 

Which is probably why you two aren't together anymore. And won't be again. Why would she (or any good woman) want to be with a man who says mean things to her and devalues her sense of self-worth?

 

Lesson to you? Next time you get a girl, curb that tongue. Think before you speak...or you'll find yourself alone, talking to yourself a lot...and filled with even more REGRETS.

[Peter_pan]

with you all the way on this one bud i was exactly the same to my ex. i have regrets. nothing will erase them tbh. and its too late to go back and "fix" them.

[lofi_tokyo]

with you all the way on this one bud i was exactly the same to my ex. i have regrets. nothing will erase them tbh. and its too late to go back and "fix" them.

 

 

Yup. I made some mistakes too. I think the only reason I don't obsess is that ... the person who made mistakes then, that was who I needed to be at the time. They didn't feel like mistakes, they felt like me being honest and open and saying or doing what I needed to do. I realize now they probably pushed my ex away, but if I had not done what I did well, I probably would have hated myself more.

 

Gotta learn from my mistakes I guess, and see how they don't need to be repeated ;p

[Chinook]

Actually, it's never too late to fix things. Well maybe not fix things, but just simply saying 'I'm sorry' and meaning it, can make a difference in the life of the person you hurt. I've been on both sides of this where I've hurt and been hurt... and I can honestly tell you, if the guy who hurt me had simply just said 'I'm sorry that I hurt you' then, I guess I could have moved on a little easier. What was hard was the thought that he really didn't give a $hit and ignored what happened. No closure for me, no answers, I was simply cut off and walked away from. It transpired later he was already cheating with someone else which hurt even more. But I wasn't really bothered after the fact because he was already gone, what hurt more was his mouth and the way he could talk to me without thinking. If he had regrets about that, he never said so and so it has taken me a long time to a) stop seeing myself as worthless, b) stop blaming myself for being a failure and inadequate and finally c) get a handle on how I feel about it all and how to move on. I think if he'd simply said 'we're not going back, but I want you to know, I'm sorry' it may have helped me to deal more effectively with what happened. As it is, even now, 18 months down the line, I still struggle.

[JooLee]

i think im going through exactly just that chinook.

and i reli hope i'll get by as fast as i can.

of course i had my share of mistakes, but the worthless feeling he left me with... thats something i really got to deal with.

i know im worth it and i deserve better, but it makes me doubt myself when i think of how i could jus be thrown away like that.

its a battle. but im not going to let the negative win.

[movingonandon]

Yup. I made some mistakes too. I think the only reason I don't obsess is that ... the person who made mistakes then, that was who I needed to be at the time. They didn't feel like mistakes, they felt like me being honest and open and saying or doing what I needed to do. I realize now they probably pushed my ex away, but if I had not done what I did well, I probably would have hated myself more.

 

Gotta learn from my mistakes I guess, and see how they don't need to be repeated ;p

 

 

Well this is probably true, though still not an excuse (i'm only talking about my case...). Ironically, the qualities that attracted her to me in the first place (strong, assertive, no bull**** etc.) eventually were also the ones that pushed her away (i.e. I persisted with the attitude when what she really needed was emphaty, not fatherly problemj solving...). But as you say, if this didn't happen, I probably would not realise the need to turn to other, less developed aspects of myu character

[movingonandon]

Actually, it's never too late to fix things. Well maybe not fix things, but just simply saying 'I'm sorry' and meaning it, can make a difference in the life of the person you hurt. I've been on both sides of this where I've hurt and been hurt... and I can honestly tell you, if the guy who hurt me had simply just said 'I'm sorry that I hurt you' then, I guess I could have moved on a little easier. What was hard was the thought that he really didn't give a $hit and ignored what happened. No closure for me, no answers, I was simply cut off and walked away from. It transpired later he was already cheating with someone else which hurt even more. But I wasn't really bothered after the fact because he was already gone, what hurt more was his mouth and the way he could talk to me without thinking. If he had regrets about that, he never said so and so it has taken me a long time to a) stop seeing myself as worthless, b) stop blaming myself for being a failure and inadequate and finally c) get a handle on how I feel about it all and how to move on. I think if he'd simply said 'we're not going back, but I want you to know, I'm sorry' it may have helped me to deal more effectively with what happened. As it is, even now, 18 months down the line, I still struggle.

 

 

did that, said sorry and meant it; didn't help much, but at least she knows that i know;

 

it sounds like you were 'forced' to break up, in which case whatever you did is probably not quite as bad...

[Sysyphus28]

Surprise folks, I haven't gotten an apology either. Just some good old fashioned cruelty served up in a pie thrown right into my face.

She has not acknowledged how poorly she has handled this. She has not shown ANY sympathy or compassion. She just moved onto another dude, and left me in the dust. CHINOOK and JOOLEE, you both have sought after some closure right?

And instead you got cold indifference and you the "dumper" turned thier back on you?

Together, we have to summon all of our common sense and logic and realize that this cold indifference and awful treatment is closure.

 

This is how ALOT of "dumpers" handle themselves at the end of relationship....PISS POOR!!

Immature and cowardly.

[movingonandon]

i think im going through exactly just that chinook.

and i reli hope i'll get by as fast as i can.

of course i had my share of mistakes, but the worthless feeling he left me with... thats something i really got to deal with.

i know im worth it and i deserve better, but it makes me doubt myself when i think of how i could jus be thrown away like that.

its a battle. but im not going to let the negative win.

 

well good luck of course! in my case, i found it curious that this seems to be one of the hardest aspects of the break up to deal with!

yes, it makes me doubt myself, because when I start obsessing over these things makes me think that maybe I just somehow misled her into being in a relationship with me, without really deserving it; which is stoopid of course, she had plenty of things i wasn't crazy about either. the difference was that i was mostly nagging about them, not breaking up with her because of them...

[movingonandon]

Surprise folks, I haven't gotten an apology either. Just some good old fashioned cruelty served up in a pie thrown right into my face.

She has not acknowledged how poorly she has handled this. She has not shown ANY sympathy or compassion. She just moved onto another dude, and left me in the dust. CHINOOK and JOOLEE, you both have sought after some closure right?

And instead you got cold indifference and you the "dumper" turned thier back on you?

Together, we have to summon all of our common sense and logic and realize that this cold indifference and awful treatment is closure.

 

This is how ALOT of "dumpers" handle themselves at the end of relationship....PISS POOR!!

Immature and cowardly.

 

 

I'm even past this anger stage... I mention this because she ended the relationship not because I was so "unbearable" as such, but because she decided to go for another guy "friend", with whom she's been getting close for months while I've been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong.

So when I apologised, the only thing I got back is more justification on her part about what she did, rather than also taking responsibility for her behavior. WHich was to pack and leave, rather that work it out. Which is fine, but at least acknowledge it, don't try to make me "understand" and justify it...

[alwayssme]

are pretty egoistical (no judgement intended), in a sense that they understandably center on dealing with the sense of loss/betrayal/not having the once so valued relationship anymore - i.e. our own pain, while elminating any sort of consideration of the ex (usually portrayed as pretty evil; true as it is in many cases, that's obviously a self-serving oversimplification, though a very useful one).

 

So the advice usually is to just go NC, which i fully concur with, since this is the fastest and the most reliable way to pull yourself through, and I've been pretty successful with this part.

 

The part I'm not succesful with however is not being able to let go (perhaps forgive myself), for all the little moments I've mistreated my ex. I've never done anything abusive, ever, but I have a pretty difficult and abrupt personality, and I can recall tens and tens of flashbacks of situations in which I'll just be annoyed with her, or just be quiet and grumpy, or unapreciative etc... So such memories don't give me peace. I'm not even missing the relationship as such anymore, and I have no desire to even think about second chance, but this type of memories are still very painful.

So that's a problem that I have not seen too much written about... So what gives?

 

 

i understand how you feel because i feel like that ALOT too sometimes, but remember that nobody is perfect and that sounds like it's all talk but it's the truth, and if someone truly loves you, they will accept you for you or at least give you chances to change. i have to remind myself of that. i wish he would give me another chance because i truly have changed..people DO change, but unfortuantely sometimes it's too late

[EmperorR]

My ex cheated on me showed no remorse at all, I just got a sorry for breaking your heart and that's it.

 

Sometimes I'm angry, but I already forgave her, I just get angry because i just feel like I was used after all i did for her.

[movingonandon]

i understand how you feel because i feel like that ALOT too sometimes, but remember that nobody is perfect and that sounds like it's all talk but it's the truth, and if someone truly loves you, they will accept you for you or at least give you chances to change. i have to remind myself of that. i wish he would give me another chance because i truly have changed..people DO change, but unfortuantely sometimes it's too late

 

well thank you, this actually made me feel better... not that I'm looking for excuses or rationalizations, but nothing of what i did was any worse than what pretty much any inexperienced guy would do when feeling a little too cocky or "right". not that this makes the kind of behavior i'm talking about (authoritatian/condescending) any more acceptable, of course. I should also mention that we had one semi-breakup (before I knew about the budding feelings for that other guy), and we did get back togethet with me trying to reassure her that everything would be ok. i don't think i did such a good job in "changing" for these several weeks, but then it was too late with the other guy in the equation..

[movingonandon]

My ex cheated on me showed no remorse at all, I just got a sorry for breaking your heart and that's it.

 

Sometimes I'm angry, but I already forgave her, I just get angry because i just feel like I was used after all i did for her.

 

Dude, at least you got a sorry! I didn't get ****.

[Ronni_W]

she ended the relationship not because I was so "unbearable"

Well, not that You-the-Human-Being had become unbearable, of course not...but that your "nagging about" the "plenty of things" she had that you weren't crazy about, became unbearable. And also how you described the way you used to treat her...over time, that would have become unbearable, too.

 

So...kinda sounds like she was subjected to some esteem- and confidence-destroying behaviour on your part (which is what went wrong, it would seem), and which is probably why she doesn't feel that any apologies are due to you.

 

But. Do you want an apology, or would you prefer to hear that she forgives you for your behaviour?

My guess is that, once you are successful at forgiving yourself for how you acted/treated her (as you mentioned in your first post), you totally will not need her forgiveness.

[movingonandon]

Well, not that You-the-Human-Being had become unbearable, of course not...but that your "nagging about" the "plenty of things" she had that you weren't crazy about, became unbearable. And also how you described the way you used to treat her...over time, that would have become unbearable, too.

 

So...kinda sounds like she was subjected to some esteem- and confidence-destroying behaviour on your part (which is what went wrong, it would seem), and which is probably why she doesn't feel that any apologies are due to you.

 

But. Do you want an apology, or would you prefer to hear that she forgives you for your behaviour?

My guess is that, once you are successful at forgiving yourself for how you acted/treated her (as you mentioned in your first post), you totally will not need her forgiveness.

 

 

Good points, thank you, i believe it worked this way... for the most part.

 

I apologized, however, and I still think that she owes me a major apology too.

 

So there were clearly some insecurity issues that I did not became aware of until it was way too late, and yes, I only made them worse. The worst of my nagging was directed to her finally finishing her goddamned doctoral degree (I finished mine 2 years before the break up). I undestand how opressing this is (post factum), and she has even told me that she felt like a failure when I was talking to her like that. The problem was that I felt "justified", since all I wanted was for her to finally be done so we could plan our lives together. (We lived together for 3 years, then LDR for 2 years, and I was really was looking forward to being done with this. She didn't seem too concerned (not in her intentions, but in the way she worked towards her degree...), which only intensified my 'attacks'. Also, at the time she dumped me, she entered her 7th (that's right - SEVENTH!) year of her doctoral program, without even having defended a proposal yet (and you need at least another year to actually finish after defending a proposal...). So emphaty or no, this is clearly a major problem which I was hoping that I am giving her a sense of urgency to solve... (and it's not an issue of ability - she's super smart and perfectly capable of finishing - she has an engineering BS from CalTech for crying out loud...)

But, in the end of the day, I got it all wrong, of course, no doubt about it. So she substituted me for a loser fellow graduate student, who struggles to barely pass his semester exams, but hey, at least she doesn't feel insecure aroung him. THe problem is she is not happy.

She made a half-hearted attempt to come back, which I could not even consider, precisely because all she was worried about is to justify how she felt and what made her do it, rather than at least acknowledge what she inflicted on me. No matter how I've behaved, there is no justification for betrayal. As much as my nagging has been unbearable for her, her being in limbo has been unbearable to me, but I didn't go "get close" to somebody else to make myself feel better. So yes, she owes me an apology (technically, not that I care anymore...). And I did apologize to her, not that this make me feel much better.... How if I could only forgive myself, I'd enjoyu the forthcoming dates a lot mote...

[Ronni_W]

at least acknowledge what she inflicted on me. No matter how I've behaved, there is no justification for betrayal.

Sorry, didn't quite follow that...are you saying she owes you an apology for cheating on you? Maybe that is a genuine need of people who have been cheated on, but I am not sure that too many of those apologies have been given in the history of humanity.

 

Is it just me, or did you become rather..."excited" (angry?) as you were typing that? Or maybe not "angry" but...something??? Like there's something deeper that is bugging you, than what you've posted...or maybe even have gotten to, during your own reflections?

 

Or maybe it's just me -- in which case, nevermind

[ioncebelieved]

are pretty egoistical (no judgement intended), in a sense that they understandably center on dealing with the sense of loss/betrayal/not having the once so valued relationship anymore - i.e. our own pain, while elminating any sort of consideration of the ex (usually portrayed as pretty evil; true as it is in many cases, that's obviously a self-serving oversimplification, though a very useful one).

 

So the advice usually is to just go NC, which i fully concur with, since this is the fastest and the most reliable way to pull yourself through, and I've been pretty successful with this part.

 

The part I'm not succesful with however is not being able to let go (perhaps forgive myself), for all the little moments I've mistreated my ex. I've never done anything abusive, ever, but I have a pretty difficult and abrupt personality, and I can recall tens and tens of flashbacks of situations in which I'll just be annoyed with her, or just be quiet and grumpy, or unapreciative etc... So such memories don't give me peace. I'm not even missing the relationship as such anymore, and I have no desire to even think about second chance, but this type of memories are still very painful.

So that's a problem that I have not seen too much written about... So what gives?

 

When you have really hurt, like me, like others here it is a genuine pain! At that time, nothing else seems to matter and I only speak from a Man's point of view where I gave my very best to my ex and never, and I mean ever did I mistreat her.

 

I have no regrets on the treatment given to my ex. I will always be puzzled on how could I mix up her true feelings for me... were they real, were they sincere?

 

Still I struggle with the very last day we spent together and I was never prepared that day was the last day. That alone I regret because I would have done things differently.

 

We all have our crosses to bear. Mine will always be what I did not do, what I did not say on that last day. Even though I cannot claim being dumped or being the dumper.

 

One thing I do know is that I will always be left loving my ex the same regardless of what happened with us.

 

When LS posters post on here, it is about them the poster!!! That I understand with everything in me!

[movingonandon]

Sorry, didn't quite follow that...are you saying she owes you an apology for cheating on you? Maybe that is a genuine need of people who have been cheated on, but I am not sure that too many of those apologies have been given in the history of humanity.

 

Is it just me, or did you become rather..."excited" (angry?) as you were typing that? Or maybe not "angry" but...something??? Like there's something deeper that is bugging you, than what you've posted...or maybe even have gotten to, during your own reflections?

 

Or maybe it's just me -- in which case, nevermind

 

 

I did get a little upset . But the reason is that not that I expect a general apology for being cheated on - as you say those are rare, and that's fine - make your choices and move on. But one would think that it is a common sense to provide an apology of some kind *if* the person who cheated says that they want to come back and try again... which is what was the case here. She didn't even break up with this guy before talking to me about getting back with me (which essentially means she was cheating on him, not that I care about the bugger). Hence the frustration - of course I'd have liked to try again - at the time she contacted me, but I need at least a little something to work with... I don't think it is unreasonably prideful of me to expect some evidence that she won't feel entitled to go screw around every time things go sour between us. Thanks for listening.

[movingonandon]

When you have really hurt, like me, like others here it is a genuine pain! At that time, nothing else seems to matter and I only speak from a Man's point of view where I gave my very best to my ex and never, and I mean ever did I mistreat her.

 

I have no regrets on the treatment given to my ex. I will always be puzzled on how could I mix up her true feelings for me... were they real, were they sincere?

 

Still I struggle with the very last day we spent together and I was never prepared that day was the last day. That alone I regret because I would have done things differently.

 

We all have our crosses to bear. Mine will always be what I did not do, what I did not say on that last day. Even though I cannot claim being dumped or being the dumper.

 

One thing I do know is that I will always be left loving my ex the same regardless of what happened with us.

 

When LS posters post on here, it is about them the poster!!! That I understand with everything in me!

 

 

So what happened on that last day that you regret not doing?

 

The mistreatment I'm talking about is being a difficult person to live with. Even with this, I think that I've done a lot of very nice stuff for my ex, BUT knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I think that at least I can say that there is absolutely nothing else that I could have done to save my relationship (other than being a different person all along), so at least on that front I've got some peace.

 

I like the line that we all have crosses to bear - yes, it may be somewhat childish that our pasts will somehow cleanse themselves and give us peace.

 

Btw. my own fiasco also happened in Georgia

[Ronni_W]

But one would think that it is a common sense to provide an apology of some kind *if* the person who cheated says that they want to come back and try again...

Okay, I think I got it this time: You're pissed off cos she didn't use her common sense when she tried to reconcile with you (??? - did I get it ???)

 

Which of course is you assuming that "common sense" is intricately linked with high IQ (which, honestly, hasn't been proven to me, yet -- smart people can act extremely dumb .)

 

But there's also the question of which person's "common sense" you are basing your "common sense" on...don't you sometimes get the, er, sense that "common sense" is the most UNIQUE sense on the planet?

 

If you won't mind me suggesting: You acted extremely controlling, to the point of bullying/abusiveness. She acted extremely passive, to the point of being your victim.

The relationship, really, was the *perfect* playground for EACH of you to learn assertiveness and positive communication skills. You BOTH missed out on those lessons.

 

It's fine. Forgive yourself for your part in the fiasco...and don't give her the power that keeps you feeling pissed off and like you're missing something that she "owes" you. You are perfectly lovable and acceptable exactly as you are today. And that is really what counts, yes?

[ioncebelieved]

So what happened on that last day that you regret not doing?

 

The mistreatment I'm talking about is being a difficult person to live with. Even with this, I think that I've done a lot of very nice stuff for my ex, BUT knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I think that at least I can say that there is absolutely nothing else that I could have done to save my relationship (other than being a different person all along), so at least on that front I've got some peace.

 

I like the line that we all have crosses to bear - yes, it may be somewhat childish that our pasts will somehow cleanse themselves and give us peace.

 

Btw. my own fiasco also happened in Georgia

 

My fiasco occurred in NC, it was a LDR. If I knew the last day was going to be just that, I would have said things face to face and done more loving things. My ex was a coward about things and sort of ended it over the phone. I had been pulling away for months before this happen. I was not real nice on the last day because the ex did things that upset me. I was very distant on that day.

[Chinook]

did that, said sorry and meant it; didn't help much, but at least she knows that i know;

 

it sounds like you were 'forced' to break up, in which case whatever you did is probably not quite as bad...

erm, I was dumped, so yea, it was 'forced' but I didn't do anything wrong. He cheated.

[movingonandon]

Okay, I think I got it this time: You're pissed off cos she didn't use her common sense when she tried to reconcile with you (??? - did I get it ???)

 

Which of course is you assuming that "common sense" is intricately linked with high IQ (which, honestly, hasn't been proven to me, yet -- smart people can act extremely dumb .)

 

But there's also the question of which person's "common sense" you are basing your "common sense" on...don't you sometimes get the, er, sense that "common sense" is the most UNIQUE sense on the planet?

 

If you won't mind me suggesting: You acted extremely controlling, to the point of bullying/abusiveness. She acted extremely passive, to the point of being your victim.

The relationship, really, was the *perfect* playground for EACH of you to learn assertiveness and positive communication skills. You BOTH missed out on those lessons.

 

It's fine. Forgive yourself for your part in the fiasco...and don't give her the power that keeps you feeling pissed off and like you're missing something that she "owes" you. You are perfectly lovable and acceptable exactly as you are today. And that is really what counts, yes?

 

Wow, that's the most insightful thing i've heard on my situation ever, thanks a lot.

I'll actually save it or print it or both, but I'm impressed/surprised with the accuracy of the diagnosis, made with so little background information...

(and yes, there is not correlation between IQ and common sense....)