justanothergirl75 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I've been dating a man since mid August who has been seperated from his wife since March/April. At some point he wanted to try to work it out, but she did not. She then became a person that he did not like anymore and now he says he would not even consider getting back together. He is waiting for her to file for divorce because he wants her to pay for it since she was the one who initially wanted to leave. However she keeps using the divorce as leverage to get what she wants...for example if he doesn't agree to hanging out and talking with her, she won't agree to joint custody. Basically if he doesn't do what she wants she threatens him. This angers me as he lets her get away with it and does nothing. He says eventually she will mess up and she will get hers...whatever that is. I feel at this point she is doing things that are leaning to getting back together though she hasn't said so. She even mentioned to him that maybe after they got a divorce maybe they could try again ???? I have some questions.... The other day they agreed that if they were transferring their daughter back and forth between each other the OM/OW was not allowed to be there. I suggusted they meet in a public place so they would not have to see the other persons personal life and space, if it bothered them so much. He said he already tried to get her to do this...she said no. Should this bother me that he considers her feelings first and almost always caves? However, when I mentioned my displeasure at this new arrangement he immediately said that I could come stay with him even though his SBX was dropping their daughter off in the morning. I am at a poing where I don't know whether I should be supportive or give him space? He's been moody, distant and not at all like when we first met because of the constant battle with his SBX. I offered him space before but he said he didn't not want it. I told him he needed time to get over it, he said he was over it. He is constantly telling me that things are complicated right now...what does that mean?
Geishawhelk Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I would imagine his primary concern is to not pi$$ his ex off, because he doesn't want her to use the daughter as a pawn. He seems moody and distant because she is giving him a hard time, and trying to gain control and the upper hand. Let me tell you, as far as my partner is concerned, his son is the most important thing in his life, and comes first. And Rightly So. I would personally never expect to take precedence. That's my partner's decision, not my right. I think, as far as I can see, the most important thing you could do is to be a silent and suportive partner. if he wants to vent, let him vent. This is a rough ride, and won't ese up for some considerable time. things are still fresh.....
jwi71 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Has your bf (I call him that for now) hired an attorney? Why won't your bf file for divorce? And if he hasn't retained counsel...wth is he waiting for? Oh...let me guess...the D is in doubt. Honestly, it sounds like they are using their daughter and the D as weapons, each hurting the other. They sound hurt, wounded and angry. I think another attempt to reconcile is a very real possibility. Their actions, to me, speak less of divorce and more of pain and anger at themselves (with their poor daughter caught in the middle). After this many months and neither has filed? Neither has a lawyer? Come on'... I think you should take a break from it. Step back and watch with a critical eye. Ignore what your bf tells you - watch what he does and does not do. Well, at least take what he says with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 I don't expect to take precedence over his daughter, just over the SBX and certain issues. I'm 2 years divorced with a 2 1/2 year old, I've been there but mine was pretty cut and dry. My BF did hire an attorney and even got as far as serving the papers, but she wasn't able to be found that day. The only reason he filed was because she threatened to file for full custody, which went against everything they had already agreed upon. Anyway she was going to be served the next day but then she changed her mind about the full custody so he had the lawyers hold back on serving the papers. Even though he paid all the $$$ he still wants her to be the one to file and have to pay because it was her idea. Though he has wanted a divorce from her since last year, he wants her to pay because he suspects that her current BF and her were having an affair before she moved out. She doesn't have a lot of money so she is self-filling her papers with the assistance of an attorney. But still no papers in the clerk's office yet. I know she is using the D as a means to control him. He is just so nice that he's letting her basically have whatever she wants except for full custody of the daughter. I understand that he doesn't want to piss her off because he doesn't want his daughter to be in the middle of a ugly divorce. I wish he would just put his foot down sometimes... I am trying to be supportive, I am trying to be cautious, and I am hoping that after this is all done the guy I met will be the same guy in the end.
Karma101 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Be cautious, be very cautious. Read some of my own past threads. I was in a very similar situation with a separated man recently. He had been away from his wife for well over a year after she cheated on him and continued in a relationship with the OM during their separation. They too were anything but civil towards each other during their separation with much animosity and unresolved anger. We dated seriously for 10 months. I was very involved with his children. One week before final mediation, his STBXW decided she wanted to reconcile and off he went. The fact that you state she still clearly has some measure of 'control' over him suggests he probably is not yet emotionally divorced from their marriage. I never saw this reconciliation coming, and I don't think anyone was more suprised than my xBF/her husband at her very sudden change of heart. I agree with an above poster, an attempt at reconciliation sounds like a very real possiblity before they ever actually get to signing divorce papers. I have never dated a separated man before. Like yours, my own divorce was pretty straight forward. Guess I assumed his would be also... boy was I wrong! You don't want to go from the GF to the OW as I have... but that's a whole different story!!!
DealingWDrama Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 If a man is done - he is done. Period, end of discussion. The fact that he is considering her feelings above yours shows that you are not a priority - you are an option. If you want to be a priority, don't settle for being an option.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Be cautious, be very cautious. Read some of my own past threads. I was in a very similar situation with a separated man recently. He had been away from his wife for well over a year after she cheated on him and continued in a relationship with the OM during their separation. They too were anything but civil towards each other during their separation with much animosity and unresolved anger. We dated seriously for 10 months. I was very involved with his children. One week before final mediation, his STBXW decided she wanted to reconcile and off he went. The fact that you state she still clearly has some measure of 'control' over him suggests he probably is not yet emotionally divorced from their marriage. I never saw this reconciliation coming, and I don't think anyone was more suprised than my xBF/her husband at her very sudden change of heart. I agree with an above poster, an attempt at reconciliation sounds like a very real possiblity before they ever actually get to signing divorce papers. I have never dated a separated man before. Like yours, my own divorce was pretty straight forward. Guess I assumed his would be also... boy was I wrong! You don't want to go from the GF to the OW as I have... but that's a whole different story!!! Hmmm...does sound a lot like my situation. I'm sorry to hear how yours turned out. I'm surprised after all that he went back to her. Are they still together? He says he wouldn't consider getting back together because she is not the same person she was when they were married. I've asked him on several occassions if he needed "time" or "space" and he always says no. He told me when we first started dating that he had stronger feelings for me than he ever had with his wife. This is my first time dating a seperated man also and though I want to believe that he is done with her my heart is very, very cautious. If a man is done - he is done. Period, end of discussion. The fact that he is considering her feelings above yours shows that you are not a priority - you are an option. If you want to be a priority, don't settle for being an option. So at what point is done, done? As in Karma101's story, she thought he was done with her, but he went back. I can say the same thing too, usually when I am done with someone I don't look back, but I have...once. Whatever happens, I'm still keeping my options open...always have, always will.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Why did you even bother putting yourself in the middle of the turmoil? The man is married, separated, but married. And if he was seriously over the situation, HE would ask for the divorce. Maybe I have wisdom than most don't or maybe my morality and respect for the bounds of marriage is too high for the common folk, but if the thing is ending and I feel I have feelings, I'm strong enough for myself to wait a little bit AND then once the divorce is finalized, start the processes of trying to start a relationship. Would any REALLY want to start a relationship with a person who is just beinging the process of ending their drug or alcohol abuse habits or would they have the wisdom to see if the person will first carry through with the detox and then try to deal with them? I won't say I feel for you, but I do hope you REALLY think about putting some distance with the relationship between you and he first and see where his head and heart is. My brother was a fool and did not listen to our mother about messing with people who are married and separated, don't you know after all the time and effort and money spent, the woman went back to her husband? Separated is NOT free. Separated does not mean the person is SINGLE. I wish you luck with whatever decision YOU make, but remember the pain and sorrow you get from this relationship is because YOU chose him and this situation. DNR
Karma101 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Hmmm...does sound a lot like my situation. I'm sorry to hear how yours turned out. I'm surprised after all that he went back to her. Are they still together? Yes, they are still working on their marriage, though they have not moved back in together. Yet. It has been almost 7 weeks, though according to him, it isn't going that well. Nonetheless, he still maintains that he has to "try" and I have to respect that. We have decided to discontinue all contact so that he can put 100% of his efforts into his marriage and deciding whether it can be salvaged. e says he wouldn't consider getting back together because she is not the same person she was when they were married. My xBF says the same exact thing. Now, more than ever, since deciding to reconcile. They are both very different people after a prolonged separation of 1.5 years. He has even gone as far as to say that I am by far the more compatible partner for who is is today. However, he's still going back to her. Period. My point, don't let that comment convince you that reconciliation is not an option. I too had never dated a "divorcing" man before. All signs pointed to his divorce becoming final. I realize now that he was moving on with his life, never believing his wife would consider reconciliation, but he was not even close to being emotionally divorced/separated from her. The door was always open in his mind. He just didn't think she would come through it. And when she did, off he went. I would say be cautiously optimistic. Watch for red flags. See the situation for what it IS not what you WANT it to be. Believe your instincts. Be careful.
Karma101 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I just read your original post again... At some point he wanted to try to work it out, but she did not. She then became a person that he did not like anymore and now he says he would not even consider getting back together. Heard that over and over. He doesn't like the person she has become becuase it doesn't involve him anymore. Of course he says he wouldn't consider getting back together with her... as long as SHE says she doesn't want to get back together with him! That's his ego talking, not his emotions. RED FLAG. What if SHE suddenly changes her mind about reconciliation? I feel at this point she is doing things that are leaning to getting back together though she hasn't said so. She even mentioned to him that maybe after they got a divorce maybe they could try again ???? RED FLAG. She's baiting him with the hope of reconciliation. She's not fully closing the door on the chance to get back together. Honestly, I would be SHOCKED if they did not attempt to reconcile. Guess I am more than a bit jaded, but when you read these stories of people who date separated people that end up going back to their spouses, their stories are generally very similar. Mine included. If I were you, I would pull back. Pull way back and set some boundaries until his divorce is final and make those boundaries clear to him.
InLimbo2 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 DING DING DING warning bells! He's already paid, filed, and tried to have papers served. There is zero reason for him to wait for her to do so so that she'll have to pay. If a process server can't find the 'target' the first time, they'll keep trying until they do. The thing about wanting her to pay because she may have had the bf before they split positively SCREAMS that he's not over her emotionally. If he's already seen a lawyer he already knows that her threat of suing for full custody is pretty lame - these days joint custody is pretty much the default. Sounds like lots of excuses for not moving forward, none of them good. I don't expect to take precedence over his daughter, just over the SBX and certain issues. I'm 2 years divorced with a 2 1/2 year old, I've been there but mine was pretty cut and dry. My BF did hire an attorney and even got as far as serving the papers, but she wasn't able to be found that day. The only reason he filed was because she threatened to file for full custody, which went against everything they had already agreed upon. Anyway she was going to be served the next day but then she changed her mind about the full custody so he had the lawyers hold back on serving the papers. Even though he paid all the $$$ he still wants her to be the one to file and have to pay because it was her idea. Though he has wanted a divorce from her since last year, he wants her to pay because he suspects that her current BF and her were having an affair before she moved out. She doesn't have a lot of money so she is self-filling her papers with the assistance of an attorney. But still no papers in the clerk's office yet. I know she is using the D as a means to control him. He is just so nice that he's letting her basically have whatever she wants except for full custody of the daughter. I understand that he doesn't want to piss her off because he doesn't want his daughter to be in the middle of a ugly divorce. I wish he would just put his foot down sometimes... I am trying to be supportive, I am trying to be cautious, and I am hoping that after this is all done the guy I met will be the same guy in the end.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 If I had known what was really going on when we first got together, I wouldn't have bothered getting involved. He just told me he was getting a divorce, and I believed it would be pretty cut and dry like mine. In the beginning things were of course great, no complications, and no drama. I did have a lot of reservations about getting involved with someone who didn't even take any time to get his head straight after the seperation, he immediately jumped back into dating. Even though he has said he loves me, in the back of my mind I really think he is trying to replace her with somebody, anybody...and just so happens to be me right now. I know joint custody is the default these days, even told him that. She could threaten him all day with trying to get full custody, but the courts now prefer the child have both parents. Even telling him this didn't push anything along. Yes, nobody is moving forward and it's not a good sign. The reason he doesn't want to file is because the lawyers usually put full custody in the paperwork so you can bargain down from there. Well he says this will piss her off and then she will fight for full custody and he says he doesn't want it to get ugly and messy because he doesn't want his daughter in the middle of it. Seems more of an excuse then a reason to me. Emotionally I'm tired and hurt because I always seem to be the last person he considers. I'm so close to being done and we may be after we talk this weekend. He said he was going to be so much more than my last boyfriend, who I left him for, and right now I'd prefer to be in that relationship instead. It just sucks because I really thought he was the one and now I just feel empty.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Well he says this will piss her off and then she will fight for full custody and he says he doesn't want it to get ugly and messy because he doesn't want his daughter in the middle of it. Seems more of an excuse then a reason to me. When it comes to his daughter, that's a pretty good excuse, and it's a reason as well. Like it or not, he HAS to put his kid first, above his own needs - So if taking it abit slower helps in the process, great. Besides, you don't want a guy who's not fully divorced and still in the midst of the crap ending a marriage brings along. What you have with him HAS to be put on hold. Use this time to enjoy your own life, friends and family.
marriedandsad Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I thought the judge decides on custody in a divorce if the parents can't decide. I mean unless there is abuse/neglect there, wouldn't he still have a chance at getting to see his daughter?
Author justanothergirl75 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Yes the judge would decide. And yes he would still get to see his daughter, but the standard is once a week and every other weekend here. I think that is if she has full custody and he has just visitations.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 When it comes to his daughter, that's a pretty good excuse, and it's a reason as well. Like it or not, he HAS to put his kid first, above his own needs - So if taking it abit slower helps in the process, great. Besides, you don't want a guy who's not fully divorced and still in the midst of the crap ending a marriage brings along. What you have with him HAS to be put on hold. Use this time to enjoy your own life, friends and family. I understand his daughter comes first, really I do. I just wish that somebody would get the ball rolling on the divorce. I don't want all the crap being with a seperated/married man brings...but here I am and I do want him and I am with him. I'm just trying to figure out how to do it and keep my sanity too. Maybe i'm just being too impatient in wanting them to be over now.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 How long has it been? I mean, since he left and said he was divorcing?
Author justanothergirl75 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 She left him back in February. I don't think she left the marriage with the intentions of reconcilliation, she wanted a divorce. I've been with him 2 1/2 months and he's been saying the whole time of our relationship that they were getting a divorce.
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