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He broke up b/c "I'm not the one," but still hangs out as friends and even cried?

freshsprout

By freshsprout
in Second Chances

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freshsprout New Member

freshsprout

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone,

 

I've been "hanging out" or talking to this guy for 3 months now. We originally had a whirlwind romance, but we had some issues and he broke it off saying I wasn't "the one." The weird thing is he was WAY more into me than I was into him. I distanced myself for 3 wks, but he wanted to stay as friends.. so we did and have kept in touch via email everyday, gone out since and always have a good time and enjoy each other's company.

 

The weird thing is... and we've already been intimate, but no more - he said that he still likes, cares and admires me (??) - which I believe to an extent. He's not the typical player, he's actually quite a geek and I think a little sociallly awkward. He still pays the majority of the time and is a gentleman whenever we hang out. But I know something is off b/c he doesn't call during the week (he does email me about his everyday life). Recently he said some hurtful things and when I emailed/called him on it, he called me and actually sounded sick or was crying on the phone. ! I'm so confused. If he didn't want me, he shouldn't care, right?

 

So I really don't know what to make of all of this. I feel that he's keeping me as a "backup" and seeing what else is out there. I do care a lot for him but I almost want to just "let him go" so he can go figure himself out, go find his "the one" and see what happens. Will distance and time tell? B/c if he does, then obviously we were meant for other people. And if he comes back.. u get the picture.

 

Do you guys think I'm crazy? Or should I try that? Pls. tell me what you think, thanks.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

IMO, too much too fast and rubber band resulted. Let him go and tell him exactly why.

 

If you're both young, that would explain much. Also, it would be good reason to see exactly "what else is out there".

 

Time and experience can reset many clocks :)

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freshsprout New Member

freshsprout

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I agree with your sentiments...

 

How long should a break be? 2-3 wks? Or even longer than that?

 

I'm not even sure how to word it.. b/c it would be something like, "I think we should spend some time apart b/c you are hoping that you will find your soulmate or a woman through serendipity. Since you believe I'm not that person, I believe it's only fair you and I take a break from each other so you can go find her, sort things through and we can date other people. Then in x amount of time, you and I can figure out if we still want to talk."

 

I realize this is a big risk, but if I was to hang out with him and he meets someone anyway - then that would be worse obviously. Thanks. I will join you on the other group eventually...

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

How do you feel about something more like: "The way things are between us isn't working for me. I'm just setting myself up for huge disappointment and maybe even heartbreak when you DO finally meet your 'one'. So...I gotta go 'no contact', once and for all. Take care of yourself. I wish you all the happiness and success in the world. Good luck, good bye."

 

Cos it kinda sounds as if you're suspecting that you do need to take a stronger, more assertive stand for your Self instead of giving him most of the power/say over what you are going to experience in the future. If there is a part that is saying that, I do agree with it -- request and ensure that you get your own needs and wants met, too -- and if he can't or won't contribute to YOUR positive feelings and experiences, then it would maybe mean that you do need to reconsider the friendship from YOUR perspective (not from what he says he wants and needs from it.)

BCCA Established Member

BCCA

Posted
Posted
I agree with your sentiments...

 

How long should a break be? 2-3 wks? Or even longer than that?

 

I'm not even sure how to word it.. b/c it would be something like, "I think we should spend some time apart b/c you are hoping that you will find your soulmate or a woman through serendipity. Since you believe I'm not that person, I believe it's only fair you and I take a break from each other so you can go find her, sort things through and we can date other people. Then in x amount of time, you and I can figure out if we still want to talk."

 

I realize this is a big risk, but if I was to hang out with him and he meets someone anyway - then that would be worse obviously. Thanks. I will join you on the other group eventually...

 

If he's already told you that you aren't 'the one' he's basically told you that you should be prepared at all times to be dropped like a hot coal when 'the one' comes along. You're absolutely right, you're standing in as the backup plan/ms right now. There is no one in the world that would tell someone that and have any desire to keep them in your life long term.

 

First, a break isnt short term. Its permanent. He's already told you that he doesn't see you as the one, what more do you need to stick around for? Dont do that to yourself, its just going to be even more painful when he meets someone else and you come face to face with the fact that you were being used.

 

I would say this:

 

"I respect your feelings about our relationship, and understand that you don't see a long term future for the two of us. While I don't have any hard feelings towards you, I do need to move on with my life, and find my own happiness. For that reason, I would appreciate it if you would avoid contacting me anymore. It's not because I don't care or want to punish you, but I need to get my life back on track, and this is only going to delay or prohibit that from happening. Perhaps a day will come, somewhere down the line, where the two of us will be able to form a friendship, but for the foreseeable future, its just not healthy for me. I wish you all the best, take care of yourself."

 

Dont waste 3 weeks or even 3 minutes to 'see what happens' when you can see it right now. Don't keep your heart and life on hold for the outside chance that his feelings will change. Even if they did, going complete cold turkey and focusing on moving on will be the best way for you to accept whatever happens in the end.

KismetGirl Established Member

KismetGirl

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone,

 

I've been "hanging out" or talking to this guy for 3 months now. We originally had a whirlwind romance, but we had some issues and he broke it off saying I wasn't "the one." The weird thing is he was WAY more into me than I was into him. I distanced myself for 3 wks, but he wanted to stay as friends.. so we did and have kept in touch via email everyday, gone out since and always have a good time and enjoy each other's company.

 

The weird thing is... and we've already been intimate, but no more - he said that he still likes, cares and admires me (??) - which I believe to an extent. He's not the typical player, he's actually quite a geek and I think a little sociallly awkward. He still pays the majority of the time and is a gentleman whenever we hang out. But I know something is off b/c he doesn't call during the week (he does email me about his everyday life). Recently he said some hurtful things and when I emailed/called him on it, he called me and actually sounded sick or was crying on the phone. ! I'm so confused. If he didn't want me, he shouldn't care, right?

 

So I really don't know what to make of all of this. I feel that he's keeping me as a "backup" and seeing what else is out there. I do care a lot for him but I almost want to just "let him go" so he can go figure himself out, go find his "the one" and see what happens. Will distance and time tell? B/c if he does, then obviously we were meant for other people. And if he comes back.. u get the picture.

 

Do you guys think I'm crazy? Or should I try that? Pls. tell me what you think, thanks.

 

Sounds alot like a relationship I had a while back. The guy thought I was beautiful, smart, sexy, perfect, etc, in his words, but said that he ultimately thought that the relationship wasn't going anywhere (eg- i wasn't "the one" either). Whether it was because we lived far apart, i dont know, but i asked if it would be different had i lived there and he said he didnt think so. But, he pleaded with me to stay friends, stayed in touch, kept paying for everything when we hung out together, being affectin, etc, etc, said he'd be upset if i visited the area and didnt let him know i was there, and that one day he may regret his decision or some such bollocks, but still didnt want to get back together.

 

so in your case, He might be keeping you as a back up, or he might be one of those guys who is just scared of relationships. There's lots of those, unfortunately.

 

if it botheres you that much....cut him off and tell him you don't like this in-between stage he's left you at. You can either be just his friend, or his girlfriend, but not some in between weird thing. Dont have sex with him, dont hold hands and be affectionate in a girlfriend way, and pay for your half of things when you go out. Its ok for friends to buy each other a drink, but my guy friends dont pay for all my dinners out and ALL my drinks out, I pay my own way. They pick up tabs once in a while just because we are friends but its not a all or nothing thing.

 

If youre uncomfrotable....get out .

L-FUZZ Established Member

L-FUZZ

Posted
Posted

i think usually if you break up around three months then there's not much hope for a further close bond.. because there was not a real bond created in the first couple months(usually) .. a real bond starts around 6 months... and that is why people make or break around 3 months because they are not ready to commit and then around 6 months because they are usually wondering should we carry on as is because this is getting serious.. and so they either stay or run...there are times when people start to check where they stand in the relationship and it goes something like that. trying to figure out why they run is the part that kills us all.

 

sounds like your guy decided he wants to play the field and as far as him being a geek,,, dont fall for that. geeks usually are pretty smart and get the game as well as any hottie if not better. dont know about whatever he siad that was hurtful to you and the whole sick /crying bit.,.... but that sounds wierd and if thats the case i would check your reasons for being interested in a weirdo

Hersheys Established Member

Hersheys

Posted
Posted
I agree with your sentiments...

 

How long should a break be? 2-3 wks? Or even longer than that?

I'm not even sure how to word it.. b/c it would be something like, "I think we should spend some time apart b/c you are hoping that you will find your soulmate or a woman through serendipity. Since you believe I'm not that person, I believe it's only fair you and I take a break from each other so you can go find her, sort things through and we can date other people. Then in x amount of time, you and I can figure out if we still want to talk."

 

I realize this is a big risk, but if I was to hang out with him and he meets someone anyway - then that would be worse obviously. Thanks. I will join you on the other group eventually...

 

Are you still interested in spending time with someone who told you "you're not the one"? If you want to sell yourself short then go ahead, be a friend to him.

 

Tell him instead that you also want to find your OWN "the one". Then go NC and do it for yourself and your healing. Don't be worried about not being friends with him and hurting his feelings.

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