lovesick83 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I just stumbled upon this site this morning while searching the web (of all places) for answers and advice - noticed some good pieces of it here... ----- Wow, how to sum up... I've been with my high-school sweetheart for almost 7 years. We've been through everything together: fought against our families, survived a long-distance relationship, and are on the verge of getting married... then yesterday, BOOM. Now that I'm finished with undergrad, she came with me accross the country to Law School - and it's been our first time living together in 2 years...we lived together for a little more than 3 before I left for school...but we've been off to a rocky start. She's been so busy with work, and me with school - that the spark has been fizzling over the past couple of months. We aren't fighting exactly, just not getting along like we normally do - while I thought it was just a bad combination of events (stress with work, money, school time, etc...) - apparantly she thinks it's far more serious. Yesterday I half-seriously asked her what's going on with us, and when she said that we should talk about it later, I zero-seriously asked if she was seeing someone else...why did I open that door... Apparantly a guy that just started at her office a couple of weeks ago has caught her eye, is saying all the right things...and the haze of infatuation is taking over...she isn't seeing him yet, but is starting to want to, and accordingly - isn't interested in me anymore. Just last night she snuck out to spend the evening with him, telling me she was off to the gym. She claims that she just hasn't been happy since she came out here, and I guess she went looking for something else... I just don't know what I'm really up against...am I up against this guy she just met? How can someone she's known for 3 weeks make her toss our relationship under the bus? Doesn't make sense - so I would imagine it's just a symptom of what's been happening with us these past months... but I don't know how she can look at what is RIGHT NOW - an unfortunate situation, and a drain on both of us, and not see the light at the end of the tunnel - the worst part is that she hasn't even spoken to me about how she feels until this, it's like she let her little unhappinesses fester inside until it turned into this huge thing....if, at any point, I had thought that our current situation was life threatening I would have put everything aside to ensure her happiness... I'm not happy either right now, but we both thought we could just get through this very temporary period (only til January) and we could get back to how we once were... Wow this is getting long, I wonder if anyone's even read it all...sorry I've heard alot about NO CONTACT, but I don't see how that can work in my situation...we live together, neither one of us can afford to live alone, but more than that - I don't see how it can possibly help...I see how it's effective in other circumstances, but this isn't it... Do I need to just rekindle the spark we've had for the past 6 years? Am I really going to get beat by this random new guy...? How can I compete with that 'new relationship' feeling, and a new person that's saying all the right things, has no complication, requires no effort, etc etc etc... Why would she pick our relationship that isn't perfect, and would take a bit of effort on both our parts (although admittedly, more so on mine) - over a new EASY relationship that's more fun and more exciting? Anyway, thanks for any input...
lofi_tokyo Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I think your last sentence says it all. Its a question of work vs. play. In a moment of vulnerability, when you were both busy, and the spark was kind of off, she ran into this new guy. He made her feel special. That "new relationship" vibe started, and after 7 years, thats gotta feel pretty nice. So shes faced with a question of working on things with you, or having a nice easy first few months with the new guy. Because shes in her honeymoon phase with him, its probably really easy for her to imagine how much easier life would be with this new guy, how much more fun, how much more of a spark she'd feel. The thing shes forgetting is that all relationships run into ruts. With this guy it could happen too. Its just that right now, new things are happening with him, things that havn't happened in ages for her, and so shes enticed by what he has to offer. So where do you go from here? Talk to her about whats happening. If you let her carry on, no doubt she will let things develop, and by the time that happens she'll be ready to run off, and you'll be left to pick up the pieces. Right now, since things are just starting, you can maybe nip things in the bud. I'd tell you to try to pick up the romance, but since shes already at the point of sneaking around, that may not be the most effective path. Instead just talk to her. Let her say what she needs to say. This is a super tricky situation that you're in but I think it can be stopped. Ultimately, if she keeps seeing this guy, you, in my opinion, should dump her. Honestly, a woman who does that after you try to work things out clearly does not love you enough to try and does not deserve your time, even if it has been a great 7 years.
quankanne Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 is she really vulnerable, or have y'all just outgrown the relationship? It's very uncommon to see a couple that's been together since their teens last as long as you have, because both parties change.
lkjh Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Shes cheating and when people cheat its like a drug! They form all of these new feelings and fall in love. Protect yourself because I doubt her relationship has not crossed the line. Be grateful that you found out now before you got married.
Author lovesick83 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 Thanks for the responses...I don't know how often a thread stays active enough to get more, but hopefully there are a couple more cents out there. Thanks for your insight tokyovogue - glad to know I'm not the only one thinking along those lines... Strangely enough, lkjh - you're probably right...because this is not the first time some other guy has come along and given us problems...never to this degree, but it has been an issue in the past. The only difference before was that it happened during our long-distance portion of the relationship, and aside from that - there weren't really any problems between us. Now I'm starting to realize that although we were able to work it out....if we had been going through any kind of rocky period back then, the same thing would have happened - she would have been wanting to blow me off for the other guy. I guess I was the stupid one to think it was primarily due to me being accross the country...and thinking things would be totally different once we were together again. It seems like whenever she's not getting everything she needs from the relationship - she doesn't talk to me about it, or try to work it out - her first instinct is to look for it somewhere else...whether it's me being literally gone, or me being too busy to shower her with affection... ---------- Update: I had a pretty long talk with her about all this, and although the conversation was like pulling teeth...she admitted how wrong she was to start sneaking around behind my back, and is (of course) trying to apologize for it...however, she claims that this guy doesn't have that much to do with it...she says that this has been building for awhile, and she's been meaning to talk to me since before she even met him. First of all, I don't quite buy it...because almost exactly one month ago, we were fine...we both had some time off from our committments and spent a great deal of time together...basically, a momentary glimpse of happiness (unfortunately). I don't think I'm wrong to say that if I had asked her to marry me a month ago, the answer would have been emphatically - YES...we'd had rough times, but she wasn't 'done' with us. Now, however, she claims that she just isn't happy anymore - and that she's lost the passion for me, or for us...in her words, she just doesn't feel it anymore. Obviously this hurts like hell, so I'm trying to distract myself by figuring it out... where did 'it' go? Because I know for a fact it was there a month ago...or am I being naive? I just REALLY can't help feeling like she's trying to protect this guy by down-playing his importance...I feel pretty confident that if he wasn't in the picture, she'd be feeling very differently...she still wouldn't be happy, but she'd have far more of an interest in working it out. It's probably not that 'it' is gone - or that she doesn't feel any passion for me / us anymore, but more so that I'm being overshadowed now by the new feelings she has for this other guy...as tokyovogue said, she's got a 'new relationship' vibe that's just as exciting as it was when she and i first got together...she was in a rut, and BAM - here's some life and excitement...so while there may still be a core of feeling for our relationship, right now it's getting beat. I know this is getting really long...so let me just finish with what my response is...so let me know whether you think I'm taking the totally wrong approach, or if my entire line of reasoning is just wishful thinking. I basically said that maybe she's right - maybe the spark is gone, and maybe there isn't a chance for our future happiness - but that we oww it to ourselves to find out...I tried to point out that she's making this decision pretty abruptly for the length and seriousness of our relationship...emphasizing that there's no going back from this decision. I also said that it's crazy to blame our relationship, or end it - because of all these external factors that are outside our control... it's not that 'we' are broken, it's everything else that's negatively affecting us. I suggested that we give it a day, 2, 3...whatever...some period of time to seriously see if we can be happy again (or in her case - if she can remember why she moved out here in the first place = us)...if THEN, it still isn't working / she still isn't happy, etc etc - then what did she risk by taking a chance...but if she discovers that we can be happier together than apart - then she will have avoided making a terrible mistake. Basically, lets not end 7 years, without at least giving it 7 days. Lemme know what you think - sorry for my long-windedness.
quankanne Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 sounds like a fair & good approach, because you're being open-minded about finding a solution. if I weren't such an old-fart-lady, I'd scoop you up for myself!
alwayssme Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 wow...the same thing happened to me, except we weren't together for seven years. Just a week before our break-up, he was telling me how much he wanted to work things out and then all of a sudden he just "didnt feel it" anymore. It's the worst feeling especially because he hadn't told me where I was going wrong or where our relationship was going wrong so we could fix it. He kept it inside and one day just decided it was 'over" and he had felt like this for awhile. He gave up on us, he told me he had been trying on his own but apparantly i had no idea how he felt and he is never coming back. I wish with all my heart he would have gave us another chance and would have talked to me about our relationship as soon as he was feeling this way
Peter_pan Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 sounds bit like my story though i was with her for 3 years. she got new job, met new guy and then she got those new relationship vibe and couldnt get away from me quick enough she said it dosnt matter about time. time dosnt matter, people can be together for 3 months or 10 years and break up. basically if your girl hasnt been with anyone else then she may be wanting to explore other things? thats all it is, think of it like a soap bar, the harder you try and squeeze it..... you gotta play your cards right, you know this girl inside out, you have history, you have an advantage. be sweet and caring and exciting like when you first met! im with tokyo on this, if she continues to see him, you should seriously give her an ultimatum. she is being silly let us know dude, good luck
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