Die Nostalgia Die...encouraging words

[Sysyphus28]

I have been spacing out alot lately thinking about "ALL THE GOOD TIMES" me and my ex-girl had. It is counter-productive, and I realize that I am keeping myself in some sort of emtional limbo, but I really miss the girl.

 

It has been 6 weeks with NC, she called last weekend and I missed all 3 calls on purpose. I heard through a friend she was checking up on how my grandpa was doing. I'm glad she cares so much about my Grandpa's health(what a load of bulls***). I never called her back because I cannot handle being a slave to her approval. She was a good GF for a long while, and we have been through alot. I even think she is a descent person.

 

I have thought about being her friend, and I know that it is foolish. Imagine me sitting thier at a restaurant ad she texts her new piece of man meat? Like I read on some earlier posts, I am NOT someone's B game. I am a great person with alot to offer.

 

**I want to reach out to everyone in pain with some words of encouragement. You do start feeling better. I swear....you do. However, You have to empower yourself. You have to take the power back and attempt to be happy. That really is the best revenge.

 

**Please, don't try to "erase" your memories, or demonize your ex like they did to you. This forum is for coping, but coping doesn't mean hating. You used to love this person. Appreciate that love. Smile about that love. Think of the nice things you did for her/him, and the things they did for you. No one can take that away,and make it less special. That's positive history!

 

Our ex's, whatever the saga story may be, have WRONGED us, stomped our hearts into the dirt, treated us like nobody's, played with our emotions, cheated on us, strung us along, acted with cruelty, became indifferent, and hurt us enough that we had to use an outside support system to heal(LS). It feels good to get help, and it feels even better to help someone else. You have to believe that you will bounce back from this and eventually feel better.

 

1. You do not need any one person to survive in this world. As long as you have most of your faculties about you, you can educate yourself, you can change, and you can grow as a person.

 

2. You will get over this. Through positive affirmation and constant self-work, you will come out stronger than you have ever been before.

 

3. NC is the only way to heal yourself from the person who hurt you. You have to let the dust settle. You have to attempt to be strong. It shows you and the other person that you do not NEED them. This has to be established for respect and trust to come back into your life.

 

4. LET GO. clench your fist as hard as you can, now release it palm upward. LET GO of this person because they let go of you. You are holding onto thier shoelaces right now, and they are running down a hill at full speed.

 

5. Just know, that the "dumper" is feeling change and pain too. If your love was significant you have made a difference in thier life too. The holidays are coming, they won't forget. Don't break and call them.

 

** I am still in pain, and I am going through it the right way this time. I am NOT chasing her. I am dating other people, I am laughing as much as I can. I am using this forum as medicine.

 

SYS

[lofi_tokyo]

 

**Please, don't try to "erase" your memories, or demonize your ex like they did to you. This forum is for coping, but coping doesn't mean hating. You used to love this person. Appreciate that love. Smile about that love. Think of the nice things you did for her/him, and the things they did for you. No one can take that away,and make it less special. That's positive history!

 

 

 

Anger is part of the healing process. You're right that its wrong to hold a grudge forever, if you do that means you're never really letting go. BUT, people still need to get angry, in most cases, they have the right to be. So demonizing an ex may very well be all people have to get over someone, when they're at the anger stage. It will pass though.

 

Also, if you frame or appreciate the old memories too much, you're letting nostalgia kick you in the pants. Part of moving on is moving on. Yes, its nice to have good memories, but over romanticizing them does not really help either.

[Sysyphus28]

your right. I had some deep dreams yesterday. She is with someone new and it hurts so bad.

[JooLee]

like you said, be strong, chase those thoughts of your ex away.

sometimes it will feel like whatever you are doing is meaningless without the person.

i remember someone commented to me here that you have to get used to living your life without the person. and that has to come first.

one day you will wake up and think, enough. im tired of this bull**** im bringing upon myself. i will live and learn and i will do that while laughing.

there must be a reason why these things happens.

 

dreams about the ex is awful, imho. but you know what, start your day with a reminder that you will not the person who pushed you away ruin your day and go out there and make the best of it. it is our time now.

 

i hope you'll feel better soon. your post was what i needed to hear right now

and i dont know if my advice is any good but im sending you a virtual hug hehe...

[lofi_tokyo]

I know Sys, I know. I was left for another woman.

 

How old is your ex again? If shes in her early twenties or less, don't feel too bad. She'll probably get over them too.

 

When I was with my ex, I kept telling myself, "He's the one" even though I knew odds were we wouldnt end up together, I told myself that somedays. I think it built up this strong idea in my mind that... the person I'm going to marry could be the person I'm dating right now, the person anyone is dating could be the person they'll marry.

 

Yes, that IS how it works. lol but...

I think after being in that mindset, I just over analyze everything, and all couples wondering if they'll last. I'm 19, and most of my friends are 20-23. Yes, some of them are in serious relationships, but for the most part, none of them are even remotely looking to settle just yet. They'd rather date lots of people and just have fun doing it, rather than working on a relationship while they're young with the expectation they'll keep working on it forever.

 

My point is. It could last, but probably won't. Yeah some people get married young; lots do. Butttt chances are, she wont be married or overly serious for a longggg time. So don't let it hurt you too much!!

[Sysyphus28]

I know Sys, I know. I was left for another woman.

 

How old is your ex again? If shes in her early twenties or less, don't feel too bad. She'll probably get over them too.

 

When I was with my ex, I kept telling myself, "He's the one" even though I knew odds were we wouldnt end up together, I told myself that somedays. I think it built up this strong idea in my mind that... the person I'm going to marry could be the person I'm dating right now, the person anyone is dating could be the person they'll marry.

 

Yes, that IS how it works. lol but...

I think after being in that mindset, I just over analyze everything, and all couples wondering if they'll last. I'm 19, and most of my friends are 20-23. Yes, some of them are in serious relationships, but for the most part, none of them are even remotely looking to settle just yet. They'd rather date lots of people and just have fun doing it, rather than working on a relationship while they're young with the expectation they'll keep working on it forever.

 

My point is. It could last, but probably won't. Yeah some people get married young; lots do. Butttt chances are, she wont be married or overly serious for a longggg time. So don't let it hurt you too much!!

 

Do you think she didn't want to be with an older man anymore? She wanted to chill with someone her own age?

Something "easier". I feel like she has become a completely different person in 2 years. 19-21.........and she is not feeling me at all anymore.

 

I have given hope for any reconcilaition in terms a relationship...should I just give up on the friendship thing too? Let her memory be in the past?

 

Completely let go? I forgot about her age while we were dating..........totally forgot!

Now I am feeling old-ish and lame for wanting her back.

[northstar1]

Do you think she didn't want to be with an older man anymore? She wanted to chill with someone her own age?

Something "easier". I feel like she has become a completely different person in 2 years. 19-21.........and she is not feeling me at all anymore.

 

I have given hope for any reconcilaition in terms a relationship...should I just give up on the friendship thing too? Let her memory be in the past?

 

Completely let go? I forgot about her age while we were dating..........totally forgot!

Now I am feeling old-ish and lame for wanting her back.

 

I don't think your age likely had much to do with it, but rather hers. She's 21, still finding herself and her path in life. She may not know what she wants, and is being fickle. It's not a reflection of you at all.

For now, you can't be friends. Maybe in 6 months or a year. But now, no way.

[lofi_tokyo]

I don't think your age likely had much to do with it, but rather hers. She's 21, still finding herself and her path in life. She may not know what she wants, and is being fickle. It's not a reflection of you at all.

For now, you can't be friends. Maybe in 6 months or a year. But now, no way.

 

I agree. I think when youre 17-21ish you're kind of in this phase where you're like "Wow I'm getting older". You're graduating/graduated from highschool, you're going into college, and in 4 years you'll be working!! Its overwhelming. On top of this, at least for girls, I think theres a lot of pressure to find that perfect guy. I'm a feminist, don't get me wrong, but I think theres a little bit of a : go to school, find a man, get a good job, get married, live happily every after, in every girl that age. But... around 20-21 maybe even a bit older, lets say into the 20-25 range, I think a lot of woman just go "holddd up", and realize that life is too short to be racing through the motions. Why not enjoy a few years to themself?

 

So this could be the case with your ex. She just needed to break out of a serious commitment because its not where shes at right now. That being said, she is with a new man - but thats part of experiencing new things that she needs to do before she settles down.

 

I'm not really a believer in second chances, at least not for me personally. Once its done, its over. I think thats because I don't really believe theres one magic man out there for me. Theres plenty of great guys, if one doesn't want me, I'll find another.

 

But..... maybe if you let your ex grow up a bit, and in the mean time you just let go, do your own thing, date other woman, maybe even have a serious relationship or two, maybe you'll meet up and be like "hey what we had was pretty awesome. the last few years have been a blast, but at the end of the day, I wanna give this another shot". I've seen that happen... but I think its a) REALLY unlikely and b) REALLY requires both parties to live their lives 100% independent of the other person, not holding onto any hope.

[Peter_pan]

. I'm a feminist, don't get me wrong, but I think theres a little bit of a : go to school, find a man, get a good job, get married, live happily every after, in every girl that age. But... around 20-21 maybe even a bit older, lets say into the 20-25 range, I think a lot of woman just go "holddd up", and realize that life is too short to be racing through the motions. Why not enjoy a few years to themself?

 

 

 

that statement is so true.!!!!!

[dead-dyke]

* Nostalgia's a BASTARD.

[alwayssme]

why do people say you can't 'be friends" now but in a year you can?

if you're truly letting go of that person, why would you want to be friends with them later on? and how would you anyway? if someone dumped you and din't want you anymore ...would you actually be willing to call them or text them after so much time has passed? i don't know, i feel like the more time passes without talking, the more distant the other person becomes. and plus i think if i were to let go, and even if later on i have truly moved on, (which right now seems like that day will never come *keeping my fingers crossed that it will*) i feel like I would be putting myself down if i 'tried to be firends" with my ex after so much time has passed. i don't know how to explain it but it's weird...and what happens when your ex is a good person and you are struggling so much with letting go of him? how do you cope with that?

[Sysyphus28]

Because your ex doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean that they are a bad person.

The way they dragged you through the dirt and treated you like a nobody after a long-lasting meaningful relationship makes them a piece of SH**.

 

Whether they cheated, whether they gave you the sudden cold shoulder. You feel bad because this person hurt you. ** It is true you can control your emtions, but realistically..............their needs to be a cause to have an affect. The cause of your pain was your EX. Her/His actions were cruel and selfish...........unlike what we were previously used to (loving and giving). It's like ice cold water being poured on your back. It is shocking.

 

It really is. I am sorry you are still feeling alot of pain. I am too. I have had a really hard week. I have thought about her alot.

[lofi_tokyo]

why do people say you can't 'be friends" now but in a year you can?

if you're truly letting go of that person, why would you want to be friends with them later on? and how would you anyway? if someone dumped you and din't want you anymore ...would you actually be willing to call them or text them after so much time has passed? i don't know, i feel like the more time passes without talking, the more distant the other person becomes. and plus i think if i were to let go, and even if later on i have truly moved on, (which right now seems like that day will never come *keeping my fingers crossed that it will*) i feel like I would be putting myself down if i 'tried to be firends" with my ex after so much time has passed. i don't know how to explain it but it's weird...and what happens when your ex is a good person and you are struggling so much with letting go of him? how do you cope with that?

 

I guess it changes from person to person, but my one ex I am friends with. We dated about 3.5yrs ago and yeah, we just were not meant to be. We have a TON of mutual friends, and all play in a certain sports league together. So, I would bump into him now and then anyways. It wasnt after about two years though that seeing him didnt annoy me, and were not super close, were just friends. We hang out randomly, but its not as though we are super close.

 

On the note about "putting myself down", well this guy DID cheat on me, leave me for that girl, after a few months they split, then dated a mutual friends, and always brought her out to practices (him and i were on the same sports team). That hurt a lot. Ouch. But... he apologized... a lot, later on. Does he want me back? No. Do I want him back? No. But, he apologized because he realized what he did at the time was terrible, and at the time he apologized, neither of us was hurting anymore, we were both in good places and so... I feel okay being his friend.