Is this emailing appropriate? Fiance & fmr co-worker

[Archer36]

Have been trying to not be jealous about this series of emails between my fiance and her former coworker (who she described as adorable, but not someone she would date).

 

She and all her friends day its nothing I shoudl get upset about. She did tell me she had emailed him, but she didn't tell me everything in the emails. When I read them myself (yes by logging into her account like a sneak) she said she left things out that she was afraid would hurt me, but that she didn't lie about anything.

 

In the beginning he evidently didn't know we were engaged, but she did tell him at one point in the emails.

 

Just wondered if anyone else would see this as OK- NOT OK, or what your opinion was?

Thanks!

 

Here are the emails, start from the BOTTOM:

 

The Guy: Whats up?? Hows the job goin?? I worked ER last pm till 3 am n been seeing pts in my clinic since 8 am, yes I need a cookie!! So hows the wedding plans goin? Better yet, how's the relationship going? I'm still riding your coat tails to see if I'm gonna put my pic in a profile n try this thing.. Oh well, just checkin in on ya!! Hope all is well in (deleted)!!

 

The Fiance: Missed this email-

 

The Guy: (Missed this email, but it basically asked how everything was going and he said he had bought his dream car, a new Porsche and it was attracting all the wrong kinds of women. Asked again how the relationship was going )

 

The Fiance: Missed this email-

 

The Guy:Ouch!!! I'll follow closely... Maybe see ya sometime??

 

The Fiance: Timing is everything. Keep in touch.

 

The Guy: Wow, I didn't know!!! Congrats! Apparently I have

trouble "Picking" them myself.. Maybe I'll try this

Match.com thing... I'll just kinda sit back and see how it goes for you

though.. Funny, you were the first thing I thought of when I became single.

Timing is everything though, and I think its great that you're happy, God

knows you deserve it!!!

 

The Fiance: Hey buddy, yes I am engaged. I was pretty sure you

already knew. Right before I left (Deleted), after much frustration

and confusion because of what happend with the last

a*s*hole I had dated, I got on match.com. LOL. Much to my

surprise.......I met this wonderful ray of sunshine and

things just fell into place. He is from Virginia, a teacher,

and treats me like a princess. IF he doesnt prove to

be like every other guy I have picked I am set. I figure the

odds are in my favor since the computer did the picking

this time, I can't pick em for myself. LOL.

So whats new with you? Evrything still going smooth?

 

The Guy: Whats this I hear about engagement? Who is the lucky

guy?

 

The Fiance: I am in (deleted). It's great. I am

sorry to hear about the big D. Hope it doesn't cost you.

LOL. Are you happier? You sounded miserable. I am working

tonight, be back in (deleted) for the weekend. TTYS.

 

The Guy: Well it took you long enough... Yeah its true

what Dr (deleted) told you... We've got alot of catching up 2 do. I tried to call

that # in (name of town) last weekend... Where are u now? Give me a call sometime my # is XXX-XXX-XXXX I'll bring u up to speed... Good to hear from you!

 

The Fiance: Man, what is going on? I hope all is well.

Dr. Webb told me about the big D. What happend?

Sent from my iPhone

 

The Guy: Give me a number I can reach you...Got lots

of things to tell u...Hope all is well wherever you are.

 

 

 

 

 

Bottom of Form

 

[Davey McG]

Looks pretty harmless to me. Not sure you've got anything to be worried about. Looks like old friends catching up.

[Archer36]

I admit I got upset when I saw that he asked if he could "maybe see you sometime" even after he knew she was engaged...

 

And the whole "Sit back and see how it goes for you", "I'll follow closely", "Riding your coattails" comments made me feel like he was continually reminding her that he was ready to start a relationship whenever she was free.

 

Anyone else? Am I overreacting being jealous here?

[CandyGirlXO]

The statements that you pointed out from him are inappropriate and I would be upset too. But her comments are harmless she did nothing but talk about how great you are.

[Archer36]

Thanks for the replies. I found his comments inappropriate as well. I guess what bothered me was that she continued the emailing even though he kept asking things he shouldn't.

 

If any of your guys (or gals) had asked you to stop emailing someone like this would you?

[Walk]

If my H asked me to stop emailing a friend I wouldn't be happy about it. A couple of reasons for that... Since she talked so highly of you, and didn't play along with his game, then she wasn't inappropriate with him. Asking her to stop emailing him would be an implied accusation that she is, or will be, inappropriate with him. It's basically implying that she can't be trusted on her own and you have to be her jail guard to ensure she doesn't cross the line.

 

Another reason I'd be upset, is because the request wouldn't be appreciated. You're asking her to give up a friend who she enjoys talking to. You won't have to give up the same in return. Even after she stops talking to the guy, it's not like you'll appreciate the what she's given up. You'll continue to have doubts, and distrust, over the situation. And you might continue to harbor some resentment over it. There won't be any, or very much, appreciation for the fact that she cast a friend out of her life.

 

Third thing... what you're asking for (her to stop talking to the friend) is due to the fact that you want to protect your relationship. That's understandable. But placing limits on your partner, and patrolling who they talk to, will cause your partner to feel caged in your relationship. In this situation, I think you'd be better off expressing to your girl your concerns about her friendship and leaving it up to your gf to decide how to safe guard the relationship if she values it.

 

I've learned that it's better to communicate how you're feeling and give examples of the specific things that are causing you concern. Give examples of how your past has convinced you that x action can cause trouble. If she gives you some generalized "it won't happen", ask her what her plans are to safeguard the friendship from that situation from occuring. What measures has she taken to make sure that her friend isn't going to do something innappropriate. Will she introduce you to him? etc.

 

Big point though: don't try to control your girls actions, thoughts, or feelings. It'll push her away. However, keep an eye on things to protect yourself.

[Archer36]

Thanks for the detailed, well written reply Walk. I'm still curious (as only a man wanting to justify his feelings can be) if a co-worker of your husbands was emailing him asking to see him sometime, and asking about your and his marriage if you would feel comfortable with him continuing to email her?

 

I'm not doubting the way you feel at all, just asking that you put the shoe on the other foot for a second and let me know how a woman might react in the same situation.

 

Thanks again, I do really appreciate your input (and everyone elses).

[2sunny]

jealous much? it doesn't look pretty on you - or anyone else for that matter...

 

if you intend to cut off all her normal communication with folks that she met before you in her lifetime - she may as well be in jail. much less any new people she may meet in the years to come. her interaction shows nothing on her part as inappropriate... and she had every opportunity - still moving away from it at each exchange.

 

trust issues is what i'm seeing. i wouldn't begin to consider marriage if this is where your emotional state is. you will do nothing but make her miserable for all the time you are together.

 

i would suggest counseling for you.

[Archer36]

Judge much? Amazing that you can determine my mental state from 3 posts on a community message board. They were so full of ranting and raving (or perhaps I have done nothing in this matter and merely wanted others opinions before I discussed it). The very fact that I value someone elses opinion in this matter should show that I am serious about doing the right thing and I am not making snap decisions (like telling someone they need counseling).