Shakalaka Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I've been with my boyfriend for well over a year now. We live in a multicultural town, a bit of whites, blacks, asians, arabs, all the bunch. I am of Eastern Asian descent, and my family ties are strong. My extended family back home is very close-knitted, and basically we pride ourselves on our exclusivity; our ability to keep things within the family. My family is also the first and only one that has moved to America; when my parents decided to go, they were met with strong resistance because we were 'breaking up the family,' venturing into a foreign land. They would tell my father that his children wouldn't be able to upkeep our Asian virtues in an American society. My father was positive that we would, and moved when I was very young. Now, my boyfriend and I met through a friend; he is Southeast Asian; Indian, to be exact. His family is very traditional, probably just as much if not as more as mine. His entire family lives in America, and have been for a long time, but they are very strict, traditional and also take pride in being able to keep things within the family. We've been dating, as I said, for over a year. Our friends thought of us a strange racial match, but we couldn't care less. A lot of our interracially dating friends date white-black, black-asian, white-asian...and it is very common. So in our case it stirred a lot of gossip. We would go to the mall or to the movies, or just sit on the bus together with his arm around my shoulder, and people just start staring; especially the old asian and indian elders, some of them look downright outraged. Anyway...we tried keeping it a secret from our parents for a long long time, but word spread, friends talked, their parents heard, and eventually his parents found out first from a family friend a few weeks ago and my boyfriend got a verbal beating. A few days later my parents found out and gave me mine, telling my sisters to NEVER tell our cousins because they would tell the entire family and ruin our reputation. I...really don't know what to do. On one hand I love my boyfriend, but on the other hand our families seem to want to throw us out! Please keep in mind; the 'love can conquer all' thing we've heard about from most of our friends. For us it isn't just an issue for us; it also involves our families because we have such strong ties. But we're both grown up, and don't want to break up just because our families are pressuring us to. What can we do? We've tried talking to them but they just won't have it. We're also sexually active; but we plan to take that fact to the grave with us. The day our families find out is the day we end up in the nearby ravine. I hate having to sneak around with my boyfriend trying to look for places to have sex when I'm mature enough to be sexually active! Super frustrated. We're in goddamn America, why can't our parents be more open minded??
Sks Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Well I will tell you the side from your parents prospective. They see you as turning your back on them, and yourself. Its kind of like saying they are not good enough. Either breakup and respect your families wishes or ignore them.
D-Lish Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Super frustrated. We're in goddamn America, why can't our parents be more open minded?? That would be my first question. Why make a move to a new country, different culture and then get angry when your children make adaptations to the new culture? I am sure your parents moved for financial opportunities? So they'd accept earning money from the surrounding culture around them... Why bother moving when you don't wish to accept the personal aspects; like relationships and friendships? To me it seems very closed minded to move to a new country and hold on to racsist views. I had a close friend in highschool and her family was Greek, the parents came to Canada in the 60's and started a family here, owned a restaurant that catered to a predominantly white neighbourhood. They were friendly in the restaurant setting to the customers that ensured them a profitable income- but did not want their kids dating or being friends with non greeks. We'd be doing homework together at her house and her mother would come in and yell at me and chase me out of the house saying "no whities, go home whitey. They were embraced by the community as honest business owners with a great restaurant... but the mom hated all non-Greeks. I was brought up to respect all cultures and ethnicities. My friends mom began threatening her kids with disinheritance if they either dated non Greeks or engaged in friendships with them. The older brother was forced to call off his wedding and break up with his fiance of 5 years because the pressure was so intense. I always found it sad and confusing. Why move to a new country and then insist your kids stick to their own ethnicity? The parents had so much hate. It's not like there was a big greek community in the small suburbia- they were limited to hanging out with and dating cousins!! It makes me so sad to hear stories like yours. You're in peril of losing a great love because your man is not the same race as you (and vise versa for him and his family). No one can realistically move to a new country with a different set of practices and values and hope to, and expect to keep every single aspect of your life back home intact. If I relocated to China- I'd expect I'd embrace a lot of the culture, and probably bring home a Chinese friend or romantic interest. That's a rational expectation! You can't live hiding your love.. the only way to work it out is to make your parents realizes how happy you are and how great your guy is despite your differences in ethnicity. You have to build up the courage to fight this head on... or give up your happiness and move on. I just don't understand it... move to a new country, reap the financial rewards from the numerous opportunities... but never accept anyone different as being worthy enough to be nice to outside of that. I say fight for what is important to you. At least try. Good luck.
vonerik012 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Chances are your parents wont change their mind. Obviously, if they feel like this, it would have been best for them to stay in their home country, where it would be easy for you to meet a man of the same race/ethnicity. I would just tell them that.. How do they expect you to meet someone of your same exact race and ethnicity when living in a country that consists of maybe less than 1% of your race or ethnicity. Its like my family moving to the Congo or Japan, and insisting I date a German girl. Quite silly.
marlena Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 You have to build up the courage to fight this head on... or give up your happiness and move on. This is the bottom line. You either make your stand, courageously, fully aware of the consequences and try to deal with them as best you can, or you walk away. There is no middle gorund in these situations. Your parents are victims of their own conservative and like you say exclusive culture. Mentality and prejudice are the two hardest things to uproot because they are do deeply ingrained. No amount of persuasion is going to change age-old traditions and and stubborn mindsets. It is the same with many Americans who still are against blacks marrying white or vice versa. You say that you are both adults. As adults, you will have to go by what you believe and take your life in your own hands. If this means an outright rebellion,then, that's what it will have to be. If you feel that you can not stand up to the challenge, then, it is no good staying in the relationship and stressing over the situation. you will eventually make eachother miserable. Good luck! M
taiko Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I would just tell them that.. How do they expect you to meet someone of your same exact race and ethnicity when living in a country that consists of maybe less than 1% of your race or ethnicity. Quite silly. Silly but a losing argument. The parents are probably prepared to set him up with a willing family in India, Sri Lanka or whereever. And in her case Chinese boys are practically crying about all ''their'' girls going outside the ethnic group and worse the race. If its real they will just have to go ahead in the face of possible parental rejection.
ChickenAce Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 First of all, parents are very rigid about these things, especially Indian parents. I know this first hand. They put so much doubt in you enough that we have doubts our own selves but its like beating you into the institutional concept hey marriage has got to be xyz. Then they remind you how interracial marriages are doomed to failure only and you might as well get that village girl who will look after you because you got the money. Hey then why not be alone. I think we are people we got a mental emotional and physical connection. If your only connection to your partner is physical your doomed to fail, if your only connections are mental why not be friends if your only connection is emotional well you could make it but it would help if you got the 3 in place. One question I asked myself is if I can be loyal to my partner no matter what I have to see her go through will I be by her side and I ask myself if I think she will be by mine if I go through things that will make life rough for her. The answers always elude me sometimes and make me scared coz I never lived much with support from others about anything I ever did. It is really hard on kids who can't get support for what they do especially in your case and your guyz. I guess the hard thing is being true to yourself. But the truth also is suppose you just do what your parents want, I for a fact know I will be miserable so miserable it isn't worth life. I don't want to marry my sister or my neice but how do you build bridges when everyone around you builds walls. I wish I had an easy answer but if your independant and you got the faith for it you should go ahead with it and try to build bridges between the families but some are so closed its like a seemingly impossible task but if you got supporters out there and they come and try to help you you got something going for you. Good Luck and I hope it works out for you two.
vonerik012 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 I actually feel you should listen to your parents.. Look at marriage today.. Over 50% divorce rate, over 50% of people cheat, etc. And this is when we can choose. Some of the happiest couples I met were through arranged marriages. Same religion, ethnicity, race, views of money, family, etc go a long way..
Recommended Posts