rankin Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I know this question has been asked a couple times, but I would like to personalize it a bit and see what you all think. My girlfriend of 4.5years broke up with me at the end of May. I moved out a couple weeks later. It was really hard for me. One of the hardest things I have been through. That being said, neither one of us were really happy in the relationship. I was a workaholic (100hr weeks) and I played video games in most my off time. This didn't leave a lot of time for her and me. Anyway, she had been depressed and unhappy for a long while and I can’t say I was the most upbeat individual either. I found out she was jumping from me to another guy even before I had moved out and that seriously pissed me off so I cut all contact from her for almost 4 months. Well, this guy did not reciprocate and she has been alone since we broke up. I found out recently she has been in a super deep depression for a couple months now. She feels very alone and rightly so as she does not have many friends and I had brought most of my friends to the relationship. Her depression has affected her working situation so her manager asked her to go on medical leave for 3 months. I have seen a couple other women (dating, not intimate) since then and I feel I have been doing a much better. I got a new job which is strictly 40hrs a week and I don’t play video games nearly as much. In fact I am not in the house that much. Recently she and I have been hanging out. Just for coffee or casual dinner. She says she is doing much better since she was put on medical leave. She still has the occasional anxiety attack but they are mild. Anyway, we went on a hike a couple weeks ago and she said her friend backed out on going on vacation with her and she asked me to go. At the time I told her I would have to think about it. I am pretty comfortable with myself and with her at this point, but I think she has a lot of work to do on herself. I should mention also that we have slept together a couple times in the last week or so. We talked about it before hand and agreed that it they were and are just hook-ups and to make sure we knew what each other wanted out of these meetings. The vacation destination does have potential emotionally intimate value for us so I am not sure how this would turn out. We are both paying our own way and there is no reason why she needs me of all people to go (that I can see). I am thinking it could be fun, and whatever happens, happens long as it is mutual. If nothing happens and we just have fun, that is great too. So here is my question: Do I go with her? Thanks all.
samspade Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I tried to imagine myself in your shoes, and even though I've dated women who aren't depressed, I still don't think I would go on a vacation with them under similar circumstances. It's one thing to spend a few hours a week with an ex, have some no-strings sex, hang out. It's quite another to spend a week or two together. Vacations are supposed to be fun times for YOU, a gift to yourself. So I guess you need to ask yourself if this vacation with the woman who went looking for a new man while you were together and then dumped you will be fun, or will it be work. That said, it sounds like you've both been improving your lives, so maybe there is a new dynamic at play. But I think I'd rather not take a vacation with so many potentially upsetting factors at play.
Author rankin Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Yea we are looking at 4 days and sharing a hotel room. I still think it will be fun and I won't allow it to become work. I still have some time (hours) to think about it, so we will see. Thanks for the input!
Angel1111 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I think it would be ok to go if you're comfortable with it but I don't believe that all the sex and time together is going to be taken lightly by her. Most women aren't capable of having casual sex long-term without getting attached to the person - especially someone they once loved. Just my observations. So unless you're hoping to renew your relationship with her or testing the waters for that, then you're setting a potential time bomb. Having said that, what is it that you really want? You said that the break up was hard but you seem very detached now. If you remain that way, it's going to hurt her. And given where she's already at, that's not a good thing. But in a big way, you contributed to the demise of your relationship by working a great deal of the time, and then not including her in most of your free time. If you've changed and the dynamics have changed in the relationship, why not see if there's anything left to salvage. But if you're completely done with her and the romantic side of your relationship, then don't go because no matter what either of you say, that expectation or hope will always be there somewhere in the background.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I agree with Angel. Sounds like you're putting the cart before the horse. If I were in your shoes, I would decline, but perhaps try to test the waters with simple dates and time together and see how that goes. Then if the situations of your lives are compatible with each other, then work on the long-term. I suspect you both want to be together. The vacation might be just fine, but if it isn't, someone will go back to square-one.
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