And the beat goes on…..

[wonderfulandi]

Long story short (though, it did not feel short as I was going through it.) I met my mm in September of 2005. We became close (we met at work) and he filed for divorce in April of 07. The divorce filing finally happened after I shot off to South America and vowed not to come back until it was over. Funny how those things work isn’t it? We have been together ever since though I have been emotionally with him from the moment we connected that September. My question is to all the women out there who have been through this situation. When does this end? His wife will not grant him the divorce and I’m not sure how much more we can take. I’ve tried to play the supportive girlfriend but I am quickly losing myself. He is wealthy, and has offered her more than she could ever want. I don’t know the details of this because I have always believed this is none of my business. They have no children. At some point don’t these two (himself included) have to start acting their age!? Her behavior is atrocious if not certifiable. How long can these things really be drawn out if one party is not being reasonable? I would very much like to have a family, life, marriage with this man but I can’t do this until he is divorced. To make this more complicated/interesting he is also 22 years my senior. Someone please stop me from googling, “Are men ever too old to have kids?” and “how long does the average divorce take?” Does anyone have experiences they would like to share?

[jwi71]

Rubbish.

 

Have you seen a copy of the papers he filed?

 

In the US anyway - and I know you haven't said you are in the US - judges grant divorces not wives. If he wants one bad enough I bet the courts have provisions for one signature divorces.

 

So forgive me if I doubt his story...

[wonderfulandi]

I have seen them, actually. More importantly I have seen what this situation has done to the man that I love, respect, and trust.

 

I guess maybe I wasn't clear in my post. I don't think he is lying to me, I'm just wondering if anyone had been through the process of being involved with a mm who has filed.

 

Thanks!

[jwi71]

Good. Glad I am wrong and he has filed (sometimes the MM lies to the OW).

 

The only countries I am aware of that force two people to be married when one doesn't wish to remain so are religious fundamentalist ones. And they typically force the wife to remain married to the H.

 

If he wants the divorce bad enough I am almost certain the courts have procedures in place for a single signature divorce. I am equally sure your MM and his lawyer know this and are moving accordingly in his (not your) best interests.

 

What can you do about it? Nothing. There are other OW on this board who have gone through similar. Maybe they can chime in.

 

So...as far as I can tell...be patient.

 

Now...how is your R with him?

[GreenEyedLady]

Mine's is final now. The XW didn't fight it and it only took a little over 6 months from the actual filing of paperwork. Everything but support was settled out of court.

[OWoman]

W&I, I don't know what country you're in so can't speculate on the laws of that country wrt divorce, but my MM is in the throes of a D (decree nisi has been issued) and here in the UK things are far more protracted than in my home country, where D is available pretty much on demand (as is M). Here it seems even "quicky" D takes at least a year, since "quicky" D is always "fault-based" and thus guaranteed to involve acrimonious haggling and sulking and power-plays. "No-fault" D takes a minimum of two years, but up to five if contested, so depending on your MM's country of residence and the grounds for seeking a D, your 18months could be just the start!

 

In my case, the BW has been extremely manipulative, dragging things out while putting on a front of being reasonable, pulling out of agreements at the last minute and changing the terms and demanding far more than the generous settlement MM offered, including things she has no right to. It coud all be ovver by Christmas, or if her childishness continues, it could take another six months.

 

It does have implications for our being together - my visa will expire and I will have to return home if she acts up, until the D comes through and we can marry and I can enter on a spousal visa - but some hard talking from the lawyer persuaded MM to stick to his guns on this one, to go to court if necessary as a judge would rule in his favour and she'd lose out badly, and not to opt for a quick solution that he'll suffer for the rest of his life - which would in any event provide no guarantee of her reasonableness as she's shown with her past track-record.

 

Hang in there. I know at times it's tempting to hire a hitman (quicker, cheaper, more efficient...) but in the long run, it's best to hang on to the moral high ground.

[wonderfulandi]

that sounds, well, awful. I don't think I can wait up to 5 years. He has had some issues with his attorney.. ie.. not calling him back, being disorganized, dragging her feat. I advised him against switching because it is already so far along but now I am starting to think otherwise! His w is ridiculous. Calling his partners at the firm he works for, leaving messages at his office, threatening horrible things, charging up the credit cards every month. It seems like at some point she would be held accountable for her actions. Especially since he has tried to be very understanding and respectful despite the circumstances. Her attorney even told his that she was insane and the worst he had ever seen. ( which is saying a lot for a big city) That can't be good.

 

Thanks for the insights everyone.

[Dominique]

W&I, I don't know what country you're in so can't speculate on the laws of that country wrt divorce, but my MM is in the throes of a D (decree nisi has been issued) and here in the UK things are far more protracted than in my home country, where D is available pretty much on demand (as is M). Here it seems even "quicky" D takes at least a year, since "quicky" D is always "fault-based" and thus guaranteed to involve acrimonious haggling and sulking and power-plays. "No-fault" D takes a minimum of two years, but up to five if contested, so depending on your MM's country of residence and the grounds for seeking a D, your 18months could be just the start!

 

In my case, the BW has been extremely manipulative, dragging things out while putting on a front of being reasonable, pulling out of agreements at the last minute and changing the terms and demanding far more than the generous settlement MM offered, including things she has no right to. It coud all be ovver by Christmas, or if her childishness continues, it could take another six months.

 

It does have implications for our being together - my visa will expire and I will have to return home if she acts up, until the D comes through and we can marry and I can enter on a spousal visa - but some hard talking from the lawyer persuaded MM to stick to his guns on this one, to go to court if necessary as a judge would rule in his favour and she'd lose out badly, and not to opt for a quick solution that he'll suffer for the rest of his life - which would in any event provide no guarantee of her reasonableness as she's shown with her past track-record.

 

Hang in there. I know at times it's tempting to hire a hitman (quicker, cheaper, more efficient...) but in the long run, it's best to hang on to the moral high ground.

 

OW--I am curious. How do you keep your sanity, and has this foot-dragging caused any tensions in your relationship with your "MM". Or have you managed to stay the course pretty much, gritting teeth...?

 

(Or....are those Russians in leather jackets and black face masks I see over there heading to her place just about to make things easier for you?.... )

 

DOM

[torranceshipman]

Bear in mind that she is still his W and has every right to hold on to this M which is her whole life, and she has the right to 'drag her feet', too. Remember you're the A partner-you're the OW-so there isnt any point in blaming her for stuff as you entered her M uninvited by her and you may have been party to breaking her heart and changing her entire life as she knows it. I'm not flaming you, but its worth having some compassion. I don't think its a matter of how long 'we' can stand it either, its how long 'you' can stand it...bottom line is, you dont know whether he is playing a part in her stalling, or what he is tellin her (he's kept an A hidden for 3yrs after all!). He might also have had A's before and she might be of the 'he's done this before and aways come back to me' mindset, so might be waiting it out, hence the feet dragging....he might also be fence sitting a bit over this decision. I'm sorry to say this but there are many red flags here...I'm not sure if you'll end up with this guy at all.

[KismetGirl]

To make this more complicated/interesting he is also 22 years my senior. Someone please stop me from googling, “Are men ever too old to have kids?” and “how long does the average divorce take?” Does anyone have experiences they would like to share?

 

Not going to comment on the D stuff as have never been through it....but as for are men ever too old to have kids, its sort of similiar to if women are ever too old. Not going to comment on any emotional stuff as I havent got the mental energy today, but I can comment on the medical......

 

After a certain age, maybe mid 40's, hormone levels can drop, thus affecting sperm production. And, just like an older woman has a higher chance of producing a baby with birth defects, so is the same for a man who is older having a high chance of producing sperm with genetic defects, etc.

 

That's not to mean it happens often, as I know plenty of men and women in their 40's and over that have had healthy kids, but yeah, its harder as you get older, and def more risks involved. You also have to take into consideration that (and you didnt say how old MM is, but m guessing late 40's to 50's, at least?) that if and when you have kids, by the time they are in college, their father will be nearly in his 70's , if not already there, and there's a chance he'll never see his grandchildren either, and may be too tired or old to even be running after little ones in his late 50's and 60's!

 

Age isn't everything, but when you want to start a family, it really is SOMETHING to consider a little bit. I knew a man who had three kids with his 28 year old wife when he was 62 years old! But, 7 years later, he died from cancer. Sure, 69 isn't massively old to die, but it isnt young either, and in any event he has a 5 year old and 2 year old twins who wont ever know their father, and probably wouldnt have known him past their late teens in any event.

 

So, you may love the guy, but I wouldn't be putting all my eggs (literally and figuratevely) in one basket waiting for this guy.... personally, I won't date anyone more than ten years older than me because the above is a concern for me, woudl like family one day just not tomorrow.....just MHO....

[Dominique]

But if a marriage is a woman's "whole life" then she is in trouble. For if a W does not have an independent identity, these extreme reactions of the BS the OP describes here are a demonstration of that emptiness.

 

One can understand an angry reaction. An extreme reaction has something else going on in it...

 

This is not to justify the actions of the OP, or any OW. But no BS can simply say the OW "ruined my life". Sometimes sometimes there is not much life there to begin with.

 

DOM

[wonderfulandi]

Bear in mind that she is still his W and has every right to hold on to this M which is her whole life, and she has the right to 'drag her feet', too. Remember you're the A partner-you're the OW-so there isnt any point in blaming her for stuff as you entered her M uninvited by her and you may have been party to breaking her heart and changing her entire life as she knows it. I'm not flaming you, but its worth having some compassion. I don't think its a matter of how long 'we' can stand it either, its how long 'you' can stand it...bottom line is, you dont know whether he is playing a part in her stalling, or what he is tellin her (he's kept an A hidden for 3yrs after all!). He might also have had A's before and she might be of the 'he's done this before and aways come back to me' mindset, so might be waiting it out, hence the feet dragging....he might also be fence sitting a bit over this decision. I'm sorry to say this but there are many red flags here...I'm not sure if you'll end up with this guy at all.

 

I understand your point; however there are a few unique circumstances for our R. First of all, he told her about me 4 months after meeting me. Their m was in shambles years before I came into the picture and he had tried, with no participation from her, to work on things. He would make therapy appointments that she would not show up to, towards the end she was drinking, and would be wasted every day before 6pm. She would say horribly abusive things to him, so much that I still notice the effects whenever we argue. He tried to help her with this, he went to Alanon meetings and was incredibly supportive. After 10 years of this behavior he hit his breaking point, can anyone blame him? Throughout the entire A we never snuck around behind anyone’s back. He made it very clear that he had met someone and that if she didn’t start contributing to the M he was going to leave. More importantly, the A was always VERY uncomfortable for both of us and neither of us had ever engaged in something like that before.

I can’t imagine the pain that she (the w) is going through and has gone through and I am sympathetic to that. I very much wish her happiness and forgiveness in her life and I hope that she finds the help she needs. I DO think it’s time that she is held accountable for her actions and her dragging her feet at this point is only delaying his healing, her healing and my own. Everyone is in charge of their own happiness; it is not for anyone else to control.

[Owl]

I DO think it’s time that she is held accountable for her actions and her dragging her feet at this point is only delaying his healing, her healing and my own.

 

That's your view.

 

Her's is likely much different. She may well be counting on the fact that you won't wait forever, and that neither will her H. And that at some point, he'll 'wake up', and realize what he's doing and put an end to it.

 

Stalling is likely a tactic on her part to get the outcome that SHE sees as the best for everyone. Her marriage to him fixed, and you out of the picture.

 

She sees THAT as "healed"...she doesn't see a ruined marriage and a life alone as anything likely to 'heal' her...or you or him for that matter.

 

First of all, he told her about me 4 months after meeting me.

 

There is a very common MM tactic called 'grooming'. They have an interest in a woman they meet...so from the very beginning, they paint their marriage in the darkest terms possible...just in case that interest is reciprocated, it "sets the stage" for any future possibilities.

 

Now...their marriage COULD be absolutely horrible...

 

The truth is, there's no way to know from the outside. And the odds are that the marriage is somewhere between his description of it, and what she remembers it as.

 

At this point...all you can do is wait to see if he divorces her or not. This is a situation where you are the one sitting on the outside waiting for whatever happens before you can move forward.

[OWoman]

His w is ridiculous. Calling his partners at the firm he works for, leaving messages at his office, threatening horrible things, charging up the credit cards every month. It seems like at some point she would be held accountable for her actions.

 

That point will only be reached when he's prepared to do so. Once he has told her her behaviour is unacceptable, it's a small matter to have the harassment stopped via police or legal intervention. But he first needs to tell her unequivocally that it's not acceptable.

 

As for credit cards - if they're truly separated, he will not be responsible in the eyes of the law for her debts. But that presupposes a mutual understanding that they are in fact separated - not that they're merely taking "time out" before getting back together. It sounds to me as though it might not be the case that they both think they're separated and on the road to divorce.

 

As a first step, your MM needs to sit down with his s2bxw (and both lawyers) and tell her that he wants - and is working towards - a D, that the M is over, and that her behaviour is unacceptable and future harassment will be dealt with legally. If he's not prepared to do that, he's not serious about ending the M.

[DealingWDrama]

I'm assuming that they have been married for a long time - like 15 to 20 years - possibly more. If I was married for a long period of time and my H openly told me he was having an A 'if' I wasn't going to contribute to my marriage (ultimatums...ugh) I would drag my feet too. Especially since you are 22 years younger than him and probably her...just to torture him and you.

...if he was my H and he wanted out of our marriage to be with a 'young thang' he'd pay - emotionally, physically, and financially for as long as I could humanly make it possible or until I got bored with it and finally turned toward self healing.

She is hurt, mad, angry, depressed, yearning, and dying inside. You are probably much younger than her ... her self esteem has been crushed!

The other posters are right about the view of the marriage...he may be sugarcoating the whole thing. As I always say, when a man is done he is DONE!

As far as the getting pregnant ordeal...men can always conceive assuming their sperm count is viable...biggest issue in my humble opinion is the statistic that the children of men who are age 50 and above have a 50% chance of being schitzophrenic. (Sorry about the spelling of that word...)

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I've not been in your situation, but I have divorced an unwilling party and all it took was telling my lawyer, "Get me a court date." A couple of months later, it was done. It's much simpler when there's no children involved.

[wonderfulandi]

The truth is, there's no way to know from the outside. And the odds are that the marriage is somewhere between his description of it, and what she remembers it as.

 

At this point...all you can do is wait to see if he divorces her or not. This is a situation where you are the one sitting on the outside waiting for whatever happens before you can move forward.

 

So true, and here I am.

[wonderfulandi]

That point will only be reached when he's prepared to do so. Once he has told her her behaviour is unacceptable, it's a small matter to have the harassment stopped via police or legal intervention. But he first needs to tell her unequivocally that it's not acceptable.

 

As for credit cards - if they're truly separated, he will not be responsible in the eyes of the law for her debts. But that presupposes a mutual understanding that they are in fact separated - not that they're merely taking "time out" before getting back together. It sounds to me as though it might not be the case that they both think they're separated and on the road to divorce.

 

As a first step, your MM needs to sit down with his s2bxw (and both lawyers) and tell her that he wants - and is working towards - a D, that the M is over, and that her behaviour is unacceptable and future harassment will be dealt with legally. If he's not prepared to do that, he's not serious about ending the M.

 

He has done this. He has made a proposal to her ( not sure if that is the correct term) in which he pays her one time the amount that she is granted. She has refused the proposal. So basically, what I am getting from everyone is that this could go on.... forever or as long as she decides to make it last. Forget me, seems unfair to him.

[Owl]

So true, and here I am.

 

"...just remember, no matter where you go...there you are."

 

One of my favorite movie quotes of all times!

[jwi71]

Have you two set a date for marriage? I can certainly see how him still being married to his W would put a damper on your wedding plans to him...