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Posted

Sorry for the cross thread post but wasn't sure where to post this.

 

I am recently divorced and trying to figure out this dating stuff and feeling pretty unprepared. I started dating a woman while I was still in the middle of getting my divorce. My ex and I had been separated for about 6 months before I started dating. I had gone out with a few women before a met a great woman that I enjoyed spending time with.

 

We have been dating for about 7 months and I only recently finalized the divorce (last 30 days). My ex put me through hell with depositions and even taking our divorce to trial. She also stalked my my new girlfriend for a while.

 

I have been clear with my new friend that I was not ready for a relationship but one was starting to develop.

 

She recently professed her love for me and then the next day informed me that we need to take a 2-month break. Over the last 7 months, I have been pulling her near me only to push her away. I feel completely unprepared to be honest with my feelings. Now I know I am falling in love with her and love her. But I am scared and afraid. She is amazing and fantastic but I know I need to go slow.

 

I feel like I am losing her and what if she is the one. This is the happiest I've ever been with a woman.

 

She told me that she isn't running from me but wants me to take a step back and breathe post divorce. She said she wants to know for sure that I am with her because I want her and not because I am afraid to be alone. She wants to know that when I look at her that I know she is the one for me.

 

I know she is right but it is difficult to let her go and hope that she comes back when I've had some time think about my situation.

 

I'm a smart guy and know that jumping from the frying pan to the fire is not a good idea for me or for her. I need to make sure that I am emotionally available for her and I haven't been. I have been denying, avoiding and in some cases not recognizing my feelings. I feel stunted and messed up.

 

I would like to have others perspective on their experiences with dating and relationships post divorce (or started post divorce). Any advice would be appreciated.

Posted

I don't fall into any of your catagories for help but I would like to share something I learned in a class I'm taking.

 

They suggest that you wait 1 year for every 4 years you were married. I know people say that is to long but I look at it this way.

The first year you are just trying to figure out what happened, what you could have done, etc. The second you start figuring out who you are, what you want. The third year you start living who that person is & start enjoying life. The fourth year maybe someone will come into your life if not by then you will be happy with yourself, you will be happy with being alone.

 

In the class two out of the four people that teach it have been divorced for 3 years & say they are just now feeling like they are ready for another relationship.

 

Now I know all people are not the same, & some can go faster then others, but this is kind of how I see it & like I said; it is just something to think about. ;)

Posted

I've been struggling with this myself. I want to date, I feel it will help me feel good about myself while going through this divorce. I don't want to just not date because what if I miss out on a chance on meeting someone I could have a good relationship with? My STBXW has no problems dating (she's looking but not actively dating) so why should I? Should I just sit around feeling alone or go out there and enjoy life? Doesn't enjoying life involve dating? I think so, it is something I would be doing if I was single happy and free, and I want to feel that way.

 

I don't know - 1 year for every 4 years of marriage seems silly to me. If you feel happy after 1 or 2 years out of a 20 year marriage why wait? I am coming out of a 5 year marriage and I am starting to feel like I'm ready to date, but I'm not rushing anything - I'm not stopping anything from happening either though. My wife told me she wanted out 1 year ago, though we still lived together for 8 months after. So when does the whole process start? One year after she told me she was leaving, or one year after we separated or one year after the divorce?? I figure just let nature take its course and see what happens.

Posted

Hi everyone,

 

I have had similar post-divorce-dating quandaries. My ex-husband left over a year ago, (August '07) and my divorce was finalized this past May. I started dating in October of last year, but didn't get past the numb feeling until late December. Then, once I'd warmed up.....it has been whirlwind affair after whirlwind affair. Maddening! I've learned a lot, but also had a lot of grief as a result of jumping into dating extremely fast. I made the mistake of rushing into things with every single person I dated this past year!

 

So, I think it is very wise to take a step back from this new relationship. She is right to want to know whether you enjoy her specifically for who she is, or whether you're trying to fill the loss of your ex-wife. It sounds like you know her fairly well, after 6+ months of dating - so it's entirely possible that you do truly want her. It's hard to tell when you're in the midst of a relationship, though. The last relationship I had (lasted two intense weeks) ended because we both realized that we'd gone too fast, and he got the sense that I was trying to replace my ex with him. I think that I was, in many ways - and that is a huge turnoff to someone. They deserve to be loved and wanted because of them, not because of the loss that drives our motivation to rediscover joy. My question has always been, are these two necessarily mutually exclusive? Yes, we're still healing and definitely yearning for new love, but does that mean we can't fully love someone, once we find them? It's difficult to know. I think the wounds we inevitably carry easily make us less able to offer a new partner a full, whole, healthy person. Who in this world is truly whole, healthy, and perfectly ready for a relationship, though? Aren't we all carrying around wounds?

 

One thing I know for sure: There is a vital time of healing that needs to happen after a divorce, and it can't be rushed. It's really, really hard.

 

I can't come out and say decisively that you shouldn't date, though - or that you should wait a precise length of time before falling in love again. People told me not to date until a year after the divorce papers are signed, and I could see the merits of it - but I am the type of person that thrives when in a relationship. I haven't been single since I was about 16. It was impossible for me not to date, for better or for worse. (I'd say, looking back, it was both.) I realize that this may make me the perfect candidate for NOT dating and learning how to live as a single individual. The ironic thing is that because my dating adventures have all failed, I have been single, essentially, for the past year and a half.

 

Anyway, I think taking some time apart is never a bad thing. You don't have to set it up to make it scary - you can say you're taking a break, and absolutely plan to start up again. Then, you won't worry about losing each other. Does that make sense? I don't like being in limbo, personally, and it sounds like you feel strongly about each other. You don't want to throw that away. I'd just look at it as taking some time and space, with full intentions to come back together again, happily.

 

These are just my musings. I struggle with the same questions, and I know my suggestions and thoughts are not necessarily what is right for you. I hope these thoughts help! Best of luck with everything.

 

-Hilarie

Posted

There's no hard and fast rules about dating after a divorce. But the best advice I've heard is at least one year after the ink is dry on the Divorce Decree. Mine has been final for 14 months and I am just now starting to feel like I could get into another relationship without trying to fill the void where my ex used to be. I certainly tried pretty hard for a while :rolleyes: .. couldn't help it, I'm still a healthy man after all :laugh:. But I subconsciously held myself back from any real entanglements. I had too much to work through for myself. Get back to being OK with myself and living with myself without any need for someone else.

 

You girlfriend is very wise, sounds like she cares for you but wants to protect herself from being the rebound girl.

 

BTW here's an excellent website with advice on recovering from divorce.. they're not selling anything really so I don't think it'll be an issue with moderators.

 

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/

  • Author
Posted

Hi everyone and thanks for the advice. I have been thinking a lot about my feeling, which is the point of taking a break. I am realizing several things that help me rationalize the sadness I am feeling.

 

First, I need to feel good about myself before I have anything I can offer to another person. I have been struggling with feeling good with myself for the past 2 years. (My wife and I began discussing divorce in Jan 07, spent 9 months trying to reconcile and our divorce was finalized on Sept. 11, 2008. Its been almost 2 long stressful years). My new girlfriend made me happy but when things got difficult I pulled back from her. Obviously I'm not able to provide happiness to her when I can't make myself happy. I think my individual happiness is a lot of stress and burden to place on another person. I need to be able to make myself happy before I can bring happiness to another person.

 

Second, I don't want to be afraid of falling in love. I know for the past 7 months I have been afraid of getting into a serious relationship too soon. I also have been afraid of falling in love. I don't want to live my life afraid. I look at the woman I've been dating for the past 7 months, she has been divorced for 7 years and knows who she is. She isn't afraid of falling in love and is very clear that she wants love, commitment and a relationship in her life. I envy her for her confidence. I know I want those things as well but am only just starting to realize that being married again would be a great thing with the right woman. I'm also realizing other things like I might enjoy having a family. My ex was anti kids so I've never really thought much about a family for the past 14 years. Now all of a sudden I think it might be great.

 

Third, I want to be able to recognize my feelings. I was in a loveless marriage and relationship for more than 14 years and I basically became stuck in this relationship because of the financial security. I managed this by ignoring my feelings and being a bit selfish with my needs. If I hadn't been, I would have never gotten anything I wanted. Regardless I know I have been out of touch with my feelings and uncertain what it feels like to be head over heels for someone. Again, over the past 7 months I would start to feel things and then freak out. I am starting to recognize this now and wondering if I will always act this way about me feelings.

 

Finally, what I recognize is that I got to a place in the past 7 months in my new relationship where I was comfortable and maybe even a bit "stuck" and didn't want to move forward. She did and I wasn't able because of all the things I discussed above. So like my 14 year marriage, I was complacent with my relationship. I don't want that. I want a relationship that is going somewhere.

 

I admire my girlfriends confidence and strength to stand up for what she wants in a relationship, demand it and let me know I'm not providing it. I know she cares for me but I certainly have given her great pause for evaluating her feelings for me. Its not clear to me why she loves me. Don't get me wrong, I've been a sweet caring and sensitive guy. I haven't been a jerk but I know I haven't been open with my feelings either which can have the appearance of indifference or coldness. I'm not a cold guy, but certainly have given the appearance.

 

Taking a break sucks when I'm eager to get on with my life. I've been emotionally unhappy for 2 years with the bright spot of her involvement of my life. I guess I need to slow down but that sucks too.

Posted

Well from my own experience, dating pre divorce was a bust... was so not there.... or available.

 

The divorce became final in May this year.... and I was just numb. It was not until Sept that... all of a sudden..... something inside just went pop.... and there I was ..... feeling free,

 

Then again... my seperation and ultimate divorce started back in apr 06..... so this has been ongoing for a while... and I was on my own in my own place from Aug 06 ..... I had lots of time to figure me out.... It just took time for me to let go... and feel free..... and that is why time is your friend.

 

Now... I am seeing someone.... and it feels good. No pressure... seeing her because I like her... not because I need someone...

 

I knew... I had better have my head screwed on right... if I was to start seeing anyone again.... and when I no longer cared... about seeing anyone... I knew I was ready...:confused:

 

on that note... gotta scoot... meeting her mom for the first time... for lunch... now that feels weird...lol Feel like a kid some times.... :laugh: I should pass the parent test.... I'm in a suit.... and have a new hair cut...:confused::)

 

Just make sure your you are ready...and you will be ok....;)

 

ilmw

 

 

Posted

I waited one week. :)

 

My circumstances were a little different, but I look back and I have a lot of fun stories to tell at parties that have people laughing.

 

So it's how you look at it. Who are you? Are you someone who is real cautious or real outgoing? Were you the one left or the one who left? I think that makes a big difference on whether you're ready or not. If it was forced on you, I'd see how that would make you cautious.

 

I say go out and live, whatever that looks like to you. I did. And I had good things and bad things happen to me. But I can honestly say I don't regret a thing. If I'd sat around feeling sorry for myself thinking I had nothing to offer someone, that would be something I'd regret. Because it's not me.

 

Don't be afraid to love like you've never been hurt.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the advice. I agree that living life afraid is the wrong thing. I am trying to put your advice into practice. Love like you've never been hurt. What a free and liberating way to live.

Posted

I wouldn't even look or think about men for at least 8 months after I was divorced. I was hurt, bitter and to make it all merrier I had a 2 month in tow when I moved out. My ex and I tried to reconcile but after 4-5 months of the same problems, I was the one who finally said no more. The reason I cut it off was because I had met someone I was interested in and wanted to date. I wanted something new and exciting, and it was exhilerating. Going out to dinner, getting to know someone new, laughing together, that feeling you get when you just can't get enough. That relationship lasted about 5 months and then I met somebody else. Problem with me is I get bored easily, which wasn't why I got divorced, but I do think it will keep me from settling down anytime in the near future.

 

At first, dating was the last thing I wanted to do, I dreaded the thought. Now though 2 years 4 months post-divorce i'm having a lot of fun.

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