jen's mind Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I went and picked up my stuff last week. We hadn't spoken since the last time we saw each other three weeks ago, when a hurtful episode resulted in my abrupt departure. After a week of NC, he started IMing me. I then emailed him to discuss what had happened. His reply provided his perspective and illuminated for me that he had been very hurt also. He wrote "I respect and like you a lot... sometimes it's scary. But I can't have anyone disrespect me." When I tried to call him to talk about it, he refused to pick up the phone. I emailed him to say that it seemed like we should clear the air and that I'd like to talk and that if he didn't want to that I'd appreciate him letting me know that. Well, he just didn't respond. IMed me the next day like everything was everything. I asked him why he hadn't responded to my email and did he want to talk and he said "Please no drama this morning." He IMed me for another four days before I stopped signing in. Five days after I initiated NC, I ended up driving two hours to just show up at his door. I had emailed him in the morning to say that I wanted to return his artwork and get my x, y and z, and he had written back, "Okay, I'm going to Florida on Friday. I'll hit you when I get back." That was what broke me... I couldn't stand another minute of not having any resolution. I got in my truck and drove there, not knowing what I'd encounter. I thought that getting my stuff would be the best way to cut the ties and be done. I'm haunted by the look on his face when he opened the door (confusion, sadness, bewilderment?) and the way he matter-of-factly went about getting my stuff. He had a friend (guy) there, so I think some of it was an effort to save face. At one point I asked him if we could talk for five minutes and he refused. He and his friend took my couch (the one they'd literally been sitting on) downstairs and loaded it in my truck. He then turned and went inside and I left. I wasn't there for more than fifteen minutes. I sent him an email the next day. I wanted to thank him for the way he handled things when I showed up without notice, and I wanted to find closure. I thought that the email would let me release him and move on, but it's now the focus of my obsession. It wasn't a long email, but it was powerful. From the heart. Now it's piercing me right back. I know he'll never reply, but I know that he knows. That I know. So I'm in day 6 of NC and completely caught up in what could have been. I'm not thinking about contacting him, but I am thinking about him constantly and torturing MYSELF by trolling his myspace and re-reading the emails. PATHETIC. I have lost 10 pounds in the course of this entire three week episode and am seriously avoiding the reality of a looming contract deadline. I need to snap out of this quickly before I destroy my health and my career.
SushiX Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 We all go thru this at least once in our lives. Welcome to the world of NC. It's horrible and painful. But we gotta do it to save ourselves. Seems like he didn't give you that closure you wanted. Get that closure from him and don't leave any doubts. Then you can stop obessing over everything he says and move on with your life.
Author jen's mind Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Closure is what I wanted. My first email to him said "Let's deal or be done." I couldn't understand why we weren't speaking, and why he didn't want to deal OR be done. What was the whole IM thing about? I felt like a fish on the end of his line. It seemed like such a passive aggressive thing. I can't imagine that he will provide any closure. This whole thing has been so weird. Did he just freak out and decide to drop out of the relationship? I don't have a clue.
BCCA Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Doesnt matter why he did it, or what he's thinking. You'll never get the closure you want from him, he's made that pretty obvious. Everytime you push him on the subject, he backs way off, and gets defensive, then comes back later like nothing happens. Classic avoidance tactic. You really have to stay off his myspace. There is nothing to find there but more pain and missery. Eventually, he'll put up some pics with him and some skank, or change his status to 'in a relationship', etc. Youre not doing yourself any favors by going there, trust me. You have to close this chapter yourself, and focus on moving on. You cant do anything to make him feel or act differently, and he obviously isn't interested in getting back together. He might be a little lonely/bored, so he'll throw you a bone to get some attention, but as soon as you want answers or mention anything substantial, hes gone. He doesnt want to give you answers or discuss anything meaningful, which to me means he just wants to have you around if hes lonely. Dont fall into that trap. Youve gotten your stuff back, no delete him and every way you have of contacting him, stop going to his myspace, dont answer his IMs, and dont talk to him at all anymore. NC really, really sucks...but you either deal with getting over it now, or you go through a few more months of painful limbo, and then you do it. If he wanted you, he would let you know - plain and simple. All he's doing now is keeping you around as a backup plan/fill-in.
Author jen's mind Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Doesnt matter why he did it, or what he's thinking. You'll never get the closure you want from him, he's made that pretty obvious. Everytime you push him on the subject, he backs way off, and gets defensive, then comes back later like nothing happens. Classic avoidance tactic. The avoidance is the most painful part of it. If he wanted you, he would let you know - plain and simple. All he's doing now is keeping you around as a backup plan/fill-in. That is the most rational viewpoint, no doubt. Thanks for cluing me in. I'm sure you're right.
BCCA Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Unfortunately, almost everything Ive learned about relationships and people has been learned the hard way. I've had so many people treat my like garbage its not even funny. If I can help anyone else in this world avoid that, I would do so in a second. The avoidance is a matter of how you look at it. If youre not getting straight answers, you have to fill in your own blanks. A lot of times when we do this, we use the wrong answers to fill in and it ends up taking a lot longer than it should to get over something. I personally take any vague or wishy wash answer I get a worse case scenario, since chances are its not good and the person is trying to spare your feelings or not feel guilty. Usually, when someone likes you and wants you around, they wont have any problem letting you know that. Keep your head up, and just remember that you are still a wonderful person even if one bonehead didnt appreciate you!
Author jen's mind Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 Unfortunately, almost everything Ive learned about relationships and people has been learned the hard way. I've had so many people treat my like garbage its not even funny. If I can help anyone else in this world avoid that, I would do so in a second. Dude, I've checked out a lot of your other posts and you have some amazingly acute insights. It sucks that you had to go through it to learn it... there isn't much solace in being a genius. You are definitely helping other people out, myself included. If you're not getting straight answers, you have to fill in your own blanks. A lot of times when we do this, we use the wrong answers to fill in and it ends up taking a lot longer than it should to get over something.Totally. And in searching for the answers you start to doubt your own rationality. I personally take any vague or wishy wash answer I get a worse case scenario, since chances are its not good and the person is trying to spare your feelings or not feel guilty.ACTION: I WILL TAKE ALL RED FLAGS SERIOUSLY AND CONSIDER ANY WISHY WASHY ANSWER AS THE WORST CASE SCENARIO. No doubt. Usually, when someone likes you and wants you around, they wont have any problem letting you know that.Clearly. It's what I would do. I need to start holding people to my own standards. I'm too generous with my heart and understanding of people's bull****. I'm sick of falling for people who aren't capable of living up to what I bring to the relationship.
popey Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Could also be that he does in fact feel the loss of you, but he doesn't have the capacity to give anything more than what he feels like, when he feels like it. Outcome though is still the same. Maybe he doesn't care about you, or maybe he does, but can't care about you the way you need and deserve. Either way, you will not get what you need from him. And as for your email obsession; I would look at it this way... So he knows you feel, and want... maybe that feeds his fatal narcissism... maybe it someday will cause some reflection of what he gave up... maybe it means nothing to him. But whatever his reaction, or lack thereof, you had feelings and expressed them. It doesn't change your future happiness that you sent it.
ioncebelieved Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 That very thing that was on Jensmind was on ioncebelieved's mind too. Things like that will drive you insane! I did a lot of that when she and I were together as well as when we were done with. I obsessed everything about my ex from her text messages, IM, emails and phone conversations. I would replay all this mess over and over. Since I have been NC, I NO longer have a reason to obsess about her or anything she does. Believe me, her actions were weaker than her words!!! Yeah I love her the same and miss her as much.... just do not have the things to obsess about anymore and I am better for it. I am about 65 percent better, not 100 percent yet as I require more time, work and healing.
Sysyphus28 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Me too. I feel better, but I am still here on LS. Which means I must still be obsessing a bit. I have been dating, which has been fun and time consuming. I still think about what she is doing. She has not contacted me and it makes me sadder that she has moved on. I miss her.
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