bubblegum Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Maybe this is a better place to post my issue? My issue is important and scary to me, I hope anyone responds who reads it, no matter the opinion. Background: We broke up over 2 months ago and I've gone NC for a few weeks every once in a while, then finally break it by answering one of his calls or messages. He'd been out of the country for a trip for a couple weeks and called when he got back. I wasn't quite ready to talk to him, so I didn't get back to him for a couple days. We talked, but I still wasn't ready to see him, but he came over one night without telling me. So we hung out, I was reserved a little bit, but the conversation was calm and comfortable and we laughed and all that. I asked him why he came over, he said he missed me, missed talking and laughing together, and lying next to me. I said we're broken up. We didn't talk any more about the relationship, just chatted about some big things in his life but I was still reserved so I didn't give too much feedback. He left. Then he came back and kissed me when I opened the door. I kissed back, but then stopped and said it's not right, etc. We hugged a lot and he left again. The next day he texted a few times about getting together and watching one of our favorite shows, but I was busy and didn't check my phone until the night. He also mentioned he'd done something I'd been asking him to do for a long time, but he'd always "forgotten." So I texted back in the morning and we talked about that for a little bit. Update: A few days have gone by. I didn't contact him first. My exbf came over the other night and asked if I wanted to go away this coming weekend to our favorite romantic place for dining, people-watching, window shopping, etc. I was so surprised I just didn't know what to say for a moment, so I didn't say anything. Which I guess made him nervous because he said "oh ok, maybe not? Doesn't that sound like fun?" I recovered and said yes of course it does, I'm just thinking about it. I'm impressed that he thought of this! And I'm happy with myself that I'm not overly emotional, reading into it really. I've got to keep on top of the "actions speak louder than words" idea. I try to see how I act around him through his eyes, and I think it's pretty reserved, compared to before we broke up. I think my brain is leading a little before my heart now, could that be right?
BCCA Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I think you should ask him whats up with the visits/contact if you two are supposed to be broken up. If youre broken up, you need time apart to heal and get over this. If he wants to get back together or whatever, you need to know. You absolutely dont want to find yourself being the fill-in girlfriend when hes bored and hasnt found anyone yet, because as soon as he meets someone, youll be ancient history. Its hard to know what his actual motives are, but it seems like he could just be missing having someone, not neccesarily you personally. You have every right to ask him whats going on, and you need to make sure you hold firm on your demands for a straight forward answer. "I just miss you" isn't cutting it. If he wont give you a decent answer, then he's probably just being selfish and you should probably ignore him from now on, for your own good.
Author bubblegum Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Thank you BCCA for your response. I hold everything you say close to my heart (and head). Any other opinions out there? I'm hurting!!!
BCCA Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Thank you BCCA for your response. I hold everything you say close to my heart (and head). Any other opinions out there? I'm hurting!!! Today 11:21 AM Hold this thought the closest: If you hear from him again, IMMEDIATELY ask whats going on and why hes contacting you. Never be affraid of the truth, because sooner or later, you'll get it anyway. If you let people act without boundries or limits, they'll push you as long as they can. If he gets wishy washy or says he just misses you, get off the phone immediately and tell him thats really unfair to you. It IS really unfair. What people try to do sometimes is keep the ex around as a crutch so that they dont have to go cold turkey with no one until they meet someone else. Hold your ground. If you hear from him, find out whats up, and if its not what you want from him (and dont lie to yourself, you dont want his friendship, you want to be together or working toward that), then tell him you dont need to hear from him anymore. Its going to hurt, but at least youll be on the road to recovery. Dont let this drag on forever, its not fair to you.
Treasa Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I think you're doing really well so far. I totally agree with BCCA on everything he's ever posted with the exception of this. Your boyfriend sounds sort of like mine. What I'd advise you to do is keep doing what you're doing. Be friendly, a little unavailable, and take the time you have to think about what it is that you really want. I'm not advising games as must as distance to objectively see what's going on. Give it a few weeks, and THEN ask him what's going on. Doing so right now may scare him off or make you look insecure.
BCCA Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I think you're doing really well so far. I totally agree with BCCA on everything he's ever posted with the exception of this. Your boyfriend sounds sort of like mine. What I'd advise you to do is keep doing what you're doing. Be friendly, a little unavailable, and take the time you have to think about what it is that you really want. I'm not advising games as must as distance to objectively see what's going on. Give it a few weeks, and THEN ask him what's going on. Doing so right now may scare him off or make you look insecure. If this was a new guy she was interested in, I would agree, but I only said what I did because its an ex. Ex's know you, and they know how you're likely to act under a certain set of circumstances. With that said, you're not going to outsmart them by playing into a game. I really think all you're doing is delaying the inevitable. This guy has known you long enough to know what he sees you as and whether he wants you in his life. Its not like youve seen eachother 2 times in your entire lives and youre already beating him down for answers. If hes scared off by the idea of a relationship with you, to me, he's not interested in reconciling. This is just a one guys opinion, I could be totally wrong. But in my experience, waiting has NEVER done anything but wasted time that could have been spent healing or doing something else. Do you really think that 3 weeks, after hes known you this long, is going to change his mind about anything? Again, I could be wrong, but from my experience, its always either a yes or a no. Maybes and indecision are usually signs that someone doesnt want to tell you the truth.
Treasa Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I can only speak from personal experience where my boyfriend and I were together for a couple of years, he acted similarly after we broke up, and we got back together and have been together for a long while now since the breakup. I don't see it as a game. Not intentionally. Space and calmness always tend to help matters like this. Pushing tends to not help, IMO.
BCCA Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I can only speak from personal experience where my boyfriend and I were together for a couple of years, he acted similarly after we broke up, and we got back together and have been together for a long while now since the breakup. I don't see it as a game. Not intentionally. Space and calmness always tend to help matters like this. Pushing tends to not help, IMO. You make a good point and could be totally right, maybe my situations were just different.
Author bubblegum Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 Thank you both so much for your great advice, I totally appreciate it! And I think a combo of both is best. Really, I do need to be more assertive in finding out what he's thinking, but I do need to distance myself a little and take care of myself, not be in a desperate emotional rush for answers. He won't bring it up himself so to protect myself I need to. Like BCCA says, I have to do the hard thing which is really pay attention to how he says what he says, and what action he follows up with, because he is good at saying what I can read into, just to appease me. ARRRGGGHH this is so hard. Again, thanks for your clear answers.
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