e5husmc Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 First I would like to thank everyone for advice and opinions, this really helped me get things straight in my mind. My wife and I have talked, yelled, cried, and talked some more about what she did, we both know it will take time to rebuild my trust in her. She volunteered passwords to all of her stuff, including work email and remote server passwords, and invited me to look at any of it whenever I felt the need to. Seeing how she is not very technical person and I didn't asked for all of this it makes me a little more at ease. We do have some problems with communications to work out but we have started. She did say she would not have dinner with her friend and will email him one more time to explain what has happened and why she is not going to communicate with him anymore. This was her choice and not at my request, although I will have to say it makes me believe she see him only as a friend and is not willing to risk any more problems in a marriage because of him. I think we have a good start to getting past this, unfortunately I know I will never forget it, only forgive. Again, thank you everyone for your input
Lishy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 We all make mistakes and it seems she has realised hers I am glad you have sorted it out
quankanne Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 it's very heartening knowing that she places such value on y'alls relationship that she sees how what she considers an innocent thing could translate to something else in your mind. good going, soldier!
jwi71 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Great to hear! In my own experience, those actions really and truly help rebuild trust. Good luck to you both and post as you see fit - and keep us updated!
imagine Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Wait, wait. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Do yourself a favour and make sure that the NC letter is vetted before it is sent. WS's have ways of turning communication round to place the motivation for NC upon the controlling will of their BS. Ensure that this does not happen. You may want us to comment on that letter before it gets sent. Trust me, a WS can turn this letter into a come on. Oh! don't forget the keylogger! Forewarned is forearmed.
Bryanp Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 This is great news. Hopefully now you will be closer than ever. All the best.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 First I would like to thank everyone for advice and opinions, this really helped me get things straight in my mind. My wife and I have talked, yelled, cried, and talked some more about what she did, we both know it will take time to rebuild my trust in her. She volunteered passwords to all of her stuff, including work email and remote server passwords, and invited me to look at any of it whenever I felt the need to. Seeing how she is not very technical person and I didn't asked for all of this it makes me a little more at ease. We do have some problems with communications to work out but we have started. She did say she would not have dinner with her friend and will email him one more time to explain what has happened and why she is not going to communicate with him anymore. This was her choice and not at my request, although I will have to say it makes me believe she see him only as a friend and is not willing to risk any more problems in a marriage because of him. I think we have a good start to getting past this, unfortunately I know I will never forget it, only forgive. Again, thank you everyone for your input All she has to do is give you passwords to all the email accounts you know about, tell the other guy to not send anything to them, and create an account you don't know about and use it. Install a keylogger as well.
angie2443 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Wait, wait. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. . I kind of agree with this. I would watch your back for a bit untill you are absolutely sure she isn't planning any more dates.
Konfuzion Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I am very happy for you both, best of luck.
Owl Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Wait, wait. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Do yourself a favour and make sure that the NC letter is vetted before it is sent. WS's have ways of turning communication round to place the motivation for NC upon the controlling will of their BS. Ensure that this does not happen. You may want us to comment on that letter before it gets sent. Trust me, a WS can turn this letter into a come on. Oh! don't forget the keylogger! Forewarned is forearmed. Solid advice, all the way around.
Reggie Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 So, with all the yelling etc., did she come clean? Why the secret account? Don't let go of this until you get a credible answer. CREDIBLE, got it?
signedin2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Let her write this no contact letter (for life) and you approved it first and let you send it. You can get advice her as to whether the wording is acceptable or not. With regards to her giving you all her emails and passwords. If she wants to keep in touch with him, it only takes seconds for her to create a new email account on Yahoo or Hotmail or Gmail. The only thing you can do is make sure to check her cell phone activities without warning and to watch her for her behavior. Any one on one dinner or lunch (except it's strictly business related and necessary) with an opposite sex is unacceptable for a married person unless it's 1) her/his own spouse or 2) close blood relative. Once certain boundaries are crossed and crossed often such as having dinner with an opposite sex, it's not difficult to take it to flirting, texting, calling, kissing, and then motel visits.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Let her write this no contact letter (for life) and you approved it first and let you send it. You can get advice her as to whether the wording is acceptable or not. And then he should require that they both hand deliver it to this guy. She can hand it to him and do all the talking, he can stand there quietly and not lose eye contact with him with no expression on his face whatsoever. The kind of emotionless expression like Dexter! That will make it awkward for the both of them and get the point across.
imagine Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 And then he should require that they both hand deliver it to this guy. She can hand it to him and do all the talking, he can stand there quietly and not lose eye contact with him with no expression on his face whatsoever. The kind of emotionless expression like Dexter! That will make it awkward for the both of them and get the point across. Interesting thought, but NO! No contact means just that... Who needs body language signals in the equation? Just think a moment... She hands the letter over with a longing wistful gaze. Pal, whatever was written in the NC letter would mean diddley zip afterwards.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Interesting thought, but NO! No contact means just that... It would also mean no NC letter in the first place since a NC letter is contact in itself. One way or the other, however, the other man needs to have the point ran home with him.
Author e5husmc Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 so things have been o.k. for the last couple of days. Tonight we sat together on the couch and watched a movie for the first time in years. After we got the kids to bed, she invited into the bedroom where she had candles lit and a bottle of wine. Things were going great until afterwards she explained to me that would still like to email her "friend" but still wouldn't have dinner with him next month. I told her that this still bothered me and then she started with some crap about me going out with friends from work 15 years ago and how she didn't know about it. First, that a load of BS she was invited to go with us most of the time anyways; Second, I always told her I was going out for drinks so she wouldn't wonder where I was after work and most of the time there was at least 3 or 4 of us anyways. I am so d*&n confused; why would this come up right after we had intiment and why is she trying to justify what she did?
JamesM Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 why would this come up right after we had intiment and why is she trying to justify what she did? Because that is who was on her mind. This "friend" means too much if he is that much of a concern of hers. As for not meeting him, I agree she won't have the dinner, but in time, I would be afraid that she will meet him. But what can you do until she makes a choice?
Sks Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Wife wants him more then you. If she cared about how you felt on this she would stop contacting him, she told you - to you're face that she is going to do it anyway. At least shes not trying to lie about.
lkjh Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Go back and read your first post on this thread, she is breaking her deal with you. Do not let her rewrite history to justify whats going on. She will try to get off topic with things, you need to make sure everything stays focus.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 1. Tonight we sat together on the couch and watched a movie for the first time in years. After we got the kids to bed, she invited into the bedroom where she had candles lit and a bottle of wine. 2. Things were going great until afterwards she explained to me that would still like to email her "friend" but still wouldn't have dinner with him next month. 3. I told her that this still bothered me and then she started with some crap about me going out with friends from work 15 years ago and how she didn't know about it. First, that a load of BS she was invited to go with us most of the time anyways; Second, I always told her I was going out for drinks so she wouldn't wonder where I was after work and most of the time there was at least 3 or 4 of us anyways. 4. I am so d*&n confused; why would this come up right after we had intiment and why is she trying to justify what she did? 1. Kids and teenagers do this too. They will be sweet and innocent, and helpful around the house... when they want something, and for no other reason. Your wife is buttering you up. I used to do the same thing in my cheater days. 2. Yes, that is the sound of the other shoe dropping. This was her true motivation for the movie, candles and wine. Imagine... the entire time she was thinking about OM no doubt. 3. She is trying to justify the affair (don't fool yourself at this point - if she is pulling out these sneaky stops then you can be assured that the groundwork between these two has already been laid - right now they are in the "just friends" stage - at least to you anyway.) 4. Because she was only being intimate in order to soften you up for her true intent: to get "permission" for something she is already doing. Her next move? If you don't play along, she'll just find a way to hide it.
Reggie Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Your wife, for some strange reason, is asking you for permission to have an affair. She is oblivious to the pain she is causing you. She is very insensitive. She is not respecting you or showing love for you. I can see how, after being intimate, her broaching this would be both confusing and painful. She is very messed up and is grasping at anything to justify her desire to have an affair with this guy. Bringing up things from 15 years ago is absurd and , as you point out, she has rewritten events from that time. I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to be honest about what is going on. And, don't buy any weird lies. She needs to figure out why she wants to chear.
signedin2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Ask her why she wants to cheat? Ask her how she would feel being labled as a slut, whore, and how she would feel if words got out to her kids, parents, etc. and how they would feel about her. You need to bring her back to reality. She is trying to manipulate you to allow her to have an affair and to go to bed with this other guy. A dinner can easily turn to a trip to a local motel if they skip the actual dessert.
Geishawhelk Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 .........I am so d*&n confused; why would this come up right after we had intiment and why is she trying to justify what she did? I hate to say this as a lady, but I recognise this behaviour, alas: She's being manipulative and buying your consent with sex. Frankly, it's mercenary, disrespectful and downright bloody insulting. She actually hoped, having gotten you into a good, romantic, loving and receptive mood, that she could then convince you to let her go her way. Boy, that was low. Really, really low.
SoulStorm Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I hate to say this as a lady, but I recognise this behaviour, alas: She's being manipulative and buying your consent with sex. Frankly, it's mercenary, disrespectful and downright bloody insulting. She actually hoped, having gotten you into a good, romantic, loving and receptive mood, that she could then convince you to let her go her way. Boy, that was low. Really, really low. e5, Listen to geisha. She is wise, intelligent and a woman who recognizes tricks that other women will pull because she is a woman. What your wife did was low, manipulative and one other word I will not use out of respect for a woman that does not right now deserve any.
imagine Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Everything is going to script: Your wife is in an EA. (Not necessarily OM -yet!)She was busted and embarrassed.She is depressed because of NC.She is looking for her fix.She is looking for entitlement to justify her continued contact.Hence she will pick an argument to bolster her plan to make contact. Your response: Expose to OMW. You can couch this nicely by explaining that your marriage is experiencing some difficulty at this time and that contact with OM is hindering progress.Get your extraordinary precautions (EP's) in place. Keyloggers, etc.Re WW: Do not rise to the bait regarding argument. State your feelings - do not engage in discussion. Agree or partially agree where possible.Start reading "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.What you are experiencing is NOT new. The same tactics are used time and time again by WS'es the world over. Get ahead of the game !
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