2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 As stated in previous posts: My husband cheated on me most recently a year and a half ago via text messaging. He was communicating with three different women via texts, no sex, no phone calls. Because of previous problems, I immediately contacted every person involved and told them that their part in it had to stop. I went so far as to tell each woman that if she responded to him or initiated contact in the future that I would send all the information I had to their husband or SO. I made consequences for my husband and the OW. This method may be criticized but thats not what this post is about. Well, one of the women has sent my H an email. She got it because we (I) opened an account where she works. I knew her name, but never had any idea where she worked. When I opened the account I used my H's email (includes his complete name) because that is the email we share for business. So, I open the email thinking it is from this business, and its from her - using the business account as a subject. But its just, Hi! Imagine running into you this way! Here is my picture in case you forgot about me (yep) Stop in to see me, lets have lunch. That kind of thing. Understand there is no prior business relationship here and the only one exisiting is not something she personally is part of. I showed it to my husband, understanding that at this point he had no control about her sending this. He said I should do whatever I felt I needed to and asked if I would prefer he answer it. The thing is this: I TOLD her what I would do if she contacted him again. At the same time...things have been great between H and I and I am not feeling threatened. I dont know if sending the hundreds of text messages exchanged last year to her husband is something I should do right now. But...I said thats what I would do. I told her there would be consequences. I could probably ask the Pres. of the company why his employee is sending me pictures on her work email...but dont really want to do that.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Why not respond to her as yourself and cc: the president and HR team?
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 I'm tempted. I really am. But I ask myself why, since my marriage is not threatened. Am I being spiteful or malicious? I have lost my appetite for being the b**ch. I'm saddened by this reminder. This ripple effect.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I would atleast reply to her explaining that YOU opened the account and lunch is not necessary. Maybe include a nice pic of yourself! No reason to be bitchy, at all.
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 You know, I like that idea. I would like to use humor or even sarcasm. She is way in the wrong in here. Still, I told her last year that there would be consequences and exactly what they would be. I dont know if I should back off. If I send her H the record of text messages, there is the risk that he contacts my husband. Its not my risk, my H took the responsibility of all risk when he started this crap. But the drama...who needs it? Things are good now. On the other hand....my H is also aware of the consequences I made...if I dont follow through, he'll know that.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I think you need to follow up on the consequences you stated, or she will see it as an invitation to continue.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Just let her know you know. Maybe make reference to your promise and let her sweat it out. I agree, if things are good, YOU don't want anymore drama or stress. It's obvious that there has been no intermittant correspondance.
Lishy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Are you sure she is married or with anyone? How will you get her husbands info? Personally I think you should go through with your threat BUT you also risk your hubby getting smashed to pieces for having a thing with some other dudes wife (if she has one that is)
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I'd ignore it this time, but if she makes contact again, either by email, text or IM, THEN you reply back and tell her "Go ahead, test me. One more time and with my husband's blessings, we're going to forward certain conversations to YOUR husband. Have a good day." THAT ought to shut her up and keep her out of your lives. Or just send her that note now, so there won't be a next time, unless she wants to call your bluff..
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Lishy, When I found out about my husband's text message "affairs" I had very real reason to be greatly concerned because we had already dealt with (badly) infidelity, physically. So, I right away launched a full on investigation into the phone numbers and names that went with them. My husband and I are recovering I think, and this is the path I have chosen. This email is a reminder of the hell and I feel I'm being tested. The courage of your convictions, you know? Still, she was such a minor player in the whole thing.
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Personally I think you should go through with your threat BUT you also risk your hubby getting smashed to pieces for having a thing with some other dudes wife (if she has one that is) I know. This is making me Physically ill. The whole f*g thing. The consequences of me revealing all to everyone were my husbands consequences as well. We are recovering, not recovered. I believe he has changed and that the consequences were a big part of this revelation for him. I am literally afraid that if I dont do what I said part of him will make note of this.
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 I'll tell you something else. I am pissed off all over again at him and I want him to be as affected as i am by this little reminder of what he thought was harmless. How can something so small bring me smack back to square one.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I disagree 2sure. HE had nothing to do with this, it was a coincidence. I think it proves that there has been no further communication between them. I would not let a coincidence break down what you two are trying to rebuild. Good Grief, its hard enough to move forward. I know this is a sickening reminder. I would definately respond to her so that SHE KNOWS, she's made a mistake and doesn't try to make further contact. I would not allow this little tart to bring anymore drama in my life. If your H is working to rebuild your trust, then you need to gain his trust too.. as far as promising to try to forgive if he gives you no reason to question. I'm sorry for the ugliness I don't see where HE has done any wrong here. Just let her know that you are onto her. IWWH
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I'll tell you something else. I am pissed off all over again at him and I want him to be as affected as i am by this little reminder of what he thought was harmless. How can something so small bring me smack back to square one. Because you are letting it. Let it go... you are the only one who can do this. Live up to YOUR end of the bargain if he is living up to his. Don't give her the pleasure. Respond to her now, with the grace and class we know that you are capable of, and let it go. Do not relive the past, it won't help you with the future. (that said, I KNOW where you are coming from, and again, I'm sorry it has come up for you)
jwi71 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 No No No. How short memory is. Didn't you tell her and the others NC? Didn't they all agree to it? So two behave and the other one...gets away with it? How is that fair to the two who respected your demand? There must be follow through. The downside of an ultimatium is having to carry it out - if even a year later. She, as an adult, agreed to NC. To you 2Sure. Not your H...she agreed to you. Perhaps she is hoping you forgot. Perhaps she is counting on time to ease your anger so she "can get away with it". I would email that pic to her entire company. I would post the email on myspace, youtube and her damn church. I'd take out a full page ad in your local paper. I'd staple it her to her forehead if I could. Or. You could reply with a pic of your own. Of you. That's pretty damn funny. Or, stop by and see her for lunch. The look on her face should be priceless. Especailly if its at her work. Then proceed to have a conversation and emphasize words like "stalking, unwanted, harrassment, lawsuit". In public. If her boss wants to know what the commotion is about - tell him. Then produce the email. But you must act - be it mean or humorous, you must act.
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Geez. I think of myself as being empathetic. Yet I go from 0-60 in a second. I think of myself as experienced and mature, yet question my own thoughts. I have spouted to others here, given advice even - on the same thing thats now got me shaking. Thank you for talking me down a bit. Your right - this particular coincidence is not my H's fault in any way. I think he is probably anxious about what I will do. I hate that, but still it reminds me that the whole freaking thing is his fault. And yes, I DO need to do something. She reinvited herself into MY life, its as good as putting out the welcome mat for me to enter hers. I dont want her irate husband interfering with our life, so I'm thinking the work thing is my best response. I cant help but feel its still me suffering the damn consequences of this. Part of me wants him to see that his actions have presented continued risk. But yeah, I cant forgive him AND continue to punish him.
jwi71 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I shold have posted, and it prolly isnt needed now, but don't act while mad. And you and the previous posters are correct - your H didn't do this. She did. Part of me wants him to see that his actions have presented continued risk. Oh, he knows it. Just look at him. You can see it in his eyes and mannerisms. He knows. No need to beat him with it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I cant help but feel its still me suffering the damn consequences of this. Part of me wants him to see that his actions have presented continued risk. When one agrees to attempt at reconcilliation, then one KNOWS that the past cannot be undone. I've been known to do the 0 -60 too though! Infact my head has spun in circles and I've puked pea soup before too! I have also regretted my decision to act rashly before. I'm sorry if my advice sounded harsh, but I've been there, a few times.
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 JWI- Your post is not too late and was needed. I needed the reminder that while I do need to do something I dont have to do it TODAY. Morning will be fine. I dunno, maybe my H will add his perspective tonight. Even if he adds nothing, you are right. He is affected. I need to put on my big girl hat and handle this the right way, not throw a tantrum.
Author 2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 IfWishes... When one agrees to attempt at reconcilliation, then one KNOWS that the past cannot be undone. And therin lies the problem. But yes, thats what forgiveness is. And not just for infidelity. Maybe this little "coincidence" can serve not only as a reminder of the mistake but also a reminder to me that I have chosen to forgive.
Lishy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Ok listen up woman, you have taken your hubby back and made a choice YOURSELF to forgive him and make a life together I do not know your husband but from his reaction I would say he was mortified, he told you to do what you have to do, he would never say that if he was worried about her feelings, he would have tried to appease you. Now, we have cleared up that is was not your hubbys fault this time, he made his mistake a year ago and I am sure he has paid for it time and time again BUT it does not take away the fact that this girl has taken your private information from a place that she works in and used it to contact a married man! In my eyes she is taking the piss out of you and that is not cool! You dont have to act on this immediately, my suggestion is that you calm down and wait until that antsy feeling has gone and your anger at your hubby and then think about what you want to do! Remember this ole saying "act in haste, repent at leisure"
jj33 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 As stated in previous posts: Well, one of the women has sent my H an email. She got it because we (I) opened an account where she works. I knew her name, but never had any idea where she worked. When I opened the account I used my H's email (includes his complete name) because that is the email we share for business. So, I open the email thinking it is from this business, and its from her - using the business account as a subject. But its just, Hi! Imagine running into you this way! Here is my picture in case you forgot about me (yep) Stop in to see me, lets have lunch. That kind of thing. Understand there is no prior business relationship here and the only one exisiting is not something she personally is part of. I showed it to my husband, understanding that at this point he had no control about her sending this. He said I should do whatever I felt I needed to and asked if I would prefer he answer it. The thing is this: I TOLD her what I would do if she contacted him again. At the same time...things have been great between H and I and I am not feeling threatened. I dont know if sending the hundreds of text messages exchanged last year to her husband is something I should do right now. But...I said thats what I would do. I told her there would be consequences. I could probably ask the Pres. of the company why his employee is sending me pictures on her work email...but dont really want to do that. That is outrageous. SO sorry that happened. Send an email to her and and HR and whomever else you think appropriate. Dear What a nice welcome to [name of institution]. As you know I, (enter your husband's name)'s wife was the one who opened the account at your institiution. Everyone welcomes personal services however I was not aware that I could expect my husband to recieve emails and photos from random employees as part of the very personal services you provide. Generous as that is, I expect that from this date forward all communications between me and my family and [name of institution] and its employees will be limited to those specifically contracted for in the account opening documents. If this is an extra perk not normall offered by [name of institution] perhaps [name of institution] needs to check its data protection controls. [say something about discretion and trusting them with your personal data] For the avoidance of doubt, we are not interested in recieving solicitations from any third parties for any other services and do not want our personal details sold or exchanged with any other suppliers." Its hard to know exactly what to say without knowing what sort of institution it is. But you get the idea.... Didnt you say your H was a politician? If this is the lack of care that is given to personal data heads should ROLL. And I hate to say it but please.... she sends a photo and jeopardizes her career when it was just texts.... Im not so sure about that... She sound like an 0900 type girl sure she doesnt have a second job?
Lishy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 OMG JJ that letter ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!! But I still say dont do anything until you are calm and over the anger
jj33 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 At a minimum I think you must talk to the institution. How could this happen that an employee could use the data to contact your H for personal purposes? What does that say about their protection of your personal details. Next thing you know your personal data will be on her facebook blog.... Totally unacceptable even if your H never ever met her before. The institution needs to know about this and you need to safeguard your privacy. Immediately. Perhaps the sarcastic letter is not the way to go but a quick call to the bank president or better, forward the email to him and say fyi see below, I am concerned that my personal data was not held solely for business purposes. He will do what he needs to do with it.
jj33 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Thanks Lishy. I used to work somewhere where the art of writing the sweet but very nasty letter was a prized skill... (old habits die hard) but in retrospect I hope 2sure gets a laugh over it but I do think simply forwarding the email to the president and saying what I said above am concerned our personal data is not being held solely for business purposes is all that needs to be said.
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