MarieD Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Hello I have been dating this guy that I met on Match.com for almost 7 months now. The first 2 months were great & then his insecurities peaked. I was constantly accused of lying & he started being very paranoid. All we were doing were fighting over NOTHING & it drove me crazy. 8 fights in 5 months!! It pushed me away big time. He is seeing a therapist for his insecurities, but obviously it isn't working. So last month he asked for 1 last chance, so i agreed. Last sunday, i decided to ad him to my facebook & not even 5 seconds later, he points out this guy on my page & the 1001 questions started. WHo is he, why is he on your page still if u met him on match, do u still have feelings for him, are u still attracted to him, are u keeping him as a backup if we don't work out? etc. This guy he asked about is just a guy i met on match.com, went on 1 date with & it didn't work, so we decided to be friends, THATS it. So then the Sunday fight lead to a 2 day fight & i was getting SO fed up, i can't take it anymore. He came to my work with a rose & asking for 1 last chance! That he thinks we are soulmates & it could be perfect if i give it one last chance! He said all the same things he did the last time i gave him "one last chance". Soulmates??? I don't think soulmates fight like this the first 6 months! Relationships are supposed be happy & he is making miserable! He just doesn't understand that! I have had major stress headaches this passed week & have been very sad. I told him that i need a week alone & to get over the hurt and aggrivation. I don't know what to do anymore!! He's a great guy when he's not being insecure, but i can't STAND it when he is. ANy suggestions? So they ever change???
Geishawhelk Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Well, he's been given plenty of opportunities to do so, and even asked you for another chance - and look at how quickly he fell into 'old ways' - ! I'm sorry, I know you like him and all, but - you don't need this guilt trip aggravation.... if he knows he can do it once, he'll do it twice. And three times, and so on, until such a time as he realises he really, really does need to kick his problem. And that day may never come. Do you feel like gambling? Well, do ya....? Thank him for the rose. And thank him for leaving graciously. Then tell him goodbye. Just my 2cents.
bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I understand the aggravation on your side and the insecurity on his side. I think I can sum up the issue with a question. Why do you want to maintain social links with these guys you have dated once and you say it didn't work out ? There must be a reason and the reason matters a lot. If you could figure that out and explain it to him it might solve the issue. I am male and I don't understand this apparently common female behavior of staying connected to ex's. To me it just looks like a backup plan.
Al_Bundy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I understand the aggravation on your side and the insecurity on his side. I think I can sum up the issue with a question. Why do you want to maintain social links with these guys you have dated once and you say it didn't work out ? There must be a reason and the reason matters a lot. If you could figure that out and explain it to him it might solve the issue. I am male and I don't understand this apparently common female behavior of staying connected to ex's. To me it just looks like a backup plan. Me neither. Because you know, as men, we would be given the 3rd degree if we stayed in contact with women we have dated before.
Flowerpower7 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 In my experience, if you fight constantly like that....its the powers to be, telling you over and over again that its not meant to be. You should only give someone 2 chances, after that they will continue to do the same thing without learning from their mistakes.
All Star Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Hello IHe is seeing a therapist for his insecurities, but obviously it isn't working. ANy suggestions? So they ever change??? He's not seeing anyone. I'd be very interested toknow what happend to his last girl. I would be afraid of him. He doesn't need anymore chances, you need to show him door number 3. The final door.
Author MarieD Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Facebook is just a website that you add people to that you know, thats it! I didn't date this guy, didn't have a relationship with him, just staying friends! hahha My boyfriend has his exgirlfriend on his page too! He has no right to say who i have on my page when he has his ex on his page! I'm lost right now!
Shygirl15 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 He will never change. I had to leave someone who behaved like this even though I really liked him. The useless fights were so draining me. Not sure if it really is insecurity or just a way to excite themselves when they're bored. I also have some guys I met on Match but settled for friendship on my Facebook. I do not see anything wrong with that.
Author MarieD Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Shygirl - Yeah i really like my boyfriend too & only if he wasn't like this, things would be so great!! Its really ashame cause I give him no reason not to trust me or anything like that. I would never do anything to hurt anyone! Yes, do you understand how draining it could be constantly fighting over nothing?? Each time he pulls his BS, a little piece of me leaves. There is SO much useless drama that there is no need for, etc. It is mentally draining. It drained u too??? I'm glad that someone out there understands what i am going through. Yeah there is nothing wrong with guys that u met as friends on myspace or facebook, sorry.
Shygirl15 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Its really ashame cause I give him no reason not to trust me or anything like that. I would never do anything to hurt anyone! Me too. I never gave him any reason for doubts, infact knowing his insecurity issues I tried even harder to give him reassurance all the time. Didn't work. So I guess the therapy isn't working. Is he following through, though? Is he convinced he has issues, or perhaps he's doing it because someone forced him to?
bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Ok so "there is nothing wrong with it" but would you be willing to give up those "friends" ( which they really aren't friends, just ex's) to save your relationship with this guy ?
SushiX Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 All you need to do is sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you're not lying or hiding anything from him! And to stop accusing you of such nonsense. Tell him this is going to be the last time you'll have this talk with him. Take it or leave it. His insecurities might be gone after this talk.
CaliGuy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 He needs therapy big time. Just be glad this has shown itself now and you aren't married to a guy like this. My suggestion? No more chances. NEXT!!!
Geishawhelk Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Ok so "there is nothing wrong with it" but would you be willing to give up those "friends" ( which they really aren't friends, just ex's) to save your relationship with this guy ? Why should she? This is just pandering to his insecurities... next he'll be asking her to wear briefs with a padlock....
Geishawhelk Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 All you need to do is sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you're not lying or hiding anything from him! And to stop accusing you of such nonsense. Tell him this is going to be the last time you'll have this talk with him. Take it or leave it. His insecurities might be gone after this talk. Nope. it will take a lot more than 'talking'. He's been in professional therapy, and that didn't work, did it..?
Author MarieD Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Shy, Yes he admits that he has insecurity problems & that i never gave him a problem. He said he's getting help, but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. I have sat him down last time & told him that he has to change & he agreed & then things were GREAT for 3 weeks & then BOOM! She has a relapse. I don't think I should have to delete my friend from facebook, Yes, like Shy said, that is just pandering his insecurities & taking control of me. I will not defriend people to easy his insecurities, that is not right. I think I will take a week break & be alone for a few days & then tell him 1 LAST & FINAL chance & thats it. Grrrrrrrrr why do relationships have to be so difficult??
bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Don't be too quick to brand him a psycho. She was with him for a while and perfectly happy. Most likely this is a funk he fell into after he perceived the relationship as getting serious. Some people just fall hard and fast and forget their independent identities for a while. There is no more "I" only "us". At that point every tiny thing involving her becomes a crisis because it is a threat to his new false identity. Thats a fancy way of saying he has his head way up her @ss and can't think clearly. Certainly if this becomes an ongoing drama then its not worth it and she should dump him.
EYECANDY000 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 If you feel the relationship is worth fixing then work with him and help him understand. If you don't , I mean honestly its only been 6 months.
bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Shy, Yes he admits that he has insecurity problems & that i never gave him a problem. He said he's getting help, but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. I have sat him down last time & told him that he has to change & he agreed & then things were GREAT for 3 weeks & then BOOM! She has a relapse. I don't think I should have to delete my friend from facebook, Yes, like Shy said, that is just pandering his insecurities & taking control of me. I will not defriend people to easy his insecurities, that is not right. I think I will take a week break & be alone for a few days & then tell him 1 LAST & FINAL chance & thats it. Grrrrrrrrr why do relationships have to be so difficult?? I admit i don't like the facebook/myspace/instant messaging contacts with ex's. Thats a peeve of mine and at the root of it is fear that I am getting played or disrespected. Still its just a fear and not necessarily a reality. The fact that you are posting this shows that you are genuine and he is lucky to have you. The week break sounds good to me. He needs to get back to reality and apparently one argument won't do it. I would go so far as to tell him not to contact you at all during that week. He already understand why you are doing it although he might whine.
You'reasian Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 You can always break up. If his insecurity gets in the way of your functional relationship, let him go.
Mary3 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 T O X I C ! Dump ! Cleanly and quickly. You will NEVER give him the security he needs. You will be a broken record justifying your every actions. He OWNS these issues . They are NOT yours. Get farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr far away. Its going to poisin and sicken you to stay for the long haul.
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