I need the thinking of an outside mind....

[poopiedump]

Well, my wife and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have been married for a little over a year. The whole time we have been together has been a rollercoaster ride. We argued all the time and broke up all the time. We ended up getting married.

 

Well, when we first started dating, we honestly had the most fun you could ask for in a relationship. As time went by we would make mistakes and work through them, after many stessfull and sleepless nights. She started arguing everyday after we were together for about 2 years. I grew up in a family that all they did was argue and when I left that place I told myself I would never put myself in that position again. Well, I did.

 

Then about a year before our marriage we bought a house together and the sex stopped. She would say she was to tired or she just didnt feel like it or she just didnt want it anymore. Well some background on the sex subject, the first 3 years of our relationship were pretty much a sexfest. It was all the time. Me personally, I am a very sexual person.

 

So, we bought the house and we're arguing all the time (keep in mind she knows that there are two things that I am very passionate about and that is not arguing everyday about nothing and having sex on a regular basis) and having we were having no sex (well maybe once a month at the most).

 

During this period, I also noticed that her insecurities and immaturities were not growing out of her with age. I am a very confident person and try to be as mature as I can be in every situation. So, dealing with this is very hard. Finally, about a year ago I gave up on trying to make her feel better about herself, I also got tired and fed up with all the arguing, on top of that im not getting any sex. So, I gave up. It was just to much to deal with all the time.

 

I understand marriage is hard, but this is ridiculous. And its always been the same story: we argue all the time, we never have sex, or she is just acting so immature that I feel like a father instead of a husband and then we would brake up and she would tell me the same story over and over (I will work on my immature attitude and try to have sex with you more and I will stop arguing everyday, etc..). Now that I have gave up after years of the same stuff, she is wanting to try now and has been making a good run at it I have to admit.

But now, I cant find the want to try anymore because I tried for so long. I dont know what to do. I know she is giving a good run at it, but is it the same story again, is it too late,

 

I am 28 yrs old and I dont want to be 40 going through a divorce for something I knew wouldnt work out when I was 28. When we have good times they're really good, but when we have bad times they're really bad. There is no middle ground. I have a very stressfull job on top of all of this and I feel like I leave a stressful job to go home to a stressful marraige and I feel like I have aged 5 yrs in the last 6 months. So now that I have no sexual desire for my wife because she put me off for 2 years and I have no desire to talk to her or be around her because of all the immaturities, insecurities, and arguing that she has brought to the table for the last 4 years.

 

Im not saying that im the greatest guy on the planet but I dont put her under these stresses. I never tell her no, I always do what she asks, and I always bite my tongue (until she just keeps poking and I fly off the handle). So, now shes ready to try and ready to have sex and ready not to argue and ready to grow up. But now im ready for a seperation or a divorce.

 

Also, I work with her father not for him, and she is really close to all my friends and family. Of course none of these people know of the hell we have been living in for sometime now, because like I said when times are good there great but about the only good times we have are when we are with/ around other people.

 

I am just very confused and struggling on how to deal with this situation. I love my wife (or the girl that I met almost 6 years ago) but I just feel done. I cant find any emotion for her or my relationship anymore. Its like we would have made great friends but we just cant be good in a relationship.

 

Anyways, I need help. Should I go talk to somebody? Am I wrong for feeling this way? I hate the word divorce, but I feel stuck. I appreciate everyone that took the time to read this and offer opinions. I hope everyone is well and look forward to hearing from you.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm really sorry to say this, but you come across as being somewhat Pompous.

Cut loose, go your own way, so she can find someone who's more on her level, and you can find someone on yours.

The fact that you work with her dad is a red herring.

The fact that others will find out is a deal, but it's not a big deal.

Your big mistake was getting married.

The bigger mistake would be to stay, make her miserable, and stay miserable yourself.

 

You obviously don't match temperamentally...

You say she's immature... I'm just wondering why you haven't tried to be more like her, instead of insisting she change for you....?

Ugh...

let her go!

[quankanne]

dear poopie (sorry, couldn't resist, I'm getting a huge kick out of your screen name!),

 

if you've been married six years, and you're 28 now, I'm thinking you both were pretty young (20-22) when you married. Combining that young age and the "7-year itch" factor (not saying you've got an itch, but that this seems to be the average time it takes for the beer goggles to come off in a relationship!), it's not surprising to hear that you're feeling stressed over the marriage.

 

as rough as this has been on you, the huge shining spot is that you're aware of it and you are looking for a way to get a handle on these problems. Whereas a lot of people would automatically bail out.

 

you both had set ideas and dreams about getting married and being married, but you didn't mature at the same rate, and now those things like immaturity and insecurity and sexual compatibility are rearing their ugly heads. And from what you've written, it sounds like there's a lack of effective communication in this marriage.

 

the communications thing that can be helped, provided y'all are willing to work with a counselor (in person, via a marriage enrichment website or an event that focuses on marriage enrichment). This counseling is not about who is right or who is wrong, but getting the tools you need to make the marriage work more smoothly. I've heard marriage builders recommended a lot on this site; my husband and I swear by the Marriage Encounter program; others have found individual and/or marriage counseling the key. Whatever form, this kind of help is a proactive way to help your marriage.

 

good luck, and hang in there. I think what will work in your favor is that you *want* to make it work, you know?

[TrustInYourself]

You're not that mature. It takes two to argue. The fact that you bring up your past is important. It shows how you were raised to communicate. If you want to fix things with your relationship, start with yourself. Stop facilitating. Stop engaging.

 

It seems like you are just starting to do this and reap the results. Read up on communication and have your wife do the same. You both need to stop being slaves to your impulses and emotions. Both of you. Not just her.

 

I grew up in the same type of environment. I know how intense things can get. If you do some inflection, you'll notice that perhaps your communication style lends itself naturally to conflict. Do you hammer home your point? Do you steamroll opposing viewpoints and justify your beliefs? Are you judgemental? Do you play devil's advocate? I do all these things and they are the results of my life. They are what make me who I am.

 

Does that mean, I am subject to being a slave to these impulses? No! It just takes effort and care to avoid arguing at times. Sometimes it takes detachment, etc. Not being ourselves...which at times could be considered good, lol.

[poopiedump]

I appreciate everyone that has chimed in. I know im not the most mature person or the easiest to get along with either. I know I have issues and problems. Im just writing what I see is going on in the marraige and just need some advice. Im not saying shes wrong and im right. I just know that we have problems and I dont know what to do. Why is it that when a man posts something like this, hes pompous. If a woman would have posted this you would have felt sorry for her.

 

Im not here to be bashed. Im here to try to save my marriage and just need some advice. I appreciate everyone that stuck to the subject and didnt start calling names. It does take two to argue but it only takes one to start the argument. And when one person does most of the starting, it gets old and you come to a point where your tired of them starting in the first place.

 

I start arguments, but I also try to bite my tongue on things that are just pointless. I also think another problem is that I grew up differently. I became jaded at a young age and saw things that were ugly and things you just shouldnt have to see or deal with, but I saw and dealt with these things. I struggled through my hard times on my own. Her, she never had to deal with any problems because they were always taken care of for her and she just hasnt had the ugly to deal with her whole life.

 

So I think this is a problem also, because little things are the "end of the world" for her and to me there just things. I know this is not the main issue but I know it does have its place. Also, she is just so insecure and has no self-confidence. This causes a lot of problems. I can be too critical sometimes and when we do argue sometimes I say things I dont mean. Im just confused and dont know where to go or what to do. I do know that I want my marraige to work, but I just cant find the emotion or the passion to fix it like I once had.

[poopiedump]

Oh, and yes I do hammer home my point sometimes a little to much. I also can be ta little judgemental.

 

Also, just to clear up the above post: we have been together for about 6 years and married for a little over 1.

[Moose]

I just know that we have problems and I dont know what to do.

If anyone in this community tells you that there isn't any problems in their marriage, they're flat out lying to you.

 

EVERYONE has issues in the marriage.....everyone!

 

You've made a commitment, now stick to it, grow up TOGETHER, and your marriage will be stregthened by this.

 

Soon you'll wonder how you've ever lived without her.

 

I'll get shot for saying this for the millionth time, but marriage is 100/100 not 50/50.

 

All your post is about is antying up who's done what, when and how.....marriage isn't an air hockey game....it's a TEAM effort, get on the same side of the table for crying out loud.....

 

Cater to her needs, FIRST and your needs will automatically be fulfilled....

[quankanne]

little things are the "end of the world" for her and to me there just things. I know this is not the main issue but I know it does have its place.

 

actually, that could be the underlying basis for her insecurity, because when everything seems so absolute, it's hard to imagine there's wiggle room, you know? And that's where learning how to communicate effectively comes in handy.

 

one of the things that our ME weekend taught us was that there has to be a real basis to the relationship, and that both partners have to realize/see that basis. For me, it wasn't hard, but for my husband – who'd been married twice before – it was easy to think that I felt the same way about marriage as the wives who walked out on him. Not saying that he didn't play a part in their problems, but when he had a definite mindset that I'd give up for whatever reason, he sold our relationship short. And the ME weekend showed him *why* I believed in sticking around, and that just because I wanted to pinch his head off, it didn't mean the love was gone, you know?

 

because when you're unsure about things, it's very easy to see catastrophe and drama behind every dang thing that happens, esp. the stuff that doesn't feel like it's working properly.

 

you say you've got a jaded point of view – take that knowledge and use it to help your wife to mature to a point where she's not afraid or sees things as "end of the world." Let her know that yeah, there might be problems or you might be fed up with what's going on, but you have a vested interest in keeping the marriage alive because you love what you have with her. It might not solve every dang problem, but it'll go a long, long way in helping you resolve a lot of them!

[whichwayisup]

First off, Poopiedump, you win the prize for best username, ever! Love it.

 

I have to ask, have you two done marriage counselling and really given it your best? Before throwing in the towel, maybe try ONE last time, and then if it doesn't work, divorce.

 

Just would hate to hear that you divorce now and then a year later, look back with alot of regret.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm not here to call you names or to take sides, bro. You want honesty, I'm here to give you my take. It's up to you on whether or not you want to listen, lol. I could care less.

 

When there is a problem in a relationship, we tend to look at our partners before we examine how our behaviors contribute to the issues. We tend to focus on our spouse's impact on our lives, rather than our impact on our spouse's lives. You have the power to change the dynamic!

 

Two people make a relationship. Two people break a relationship. If you are not part of the problem you are part of the solution. Start seeking out the behaviors that help to make your relationship great, as you said. Avoid the behaviors that lead to making your relationship a giant argument. Use success as your guide. This is a team effort, but you have the power to get the ball rolling. You are half the equation and that's the only thing you really have any power over changing, in the short term. Too many people focus on getting their partners to change, when they should be focusing on how to change their own reactions. It's all too easy to cast blame and so very difficult to take personal responsibility for our actions.

 

You want to change things? Change yourself. Focus on improving things on your end. Focus on things you have control of.

 

It's up to you if you have the maturity to take on your own issues in the relationship, rather than casting blame.

[hayworth24]

this is my first post here, but i am the kind of person that tries everything and then when i feel its time to walk, i walk.

 

however, don't walk away if you have doubts. give your marriage a chance and that could be with the "right" counselor. I say right because no one counselor fits for every couple. you could also try counseling separately for you. no one is perfect and you and she are probably acting stuff from your pasts (or childhoods) and dealing with those things can be very healing.

 

Either way, go slow. There is no quick fix here. I had to learn that living in the "gray" sucks, but it takes patience and courage to let things happen naturally and not forced.

 

I wish you the best in whatever happens.

[whyme393]

i'm glad you got on here because you care about your marraige and are seeking help.

 

build on what you got, you gave yourself to her and she to you.

 

either people have to change or they leave.

 

 

unfortunately people feel that one doesn't need to change to be happy and they govern their relationship with just emotion. this is wrong. you have to lead your life.

 

I have been trying to save my marriage for the past few weeks since we had seperated.

 

My wife doesn't want to co-operate she wants a divorce but I'm going to take it day by day and hopefully break through. I suggest you take it day by day and do the same by working on improving things.

 

Please seek marriage councillor, read marriagebuilders website and what I'm reading and practising The Love Dare book and there's a 40 day challenge.

[Mr. Lucky]

But now, I cant find the want to try anymore because I tried for so long. I dont know what to do. I know she is giving a good run at it, but is it the same story again, is it too late,

So you spent two years asking her to give more, and now that she's trying you decide you don't want it? Sounds dangerously passive/agressive to me and counter productive to your original stated goals and desires. As many others have advised, MC would give you a structured environment in which you two could work through your issues. Probably your only real chance for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whyme393]

Agreed.

 

Now that she wants to try, you don't want to give her a chance? What heck is that?

 

It's never too late. Build upon that, she may need some help realizing because it didn't work in the past, same with you. You both have to change.

 

 

 

So you spent two years asking her to give more, and now that she's trying you decide you don't want it? Sounds dangerously passive/agressive to me and counter productive to your original stated goals and desires. As many others have advised, MC would give you a structured environment in which you two could work through your issues. Probably your only real chance for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[poopiedump]

I appreciate everyones input. I think we are going to do some counseling. This seems to be the best place to start. I dont know if we should do different counselors or have the same. I do appreciate you being honest, as this has helped me.

 

I sat and pondered alot about what I was doing to be destructive to the marraige and I know I have some issues that I need help with as well. Im glad I found this place when I did, I was at the end in my eyes and didnt see myself sticking around much longer. But now, I am going to try to give this another shot.

 

My only fear is that I wont be able to get past how my feelings for our marraige have changed over the last couple of years. I want to get back to that point, but right now I dont see how I can. Hopefully seeing a counselor will help me figure this out. I hope all in here the best. Thanks again! I will be checking back to see if anyone offers up anymore advice.

[TrustInYourself]

I appreciate everyones input. I think we are going to do some counseling. This seems to be the best place to start. I dont know if we should do different counselors or have the same. I do appreciate you being honest, as this has helped me.

 

I sat and pondered alot about what I was doing to be destructive to the marraige and I know I have some issues that I need help with as well. Im glad I found this place when I did, I was at the end in my eyes and didnt see myself sticking around much longer. But now, I am going to try to give this another shot.

 

My only fear is that I wont be able to get past how my feelings for our marraige have changed over the last couple of years. I want to get back to that point, but right now I dont see how I can. Hopefully seeing a counselor will help me figure this out. I hope all in here the best. Thanks again! I will be checking back to see if anyone offers up anymore advice.

 

Let me tell you, change doesn't happen overnight. It's difficult. The problems you face now, took years to develop. It will take months, possibly years for everything to feel right. You're on the right path. Who said relationships were easy?